Keeping regular

Strangely this post is not about the current state of my colon as much as the title might lead you to believe. Rather it is about maintaining my consistency with the things that matter.

I have never been one for making New Year resolutions mainly because I am crap at sticking to them.  But when I have a passion that I care about I can usually see it through to a conclusion. With this in mind I made myself a promise at the weekend to scribble everyday. As you know I love to write and I have been an irregular blogger for a few years, in that time I have used my blog as a way to vent my feelings and write a conversation on my depression. But like so many things in my life I have not been consistent when it mattered, the results were erratic at best and I never really progressed with tackling my issues. Since I have started down the road to "calmness" I have seen the benefits of regular meditation and weight lifting on my mind. Now my goal is to write everyday, not just to help my head, but because I love to write and want to get better at it. Fortunately even when I write shit lines it helps to clear my brain and bring some great ideas to the forefront.

Having said that as I write this I have been watching a great film and it has sidetracked me somewhat from my goal! The film in question was Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, a veritable classic starring The Rock, Michael Caine and Luis Guzman amongst others, (hopefully you picked up the sarcasm there!) The reason I put the film on was to have some background noise on whilst I tapped out a few lines of this post. But instead I ended up watching the whole thing and being distracted from what I wanted to say. As a result it allowed my head a little rest from itself just watching crap (but good) TV and I relaxed. Sounds absurd to say this but sometimes I forget how to relax, my thinking can be that all consuming and draining that I don't know how to just switch off, sad really. But this well timed break meant that I not only wrote what I wanted above, but also found another way to switch the head off. In the battle against the Black Dog it's all about finding the tricks that work and using them one after the other.

Following on from this thought process (hang on Tom, stop thinking!) I wanted to bring up a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently. We both agreed that our generation (80's kid) has too much time to think. We have it so good because of our parents working hard and setting us up, modern technology making things easier and a thousand opportunities open for us to do whatever we want. But we are still unhappy, still we want something bigger, to be someone or do something important. Now I know this is a topic that can go on forever and I merely raise it to highlight my own flaws in regards to overthinking. But if we take stock and look at what we have rather than what we don't, try to live in the present moment and live a much simpler existence then contentment will follow. Not happiness, but contentment. Calmness will follow that.

Perhaps you don't want those last two things, that's fine. Perhaps you want happiness. I mean that is a cool goal. But happiness is just a feeling, it comes and goes and we can never hold onto it forever. We just have to enjoy it when it is there, much like we have to be present when we experience sadness or grief. Denying it only makes things worse, but allowing it means you can learn and move on. For me striving to be something great is the root of my depression and anxiety. Fuck. That is some serious realisation there. Truthfully the pain I cause myself from trying to be perfect is why I am writing this and what I need to do most often is not take myself and life so seriously and just enjoy the moment. That is not to say that we shouldn't aim for goals and work towards them. But is it really worth making yourself ill over? Is it worth the heartache, the decline into a different personality and the dark side of a depressive mind? No. That right there is why I meditate, lift weights and write. These simple things help me to realise that none of what we do really matters, we are insignificant. Nobody will care about us when we are dust (aside from family), we are not that amazing. Once you realise that you can let go of all the bullshit and just get on with being. Being your real self. Being chill. Being a human.

Anyway enough deep stuff. Don't think too hard on any of this, but feel free to check out this meditation book I use this Christmas. It is one of the best things I ever did.

Merry christmas to one all.

Tom

Clarity?

On my walk home from the chiropractor last night I had 30 minutes of the strangest feeling. Normally I don't get a full "episode", but rather snippets of the feature film. But for that 30 minute walk I had a calm like no other, a contentment and peace in myself that was unbroken by my mind. I was neither happy nor sad, but rather I was just being. I felt relaxed (possibly from chiro), but it was the sort of relaxed you feel when you are too tired to fight anymore, when your mind and body just chill the fuck out. Perhaps that was all it was, just fatigue from working long hours, being in the sun on a hot tin roof and having consumed four coffees (not all at once!) Whatever the cause was I don't care. If I knew the combination code that elicited that safe of feeling to be opened then I'd do anything to get it again. It was an amazing experience.

