Progession

There are many positives to come out of my depression for which I am extremely grateful for. From the help from friends to the talks with those in the same boat. Accepting I have a problem has opened up the huge opportunity to enact a change in my brain and for that I am thankful to the Gremlins in my head.

Friends from all over have been supportive and kind since I first blogged about my depression. There are specifically a handful of people that have surpassed all the rest and those people I will thank in person when I see them. They contacted me every week to check in and see how I was and that helped more than I can put into words. Old friendships have renewed and with their practical help I’ve been able to add to the tools I use to combat my negativity and change my brain for the better, so thank you to you guys too. 

Over the weeks I have spoken to friends that suffer with depression and I’ve had some great conversations. Most of the time it is just refreshing to talk to a friend that understands what you are feeling, someone that doesn’t judge you and doesn't need to ask questions. They just get it and often that is more restorative than any other therapy. As much as opening up and talking is useful I have spoken lately of “right talk” where you talk to the right people (safe people) about the right things. This means not having to explain what you are going through to every Tom, Dick and Harry, but telling the people that matter (or that you feel safe with) how you really are. It also means not revelling in those feelings, but using that opportunity to talk to move forwards.

Since I decided to do something about my brain I have progressed by researching different methods from Meditation to CBT. I have armed myself with an arsenal of tools with which to combat the negative self talk, feelings of sadness and hopelessness. It is a daily practice for me to concentrate on, which at times can be tiring, but ultimately keeps me in a calm, contented balance. There is no magic bullet, I may have an episode like a few months ago again. But I can change my brain, the way I think and how I react to situations in life. 

Like any change it takes dedication and consistency, it is hard work to change habits that you have formed over years. So if you are in a similar boat then prepare yourself to knuckle down, concentrate and get your shit sorted. It will require that you remove yourself from negative relationships, abandon activities and focus on creating a balance your life. But you can enact a change in the way you think, your beliefs and your thinking errors. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help and do your research, treat it as an experiment with one tool at a time. You may want to start writing down a journal so that you can keep track of these feelings and what you are trying out. If it helps you can always write me an email and ask anything you want. 

I saw the psychologist yesterday and was able to tell her that I survived my 55 hour work week on the deck project and had even used some of the tools to get me out of a funk. This was after 8 sessions of therapy, 8 weeks of meditation and numerous hours of talking. Let me put it this way, I have only just begun to improve. I am hyper aware of my mind now and so I can catch myself before I fall, but like I said before I have to do this everyday. I still have a long way to go to get to where I think I should be, but I am confident of this much, I can change myself. So can you if you want to.

Are you ok?

Finding motivation

Motivation is one of those words that I love to hate. As a PT you hear it more frequently than you care to. It's something that people are "searching for" or just not "finding" as though it was a small piece of paper that they remember once having "somewhere".

Motivation is of course a funny thing. Everybody's is different, some may be more important than others, but for all of us it wanes at some point or another. For me this happened with running in 2014  and again this year. Fortunately that lack of motivation and my mental health actually spurred me into action. I started my meditation program, got back into strength training in the gym and started to feel a lot better and subsequently more motivated.

You can't just dream up motivation, something has to prompt you in a big way to stay focussed and active. Most of the time this is an event that occurs such as a breakdown or health issue (in the extreme), or will occur in the future (think summer body, wedding, death). Getting deep down to what motivates you and finding what you enjoy most at that moment in time is part of the key to success.

These last couple of weeks I have been motivated by the result of all the small things I have done. It has boiled down to this, to be calm and enjoy life I have to train and eat well. How much do I want this? Well I look at it this way, I don't want to feel as low as I have done this year again. I don't want to feel as though I have nothing to give and not want to live life. That is my motivation. When I don't feel like training I have that thought to go to. When "bad" food is on offer I have bad memories to remind me why I have to be consistent. It is a shame that it takes something like this to motivate me, but I guess I am grateful for it. I actually feel like I am starting to enjoy life again because I have reset myself and am taking consistent small steps.

