This last week has been a fun and busy time with my great friend Nick staying with us. It has been a break from the normal routine which has been as insightful as it has been enjoyable. As I said to Nick yesterday it has highlighted the number of different factors I need to keep balanced in order to keep my mind in check.
Before Nick arrived I managed four weeks without drinking alcohol (I may have been a day shy of four weeks), which I believe had a noticeable effect on my brain. That effect came in the form of greater concentration at work, less of a wandering mind and a more stable mood in general. Obviously these are subjective things that I can't measure, but I think if you find something that works then why question it. It is worth experimenting on yourself by gradually changing things within your life and noticing their impact. Like a science experiment you don't try and change everything at once, but focus on small things first. That way you can keep what works and discard what doesn't.
Nick leaves today and that marks the start of my alcohol free stretch for the next four weeks or more. It coincides nicely with me getting back to running, which we began last week and a return to the gym, which I've been slack at lately. As boring as it may sound having a routine is the most helpful thing for me. It goes against my natural state of relaxed chaos, but being organised and structured gives the old brain less chance to mess about. That routine includes the things that keep me on track, so if I sacrifice them for a lie in, or to work later or do something I don't want to do then my health suffers. It sounds dramatic to say that, but in the long run it does. But worse than that how I am in mood and health affects those I love and as my Buddhist tattoo says, "May all find happiness in my actions and let no one suffer because of me." Time to get back to that simple mission statement.
Are you ok?
Tom
Saturday, 27 February 2016
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Action!
Over the last month I have managed to leave Facebook (then return sneakily), stop drinking (and return to it briefly) and be a sloth (which has sort of stopped). Leaving Facebook has reduced one of a few distractions allowing me to use my limited brain power to focus at work. I am happy to say that is has worked and my work has been much more consistent as a result. Not drinking for four weeks has certainly allowed my moods to stabilise and this goes in hand with eating more regularly. Low blood sugar has often been the simplest of enemies when it comes to my moods and depression. Being a sloth has come about because I have not had the energy or motivation to get to the gym after a days work. Our days are physical, but they are not anything compared with concreters, or tradies working on building sites.
To answer the reason why I have felt so incapable of exercise I have delved deep inside my mind and meditated many times in order to arrive at the reason for this complex issue of lethargy.
I have been lazy. Yes it took a great deal of inner discovery whilst assuming yoga positions that some would only dream of, but I reached this critical point at the weekend. At the same time I had started reading a new book called Gorilla Mindset. "Oh god Tom not another book?!" I hear you cry. But yes, cry all you like my friends because I am reading another book to help with the mind. Actually I am reading four books at the moment. What can I say, I'm a reading whore. Except nobody has paid me for reading these books, so I must be doing something wrong. Anyway I digress. This book is different from others that I have read in that it gives practical advice and worksheets to help the reader to gain a greater control over their mind and change their mindset to one of positivity and achieve success in what they put that mind to. It sounds too good to be true right? But actually like any diet, training program or change in your life you have to just commit yourself to action consistently and await the results. Nothing comes for free, you have to work at it and the brain is a devilish mistress. One that can seem to go the way you want one minute and then have you over a barrel (metaphorically of course) the next.
So this book has some great practical advice that I would like to share with you now. I don't have the permission from the author for this, so I'll let you check the book out if you are interested and ask that you don't report me to the authorities. The FBI already have me on a Blacklist for making a bomb joke at an airport...So the book Tom, the book! Yes sorry, it is by Mike Cernovic and as I said before is called Gorilla Mindset. You can usually try a sample of books on Amazon for your Kindle or just on the Kindle App on your smartphone or tablet.
