It has been awhile since my last post and there are a number of reasons for this break. Mainly because I haven't felt the need to write as I have been focussing on acting rather than reflecting. I have also been ill over the last week and that is never a good position to pickup writing from, you just feel sorry for yourself!
The 'acting' that I speak of has been the meditation program I've followed over the last six weeks. Today is the final day of week six and there are only two more weeks left of the guided Mindfulness program. It has been an eye opening experience, which has given me a lifetime tool to help with my depression. I think that once I became aware and searched for help I found the things I needed were right in front of me, easily accessible and straight forward. Meditation was something I was familiar with from an early introduction at school and then in yoga. Alongside that I re-discovered the benefits of lifting weights and the punchbag at the gym. I've also been seeing a psychologist for three weeks and the cognitive behavioural therapy is something I can use when the negative chatter begins in my head. To re-train my brain and remove negative thinking I've started using neuro linguistic programming as recommended by my brother.
This multi-faceted approach may seem like overload, but it has been a step by step plan, one that I was conscious not to rush nor overdo. I began a change the day I recognised I had a problem, one that had been an affliction without a name for so many years. For most that read this it comes as a surprise, but that just proves how good a showman I have been. I just used to think that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why I felt so low, why I hated myself so much and what the point of my life was. You could say that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, but when you feel this way at the age of 12 or 13 it breaks you a little. I can look back on so many times now and realise that I did have something wrong with me, but I wasn't alone, nor was it just a time I was going through in my life.
You often hear people talk about finding themselves or going off to some place to find themselves. As strange as it sounds the first instance I can understand. Having reached a new type of low, something changed in my mind, a little light bulb went off. I was aware of my problem in a new way and from that I chose to seek help, I chose to write about it, I chose to act on it not reflect on it with words. So now I am in the process of changing, not because I think I can rid myself of depression, but because I know that I can manage it. The end goal is not happiness but calmness. It is the ability to look at happiness and unhappiness as passing emotions, enjoy them both equally, but be unaffected by them. Not like a robot, but by a person that knows his mind and knows how dangerous emotions are to it.
I can also understand the latter instance above of people going off to find themselves. It sounds ridiculous to many. But if you have lived a certain life that has been bad for your health or pushed you to a dangerous limit then escaping that life and making a new start is what you need. 'Finding yourself' can happen anywhere, but removing yourself from danger or stagnation is necessary to achieve it.
It all sounds a little crazy when I read it over, but you know I don't care. I'm moving closer each day to the point where I don't care what people think. Where I am comfortable just being honest even if it makes others uncomfortable. At the end of the day if we can't speak our minds and be honest to what we think and believe then we are living a lie and damaging ourselves in the process. When people have asked me "how are you?" (as people do everyday without care for the answer) I have responded honestly, "not great" "bit shit really". I don't do it because I want them to say "oh poor you, what's the matter?" I do it because by being honest with myself and accepting my lows enables me to get it out of my head and move forwards with managing it. So next time you see a friend or family member don't ask how they are unless you mean it and don't dismiss them if they decide to tell you the truth.
Are you ok?
Tom
Saturday, 25 July 2015
Wednesday, 8 July 2015
Talking
Earlier I read a post that a friend had liked and did one of those dickish things of commenting.
The post included this photo:
Now this is a fair statement. But the reason I replied was because suicide is not a simple thing. I know that is an obvious statement, but the reason I write it is because you have to have gone through some turmoil to get to that stage. You have to be in a dark place or one filled with sadness, lethargy and hopelessness. Perhaps I generalise a little here, I know that everyone's experiences are different, but it's a fair assumption from what I've experienced.
Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.
There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.
I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.
You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.
However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.
So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough. Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.
Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.
Are you ok?
Tom
Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.
There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.
I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.
You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.
However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.
So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough. Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.
Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.
Are you ok?
Tom
Tuesday, 7 July 2015
Hanging with the psychologist
Last week was a good week (alleluia they cry!) Despite working 50 hours I had my energy back, I felt normal. I managed five sessions in the gym and enjoyed my time off at the weekend, with only a little anxiety returning on Sunday.