But that is just part of a bigger feeling I've had recently. For all my posts about falling off the wagon I have been making progress. I need to write that as much to tell myself as you, but I'm crawling forwards. Some days it's like dragging myself through treacle, with a head that won't compute the simplest tasks and feeling like I've been tranquillised. But little by little I have better days when work makes sense, I don't forget shit and I'm a positive person to be around. But it takes time I will tell you that for free. I am realising now how little I knew myself before and how different I am slowly becoming. It's not an outward change because I don't give a damn about that, rather it's inside that is changing and that's the juicy bit, quite literally. Somebody once said that I don't need to change, that I am great the way I am. But I am only great to those outside of my head, for all the people I meet will always get the friendly and supportive Tom. But that is not what I am trying to change. It's the evil shit inside that nobody sees that I'm working on.

On a different note I had a chat with a friend about positive motivational quotes the other day. I was annoyed by the emptiness of the words that are bandied about on Facebook posts everyday. I don't know why this gets my goat so much, after all these people are only trying to be positive. That is certainly better than the negativity everywhere. But perhaps it is because people don't really think about what they are saying or that the words have no real meaning. It could be because the words are empty when you don't act on them, learn from them. As I've said before you can't just talk a good game, you have to work at it every damn day.mI do my meditation regularly now and have started a regular stretch programme with Catherine. The gym is irregular but I'm not killing myself over it, when I stop doing physical 50 hour weeks then I'll get back into it! The key for me is to take action consistently if I want to see a change and not just moan about things or write about them.

I don't remember if there was a purpose to this post other than speaking of my "calm" experience. But if there's a point to make I guess it is this, don't give up. If you want change then act. Stop fucking complaining about shit and talking it over, thinking about it and throwing up barriers to your success, JUST DO IT. Yes for some things you'll need a plan, but you know what for most stuff you don't, just act. Learn from your mistakes because planning will only take you so far and won't prevent bad stuff happening. In fact you'll learn more if you experience the bad stuff, just look at me as a case in point, without Depression I wouldn't be making changes to myself in order to improve my life.

Mull on that for a bit, but make sure you act on it.

Tom

Brain shitt

After a great absence from writing this blog and writing in general I am back! We returned to Sydney a few weeks ago from a great trip back to England and our fantastic honeymoon in Thailand. Our feet haven’t touched the ground since we got back, but as I have an early finish I am able to tap this post out to you.

Being away was great. I don’t care who you are or where you live, when you go on holiday you disconnect from your life. You trade in the routine of waking up early for work, the commuting and the taxing of your grey matter for simple pleasures. You lie in. You spend time with people that matter. Above all you do what the hell you like because you can. This is always nice when you are on holiday because we all need to relax and kick back. But when you return to normality it can be a bit of a shock after suspending the routine for a few weeks. 

I’m glad to say that didn’t happen for me (at least not right away), I loved coming back to our place near the beach and going for a swim (read 5 minute paddle) after work. That was all very nice thank you. However my brain had not forgotten me so easily. It had been well behaved for 5 weeks of holiday and had been fairly reasonable on our return, but it decided to give me a little wake up call at the weekend.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack or felt my depression for quite some time. Before we left on our trip I had been pretty consistent with meditating and lifting weights at the gym. Even whilst we were away I continued to work at both in order to maintain a calm balance. However the gym slipped a little in the first two weeks of our return and meditating was non-existent. Why does this matter? Well I think these two key areas have kept me much calmer and more balanced, so to cut them out after succeeding with both is like going cold turkey and hoping for the best.

