Being present

I'm back home in England and I've had a great time so far. I'm enjoying spending time with my family and am the most content I've been in a long time. I actually felt much better before leaving Sydney for our trip, but now that I have had time to think about it my mind is calm and clear. Naturally holiday will let you relax and be away from worry, but a lot of things changed in my mind whilst I was still at home (in Sydney), so I knew this break would only enhance that.

In my last post I said I would have something interesting to write about. I think I was reflecting on the change that I had noticed in myself and wanted to explain about it in a little detail. Many changes have taken place in me over the last few months and it is really the culmination of different techniques that have led to who I am now. A lot of people say that you can't change who you are, specifically how your mind operates. But I am happy to disagree with that notion, I am a small amount of proof that with consistent hard work it can be done.

When I had my little head implosion a few months ago I felt tired of life and lacking in energy for anything. I had reached a point where I was over it, but not in a suicidal way. I had a lot of anger locked up inside at myself and for the first time I realised that I had to do something about it. I did two things at this point, I found a fantastic book about mindfulness meditation and asked for help from a doctor. 

The first of these helped me right away as I committed to following the meditation programme and had something to achieve each day. It also began to calm my mind in the three weeks it took to get in for my first psychologist appointment. I am still working towards a daily meditation practice, but I practice more frequently than I ever did before and am more present because of it. When I don't meditate I know about it after a few days, so I keep it going enough to manage my mind. The best thing about the practice has been learning acceptance. Acceptance of my strengths and weaknesses, other people and life in general. This last point could have its own post it's such a huge thing.

When the psychologist referral began I was actually looking forward to it. Despite not being able to open up to family and friends in the past I saw this as an opportunity to offload and actually discover what caused my depression and anxiety. It was a chance to see why I am the way I am. Through my 8 sessions over the last few months I have learnt about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other tools to help me deal with my brain and change the way it works. I am now able to counteract the negative talk that I experience and have begun work on creating new positive pathways to help me progress in life. I'm still trying to overcome twenty plus years of bad habits but it's a step in the right direction.

The next stage in my evolution was ditching running and getting back to the gym and lifting weights. As much as I had enjoyed running it was no longer helpful to me. I had too much time to ruminate whilst training and ultimately didn't see the point of doing it for a challenge anymore. Instead I went back to lifting to experience another form of meditation where I couldn't think about anything else other than breathing and technique. It has been great to do something that is hard work, but for enjoyment first and achievement second. I think we have forgotten that in our lives and too often push to compete at everything we do. Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flipping roses! 

Looking forwards I am concentrating on keeping the consistency I've developed with meditation and the gym. I have to focus more energy on CBT and build my confidence and satisfaction with what I do in my life. That will require a lot of hard work to overcome those old habits and thought processes, but it is a necessity I welcome with open arms. Thinking about how low I've felt over the years is all the motivation I need to live a calmer, content life. That's the ultimate goal and in the last couple of weeks I've realised that it's possible if I let it be. Nobody else will make it happen, but me. Accepting that is the first step in real change.

Are you ok?

Tom

Questions of the mind

At the weekend I caught up with my friend Andrew and as usual we got into a great discussion about life. Our conversation is normally based around realism and truth, but to anyone listening in we probably sound like two grumpy old men. I don’t dispute this. We are two grumpy old men, but at least we are happy to embrace it and not fake being happy and excited when we are not.

This weekend our conversation focused around my last blog post in which I wrote about an anxiety episode from that week. The burning question from the episode was “what are you doing with your life?” So Andrew and I talked that through at length, reducing my anxiety about those thoughts and leaving me feeling calm and content.

In short there is no answer to that question or any that your brain conjures in regards to your life aspirations, because it comes from a place of negativity. It is not a thought that can be reasoned with because it has no answer that will satiate it. I am still working on where and when that thought process began, but so far I have gone back over 20 years and can remember times when I experienced it. As a slight deviation from topic I find that last sentence hilarious because I can’t remember positive experiences nearly as well or what I did at the weekend for fun. But I can vividly picture a moment I punched my bedroom cupboard in anger at myself 15 years ago! Interesting…

Regardless of the memory defect I am confident that I have had this voice in my head for many, many years. Despite the worry it gives me it also has driven me to do things that I may not have thought I could do. From training to become a fitness trainer to running a marathon it has pushed me (along with my sheer stubbornness) to achieve a great deal. The trouble arises when you realise that nothing you do will satisfy yourself. Friends and family will applaud your achievements, but the perfectionist inside you spits on your results and demands better. The sad thing is that you could be the best in the world at something and it would never satisfy you.