As of yesterday I am into week three of my Mindfulness meditation course. Last week focused on the body and tuning into the sensations the body produced, what I could feel. This week is aimed at looking after the body still and working on that mind body connection. I have an 8 minute stretch meditation, followed by an 8 minute breathing version. I do that once a day and then twice a day do a 3 minute "breathing space" meditation, which is designed to calm your mind when you might get worried or stressed through the day. The whole thing is simple to do and I feel a lot calmer already. I'm proud of myself for making time to do this and be consistent with it. a The biggest change for me is looking after myself first and that requires that I balance my life in all aspects, so that I don't end up down the rabbit hole again.
The other superb thing I've achieved recently is consistency at the gym. I'm happy to be back lifting weights again and have not missed running over the last few weeks. The testosterone boost I get from lifting is huge, it makes me feel strong, which in turn is a good thing for the mind. Like meditation lifting weights doesn't allow you space to think about other things. Actually that makes it better than meditation because lord knows my mind wanders like a mofo when I am practicing! But with weight lifting you can't be worrying about shit when you are pressing 60 kilos above your face! It also gets you to tune into each muscle group that you are working, whilst breathing in a controlled manner. If you didn't want to meditate then weight lifting would be a close second for any man.
Aside from the afore mentioned successes I've also started eating more each day, which keeps me from descending into low energy depressive episodes, also know as being "hangry". This is especially important when getting in a training session after a long day, something I haven't had a problem with since eating more at breakfast and through the day. I've not eaten like this since I was in my early twenties. Perhaps I'll get back to my glory days of eating two pizzas and a dessert in one sitting ;)
With all this success I had my first psychologist appointment this morning. It was much like when you take your broken car to the garage with a funny noise. You know something is broken, but when the mechanics look at it they can't find anything wrong. As I sat talking to the lady I realised how much better I felt, that I had already come a long way in changing who I am. She told me that I couldn't have done anything more in the two weeks prior to seeing her. But as she put it there is always more tools to learn to help in the future when the darkness threatens to prevail. So from next week I start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think it is something to do with acting like a Terminator.
Are you ok?
Tom
With all this success I had my first psychologist appointment this morning. It was much like when you take your broken car to the garage with a funny noise. You know something is broken, but when the mechanics look at it they can't find anything wrong. As I sat talking to the lady I realised how much better I felt, that I had already come a long way in changing who I am. She told me that I couldn't have done anything more in the two weeks prior to seeing her. But as she put it there is always more tools to learn to help in the future when the darkness threatens to prevail. So from next week I start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think it is something to do with acting like a Terminator.
Are you ok?
Tom
Thursday, 25 June 2015
Shaking hands with conflict
I am not aiming to blog everyday, but when I have something worthwhile to say I feel I may as well get it out. Otherwise I will have probably forgotten it by the time I next come to write!
Today was the day that I spoke with the guy I am working with about the hours. As you know we had a big week last week and that finished me off. So I needed to let him know that I couldn't continue to do days of 10-12 hours, especially as I am paid a day rate that is below the norm (that's another story). Essentially this "chat" was a test of myself. It is easy in everyday life to build things up in your mind beyond what they will actually be. When you are depressed this can get out of control and it often neutralises any action you might take. On the other hand you can let things boil up and eventually you explode over nothing. So you can see why this was an important step to take for me. I had worked on what I was going to say and thought I knew what his opinion would be. In the end I wasn't nervous and I put my point across calmly, not something I have been good at previously. His reaction was what I expected as he is set in his ways and has his way of working. So in effect I got something. I stood up and said my piece without nerves in a calm way and his reaction made up my mind for me. I will work for him in the future, but I won't tie myself to him. I am going to pick and choose what jobs I do. Not because I am some amazing carpentry dude that people are falling over to employ, but because I am worth more and I don't deserve to feel like shit, get paid shit money and endanger my life. I could be back working for him in two weeks, but it will only be because I choose to, not because I owe him anything (a dangerous thought process I used to have). Shit this paragraph is long.
Moving forwards. A good friend many years ago told me I should charge clients what I think I am worth. At the time and to this day I admire that confidence. I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now. But I see the merit in what he was saying. If you can't believe in yourself and how damn good you are then nobody else will and people will walk over you (I may have extrapolated a little!)