As I mentioned earlier my old damn brain (or O.D.B for short ;-)) decided to right royally fudge me over on Saturday. Seemingly from nowhere I fell into a dark hole. I don’t really know what triggered it, but I think it was probably a build up of brain shit from post holiday. There are some long term issues that continue to pop up and ‘eff” me over. The severity of it all was scary. I took a walk to clear my head with a couple of cold beers (always good for mental illness alcohol ;)) and ended up on the cliffs overlooking Coogee, a great view at night. For me the sea (or ocean to you Aussies) has been my “happy place” for many years, it just chills me out and makes me see some reason. Anyway I didn’t look at the pretty view of Coogee, but instead stared into the dark night at the waves crashing onto the rocks below me. I felt like shit and I thought some pretty grim things. The worst thing was that my mind was creating it all and I actually told myself that I’d never be free of it and that scared me. Despite that part of my brain trying to do me in I had a good chat to the sea that night, and walked away to face reality and talk to Catherine. That was my wake up call.

Real talk is great. It is like a colonic irrigation for your brain. Except the colon isn't involved. Nor water. Or ya bum. But the cleansing bit, it’s like that. Dodgy references aside, it’s good to talk. It is fecking hard to do most of the time, but it helps in the long term. The only trouble is after you are done. Much like someone feeding themselves crap after a colonic irrigation, you have to stop your mind feeding on the negative stuff. That’s where all that meditation and weight training helps. It’s where the implementation of a new way of thinking and acting is needed, in order to overcome the twenty years of negative self destruction. It’s a constant work in progress.

I knew it would never be easy to change myself and I understood it would be a long journey, but that doesn't stop you feeling the low times and wanting to tell the world to stick it. I suppose the re-assuring thing now that I have returned to “normal” is that it is a learning experience. I was reminded this by a friend over the weekend and I am holding onto that in order to build from it. Daily meditation started again this morning and I blitzed the gym last week, so I have that in hand once more. The next step is to develop positive thought patterns and just do it.

For now that is enough babble. I hope you are all well wherever you are.

Are you ok?

Tom 

Being present

I'm back home in England and I've had a great time so far. I'm enjoying spending time with my family and am the most content I've been in a long time. I actually felt much better before leaving Sydney for our trip, but now that I have had time to think about it my mind is calm and clear. Naturally holiday will let you relax and be away from worry, but a lot of things changed in my mind whilst I was still at home (in Sydney), so I knew this break would only enhance that.

In my last post I said I would have something interesting to write about. I think I was reflecting on the change that I had noticed in myself and wanted to explain about it in a little detail. Many changes have taken place in me over the last few months and it is really the culmination of different techniques that have led to who I am now. A lot of people say that you can't change who you are, specifically how your mind operates. But I am happy to disagree with that notion, I am a small amount of proof that with consistent hard work it can be done.

When I had my little head implosion a few months ago I felt tired of life and lacking in energy for anything. I had reached a point where I was over it, but not in a suicidal way. I had a lot of anger locked up inside at myself and for the first time I realised that I had to do something about it. I did two things at this point, I found a fantastic book about mindfulness meditation and asked for help from a doctor. 

The first of these helped me right away as I committed to following the meditation programme and had something to achieve each day. It also began to calm my mind in the three weeks it took to get in for my first psychologist appointment. I am still working towards a daily meditation practice, but I practice more frequently than I ever did before and am more present because of it. When I don't meditate I know about it after a few days, so I keep it going enough to manage my mind. The best thing about the practice has been learning acceptance. Acceptance of my strengths and weaknesses, other people and life in general. This last point could have its own post it's such a huge thing.

When the psychologist referral began I was actually looking forward to it. Despite not being able to open up to family and friends in the past I saw this as an opportunity to offload and actually discover what caused my depression and anxiety. It was a chance to see why I am the way I am. Through my 8 sessions over the last few months I have learnt about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other tools to help me deal with my brain and change the way it works. I am now able to counteract the negative talk that I experience and have begun work on creating new positive pathways to help me progress in life. I'm still trying to overcome twenty plus years of bad habits but it's a step in the right direction.