So this question of “what are you doing with your life?” is both useful and unhelpful depending on my reaction to it. I have learnt through my therapy sessions to take a step back and observe my mind as an outsider. With this technique I can ask whether a thought is helpful, if I should act on it or tell my mind ‘thanks, but not today’. It certainly has come in handy this week when I made a mistake on a piece of work. Where normally I would’ve tortured myself with negative thoughts I was able to stop them at the first and actually say ‘thank you brain, but that is not helpful right now’. I then set about correcting my mistake, which was painful because I want everything to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect, you can’t always be happy when shit happens, so you just have to deal with it. JUST DO IT. So that’s what I did and although the finished product wasn’t going to meet my high standards it was good enough for the job required. If I was making a teak cabinet I wouldn’t think this way, but making something out of rough treated pine is a little different!

My thoughts since the weekend have been good. I have not been crazy high or depressively low, I have felt contentment and calm. It may be because I have been working all week and have done three lifting sessions at the gym. Finding the balance for my life has been the aim of late and it is a trickier equation than you might think. There are a lot of elements to consider and it takes consistent hard work. I won’t lie, I find it tough at times to keep going. The question still pops up and it will be there for a while until I create a new though process to replace it. 

Fortunately I have taken a great deal from the mindfulness meditation practice that I have been using over the last 2-3 months. I am able to focus more on the here and now and enjoy what I am doing rather than worry about what I will do in the future. I still have goals to achieve, such as completing my Australian carpentry qualification before the end of the year. I am also working on a new book about Depression, which I think will help me as well as others. So in summary I have no answer to any big questions, but I am ok with that. I will strive to do something important with my life, but I am now better equipped to manage my mind and ensure that it doesn’t drive me into a hole. 

Catherine and I will soon be heading back to England for the end of October, so I hope to have more to share when I am on holiday. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are in the world, just remember you will be OK. 

Are you ok?

Fear

Yesterday was a sunny 30 degree day in Sydney. Of course it wouldn’t be complete without some fear added to the mix, which my brain supplied readily. As I often tell people Depression is not necessarily about your situation, in fact I’d dare to suggest it has nothing to do with it. It is more to do with the thought processes, the chemical soup in the brain and the physical feelings the sufferer goes through. If it were as simple as looking outside thinking “oh it’s a beautiful day!” and actually carrying that feeling through the day then I would be a much happier man. That is the dream, that one day I can bring my mindfulness to a level where I am consistently content. 

Anyhow I am getting off track here. I think the reason for this post was to show what my mind went through yesterday, to give another example of what a rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings each day is. This is not a “Woe is me” post, I don’t do that and frankly don’t have time for whingers. It is just to show you the process I go through, because when I write it down it helps me to identify where I can improve.

I started work yesterday at 730am. Before leaving the house I had eaten a huge breakfast as part of my new diet (eating more), I was feeling positive. My task for the day was to drop business cards at homes across Double Bay for Steve. It is a lovely area to walk around and not a hardship to walk the streets looking at all the incredible homes. Before setting out I did my daily meditation practice. I did a lot of walking and covered many homes through the morning, finishing up at Double Bay ferry terminal in time for lunch. I took my lunch to the small beach there and sat down to eat and watch the boats bob up and down as the waves came in with a good wind. I sat there and felt really good, I was being mindful of everything around me and it was as though I’d never suffered with depression. 

