The battle begins

I've left the blog for a week because I didn't think there was much more I could say after the last post. Like finishing a marathon exhausted in every conceivable way I had nothing left. Unsurprisingly the days after that post were particularly shit and low. But after finishing the depression book I was reading, starting meditation and talking with two close friends I have picked up a little.

I'll summarise the few days after my last point. I went through a few days after the last post feeling devoid of feeling and positivity. I managed one run and despite it being a good one I was anxious and blue by the end. For those few days I must have been pretty awful to live with, displaying a short temper and being unresponsive.

Saturday was a turning point, all be it a small one. I finished work earlier than expected, so I got to enjoy a coffee at our friend's cafe with Catherine and Caitlin. After that we went home and blitz cleaned the car (it is satisfying to do knock down menial tasks when you are depressed). After that we headed to a friends new apartment for food. I wasn't great company at the party, but had a constructive catch up with my mate Simon and left feeling more relaxed.

Sunday we had Achilles training and I enjoyed spending time with my mate Cavalier with a GoPro strapped to my chest. This was in order to get video footage of the routes Cav walks, from the city scape to the vistas around the Opera House. From there we went to Dane and Caitlin's acro workshop to learn some new skills. What can I say I am enjoying Acro! Not that I didn't think I would, but I like learning new skills and seeing our partnership develop. I am just focussing on enjoying it now and not worrying about beating myself up if I don't get something. Lord knows I do that too much already! In fact here's what we learnt:

But that wasn't the end of Sunday, oh no! We headed to the sales after that and picked up a new block of Global knives, a toaster and a kettle. Well that's just what you do when you get married, rock and roll! By the time we got back home I was knackered and enjoyed relaxing for the rest of the evening. Something I need to do more of over the next few weeks, so I don't make myself worse.

Monday was a day off for the Queen's birthday (thanks Liz), so we caught up with friends for brunch near the beach. I did enjoy seeing everyone, but I am still struggling with being in groups at the moment, I get anxious and can't relax. After we went our separate ways Andrew and I had a great talk about everything and he suggested using the punchbag to release some stress and anxiety. I can confirm that it works after hitting the bag and doing some tabata intervals, so this has been added to my new toolbox. Along with the daily meditation I hope that this will keep my mind from overloading, so watch this space.

Today I saw the doctor and after talking with him for half an hour he recommended I return on Thursday before he refers me to a psychologist. I see this as a different tool to help me work through issues that have been around for years. I'm not expecting a magic bullet because I've suffered for years with this. I also know a lot of what I need to do and have already put that into action. So the psychologist part will be to work on some deeply embedded memories and learned traits. It is going to be a complex and lengthy process, but hell I've got some great support and a brain, so I'll get there!

Thanks again for all the messages of support. It means a lot to Catherine and I to have you there.

Tom

A rollercoaster

I have always enjoyed rollercoasters, they hit so many senses in your body. From the start when you are pressed into your seat by the harness you are filled with excitement. This grows as you are slowly brought up the first incline with the click clacking of the mechanism. Then you have that brief moment of wonder when you reach the top and feel like you are on top of the world. This is closely followed by either extreme excitement or dread as you fly down the first hill. It probably doesn't get much better than that first part when your stomach is in your mouth and you feel the pressure on your body. By the time you roll into the finish you want to do it all again and feel that rush once more.

I haven't been on a real rollercoaster in awhile, but I feel like I am on one at the moment. It is not just the highs and lows of life, from getting married to changing jobs. It is day to day and for no reason at all. This is the worst thing about depression (other than the really dark stuff) because you can feel absolutely fine one day, happy as Larry, feeling like nothing can faze you. Then the next day you go to work as usual and gradually get worse in mood and energy as the day wears on. Sometimes you just wake up feeling exhausted with it all, like life is just too much effort. It reaches a point where things don't excite you, much like riding the same rollercoaster you just stop enjoying things. You can still feel happy and laugh, but it's different. Sometimes it feels worse when you do have fun because it makes the lows comparatively a lot worse, a sort of fun hangover. That sounds sad saying that, but it is painfully true and much clearer to me now.

The last three days have been my rollercoaster. To be fair it has been going on for a lot longer than that, a very long time in fact. Today is a lower day, not the lowest, just below average. Yesterday was a good day and that is why today is harder, a small low feels worse after a good day. It is hard on my closest friend too, not knowing what your husband will be like when you wake up or get home from work. This obviously then makes me feel guilty and worse for upsetting her.