After a recent DEXA body composition scan I now have some starting figures to work with. I am retesting in 6 weeks and again in 12 to see what my training is doing. My motivation isn't to lose body fat, but it helps to have some concrete evidence as to how I am progressing. So in 6 weeks I will  have some graphs to compare how training is going. Unfortunately I can't do that for my brain health, so I'll just have to update you each week with how it's going. Next week is my first decking project with a couple of friends, so I'll also have some carpentry porn to share with you!

Are you ok?

Tom

Changing man

Over the last few weeks I have tried to avoid ruminating on thoughts that would bring me into a low frame of mind. I have tried to deal with conflict in my mind rationally and make action lists where I felt something was giving me anxiety. I've been making a concerted effort with these little things and although I wasn't on my game when it came to meditation, I have been aware and taken action to remedy any negative thoughts. All of this is a big step in the right direction for me and is a result of putting a number of different players into action (as I spoke about last week) in order to balance my life.

It wasn't until the weekend when we caught up with friends that I could say out loud that I had changed. For some reason saying this makes me cry. But it is not because I am sad, it is because there is an ongoing release of pressure and anxiety and being open brings it to the surface. If anything when I had my little meltdown a couple of months ago it was the beginning of the end for that part of me. It instigated a change in my mind that leant towards taking corrective action and committing to altering my brain. I decided that I didn't want to be the person I had been for so long because ultimately I knew exactly where it was headed. I had had a taste of what my mind could put me through and through a meltdown had chosen to rise from the ashes and start anew. Shit if it was only as easy and magnificent as that sounds! It's hard work that requires commitment to several things everyday, the hardest of which is overcoming my own mind.

Here is an example of what I have to fight routinely and why I have to employ a number of tactics on it. I could be busy with work and have a few things I need to do outside of this. This goes like this, 'when will I do them?' How long they will take? When will I have time to train/meditate/read?' In starting along this road I become anxious. I may then worry about the work I am doing at that moment, 'is it good enough?' 'What will so and so think of it? Don't f*ck it up.' At this point I will perform a few thinking errors (which I have since learnt a lot about through my CBT sessions), which will put me into a low that I generally won't get out of til the next day, or perhaps for a few days. It will affect how I act with my wife, I won't want to see friends and I will generally revel in a quagmire of self loathing with feelings of sadness, hopelessness and lethargy.  Around this time someone helpful may say something about how other people are finding it really tough in their lives, or mention some atrocity or natural disaster somewhere in the World. Whether intentional or not that makes me feel guilty about how I am feeling about something that is seemingly insignificant. So as a result I don't talk about how I actually feel and when people ask I say "Oh yeah I'm great thanks, work is busy, which is good, same old, same old!" Thus I then dwell on how I feel and the vicious circle saps the enjoyment out of everything I used to find pleasure in.
How marvellous!

That is me summing it up in a brief way, there is more to it than that, which I have only discovered by talking it through with a professional. But as I sit here and think about it, it all makes much more sense to me. For the first time in a long time I am aware and know that I have the tools to deal with my own mind. I am rational enough now to know that this isn't my fault, my brain has been in control of me for some time and it has learnt some nasty shit along the way. I know that there are other people out there in much worse circumstances than myself that are getting on with life and enjoying it. I respect that, but it doesn't mean shit to someone with depression because they can't just switch off their brains, sadly that is the darker path to freedom from this thing. There is also a conversation about how "developed" nations suffers so much with depression compared to those in the "developing" World (I despise these names), despite the latter suffering with famine, disease and war. At times I think their simpler way of living is the key to their happiness, they are the ones that live their lives fully with friends and family around them. Perhaps it's time to stop rushing about "doing" stuff, buying "things" and just accepting and appreciating.

Are you ok?

Tom

Monday posting

I forgot to post this after writing it on Monday, so I'll just leave this here...

Trying to balance life is always a challenge. Whoever you are and whatever your situation there will always be things pulling you in one direction and then the other. You'll have to make choices about what you do on a daily basis and accept that you can't do everything. Unfortunately there are many of us that can't balance things and will end up over cooking themselves.

Since doing the Mindfulness meditation programme I have become more aware of this balance. By no means have I perfected it, in fact I am feeling crap today because I got it wrong last week. But I am aware and although I feel particularly low today, I know that it's as a result of all the good things I did last week with weight lifting, acro training and running. Knowing the result means that I can change my weekly plan accordingly. Not only will this mean I have enthusiasm and energy for the things I enjoy, but that I have the energy to work too. I sometimes forget that I have a slightly physical job, which despite being manageable still uses up more energy than I give it credit for. 