My mind went clear as I ate my lunch and that’s when the chatter began. “What are you doing? What are you doing with your life?” This is just one of many recordings I have listened to for years. It can be useful for pushing me to do new things, but it has in honesty left me an inconsistent fool. I’ve started so many things, but left them to wither because I’ve always felt I should be doing something else, something bigger. The curse of a free modern mind is that lots of us feel we have to do something significant, we just don’t know what. From this thought process I end with the answer “What is the point? What am I here for?” These are self defeating, will never have answers and actually push me well into the darkest places. They are the reason I have thought of suicide in the past. Perhaps I am simplifying it a little as there is more negativity than what I wrote, but I won’t put that here. Let’s just say that it is a relentless circle, which until now I have struggled to remove myself from.

However now is a different story. This is where it gets interesting. Since starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meditation I have started to see the above situation rationally. I have been given some excellent tools to deal with the thoughts and create new ones (more about that later). The above was an intense feeling and I think it has gotten worse in some respects, almost as though my brain is fighting the changes I am trying to implement. But yesterday I was able to just go “Stop.” I picked up my book and read a chapter to focus my mind on something else. I then walked to a coffee shop, bought a coffee and wrote about what I’d felt. By doing that I was able to think ‘this isn’t helpful’ and then move on with my day. 

From there I went to the gym for session one of lifting. I was able to use the feelings of anxiety and anger that I had to great effect on those inanimate objects, once I left I felt much calmer. Conveniently I had a fortnightly psychologist session straight after, so I was able to recant my day’s travails. It just happened that she had some new tools for me to try when my negative thought processes kick in. I have them with me now as a kind of first aid pack to reach for when shit gets real. At the end of the day you just have to arm yourself with as many weapons as possible to beat the brain into submission and create new thoughts.

Creating new thoughts was what I spoke with my Therapist about yesterday. Once I am able to neutralise the negativity I have to create new thoughts and repeat them in order to change the physiology of my brain and ensure it uses the good, helpful thoughts rather than the negative stuff. Simple really! Like I have said before it takes practice and consistency to ensure a change takes place, you can’t dabble in this stuff and get good results. Fortunately I have an excellent audio track from my friend Cj, which I am using to enforce the positive message I need in the next steps. If you are interested you should check it out (you don’t need to be depressed to benefit ;)):

http://www.cjmswaby.com/audio-downloads.html 

Well that is about it from me for now. I will endeavour to update you with my progress when I’ve smashed a few head demons.

Are you ok?

R U OK?

As it is R U OK? day in Australia and Suicide Prevention Day around the World I thought I should write a little post. It's a positive one, so do not fear!

Today is another good day for me. After a series of frankly shit days I was reminded what I HAVE to do, what commitment and consistency is needed from me in order to improve. When I meditate everyday and get into the gym to train then nothing else matters, I can master my mind. Obviously challenges have come up in the last few days, mistakes have been made, but my reaction to these has been the sign that what I am doing is working. My reaction has been completely different from a few days ago, the voice in my head is quiet and if it is present it is a forgiving and realistic one.

Over the last week I have had so much support from friends and family that it has blown my mind. From the calls and messages with Nick to a FaceTime with Mike and Laura. From the messages with my Mum to the many private messages from friends all over the World. It has all helped to give me the energy that I have been lacking, the energy to carry on with life that I couldn't provide myself. Now I am not saying I was suicidal this week, but having that support made a difference. It hasn't had that effect before and do you know why? It is because until this year I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. Yes I have had conversations with Catherine and family members, but I've never truly opened up and to a large extent I still haven't reached that point. But when I decided to write about my experience it was the beginning of that journey. It made talking to friends and family about what I was feeling a whole lot easier. It even meant that I could be open with complete strangers because once you've written a blog about depression and posted it on Facebook there really is nowhere to hide.

In the past when someone asked me if I was ok my standard response would be "yeah great thanks". Even if I was feeling low I'd always have energy for other people, it was part of my job at the time, so I had to be strong, happy and energetic. When you are faking it though that is the most tiring thing in the World. You want to just say "actually I feel like shit, I'm really tired and I could do with a week of sleep", but you think that people would think less of you so you don't. If I had been honest with myself and opened up then I probably would've avoided the numerous occasions when I contemplated suicide. But that would've required me to be open from before I was ten and at that stage I didn't know as much as I do now! I now know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you though, because being honest with yourself is the only path you should choose. Otherwise you will always be trapped.