The next stage in my evolution was ditching running and getting back to the gym and lifting weights. As much as I had enjoyed running it was no longer helpful to me. I had too much time to ruminate whilst training and ultimately didn't see the point of doing it for a challenge anymore. Instead I went back to lifting to experience another form of meditation where I couldn't think about anything else other than breathing and technique. It has been great to do something that is hard work, but for enjoyment first and achievement second. I think we have forgotten that in our lives and too often push to compete at everything we do. Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flipping roses! 

Looking forwards I am concentrating on keeping the consistency I've developed with meditation and the gym. I have to focus more energy on CBT and build my confidence and satisfaction with what I do in my life. That will require a lot of hard work to overcome those old habits and thought processes, but it is a necessity I welcome with open arms. Thinking about how low I've felt over the years is all the motivation I need to live a calmer, content life. That's the ultimate goal and in the last couple of weeks I've realised that it's possible if I let it be. Nobody else will make it happen, but me. Accepting that is the first step in real change.

Are you ok?

Tom

Questions of the mind

At the weekend I caught up with my friend Andrew and as usual we got into a great discussion about life. Our conversation is normally based around realism and truth, but to anyone listening in we probably sound like two grumpy old men. I don’t dispute this. We are two grumpy old men, but at least we are happy to embrace it and not fake being happy and excited when we are not.

This weekend our conversation focused around my last blog post in which I wrote about an anxiety episode from that week. The burning question from the episode was “what are you doing with your life?” So Andrew and I talked that through at length, reducing my anxiety about those thoughts and leaving me feeling calm and content.

In short there is no answer to that question or any that your brain conjures in regards to your life aspirations, because it comes from a place of negativity. It is not a thought that can be reasoned with because it has no answer that will satiate it. I am still working on where and when that thought process began, but so far I have gone back over 20 years and can remember times when I experienced it. As a slight deviation from topic I find that last sentence hilarious because I can’t remember positive experiences nearly as well or what I did at the weekend for fun. But I can vividly picture a moment I punched my bedroom cupboard in anger at myself 15 years ago! Interesting…

Regardless of the memory defect I am confident that I have had this voice in my head for many, many years. Despite the worry it gives me it also has driven me to do things that I may not have thought I could do. From training to become a fitness trainer to running a marathon it has pushed me (along with my sheer stubbornness) to achieve a great deal. The trouble arises when you realise that nothing you do will satisfy yourself. Friends and family will applaud your achievements, but the perfectionist inside you spits on your results and demands better. The sad thing is that you could be the best in the world at something and it would never satisfy you.

So this question of “what are you doing with your life?” is both useful and unhelpful depending on my reaction to it. I have learnt through my therapy sessions to take a step back and observe my mind as an outsider. With this technique I can ask whether a thought is helpful, if I should act on it or tell my mind ‘thanks, but not today’. It certainly has come in handy this week when I made a mistake on a piece of work. Where normally I would’ve tortured myself with negative thoughts I was able to stop them at the first and actually say ‘thank you brain, but that is not helpful right now’. I then set about correcting my mistake, which was painful because I want everything to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect, you can’t always be happy when shit happens, so you just have to deal with it. JUST DO IT. So that’s what I did and although the finished product wasn’t going to meet my high standards it was good enough for the job required. If I was making a teak cabinet I wouldn’t think this way, but making something out of rough treated pine is a little different!

My thoughts since the weekend have been good. I have not been crazy high or depressively low, I have felt contentment and calm. It may be because I have been working all week and have done three lifting sessions at the gym. Finding the balance for my life has been the aim of late and it is a trickier equation than you might think. There are a lot of elements to consider and it takes consistent hard work. I won’t lie, I find it tough at times to keep going. The question still pops up and it will be there for a while until I create a new though process to replace it. 