On self-talk Mike offers some great advice. Now this may not be original, after all it is hard to re-create the wheel when it has been done so many time before. But Mike delivers his advice in an easy to understand way and it is stripped of fluff. The book is about action more than ideas to think over. When you experience negative self-talk such as 'I always screw this up!', 'You are useless!' or 'You are a waste of space on earth!' Ok so maybe the last was an exaggeration, but we all have something negative going on at some point in our lives, it's natural, it's normal. The key is to confront that negative talk and Mike encourages you to repeat what is in your head in front of a mirror or better yet to record it on your smartphones voice recorder and replay it to yourself. By doing this you can see how ridiculous a lot of your negative self-talk is, it's actually embarrassing. But best yet it is easier to rationalise what you are thinking when you get it out of your head. Once it is spoken or recorded and listened to you can deal with it much more effectively than bottling it up inside. Do you actually always screw things up? Are you useless? No, your mind exaggerates, your ego craves attention like a little brat. So slap it down and tell it who's boss and then you can build on the positive self talk.
Positive self-talk is hard for so many of us. We grow up in a world of negativity, control and limitations. As Mike Cernovic writes it is not surprising that so many of us suffer with the limitations of our minds and don't progress in life. Why should dreams only be just that? Part of it is people around us telling us that it won't work and the rest is our own minds. So positive self-talk starts with affirmations. You may think this is fluff that doesn't work, but it has worked for millions of people over the years and comes back to consistency. It is not a magic pill, but something that you have to believe in and repeat everyday. Believing in your affirmations are easier because you write them. They are something that you want to be written as though they are already fact. Examples might be:
To answer the reason why I have felt so incapable of exercise I have delved deep inside my mind and meditated many times in order to arrive at the reason for this complex issue of lethargy.
I have been lazy. Yes it took a great deal of inner discovery whilst assuming yoga positions that some would only dream of, but I reached this critical point at the weekend. At the same time I had started reading a new book called Gorilla Mindset. "Oh god Tom not another book?!" I hear you cry. But yes, cry all you like my friends because I am reading another book to help with the mind. Actually I am reading four books at the moment. What can I say, I'm a reading whore. Except nobody has paid me for reading these books, so I must be doing something wrong. Anyway I digress. This book is different from others that I have read in that it gives practical advice and worksheets to help the reader to gain a greater control over their mind and change their mindset to one of positivity and achieve success in what they put that mind to. It sounds too good to be true right? But actually like any diet, training program or change in your life you have to just commit yourself to action consistently and await the results. Nothing comes for free, you have to work at it and the brain is a devilish mistress. One that can seem to go the way you want one minute and then have you over a barrel (metaphorically of course) the next.
So this book has some great practical advice that I would like to share with you now. I don't have the permission from the author for this, so I'll let you check the book out if you are interested and ask that you don't report me to the authorities. The FBI already have me on a Blacklist for making a bomb joke at an airport...So the book Tom, the book! Yes sorry, it is by Mike Cernovic and as I said before is called Gorilla Mindset. You can usually try a sample of books on Amazon for your Kindle or just on the Kindle App on your smartphone or tablet.
On self-talk Mike offers some great advice. Now this may not be original, after all it is hard to re-create the wheel when it has been done so many time before. But Mike delivers his advice in an easy to understand way and it is stripped of fluff. The book is about action more than ideas to think over. When you experience negative self-talk such as 'I always screw this up!', 'You are useless!' or 'You are a waste of space on earth!' Ok so maybe the last was an exaggeration, but we all have something negative going on at some point in our lives, it's natural, it's normal. The key is to confront that negative talk and Mike encourages you to repeat what is in your head in front of a mirror or better yet to record it on your smartphones voice recorder and replay it to yourself. By doing this you can see how ridiculous a lot of your negative self-talk is, it's actually embarrassing. But best yet it is easier to rationalise what you are thinking when you get it out of your head. Once it is spoken or recorded and listened to you can deal with it much more effectively than bottling it up inside. Do you actually always screw things up? Are you useless? No, your mind exaggerates, your ego craves attention like a little brat. So slap it down and tell it who's boss and then you can build on the positive self talk.
Positive self-talk is hard for so many of us. We grow up in a world of negativity, control and limitations. As Mike Cernovic writes it is not surprising that so many of us suffer with the limitations of our minds and don't progress in life. Why should dreams only be just that? Part of it is people around us telling us that it won't work and the rest is our own minds. So positive self-talk starts with affirmations. You may think this is fluff that doesn't work, but it has worked for millions of people over the years and comes back to consistency. It is not a magic pill, but something that you have to believe in and repeat everyday. Believing in your affirmations are easier because you write them. They are something that you want to be written as though they are already fact. Examples might be:
- "I am confident and strong."