A lot of my mental issues come from way, way back and I have only just begun to touch on them with proper help. But like when you need to lose weight, get fitter or just learn something new it takes time and a lot of steps and stages before you get somewhere. The beauty of R U OK? day is that the simplest genuine enquiry into how someone is feeling could make a profound difference in their lives. It could literally bring them back from the black hole they were about to fall down. Perhaps not immediately like some kind of Superman moment, but as a ripple spreading out through their life. So even though R U OK? day is over I will be continuing to ask it whenever I can, please do the same in your lives.

As I progress and get closer to the time when I will head home to England for a very important wedding, I feel clearer about my next steps. I am working on a new book (the black comedy is on hold as it's a bit too black), which will hopefully help myself and others. I know that a million books have been written before about Depression, but I wanted to write something that is lighthearted and practical for both sufferers and their friends and family. At the moment I am working on the structure and asking any of my friends that have suffered with Depression or had a family member go through it to help me out. If you want to offer your experience then I'd be most grateful as I would like to include a few different perspectives. I think that a multifaceted approach to Depression is the only way to combat it and that requires support from friends, treatment from professionals, self help, exercise and nutrition.

For now I'll leave it at that because I still have my meditation to do before bed. Until next time.

R U OK?

RAAAAA!

In my last post I wrote about progression and how I have to work at myself (so to speak) everyday. Yesterday was a strange one for me, I had work, I meditated, I saw friends, I was content. But under the surface I could feel something bubbling away. It came as a feeling and developed into a thought before becoming something louder, like a drunk friend that won't shutup, it annoyed me. The thought was the same self defeating, vicious cycle that I have experienced time and time again, "what am I doing with life?" Sadly this just boils down to "what is the point?" From there it is a slippery slope and I managed to distract myself enough to finish the day feeling good.

Sadly those thoughts don't go away. That's the shitter about depression. It's not as obvious as looking at someone and seeing that they aren't themselves. Inside those with depression are fighting a battle of their own, separate to what the World can throw at them. It can seem as thought that person is distracted, absent, daydreaming. If only you really f*cking knew!

So today was much like yesterday and I got stuck into work. A couple of things came up that needed dealing with. One was a conflict of sorts and the other just required concentration. Sadly the first almost tipped me over the edge, which would've meant the second got written off. Fortunately I used a couple of my newly learnt tools to bring me back from the edge (namely breathing and coping thoughts) and a strange thing happened. I was obviously worried about this conflict and had been proactive in dealing with it, but I was avoiding the necessary evil, calling the person. From seemingly nowhere a voice in my head said "just call him". This started to build until I was embodying Shia LaBeouf's TED talk and shouting "just DO IT!" So you know what happened? I just did it. I made the call to the man and I explained exactly what I was thinking in one of the most confident actions of my recent life. It was powerful. After that call I pulled down an imaginary ceiling and roared. I literally roared.

Sounds strange huh! But the reason this stupidly small moment had meaning was because I could see the darkness and yet something had changed. It's not a miracle, I haven't found God. I have worked hard to get to this point and I would give up any success I've ever had (except my wife) not to have to feel this way at all. I won't feed the dragon by talking about those negative feelings, but that infinitesimal change is proof to my mind that it is changing for the better. As Sam Cooke once sang, "A change is gonna come."

A big thanks to my friend C whose dulcet tones are a pleasure to listen to.

I'll leave you with this to work with. Lately when I've encountered difficulty I've used this simple tool. I take three good breaths and then say to myself 'I will get through this'. It is one of many tools I use, but when you lose your shit you need the simplest one to get you through that moment and survive to get better. Please don't forget that you can feel better.

Are you ok?

Tom

Progession

There are many positives to come out of my depression for which I am extremely grateful for. From the help from friends to the talks with those in the same boat. Accepting I have a problem has opened up the huge opportunity to enact a change in my brain and for that I am thankful to the Gremlins in my head.