Last week I had a great discussion with a mate of mine. It was probably the first time that we had sat down and openly talked about depression and the like. The realisation in that talk was that there are key variables to get right to ensure a balance in my life. If I'm training and meditating regularly and organise my week then I will feel fine. I've boiled it down to these three because they have the most impact on how I feel when I don't do them. I'm yet to get specific, but I think I'd feel ok if each week I did the following:

• Train a minimum of 5 times
• Meditate on at least 5 days
• Work a minimum of 3 days

It may sound extreme to lay it out so neatly, but I'm not good at this shit so I have to work at it! That means writing action lists, using my diary effectively and basically running my life like a business. Unfortunately I have to look at my time and energy as a rare commodity, if I just give it up without thought and say yes to everything without consideration then before I know it I'll be a broke man in more ways than one. Once you realise this for yourself then you'll enjoy your life that bit more because you understand that you have a choice in everything. 

Today is one of those fuzzy, low days. I'm physically tired and a little unclear in the head. But like I said before I know why and am not dwelling on it. I've got a plan for today to get jobs done and organise my week, so I don't fall into a dark place. It's taken me years to realise that my mind wasn't normal, but that it could be managed. I didn't talk openly, so I didn't know how to deal with it. That is the toughest part. But once I started on this journey of opening up I began to find others who were the same, they understood my feelings and crazy thoughts and all of a sudden I felt better. If you've ever thought negatively about yourself then the best medicine is to talk. You won't be able to rationalise negative thought in your head unless you know the techniques, but talking to others will help. If they are able to question you about what your are thinking about then you'll be able to see how you can manage that thought, dispel the negativity and move forwards.

If you really want to help yourself then I'd recommend reading the following books from top to bottom:

• Depressive Illness The Curse of the Strong, Dr Tim Cantopher
• Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world, Professor Mark Williams and Dr Danny Penman.
• The Ultimate Introduction to NLP, Richard Bandler, Alessio Roberti and Owen Fitzpatrick.

I've found these to be the most helpful for understanding depression and learning practical techniques for managing it.

Until next time, are you ok?

Tom

Last week I found out how much I need to be consistent with my meditation and keep organised to avoid pitfalls. 

Having felt good for a few weeks I got busy with work and neglected the meditation program. Last week I did no meditations with the result being that I felt hopeless, sad and lethargic again. By the time I reached Saturday I was not in a good place. It was bad timing because I also had a cold last week, so I was a little fuzzy headed at work. Not being very clear in the head and not having meditated at all meant my mind wandered to the dark side and began a series of negative loops. I should have seen this coming sooner, but I was caught up being busy. Fortunately after talking it through with Catherine I made a plan for the week and then got back into meditation this morning.

This was just another lesson for me. It was a reminder that if I don’t put the hard work in and consistently employ the tools to manage my depression then I will never have control. The tools that have worked are still meditation, lifting weights and being organised. None of it is rocket science, but all of it requires effort to consistently do these things. 

I knew that it would never be easy to change myself. I’ve developed a persona over many years and I almost feel a regression is the first step to progression. That’s hard to put into words and explain. But when you have consistently been a positive character, hiding your true self then you will only ever look like you are worse even though you are getting better. I’m still working on the whole brain re-wiring thing, which is separate to the management tools above. It takes a lot of effort to remember to do something new when you have employed the same though patterns for so long. But I will get there with that too because I’m tired of feeling the way I did at the weekend. It just reminds me of the times when I was much, much worse.

On a separate note I am starting to work out a balance in life. Having always thought I needed to be busy to stay happy I’ve realised that this is in fact false. When I am busy working I don’t have time to concentrate on the negative things. This sounds like it should be a good thing, but if you are so busy that you don’t deal with your rotten fruit then it just festers. That is why meditation works so well. In the beginning it asks you to observe your thoughts, but then return to your breathing. As the practice develops in the program you are asked to focus on difficulties and recognise what it does to your body. From this you are able to increase your awareness of what things affect you and employ tools to deal with them. Sometimes it is as simple as being able to make a list after meditation and work through what is on your mind, breaking it down into manageable chunks. At other times it is recognising that a person isn’t helping your recovery and dealing with that accordingly. 