- "I am a bloody marvellous human being with great management skills."
- "Today is another day to show how great I can be, even if I don't win I will grow stronger for tomorrow."
Like when you verbalised your negative self-talk it helps to say these aloud, everyday to yourself. Stand up, smile, pull your shoulders back and let yourself know how bloody fantastic you are. I tell you the mind needs to know who is boss and how amazing you are.
Your affirmations can be corny, funny or serious, but above all else they are personal to you alone and specific to what you want to improve about yourself.
Let me finish off here by saying this. These techniques are no magic pill on their own, you have to tackle the negative shit head on and accept how ridiculous it is. You are your only limitation to what you want from life. Your negative talk has been around for years and is akin to a Great White Shark. Your introduction of positive self-talk and affirmations is basically a minnow in comparison. But through consistent "feeding" through daily repetition of positive self-talk (and a little magic) your minnow can become a Blue Whale. I speak only facts, so don't doubt my metaphors.
Anyway lets stop chatting and get on with some positive action. Bugger off and get Mike Cernovic's book and let me know how you get on.
Are you ok?
Tom
Friday, 12 February 2016
Progress steps
I have had a busy couple of weeks with work all be it nothing when compared with Catherine's crazy hours. Her work has taken a lot out of her lately and reminded me of our life in London when we didn't see much of each other. It has also reminded me how we balance each other out and work as a team. Balance is certainly the best word for this post because we all need to ensure our body's remain in homeostasis. As much as we can hope that others will support us and provide what we need we must accept that won't always be the case. Everyone has to live their lives as an individual and look after themselves first before attending to others. If that seems selfish then you should probably not bother reading on. Unless you can maintain your own balance through correct nutrition, exercise, sleep and social activities then you will fail. It doesn't matter how many friends you have on Facebook they won't be able to look after you unless you look after yourself.
Following this thought process brings me to the title of the post, which is 'progress steps'. These steps have come gradually over the months as I work on retuning my brain. You may have read one of my last posts where I spoke of the necessity to eat enough and how your thinking patterns can change when you achieve optimal nutrition intake. This week I have found the benefits of taking a Magnesium and B-Vitamin supplement every morning along with breakfast. I wouldn't say I am bouncing off the walls with energy, but that my mind has appeared quieter and more stable. I have had a level of concentration return which has escaped me for months if not more and my memory recall seems like it's taken speed. Considering how bad my memory has been over the years it is a definitive step in the right direction to be able to recall names, conversations and useful information so much easier than before. I am no scientist and so I cannot say that my experiment has conclusively proven this supplement is the cure all. But I haven't meditated in over a week and aside from ditching Facebook there has not been another change. Normally meditating would be keeping me clear headed, so to not have done any and feel this good is pleasing to say the least.
Obviously I am happy to make progress, but as I have said before it doesn't come easy. I have changed a great deal that I do and in all honesty I only experience 'low to moderate' depression. So to put it bluntly it takes time and consistent effort. It is hard work to overcome mind habits created many years ago and reinforced over two decades. For those who are (or have someone) going through depression I can offer much advice, but mainly just this, keep on going. It may be a long road, but the experiences along the way are worth it, even if your mind may tell you something different. Be patient and stick with it, because eventually you see small things happen and you realise that maybe life isn't so bad after all.
Are you ok?
Tom
Following this thought process brings me to the title of the post, which is 'progress steps'. These steps have come gradually over the months as I work on retuning my brain. You may have read one of my last posts where I spoke of the necessity to eat enough and how your thinking patterns can change when you achieve optimal nutrition intake. This week I have found the benefits of taking a Magnesium and B-Vitamin supplement every morning along with breakfast. I wouldn't say I am bouncing off the walls with energy, but that my mind has appeared quieter and more stable. I have had a level of concentration return which has escaped me for months if not more and my memory recall seems like it's taken speed. Considering how bad my memory has been over the years it is a definitive step in the right direction to be able to recall names, conversations and useful information so much easier than before. I am no scientist and so I cannot say that my experiment has conclusively proven this supplement is the cure all. But I haven't meditated in over a week and aside from ditching Facebook there has not been another change. Normally meditating would be keeping me clear headed, so to not have done any and feel this good is pleasing to say the least.