Fortunately I have taken a great deal from the mindfulness meditation practice that I have been using over the last 2-3 months. I am able to focus more on the here and now and enjoy what I am doing rather than worry about what I will do in the future. I still have goals to achieve, such as completing my Australian carpentry qualification before the end of the year. I am also working on a new book about Depression, which I think will help me as well as others. So in summary I have no answer to any big questions, but I am ok with that. I will strive to do something important with my life, but I am now better equipped to manage my mind and ensure that it doesn’t drive me into a hole. 

Catherine and I will soon be heading back to England for the end of October, so I hope to have more to share when I am on holiday. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are in the world, just remember you will be OK. 

Are you ok?

Fear

Yesterday was a sunny 30 degree day in Sydney. Of course it wouldn’t be complete without some fear added to the mix, which my brain supplied readily. As I often tell people Depression is not necessarily about your situation, in fact I’d dare to suggest it has nothing to do with it. It is more to do with the thought processes, the chemical soup in the brain and the physical feelings the sufferer goes through. If it were as simple as looking outside thinking “oh it’s a beautiful day!” and actually carrying that feeling through the day then I would be a much happier man. That is the dream, that one day I can bring my mindfulness to a level where I am consistently content. 

Anyhow I am getting off track here. I think the reason for this post was to show what my mind went through yesterday, to give another example of what a rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings each day is. This is not a “Woe is me” post, I don’t do that and frankly don’t have time for whingers. It is just to show you the process I go through, because when I write it down it helps me to identify where I can improve.

I started work yesterday at 730am. Before leaving the house I had eaten a huge breakfast as part of my new diet (eating more), I was feeling positive. My task for the day was to drop business cards at homes across Double Bay for Steve. It is a lovely area to walk around and not a hardship to walk the streets looking at all the incredible homes. Before setting out I did my daily meditation practice. I did a lot of walking and covered many homes through the morning, finishing up at Double Bay ferry terminal in time for lunch. I took my lunch to the small beach there and sat down to eat and watch the boats bob up and down as the waves came in with a good wind. I sat there and felt really good, I was being mindful of everything around me and it was as though I’d never suffered with depression. 

My mind went clear as I ate my lunch and that’s when the chatter began. “What are you doing? What are you doing with your life?” This is just one of many recordings I have listened to for years. It can be useful for pushing me to do new things, but it has in honesty left me an inconsistent fool. I’ve started so many things, but left them to wither because I’ve always felt I should be doing something else, something bigger. The curse of a free modern mind is that lots of us feel we have to do something significant, we just don’t know what. From this thought process I end with the answer “What is the point? What am I here for?” These are self defeating, will never have answers and actually push me well into the darkest places. They are the reason I have thought of suicide in the past. Perhaps I am simplifying it a little as there is more negativity than what I wrote, but I won’t put that here. Let’s just say that it is a relentless circle, which until now I have struggled to remove myself from.

However now is a different story. This is where it gets interesting. Since starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meditation I have started to see the above situation rationally. I have been given some excellent tools to deal with the thoughts and create new ones (more about that later). The above was an intense feeling and I think it has gotten worse in some respects, almost as though my brain is fighting the changes I am trying to implement. But yesterday I was able to just go “Stop.” I picked up my book and read a chapter to focus my mind on something else. I then walked to a coffee shop, bought a coffee and wrote about what I’d felt. By doing that I was able to think ‘this isn’t helpful’ and then move on with my day. 

From there I went to the gym for session one of lifting. I was able to use the feelings of anxiety and anger that I had to great effect on those inanimate objects, once I left I felt much calmer. Conveniently I had a fortnightly psychologist session straight after, so I was able to recant my day’s travails. It just happened that she had some new tools for me to try when my negative thought processes kick in. I have them with me now as a kind of first aid pack to reach for when shit gets real. At the end of the day you just have to arm yourself with as many weapons as possible to beat the brain into submission and create new thoughts.