The thought of rejection, of people saying no fills us with enough dread (or is that just me?) that our minds are able to conjure it into a behemoth that it is not. That old saying: "the worst they can say is no" is not something I enjoy. Nobody likes to be told no or rejected. But it shouldn't be a problem because we are not going to die if somebody says no. It just means we have to try a different approach or improve our argument. Sometimes it means moving away from that person or opportunity to something new. I'll admit that if enough people say no then it may be you that is the problem, so don't think you are always right. But why not just say "fuck it", I'm going to think this through and give it a shot and I am going to see where it goes. If I don't try and fix my mental state, my situation, my thought processes, my actions then I am screwed, because there is nothing you can do about things outside of your control.
Another rant in this one I'm afraid. I am not editing or reading this stuff back, because it's just an outlet at the moment. But one day in the future I will have it together enough to know that this was the crazy beginnings of someone much more balanced, calm and determined.
I'm off to Ballet Revolucion with Catherine tonight. A combination of ballet and hip hop, should be interesting. I'm trying to do more 'stuff' because that is getting me out of my hermit shell.
Until next time, are you ok?
Tom
Today was the day that I spoke with the guy I am working with about the hours. As you know we had a big week last week and that finished me off. So I needed to let him know that I couldn't continue to do days of 10-12 hours, especially as I am paid a day rate that is below the norm (that's another story). Essentially this "chat" was a test of myself. It is easy in everyday life to build things up in your mind beyond what they will actually be. When you are depressed this can get out of control and it often neutralises any action you might take. On the other hand you can let things boil up and eventually you explode over nothing. So you can see why this was an important step to take for me. I had worked on what I was going to say and thought I knew what his opinion would be. In the end I wasn't nervous and I put my point across calmly, not something I have been good at previously. His reaction was what I expected as he is set in his ways and has his way of working. So in effect I got something. I stood up and said my piece without nerves in a calm way and his reaction made up my mind for me. I will work for him in the future, but I won't tie myself to him. I am going to pick and choose what jobs I do. Not because I am some amazing carpentry dude that people are falling over to employ, but because I am worth more and I don't deserve to feel like shit, get paid shit money and endanger my life. I could be back working for him in two weeks, but it will only be because I choose to, not because I owe him anything (a dangerous thought process I used to have). Shit this paragraph is long.
Moving forwards. A good friend many years ago told me I should charge clients what I think I am worth. At the time and to this day I admire that confidence. I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now. But I see the merit in what he was saying. If you can't believe in yourself and how damn good you are then nobody else will and people will walk over you (I may have extrapolated a little!)
The thought of rejection, of people saying no fills us with enough dread (or is that just me?) that our minds are able to conjure it into a behemoth that it is not. That old saying: "the worst they can say is no" is not something I enjoy. Nobody likes to be told no or rejected. But it shouldn't be a problem because we are not going to die if somebody says no. It just means we have to try a different approach or improve our argument. Sometimes it means moving away from that person or opportunity to something new. I'll admit that if enough people say no then it may be you that is the problem, so don't think you are always right. But why not just say "fuck it", I'm going to think this through and give it a shot and I am going to see where it goes. If I don't try and fix my mental state, my situation, my thought processes, my actions then I am screwed, because there is nothing you can do about things outside of your control.
Another rant in this one I'm afraid. I am not editing or reading this stuff back, because it's just an outlet at the moment. But one day in the future I will have it together enough to know that this was the crazy beginnings of someone much more balanced, calm and determined.
I'm off to Ballet Revolucion with Catherine tonight. A combination of ballet and hip hop, should be interesting. I'm trying to do more 'stuff' because that is getting me out of my hermit shell.
Until next time, are you ok?
Tom
Wednesday, 24 June 2015
Meditating is my medicine
As the title suggests I have begun an eight week programme of meditation from the book Mindfulness. Meditation has now been shown to be as effective as anti-depressants at treating depression. That's a big statement, but one the book will back up for me. Meditation is now one of the preferred methods recommended by the UK's National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. Many people have used meditation for years, but with MRI we are able to see the evidence of the effectiveness of this tool.