Obviously I am happy to make progress, but as I have said before it doesn't come easy. I have changed a great deal that I do and in all honesty I only experience 'low to moderate' depression. So to put it bluntly it takes time and consistent effort. It is hard work to overcome mind habits created many years ago and reinforced over two decades. For those who are (or have someone) going through depression I can offer much advice, but mainly just this, keep on going. It may be a long road, but the experiences along the way are worth it, even if your mind may tell you something different. Be patient and stick with it, because eventually you see small things happen and you realise that maybe life isn't so bad after all.
Are you ok?
Tom
Tuesday, 2 February 2016
This last week I have been working on reducing distractions of the mind. It is not dissimilar to having a spring clean of your home, where once finished your shit is in order and you can see things clearly. In the same vein my mind is a little clearer already from having less to focus on. More importantly for a depressive I have more clarity to see what is truly important.
Having less distractions for my brain means I can actually maintain concentration at work and I've been happy with how I've got on in the last week. Alongside this I have restarted my daily meditation practice in order to help clear the mind and deal with anything that arises through the week. I've got a good balance with my gym training too in that I am going three times a week, but not exceeding that. Less is more in that regard as it gives my body a chance to recover from work.
The secret with depression and anxiety is that there is no secret. There is no magic cure or pill (even if it's prescribed) that will cure these ills (at least not in the short term). The formula to successfully dealing with both is research, consistent effort, time and support. Research relates to the discovery of what you are experiencing and strategies and tools to help you manage what you have. Consistent effort means you don't shy away when things go bad or give up on strategies when times are good, you keep living life. If you became obese over 20 years would you expect to lose it all in a week? No, so don't expect miracles to occur just because you decide to deal with your depression or anxiety. It's going to take time, so be patient, accept it and smile! Support means friends and family. Let them know what is happening, let them in (even if it's just cracking the door to your mind) and spend time with them. Life is not about struggling on selflessly through troublesome times. Sharing within your closest circle of friends or family will help them understand why you might appear to be a grumpy tart, or why you never want to do anything socially. Nobody is a mind reader.
I could go on about the last a lot more and perhaps I will repeat myself in future posts as you can never read it enough times. I found a tool recently that was enlightening. I read the New Scientist thanks to my great friend Nick and I love reading and learning about the Universe when articles appear in an edition. A recent article talked of the Multiverse and my brain almost exploded at the theorem presented about it. But the one thing I always see when I read about the Universe is how small we are. Not just our lonely planet, but us as individuals. We are tiny specs in this amazing space and we are completely insignificant. That realisation actually helps me to relax. It may not seem like it because it sounds depressive, but actually it is a realisation that if you can accept it will help you out.
Well that is enough chatter for now. Keep keeping on people!
Are you ok?
T
Having less distractions for my brain means I can actually maintain concentration at work and I've been happy with how I've got on in the last week. Alongside this I have restarted my daily meditation practice in order to help clear the mind and deal with anything that arises through the week. I've got a good balance with my gym training too in that I am going three times a week, but not exceeding that. Less is more in that regard as it gives my body a chance to recover from work.
The secret with depression and anxiety is that there is no secret. There is no magic cure or pill (even if it's prescribed) that will cure these ills (at least not in the short term). The formula to successfully dealing with both is research, consistent effort, time and support. Research relates to the discovery of what you are experiencing and strategies and tools to help you manage what you have. Consistent effort means you don't shy away when things go bad or give up on strategies when times are good, you keep living life. If you became obese over 20 years would you expect to lose it all in a week? No, so don't expect miracles to occur just because you decide to deal with your depression or anxiety. It's going to take time, so be patient, accept it and smile! Support means friends and family. Let them know what is happening, let them in (even if it's just cracking the door to your mind) and spend time with them. Life is not about struggling on selflessly through troublesome times. Sharing within your closest circle of friends or family will help them understand why you might appear to be a grumpy tart, or why you never want to do anything socially. Nobody is a mind reader.