It is tough when I know that I am an optimist and used to be so much more positive. Let me get this straight though, I don't want or choose to feel this way. I don't think I have mentioned that before in my blog. I enjoy being the happy person that people like and being positive. I don't want to be known as the grumpy old man or the miserable, moody friend because that isn't me. Yes there is an element of grumpy old man that I will allow, but it's not these levels. I have never been positive to the point of annoyance (at least I hope not!), just a useful and friendly level. However this has waned over the last few years, probably working as a personal trainer finished off my reserves of positivity before I came to Australia. So now I just feel empty. I am training for a marathon again (which may not be the best idea) and it is a struggle to train. Trying to get out and do something positive for myself has become a trial. I can't motivate myself to go to the gym, despite having enjoyed going with Catherine in the past. I have also become empty for others, not having the energy for people that I used to have in abundance. I don't have the energy to catch up with friends or contact them, I feel guilty about that too.

I am grateful for everyone that has taken time to contact me. Talking and writing do help. My plan of action has kind of been working, so that aids things too. But I have reached a point now where I am going to get some proper help as I have a better idea of what is going on. I would like to thank my Mum and my friends Nick, Anna and Andrew for helping. To my beautiful wife I say thank you for being my little rock, you do more than you'll ever know to help, I love you and I promise I'll get better.

If you ever feel anything similar to the things I have written about in recent weeks please don't dismiss it. I was shown the book Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong and it has helped to see the physiology behind it. It actually helps me to read it because it is a surprisingly positive and constructive book.

Until next time,

Tom

Having fun

I started writing this blog post talking about how I am grateful for what I have, but I changed my mind. As much as I am grateful and remind myself of this frequently, this doesn't actually help me feel less anxious or depressed. If anything it makes things worse because I then feel guilty for feeling depressed when I should be happy. But the mind is a complicated thing and mental illness isn't black and white. Often I have no reason why I feel a certain way and so I don't talk about it in the knowledge that most people won't understand, and some will be plain rude and condescending. Anyway I am getting way off track here, let's get back to this post shall we?

Yesterday myself, Catherine and our friend Andrew drove to the Royal National Park in Sydney's south to hit the running trails. It was fantastic! The three hours we ended up spending running and walking out there was the exact reason we moved to Australia. Now that we have a car my aim is to spend as many Saturday mornings out there running and cycling as is physically possible. Fortunately Catherine shares my enthusiasm and is keen as mustard (that's pretty keen folks) to get out exploring.




Without getting too deep into it I find being out in the middle of nowhere the most cathartic experience available. It is the best therapy I could have because I can focus on enjoying the best that nature has to offer, without traffic noise or crowds of people. It also gives Catherine and I time together to talk properly and connect. It's not that we don't do that already, but during the week we are working, training, relaxing. I know how hard it can be to listen properly when you're mind and/or body have been frazzled by work, so I don't put that on Catherine during the week. The trouble is I haven't been doing at the weekend either, so that is why I end up like the other week, imploding.

Today we went to Achilles training in the Botanic Gardens before heading to our acro workshop with our friends Duo Die Acrobatics . All of this is great because it is fun and time with friends, a time to connect and do something. Doing is the name of the game moving forwards, because as good as this blogging makes me feel to splurge my crazy thoughts onto a page, it won't help without action. My Dad used to say that I "talk a good game" and as much as I find that funny (because it is true) it cuts right to the point. I have been a talker, a bullshitter and a procrastinator for years. However through the right friends I have learnt a little about myself and what action I need to take. Actually I have been taking it. I have been reading and learning more, I have improved a lot at work and in training. I have started to talk more to close friends and not just blog. These are my small steps, but they are building a new habit and it is action. I am not just feeling sorry for myself.

This evening I had another small revelation. I had drunk a coffee after acro training before returning home with the food shopping. I was knackered when I got in, I just wanted to sit down. But I knew that if I did that I wouldn't get up again. So I grumpily started cooking lunches for the week. I stuck sausages and salmon in the oven (not the same dish) and started cooking a turkey curry on the stove. As Catherine put it I was 'frantic'! But it was because I was realising something profound. As much as I think that I am a lazy, chilled out sloth I actually think I am the opposite. I need action. I desire a plan, structure, a deadline. For years I have been working for myself and missing this. I turned myself into a lazy, procrastinator. It doesn't matter that all I was doing was cooking, I was revelling in the 'doing'. I was realising that I just have to lay out a plan each day and 'do it'. I can be everything that I want to be, but I have to do it, nothing will come from talking and planning it.

On that note I direct you to this motivational video courtesy of my friend Andrew:

TED talk motivation video

Are you ok?