Our brains don’t come with manuals, but there is enough information out there to figure them out. I hope that anyone feeling shit about themselves or restricting their progress in life can understand that ti doesn’t have to be that way and that change is possible. It won’t always be easy for a number of reasons, but it will be worth it in the end.

Are you ok?

Tom

Making progress

It has been awhile since my last post and there are a number of reasons for this break. Mainly because I haven't felt the need to write as I have been focussing on acting rather than reflecting. I have also been ill over the last week and that is never a good position to pickup writing from, you just feel sorry for yourself!

The 'acting' that I speak of has been the meditation program I've followed over the last six weeks. Today is the final day of week six and there are only two more weeks left of the guided Mindfulness program. It has been an eye opening experience, which has given me a lifetime tool to help with my depression. I think that once I became aware and searched for help I found the things I needed were right in front of me, easily accessible and straight forward. Meditation was something I was familiar with from an early introduction at school and then in yoga. Alongside that I re-discovered the benefits of lifting weights and the punchbag at the gym. I've also been seeing a psychologist for three weeks and the cognitive behavioural therapy is something I can use when the negative chatter begins in my head. To re-train my brain and remove negative thinking I've started using neuro linguistic programming as recommended by my brother.

This multi-faceted approach may seem like overload, but it has been a step by step plan, one that I was conscious not to rush nor overdo. I began a change the day I recognised I had a problem, one that had been an affliction without a name for so many years. For most that read this it comes as a surprise, but that just proves how good a showman I have been. I just used to think that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why I felt so low, why I hated myself so much and what the point of my life was. You could say that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, but when you feel this way at the age of 12 or 13 it breaks you a little. I can look back on so many times now and realise that I did have something wrong with me, but I wasn't alone, nor was it just a time I was going through in my life.

You often hear people talk about finding themselves or going off to some place to find themselves. As strange as it sounds the first instance I can understand. Having reached a new type of low, something changed in my mind, a little light bulb went off. I was aware of my problem in a new way and from that I chose to seek help, I chose to write about it, I chose to act on it not reflect on it with words. So now I am in the process of changing, not because I think I can rid myself of depression, but because I know that I can manage it. The end goal is not happiness but calmness. It is the ability to look at happiness and unhappiness as passing emotions, enjoy them both equally, but be unaffected by them. Not like a robot, but by a person that knows his mind and knows how dangerous emotions are to it.
I can also understand the latter instance above of people going off to find themselves. It sounds ridiculous to many. But if you have lived a certain life that has been bad for your health or pushed you to a dangerous limit then escaping that life and making a new start is what you need. 'Finding yourself' can happen anywhere, but removing yourself from danger or stagnation is necessary to achieve it.

It all sounds a little crazy when I read it over, but you know I don't care. I'm moving closer each day to the point where I don't care what people think. Where I am comfortable just being honest even if it makes others uncomfortable. At the end of the day if we can't speak our minds and be honest to what we think and believe then we are living a lie and damaging ourselves in the process. When people have asked me "how are you?" (as people do everyday without care for the answer) I have responded honestly, "not great" "bit shit really". I don't do it because I want them to say "oh poor you, what's the matter?" I do it because by being honest with myself and accepting my lows enables me to get it out of my head and move forwards with managing it. So next time you see a friend or family member don't ask how they are unless you mean it and don't dismiss them if they decide to tell you the truth.

Are you ok?

Tom

Talking

Earlier I read a post that a friend had liked and did one of those dickish things of commenting.

The post included this photo:

Now this is a fair statement. But the reason I replied was because suicide is not a simple thing. I know that is an obvious statement, but the reason I write it is because you have to have gone through some turmoil to get to that stage. You have to be in a dark place or one filled with sadness, lethargy and hopelessness. Perhaps I generalise a little here, I know that everyone's experiences are different, but it's a fair assumption from what I've experienced.

Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.

There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.

I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.

You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.

However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.

So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough.  Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.

Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.

Are you ok?

Tom