I could go on about the last a lot more and perhaps I will repeat myself in future posts as you can never read it enough times. I found a tool recently that was enlightening. I read the New Scientist thanks to my great friend Nick and I love reading and learning about the Universe when articles appear in an edition. A recent article talked of the Multiverse and my brain almost exploded at the theorem presented about it. But the one thing I always see when I read about the Universe is how small we are. Not just our lonely planet, but us as individuals. We are tiny specs in this amazing space and we are completely insignificant. That realisation actually helps me to relax. It may not seem like it because it sounds depressive, but actually it is a realisation that if you can accept it will help you out.
Well that is enough chatter for now. Keep keeping on people!
Are you ok?
T
Monday, 25 January 2016
New year, new pants
It has been weeks since I sat down to write a blog post. As we are well clear of the New Year I thought now would be a good time to tap something out.
In my last post I spoke about writing more in the new year and to all intents and purposes I managed that for a week or two. But my mind is a fickle beast that makes creating a new habit a tougher task than I imagined. I haven't given up, I'm just changing my approach.
I've decided to reduce a few distractions in order to help my brain because I discovered a few things recently. After working 50 hour weeks before Christmas I discovered that when I don't balance out a heavy work load with fun, fitness and rest I end up down the rabbit hole again. When that happens it is more insidious than before (which is a great improvement), so much so that I missed the warning signs until a friend pointed them out to me. Seemingly small things like losing my memory, poor to zero concentration levels, mood swings, loss of balance and tripping over were things I missed in those two weeks before Christmas holiday. Now it's not that I dislike hard work, but my mind can't keep up if my body isn't supported. nor if my brain has no rest either. So now that I have a better understanding of my body, what do I do about it?
Well I have highlighted a few things that help and hinder my depression, it's a list that develops as I work through it, so I'll just lay it out:
Hinders
Alcohol
Lack of sleep/poor sleep due to above
Distractions (social media, news, phone)
Too much sugar
Too much caffeine
Not eating regularly enough
Not enough time on my own
Too much time on my own (I know it's nuts)
Busy places
Big groups
Helps
Meditation
Regular strength training (not running)
Writing
Time with Catherine
Time with friends
Talking
Professional help
A good diet
Time in nature
Swimming in the ocean
Regular work (Just not more than 50 hours a week)
These lists could go on for ages, but this is what comes to mind immediately. It helps me to write this and share with you as it clears some of this shit out of my head and allows a clear space to rein. That's basically how meditation helps me too and why it is at the top of my 'help' list.
The results of this observation and analysis is that I'm about to end Facebook. I've reduced my friends list down to 27 from 140 odd and am about to kill it completely. The reason behind this is so that I don't spend as much time on my phone, have less distractions and don't fill my head with the bullshit that I read on there. Pretty much the reason I stopped watching or reading the news. Most would say that the downside is that I'll lose contact with friends, but I think you are kidding yourself if you think that. The friends I have here I see regularly enough that I don't need to know what they last ate or how they spent their free time. The friends I have back home in England I will speak to on Whatsapp or via the good old fashioned phone. It's not that I don't care about any of these friends, but I really don't need to fill my head with the useless shit that we all post on a social medium that is supposed to bring us closer together. The friends and family I actually want to hear about don't post anything on there, so what is the point? By not having it one of two things will happen. I will either speak to friends more or I will speak to them as little as I do now using Facebook.
The other major observation is how alcohol affects me and disrupts my mental state. I've never been that good with alcohol anyway, but it is clearer that it causes more problems for me than good. So now that our wedding anniversary is over I am off the booze. I originally said that I would give up for a year, so as of January 24th I'm off the sauce and will update you on how it goes each month.
There is probably more I could talk about in this post, but I am going to leave it there for now. My concentration is waning and I'd like to talk more about other things in a post in the next few days.
Until then,
Are you ok?
Tom
In my last post I spoke about writing more in the new year and to all intents and purposes I managed that for a week or two. But my mind is a fickle beast that makes creating a new habit a tougher task than I imagined. I haven't given up, I'm just changing my approach.