Tom

Putting things together

This week has been a progression in both work and mind. Although after reading this post you may not think it! Nevertheless it has been a great learning experience on two different fronts.

Work is going well I am starting to enjoy it as I find my confidence and self belief improving. It is strange to go back to feeling like a teenager, a time when I knew very little. A time when (a little like now) I hid my true feelings behind a mask of smiles and being the nice guy. I was a glutton for punishment and being overly sensitive led to a rollercoaster of ups and downs. What can be an asset can also be your worst enemy too, it just takes time to see that. Now though I am starting to believe again! I am trying to turn the voice in my head into a team of cheerleaders rather than a riot of demonstrators. It's going to take time!

Today I would like to think I am a more rounded person for my experiences. Like others I have made mistakes, some I have learnt from, others I have not. But those experiences have led me to this point where I view my life in a different light. I still think there is more to it than I have discovered, but I am trying to deal with the anxiety and depression that brings by changing who I am. Most people won't understand this, family and friends will be mystified as to what I need to change. But that is because I have been a more private person than most would know.

When I talk about change I mean it in a way that again most won't understand. It is not about losing my good points, but merely strengthening my weak ones. It is not because what I have isn't good enough, nor because I am unhappy. Those points are irrelevant. If you are driven by happiness then you will be eternally unhappy. Striving for happiness is like trying to win a coin toss. You can't make it happen, it just does. But happiness is not the end game, it is just a feeling, a temporary state of mind. It comes and goes and that is life. What I am striving for is to learn more, improve myself and ultimately have an impact. This last will sound big headed. That's fine. If you don't strive for excellence then you are aiming too low.

My nemesis in all of this change and transformation is particularly close to home. I live with them day in and day out and they know all my secrets, weaknesses and triggers. My demon is me. My own mind. When I caught up with my friend the other night we talked about controlling the mind and body, how it is possible through commitment to certain practices. Firstly it starts as a commitment to bettering oneself, because what use are you to the World if you can't help you. Through planning, practice and determination I am embarking on a journey of improvement with the aim of controlling my mind, adjusting the negative thinking and getting somewhere. I don't have all the answers and that's fine because what fun would life be if we knew what was going to happen?

I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate what I have though. To remind myself what I am grateful for I have included a couple of snaps from today. Tomorrow I will be posting a happier scribble about today's trail running and my plan of attack for the weeks ahead.

Are you ok?

Tom

Making sense

Tonight I caught up with a good friend of mine in town at the GPO. We had another great tapas dinner at one of the restaurants down the stairs, I forget the name, but it was delicious. Over this tasty meal we caught up on the day to day stuff, before getting into the complex head problems that we've both been dealing with.

My friend and I share similar paths in our brain problems, but he is a couple of steps ahead of me in his endeavours. So it was with interest that I got to sit back and listen whilst he talked about how he researched and dealt with his in a practical way. He spoke of a resource he found which gave a lot of practical advice and set him up on his many steps towards managing his brain. None of it was rocket science and that is why it worked, it required consistent effort to control how he felt, but it worked. He admitted that it needs consistency, because once he felt good he stopped doing a lot of the exercises. But he still had the skills to turn to when he wasn't feeling good recently and it reminded him how powerful they are at changing his state of mind.  There are not many people I know that will research, read and then actually act on the advice given, or better create their own plan and stick to it. I take my hat off to him for that and from the heart I say well done, I'm proud of you mate.

Listening to him talk was a pleasure as I saw how far he has come and that it is possible. It highlighted various things that I need to work on and deal with. One of the most revelatory points was the necessity to stop being nice. This may sound strange, but being the nice guy doesn't get you far in life. If we are honest with ourselves it really doesn't. The nice guys get taken advantage of and walked over. They spend so much time worrying about how others see them, or how others might react to them saying no that they just go along with everyone else. They become the "yes" man, appearing easy going to all and never any trouble. In reality these people have weakened themselves by being nice. They hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs, because they are weak. They worry about stupid little things that most people don't give two seconds of thought. Inside all of this makes them f*cked up, their heads are a scrambled. They are a walking contradiction and though talking and being sociable is their skill they are unable to talk to the people closest to them about the things that matter the most. Welcome to my life. Being Mr. Nice Guy is not nice. So the hardest challenge I have set myself in my whole life is to stop being nice. It doesn't necessarily mean I will be a d*ck (although that is part of the process), but it means positive things like taking control, speaking ones mind and above all else living life without worrying what people think.