Creating new thoughts was what I spoke with my Therapist about yesterday. Once I am able to neutralise the negativity I have to create new thoughts and repeat them in order to change the physiology of my brain and ensure it uses the good, helpful thoughts rather than the negative stuff. Simple really! Like I have said before it takes practice and consistency to ensure a change takes place, you can’t dabble in this stuff and get good results. Fortunately I have an excellent audio track from my friend Cj, which I am using to enforce the positive message I need in the next steps. If you are interested you should check it out (you don’t need to be depressed to benefit ;)):

http://www.cjmswaby.com/audio-downloads.html 

Well that is about it from me for now. I will endeavour to update you with my progress when I’ve smashed a few head demons.

Are you ok?

R U OK?

As it is R U OK? day in Australia and Suicide Prevention Day around the World I thought I should write a little post. It's a positive one, so do not fear!

Today is another good day for me. After a series of frankly shit days I was reminded what I HAVE to do, what commitment and consistency is needed from me in order to improve. When I meditate everyday and get into the gym to train then nothing else matters, I can master my mind. Obviously challenges have come up in the last few days, mistakes have been made, but my reaction to these has been the sign that what I am doing is working. My reaction has been completely different from a few days ago, the voice in my head is quiet and if it is present it is a forgiving and realistic one.

Over the last week I have had so much support from friends and family that it has blown my mind. From the calls and messages with Nick to a FaceTime with Mike and Laura. From the messages with my Mum to the many private messages from friends all over the World. It has all helped to give me the energy that I have been lacking, the energy to carry on with life that I couldn't provide myself. Now I am not saying I was suicidal this week, but having that support made a difference. It hasn't had that effect before and do you know why? It is because until this year I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. Yes I have had conversations with Catherine and family members, but I've never truly opened up and to a large extent I still haven't reached that point. But when I decided to write about my experience it was the beginning of that journey. It made talking to friends and family about what I was feeling a whole lot easier. It even meant that I could be open with complete strangers because once you've written a blog about depression and posted it on Facebook there really is nowhere to hide.

In the past when someone asked me if I was ok my standard response would be "yeah great thanks". Even if I was feeling low I'd always have energy for other people, it was part of my job at the time, so I had to be strong, happy and energetic. When you are faking it though that is the most tiring thing in the World. You want to just say "actually I feel like shit, I'm really tired and I could do with a week of sleep", but you think that people would think less of you so you don't. If I had been honest with myself and opened up then I probably would've avoided the numerous occasions when I contemplated suicide. But that would've required me to be open from before I was ten and at that stage I didn't know as much as I do now! I now know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you though, because being honest with yourself is the only path you should choose. Otherwise you will always be trapped.

A lot of my mental issues come from way, way back and I have only just begun to touch on them with proper help. But like when you need to lose weight, get fitter or just learn something new it takes time and a lot of steps and stages before you get somewhere. The beauty of R U OK? day is that the simplest genuine enquiry into how someone is feeling could make a profound difference in their lives. It could literally bring them back from the black hole they were about to fall down. Perhaps not immediately like some kind of Superman moment, but as a ripple spreading out through their life. So even though R U OK? day is over I will be continuing to ask it whenever I can, please do the same in your lives.

As I progress and get closer to the time when I will head home to England for a very important wedding, I feel clearer about my next steps. I am working on a new book (the black comedy is on hold as it's a bit too black), which will hopefully help myself and others. I know that a million books have been written before about Depression, but I wanted to write something that is lighthearted and practical for both sufferers and their friends and family. At the moment I am working on the structure and asking any of my friends that have suffered with Depression or had a family member go through it to help me out. If you want to offer your experience then I'd be most grateful as I would like to include a few different perspectives. I think that a multifaceted approach to Depression is the only way to combat it and that requires support from friends, treatment from professionals, self help, exercise and nutrition.

For now I'll leave it at that because I still have my meditation to do before bed. Until next time.

R U OK?