That is what meditation means to me, it is a tool to help me calm the negative chatter and focus on living in the present. It is not the first time I have come across it, I was introduced by a teacher in primary school that saw the benefits in the late 80's. Perhaps the benefits were more for her as we were a rowdy class of boys and this was a strategy to get us to shut up for a bit. But I still remember sitting in class with my eyes closed, focussing on my breathing. Strange really because I haven't thought of that for years, but it is like yesterday now. The most recent time was here in Australia when Catherine and I were part of a group of great people practicing yoga as part of a 40 day transformation. Other than practicing six days a week, we looked into meditation, diet and our own attitudes and beliefs. It was a confronting, but awesome experience. Needless to say I was crap at doing the meditation. I didn't commit fully to the 40 day transformation, so I got out what I put in, a great workout and amazing friends.
Fast forward to today. I am confronted by my own walls. Walls that I have kept up successfully for years. Walls which are habits created through a need to keep a burden from those closest to me. Walls that hide my real self and present what I want people to see. I'm not about to just tear those walls down, because I have got used to the security they offer. But I've had a few too many realisations in the last month not to start the process and sharing is part of that. The meditation is the tool to keep it all rational and make sure I don't fall down the rabbit hole. There is an urgent need for meditation that I didn't have before. It's easy for me to see why I don't have consistency in a lot of things in my life, because there is no need, no urgent cause to. Now however I do have that need. It has boiled down to the basics. I have to live. I have to dispense with the unnecessary, remove the stress and get down to the nitty gritty to re-build myself. Just as well I learnt some carpentry to build with eh?!
This is not meant to sound negative, but I have reached the point as I said previously where I just don't care for much. Right now I am focussed on meditating, loving my wife and getting well. Anything that conflicts with those things is going to get kicked into touch. For too long I have focussed on too many things, too many people. That isn't necessarily bad, but for now I will be going hermit crab on a few things. Once I'm well I'll be more Sebastien lobster (I'll let you work the reference ;))
Shit I don't even know where I was going with this post! But I guess I am just spitting some lines to clear my head and let you know that the meditation medicine is working. I'll keep you in the loop as I continue with it.
Thank you to all of you that have contacted me, it means a lot.
Are you ok?
Tom
Sunday, 21 June 2015
What happened to the balance?
After last week I thought I was improving a little. But working long hours for 6 days this week has set me back a little. Unsurprisingly working 12 hour days has destroyed my energy. But it's not the normal energy that I am lacking, this is the sort where by making the simplest decisions are a tax on your soul. Extreme huh. Just part of the old depression ride.
Part of this illness is a long running issue of confidence, self belief and negative talk. It may seem to most that I have no problem with confidence, but as I have said before bullshitting is my game and I'm able to pull the wool over the eyes of the closest people. This problem is one that I will be addressing with a psychologist soon. My doctor thought I was doing well (so did I mate) and suggested I see a psychologist when I was more stable. This is the old chicken and egg dilemma, what comes first? In some ways I can't approach the psych side before I stabilise because I'm struggling to find the energy to do normal day to day stuff, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to open up Pandora's box.
I know this much is true. I don't help myself very much. I did reach a point yesterday when I had finished a 12 hour Saturday that I didn't care. But it was more out of lack of energy than some Zen meditative plane that I had reached. I just couldn't give a shit anymore. The sad thing that I am struggling with is that I don't care a lot about anything at the moment. I care about my amazing wife Catherine, but beyond that I am not really able to care for much else. I will admit that I am not at my best in writing this, so this post will appear worse, but when I get to this level of fatigue all I have is the truth. The bullshit has gone and I can be an open book, maybe that is a good thing.
I had a great talk with Catherine this morning. By great I mean I actually talked a little about what I was feeling. Sometimes words can't do justice to how you feel, sometimes your mind won't work to let you tell the most important person in your life how you feel. Some days it would be useful if Catherine was like Professor X in the X-Men, with his telepathic powers she could feel what I feel and have an understanding of this mind of mine. From me talking I reminded myself that I have to meditate and do it daily. The gym has been great, but I have only been once this week, so I need a daily practice to help calm me. This is probably the one habit that I need to create in earnest because I can do it anywhere anytime.
There is not much else for me to splurge from my brain right now, so I'll leave it at that. When I am in a better place I will tell you about some of the work I have been doing and what events we are planning on running in the coming months.