As I sit here and read back over what I have just written I think that this is a bigger challenge than all the marathons and ultra marathons I have run put together. But it's not terrifying. For once in my life I  can see that this is possible. All I need is a plan and I think I just wrote that out above.

Are you ok?

Tom

Bloody plans!

The weekend may be over but I am still feeling the benefits of a good long run yesterday and some time off with my little wifey.

On Saturday I finally conceded to Catherine that having a plan for your day off is a good thing. This came about because I was feeling miserable after having a productive morning of household chores. Cleaning is enough to make most people grumpy, but mine was appearing because of a different cause. I've discovered that my anxiety stems from a need to do something important with my life. By not having a plan I worry more about insignificant things and let anxiety take over, rendering me unable to act and generally not wanting to interact with anyone. It all used to be so easy when I was twenty!

After talking (yes shock horror) about how I was feeling to Catherine, I conceded that having a plan for the day meant that I was able to visualise what goals were to be achieved and knew that I was using my time wisely. Even though this was as simple as saying "coffee at Rosie's till 3pm, then head into Bondi Junction for towels before heading home at 6pm to get ready to go out", I felt more relaxed as a result. I never thought that I would say this, but being organised and having a plan can help you to avoid a great deal of stress. My productivity has improved as a result too because I know what I need to do and when. I have even pulled out my diary in order to write things down rather than use my phone for everything. This is purely because I like to write and I think it embeds itself in my brain much better when writing out appointments or reminders rather than typing them into my iPhone.

After a busy Saturday and a great big feast of carbs with friends in the evening we were both ready for a good long run on Sunday morning. Well I was ready, but Catherine certainly wasn't. This is not the norm let me tell you. Catherine is normally the one that is bouncing around like Tigger in the morning, whilst I am much more like Eeyore. But this was a welcome change and after a little time Catherine got into it and enjoyed the off road running around the outside of Centennial Park. After five miles we went our separate ways and I ran a satisfyingly swift second five to finish back at home. A delicious brunch at our local cafe X74 was a welcome reward for our efforts and made me remember what I like about running, the eating!

I am now entered into three events for the year. Glow Worm trail marathon, Blacktown marathon and Tough Mudder later in the year. What makes me happy about this is that only one of them is serious and the other two are for 'enjoyment'. I admit it is a strange form of enjoyment, but the beers after are oh so sweet because of the pain ;)

I won't bore you with too much more, but I just want to say thank you to Nick and all the other friends that contacted me recently. It is becoming easier to talk about my problems, even if it is just the start of a new plan to manage them. I suppose now I feel slightly less stupid when I write about these feelings and open up to people. I've known friends that haven't been able to do that and they have ended up a lot worse off for it.

As a reminder to ask those close to you I will start signing off a little differently from today. We can all be busy, but it doesn't take long to ask "are you ok?"

Tom :)

Talking

Some may say that I love to talk. There's no lie in that fact. But when it comes to real talk about the big stuff it is a different story. I find solace in talking to the nothingness that is the internet, by writing this blog. I know that a few people will read it, but it's not aimed at them. It's not meant to hurt, but just be an open and honest portal for my "real talk".

Slowly I am starting to talk more about what is irking me, how I am feeling when I'm quiet and releasing the grip on the dark stuff. It's a process that is hard when you've developed a habit over many years of keeping a lid on everything.

Someone said to me recently that they were surprised I felt how I did (they had read my recent gloomy post) and that I seemed to have it together from the outside. That is what I have always done, keep smiling and carry on. But it wears thin after caring for others health and wellbeing for years. There must come a point where you are open and honest with yourself and those around you, because anything else is detrimental to life.

Recently I've felt shit. But I've been in a worse state before now and nobody but Catherine knew how I felt and what was going on. This time I have more of a plan to focus my thoughts and actions and keep me progressing forwards when I feel like I want to just stop. A few friends have helped and I'm grateful for their support. It means a lot.

My Mum said something in a message to me yesterday that struck home. She said "if you are feeling depressed, just accept it. Don't try fighting it." Acceptance of who you are and what you are feeling is our greatest challenge. We don't need to be any more than what we already are, nor fake something that we are not. It's great to improve ourselves for the benefit of us and everyone around us, but it's not essential. Nobody is judging us out of ten, real life is not a bloody television show. If people are judging then it's a sign that they are not the people we need in our lives, we can kick them into touch.

I can write some crap at times, but I'm not doing it in order to gain accolades. I just need to splurge and release the pressure valve in my head, so I don't explode. We could all do with finding our own way to release the pressure each day. Something that doesn't damage our health but improves it and in that find a real peace in our minds.

Tom


- Posted from the modern day type writer