I've decided to reduce a few distractions in order to help my brain because I discovered a few things recently. After working 50 hour weeks before Christmas I discovered that when I don't balance out a heavy work load with fun, fitness and rest I end up down the rabbit hole again. When that happens it is more insidious than before (which is a great improvement), so much so that I missed the warning signs until a friend pointed them out to me. Seemingly small things like losing my memory, poor to zero concentration levels, mood swings, loss of balance and tripping over were things I missed in those two weeks before Christmas holiday. Now it's not that I dislike hard work, but my mind can't keep up if my body isn't supported. nor if my brain has no rest either. So now that I have a better understanding of my body, what do I do about it?
Well I have highlighted a few things that help and hinder my depression, it's a list that develops as I work through it, so I'll just lay it out:
Hinders
Alcohol
Lack of sleep/poor sleep due to above
Distractions (social media, news, phone)
Too much sugar
Too much caffeine
Not eating regularly enough
Not enough time on my own
Too much time on my own (I know it's nuts)
Busy places
Big groups
Helps
Meditation
Regular strength training (not running)
Writing
Time with Catherine
Time with friends
Talking
Professional help
A good diet
Time in nature
Swimming in the ocean
Regular work (Just not more than 50 hours a week)
These lists could go on for ages, but this is what comes to mind immediately. It helps me to write this and share with you as it clears some of this shit out of my head and allows a clear space to rein. That's basically how meditation helps me too and why it is at the top of my 'help' list.
The results of this observation and analysis is that I'm about to end Facebook. I've reduced my friends list down to 27 from 140 odd and am about to kill it completely. The reason behind this is so that I don't spend as much time on my phone, have less distractions and don't fill my head with the bullshit that I read on there. Pretty much the reason I stopped watching or reading the news. Most would say that the downside is that I'll lose contact with friends, but I think you are kidding yourself if you think that. The friends I have here I see regularly enough that I don't need to know what they last ate or how they spent their free time. The friends I have back home in England I will speak to on Whatsapp or via the good old fashioned phone. It's not that I don't care about any of these friends, but I really don't need to fill my head with the useless shit that we all post on a social medium that is supposed to bring us closer together. The friends and family I actually want to hear about don't post anything on there, so what is the point? By not having it one of two things will happen. I will either speak to friends more or I will speak to them as little as I do now using Facebook.
The other major observation is how alcohol affects me and disrupts my mental state. I've never been that good with alcohol anyway, but it is clearer that it causes more problems for me than good. So now that our wedding anniversary is over I am off the booze. I originally said that I would give up for a year, so as of January 24th I'm off the sauce and will update you on how it goes each month.
There is probably more I could talk about in this post, but I am going to leave it there for now. My concentration is waning and I'd like to talk more about other things in a post in the next few days.
Until then,
Are you ok?
Tom
Monday, 21 December 2015
Keeping regular
Strangely this post is not about the current state of my colon as much as the title might lead you to believe. Rather it is about maintaining my consistency with the things that matter.
I have never been one for making New Year resolutions mainly because I am crap at sticking to them. But when I have a passion that I care about I can usually see it through to a conclusion. With this in mind I made myself a promise at the weekend to scribble everyday. As you know I love to write and I have been an irregular blogger for a few years, in that time I have used my blog as a way to vent my feelings and write a conversation on my depression. But like so many things in my life I have not been consistent when it mattered, the results were erratic at best and I never really progressed with tackling my issues. Since I have started down the road to "calmness" I have seen the benefits of regular meditation and weight lifting on my mind. Now my goal is to write everyday, not just to help my head, but because I love to write and want to get better at it. Fortunately even when I write shit lines it helps to clear my brain and bring some great ideas to the forefront.
Having said that as I write this I have been watching a great film and it has sidetracked me somewhat from my goal! The film in question was Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, a veritable classic starring The Rock, Michael Caine and Luis Guzman amongst others, (hopefully you picked up the sarcasm there!) The reason I put the film on was to have some background noise on whilst I tapped out a few lines of this post. But instead I ended up watching the whole thing and being distracted from what I wanted to say. As a result it allowed my head a little rest from itself just watching crap (but good) TV and I relaxed. Sounds absurd to say this but sometimes I forget how to relax, my thinking can be that all consuming and draining that I don't know how to just switch off, sad really. But this well timed break meant that I not only wrote what I wanted above, but also found another way to switch the head off. In the battle against the Black Dog it's all about finding the tricks that work and using them one after the other.