Thanks for listening.
Are you ok?
Tom
Part of this illness is a long running issue of confidence, self belief and negative talk. It may seem to most that I have no problem with confidence, but as I have said before bullshitting is my game and I'm able to pull the wool over the eyes of the closest people. This problem is one that I will be addressing with a psychologist soon. My doctor thought I was doing well (so did I mate) and suggested I see a psychologist when I was more stable. This is the old chicken and egg dilemma, what comes first? In some ways I can't approach the psych side before I stabilise because I'm struggling to find the energy to do normal day to day stuff, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to open up Pandora's box.
I know this much is true. I don't help myself very much. I did reach a point yesterday when I had finished a 12 hour Saturday that I didn't care. But it was more out of lack of energy than some Zen meditative plane that I had reached. I just couldn't give a shit anymore. The sad thing that I am struggling with is that I don't care a lot about anything at the moment. I care about my amazing wife Catherine, but beyond that I am not really able to care for much else. I will admit that I am not at my best in writing this, so this post will appear worse, but when I get to this level of fatigue all I have is the truth. The bullshit has gone and I can be an open book, maybe that is a good thing.
I had a great talk with Catherine this morning. By great I mean I actually talked a little about what I was feeling. Sometimes words can't do justice to how you feel, sometimes your mind won't work to let you tell the most important person in your life how you feel. Some days it would be useful if Catherine was like Professor X in the X-Men, with his telepathic powers she could feel what I feel and have an understanding of this mind of mine. From me talking I reminded myself that I have to meditate and do it daily. The gym has been great, but I have only been once this week, so I need a daily practice to help calm me. This is probably the one habit that I need to create in earnest because I can do it anywhere anytime.
There is not much else for me to splurge from my brain right now, so I'll leave it at that. When I am in a better place I will tell you about some of the work I have been doing and what events we are planning on running in the coming months.
Thanks for listening.
Are you ok?
Tom
Thursday, 11 June 2015
Action strategy
This week has certainly been an improvement on last week. Before I head off to the mountains for a little half marathon trail run I wanted to tap out what I have done as a reminder of what can be achieved.
After numerous talks with friends, two doctors appointments and a little punchbag therapy some of the fog is clearing in my head. In some respects I now feel better than I have for months, perhaps longer. I still have a long way to go of course, but I am taking action to improve. The action is that which I have described above and for some that may seem straight forward. But it has taken a long time to get to this point. A long time of not being honest and truthful with myself and others about how I was feeling. But hey I'm learning a lot more about myself and my mind now, so that's a positive!
Talking has been my greatest skill and my biggest downfall. I am good at talking to pretty much anybody, making friends as I go through life, but rarely have I been able to talk to those closest to me about the important things. So the biggest change I have seen this week is just that. I'll admit it is baby steps, but I've been able to talk a little about what I am feeling and that is a start. It is all because of writing this blog that I have been able to open up to friends lately. By talking about how sh#t I feel on here it then makes it easier to do in the real world. But let me tell you that if one more person tells me how good it is to talk I WILL slap them. Talking is good, but offloading this darkness is not.
The doctor that I have seen this week has been great too. Mainly because his advice was practical and optimistic. He didn't want me to go on meds, but told me to take action. To get back in the gym, to write and to remind myself that it would get better. The first started that evening with a session on the punchbag and I've now been in the gym four days in a row. The second wasn't difficult, I've been doing that for years, but more recently it has been more consistent and not always just a negative form of expression. Speaking to the doctor twice was a step that I had to take to confirm to myself in no uncertain terms that I was, I am ill. It may be an illness that lets you carry on working, thinking and leading a normal life. But normal with this illness is erratic at best and it affects every little thing you do more than a broken leg.
The punchbag therapy has been excellent at offloading some raw energy and reducing the anger levels. That is another key area that I need to work on, but the results have been amazing for my energy levels.
These have been my main strategies for the week and I certainly feel more positive for putting them into action. Moving forwards I will be incorporating some daily meditation and a technique for quashing negative talk. I'll explain a little more about those two next time.
Enjoy your weekend, I'm off to run like a mad fool in the mountains.
Tom
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