Friends from all over have been supportive and kind since I first blogged about my depression. There are specifically a handful of people that have surpassed all the rest and those people I will thank in person when I see them. They contacted me every week to check in and see how I was and that helped more than I can put into words. Old friendships have renewed and with their practical help I’ve been able to add to the tools I use to combat my negativity and change my brain for the better, so thank you to you guys too. 

Over the weeks I have spoken to friends that suffer with depression and I’ve had some great conversations. Most of the time it is just refreshing to talk to a friend that understands what you are feeling, someone that doesn’t judge you and doesn't need to ask questions. They just get it and often that is more restorative than any other therapy. As much as opening up and talking is useful I have spoken lately of “right talk” where you talk to the right people (safe people) about the right things. This means not having to explain what you are going through to every Tom, Dick and Harry, but telling the people that matter (or that you feel safe with) how you really are. It also means not revelling in those feelings, but using that opportunity to talk to move forwards.

Since I decided to do something about my brain I have progressed by researching different methods from Meditation to CBT. I have armed myself with an arsenal of tools with which to combat the negative self talk, feelings of sadness and hopelessness. It is a daily practice for me to concentrate on, which at times can be tiring, but ultimately keeps me in a calm, contented balance. There is no magic bullet, I may have an episode like a few months ago again. But I can change my brain, the way I think and how I react to situations in life. 

Like any change it takes dedication and consistency, it is hard work to change habits that you have formed over years. So if you are in a similar boat then prepare yourself to knuckle down, concentrate and get your shit sorted. It will require that you remove yourself from negative relationships, abandon activities and focus on creating a balance your life. But you can enact a change in the way you think, your beliefs and your thinking errors. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help and do your research, treat it as an experiment with one tool at a time. You may want to start writing down a journal so that you can keep track of these feelings and what you are trying out. If it helps you can always write me an email and ask anything you want. 

I saw the psychologist yesterday and was able to tell her that I survived my 55 hour work week on the deck project and had even used some of the tools to get me out of a funk. This was after 8 sessions of therapy, 8 weeks of meditation and numerous hours of talking. Let me put it this way, I have only just begun to improve. I am hyper aware of my mind now and so I can catch myself before I fall, but like I said before I have to do this everyday. I still have a long way to go to get to where I think I should be, but I am confident of this much, I can change myself. So can you if you want to.

Are you ok?

Finding motivation

Motivation is one of those words that I love to hate. As a PT you hear it more frequently than you care to. It's something that people are "searching for" or just not "finding" as though it was a small piece of paper that they remember once having "somewhere".

Motivation is of course a funny thing. Everybody's is different, some may be more important than others, but for all of us it wanes at some point or another. For me this happened with running in 2014  and again this year. Fortunately that lack of motivation and my mental health actually spurred me into action. I started my meditation program, got back into strength training in the gym and started to feel a lot better and subsequently more motivated.

You can't just dream up motivation, something has to prompt you in a big way to stay focussed and active. Most of the time this is an event that occurs such as a breakdown or health issue (in the extreme), or will occur in the future (think summer body, wedding, death). Getting deep down to what motivates you and finding what you enjoy most at that moment in time is part of the key to success.

These last couple of weeks I have been motivated by the result of all the small things I have done. It has boiled down to this, to be calm and enjoy life I have to train and eat well. How much do I want this? Well I look at it this way, I don't want to feel as low as I have done this year again. I don't want to feel as though I have nothing to give and not want to live life. That is my motivation. When I don't feel like training I have that thought to go to. When "bad" food is on offer I have bad memories to remind me why I have to be consistent. It is a shame that it takes something like this to motivate me, but I guess I am grateful for it. I actually feel like I am starting to enjoy life again because I have reset myself and am taking consistent small steps.

After a recent DEXA body composition scan I now have some starting figures to work with. I am retesting in 6 weeks and again in 12 to see what my training is doing. My motivation isn't to lose body fat, but it helps to have some concrete evidence as to how I am progressing. So in 6 weeks I will  have some graphs to compare how training is going. Unfortunately I can't do that for my brain health, so I'll just have to update you each week with how it's going. Next week is my first decking project with a couple of friends, so I'll also have some carpentry porn to share with you!

Are you ok?

Tom