Following on from this thought process (hang on Tom, stop thinking!) I wanted to bring up a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently. We both agreed that our generation (80's kid) has too much time to think. We have it so good because of our parents working hard and setting us up, modern technology making things easier and a thousand opportunities open for us to do whatever we want. But we are still unhappy, still we want something bigger, to be someone or do something important. Now I know this is a topic that can go on forever and I merely raise it to highlight my own flaws in regards to overthinking. But if we take stock and look at what we have rather than what we don't, try to live in the present moment and live a much simpler existence then contentment will follow. Not happiness, but contentment. Calmness will follow that.
Perhaps you don't want those last two things, that's fine. Perhaps you want happiness. I mean that is a cool goal. But happiness is just a feeling, it comes and goes and we can never hold onto it forever. We just have to enjoy it when it is there, much like we have to be present when we experience sadness or grief. Denying it only makes things worse, but allowing it means you can learn and move on. For me striving to be something great is the root of my depression and anxiety. Fuck. That is some serious realisation there. Truthfully the pain I cause myself from trying to be perfect is why I am writing this and what I need to do most often is not take myself and life so seriously and just enjoy the moment. That is not to say that we shouldn't aim for goals and work towards them. But is it really worth making yourself ill over? Is it worth the heartache, the decline into a different personality and the dark side of a depressive mind? No. That right there is why I meditate, lift weights and write. These simple things help me to realise that none of what we do really matters, we are insignificant. Nobody will care about us when we are dust (aside from family), we are not that amazing. Once you realise that you can let go of all the bullshit and just get on with being. Being your real self. Being chill. Being a human.
Anyway enough deep stuff. Don't think too hard on any of this, but feel free to check out this meditation book I use this Christmas. It is one of the best things I ever did.
Merry christmas to one all.
Tom
I have never been one for making New Year resolutions mainly because I am crap at sticking to them. But when I have a passion that I care about I can usually see it through to a conclusion. With this in mind I made myself a promise at the weekend to scribble everyday. As you know I love to write and I have been an irregular blogger for a few years, in that time I have used my blog as a way to vent my feelings and write a conversation on my depression. But like so many things in my life I have not been consistent when it mattered, the results were erratic at best and I never really progressed with tackling my issues. Since I have started down the road to "calmness" I have seen the benefits of regular meditation and weight lifting on my mind. Now my goal is to write everyday, not just to help my head, but because I love to write and want to get better at it. Fortunately even when I write shit lines it helps to clear my brain and bring some great ideas to the forefront.
Having said that as I write this I have been watching a great film and it has sidetracked me somewhat from my goal! The film in question was Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, a veritable classic starring The Rock, Michael Caine and Luis Guzman amongst others, (hopefully you picked up the sarcasm there!) The reason I put the film on was to have some background noise on whilst I tapped out a few lines of this post. But instead I ended up watching the whole thing and being distracted from what I wanted to say. As a result it allowed my head a little rest from itself just watching crap (but good) TV and I relaxed. Sounds absurd to say this but sometimes I forget how to relax, my thinking can be that all consuming and draining that I don't know how to just switch off, sad really. But this well timed break meant that I not only wrote what I wanted above, but also found another way to switch the head off. In the battle against the Black Dog it's all about finding the tricks that work and using them one after the other.
Following on from this thought process (hang on Tom, stop thinking!) I wanted to bring up a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently. We both agreed that our generation (80's kid) has too much time to think. We have it so good because of our parents working hard and setting us up, modern technology making things easier and a thousand opportunities open for us to do whatever we want. But we are still unhappy, still we want something bigger, to be someone or do something important. Now I know this is a topic that can go on forever and I merely raise it to highlight my own flaws in regards to overthinking. But if we take stock and look at what we have rather than what we don't, try to live in the present moment and live a much simpler existence then contentment will follow. Not happiness, but contentment. Calmness will follow that.
Perhaps you don't want those last two things, that's fine. Perhaps you want happiness. I mean that is a cool goal. But happiness is just a feeling, it comes and goes and we can never hold onto it forever. We just have to enjoy it when it is there, much like we have to be present when we experience sadness or grief. Denying it only makes things worse, but allowing it means you can learn and move on. For me striving to be something great is the root of my depression and anxiety. Fuck. That is some serious realisation there. Truthfully the pain I cause myself from trying to be perfect is why I am writing this and what I need to do most often is not take myself and life so seriously and just enjoy the moment. That is not to say that we shouldn't aim for goals and work towards them. But is it really worth making yourself ill over? Is it worth the heartache, the decline into a different personality and the dark side of a depressive mind? No. That right there is why I meditate, lift weights and write. These simple things help me to realise that none of what we do really matters, we are insignificant. Nobody will care about us when we are dust (aside from family), we are not that amazing. Once you realise that you can let go of all the bullshit and just get on with being. Being your real self. Being chill. Being a human.
Anyway enough deep stuff. Don't think too hard on any of this, but feel free to check out this meditation book I use this Christmas. It is one of the best things I ever did.
Merry christmas to one all.
Tom
Thursday, 17 December 2015
Clarity?
On my walk home from the chiropractor last night I had 30 minutes of the strangest feeling. Normally I don't get a full "episode", but rather snippets of the feature film. But for that 30 minute walk I had a calm like no other, a contentment and peace in myself that was unbroken by my mind. I was neither happy nor sad, but rather I was just being. I felt relaxed (possibly from chiro), but it was the sort of relaxed you feel when you are too tired to fight anymore, when your mind and body just chill the fuck out. Perhaps that was all it was, just fatigue from working long hours, being in the sun on a hot tin roof and having consumed four coffees (not all at once!) Whatever the cause was I don't care. If I knew the combination code that elicited that safe of feeling to be opened then I'd do anything to get it again. It was an amazing experience.
But that is just part of a bigger feeling I've had recently. For all my posts about falling off the wagon I have been making progress. I need to write that as much to tell myself as you, but I'm crawling forwards. Some days it's like dragging myself through treacle, with a head that won't compute the simplest tasks and feeling like I've been tranquillised. But little by little I have better days when work makes sense, I don't forget shit and I'm a positive person to be around. But it takes time I will tell you that for free. I am realising now how little I knew myself before and how different I am slowly becoming. It's not an outward change because I don't give a damn about that, rather it's inside that is changing and that's the juicy bit, quite literally. Somebody once said that I don't need to change, that I am great the way I am. But I am only great to those outside of my head, for all the people I meet will always get the friendly and supportive Tom. But that is not what I am trying to change. It's the evil shit inside that nobody sees that I'm working on.
On a different note I had a chat with a friend about positive motivational quotes the other day. I was annoyed by the emptiness of the words that are bandied about on Facebook posts everyday. I don't know why this gets my goat so much, after all these people are only trying to be positive. That is certainly better than the negativity everywhere. But perhaps it is because people don't really think about what they are saying or that the words have no real meaning. It could be because the words are empty when you don't act on them, learn from them. As I've said before you can't just talk a good game, you have to work at it every damn day.mI do my meditation regularly now and have started a regular stretch programme with Catherine. The gym is irregular but I'm not killing myself over it, when I stop doing physical 50 hour weeks then I'll get back into it! The key for me is to take action consistently if I want to see a change and not just moan about things or write about them.
I don't remember if there was a purpose to this post other than speaking of my "calm" experience. But if there's a point to make I guess it is this, don't give up. If you want change then act. Stop fucking complaining about shit and talking it over, thinking about it and throwing up barriers to your success, JUST DO IT. Yes for some things you'll need a plan, but you know what for most stuff you don't, just act. Learn from your mistakes because planning will only take you so far and won't prevent bad stuff happening. In fact you'll learn more if you experience the bad stuff, just look at me as a case in point, without Depression I wouldn't be making changes to myself in order to improve my life.
Mull on that for a bit, but make sure you act on it.
Tom
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