Taking action and creating habits

Last week was an interesting one for the old head, but it all came good in the end thanks to the input or a certain Mr A (not me, someone else who's identity I must protect). I've spoke in my past blogs about taking action rather than just writing about it, planning it and thinking it over. All the last three things I am guilty of, but after a stern word by my good friend I did take some action on Friday evening. Not only did it feel exciting (take note of the Parental Bloody Advisory post to understand why this is important), but it kick started a weekend of actions that have created positive results.

I won't waffle on too much about the details here because the time for thinking it over and talking about it is gone. The time for just getting on with taking steps is here and as daunting as that may be it's a necessary step both for me and anyone that is saying "I can't.....". There are many things that may or may not hold us back in the pursuit of our goals, but they are in our minds until we are actually facing them. We shouldn't be the thing standing in our own way. It is hard to tell yourself this and that is why a true friend like Mr. A is vital to any team. If he hadn't taken me to the driving range on Friday to help me get my frustrations out and have a laugh then I would have started the weekend in a funk. If he hadn't told me to stop saying "I can't...." then I wouldn't have taken steps to help myself. Time to check your team.

This weekend I have done a little reading, though not much because of all the action I've been taking ;-) I have been reading a free e-book by James Clear on creating new habits. It's worth a look as there are some very practical tools in there for creating habits. After running ten miles this morning I am using these tools to continue that training and taking action. In terms of depression this action taking is vital because it counteracts the negative loop of thinking that routinely takes place inside my head. Whether it is me doubting myself or just the feelings associated with depression, action shows my brain that I can overcome these challenges. Through consistent action and results (success or failure) I can at least take my mind off the negative thinking for a moment or two.

There are times when I write to vent, but this is not one of those times. For once I am happy and excited about the coming days because I have been "doing" rather than thinking. It may seem a challenge at times but forgetting the thinking and just jumping into action will surprise you. So JUST DO IT.

Tom :)

Working on my paperclips

It's going to take me some time to fill that bad boy on the right

The day after the storm and as is usual nowadays I am once again determined to do something about this head of mine. As much as I love roller coasters this one is a bitch. However I am glad that at least I've snapped back quicker than before. Clearly all this writing and meditating is making me aware of what I can actually take action on, i.e. everything.

Now I may be a grumpy man, but it does cheer me when one of my best friends sends me a message with a helpful article. (This is not meant to sound sarcastic, but as I am a sarcastic bastard it may do.) The article in particular is this one by James Clear and it was just what I needed when I woke up at 5:45am this morning. Having woken a little groggy I turned my SleepCycle alarm off (check that out, it's awesome) and saw I had a message from my friend KT. In it she offered the article above thinking that I had written it (if only!), probably based on my chameleon like habit of changing names on social media. The article is great for explaining a little about anxiety, but it was the Paper Clip strategy that he mentions which has really helped this morning. Essentially it boils down to this. Take two jars and fill one with paper clips. Each time you take action on a task you want to be consistent with you move a paperclip to the empty jar. For example each time I write something I will move a paperclip across. For you it could be each time you take some exercise, meditate or any task you want to be consistent with. It's a visual strategy aimed at tracking your progress and reminding you in the most simple way. My jars are now by the kettle because as every Brit knows an Englishman loves his tea!

I'll keep you posted with my progress, but let me remind you that for every trip and stumble there is someone wanting to lend you a hand. For every shit day that you want to tell the world to get fucked, there is something better around the corner. But for now lets focus on the immediate and take action on what we can change, not what might or might not happen in the future.

Tom

Parental Bloody Advisory

Parental Advisory (you’ve been warned!)

Sometimes life calls for carbs

 I have been writing all this week about my thoughts and feelings through each day. It’s a practice of awareness, which is meant to help me spot triggers and trends when it comes to negative thinking and prevent a downward spiral before it occurs. It certainly helps because it is easy to “wallow” in a negative loop. It is easier than fighting against it with rational thought. A lot of people say this is where you need to be positive and look on the bright side. That’s all very well, but if you think depression is that easy than you really have no idea. In fact forget depression, if you were in a bad mood and someone said “cheer up mate, look at all the good things you have in your life”, do you think it would help? Do you think you’d miraculously feel better? I digress, my message is that writing a simple few lines or words on thoughts and feelings helps, so give it a go.

So let me be honest with you about my thoughts and feelings this week. In fact I have been dealing with this for a long time now, not just the last seven days. I have an overriding lack of excitement in life and this pervades everything. Alongside that I think “will I ever feel in the way I used to”. This sounds nuts as I write it. But I’ve thought and written more crazy shit in my life, so this is nothing new. In all honesty I’ve been thinking like this since I was a teenager (fucking hormones) and in some ways it just becomes tiring. Now I am an aware motherfucker, I can see the positive and amazing things in my life. I have a fantastic wife, I enjoy work, I live near the beach in a warm climate, life by all accounts is perfect. So why have the last two years been my worst for depression since I was a teenager? For me there has always been more to life than what most people are content with and this has led me down a rocky road. I am dealing with it by going back to basics. I’m doing all the small things I can that give me joy and working on being mindful and present each day. It’s not that I can’t experience happiness because I do; I laugh and smile like normal people, just not as often.

I was chatting with two of my oldest and dearest friends the other day, both of whom have serious health problems of their own. It was a brief catch up, just to check in on each other really. But after it I felt old, old in the sense that we all had health problems beyond our years. We have all used and abused our bodies and in some way it is catching up with us. I felt worry for two awesome, talented people, but it reminded me to keep in touch with those I love. Life is as long as a piece of string, we just don’t know which end of the ball we are given.

Fuck I don’t really know where this post was going, it certainly isn’t a helpful one for others. But it helps me and that is the only reason I keep writing this thing.

I will be taking myself off now to meditate and then read a little in order to stabilise this brain of mine. Keep watching MrStevensWrites for more positive, action taking posts than this.

Keep on keeping on wherever you are.

Tom

Brain changer

I have been reading a book given to me by a friend called The Brain that Changes Itself. That's the book's name not hers. It's a fascinating read about the ability of the brain to heal itself. Or rather use other areas of the brain when areas are damaged. The book details the science behind this neuroplasticity and shows how it's being used to treat conditions from schizophrenia to stroke paralysis.

I'm not that far through this book because as always I have gone from reading one to three again. But give me a few days and I will have devoured it ;) The beauty of reading something like this is that it shows how much the brain is open to change, to adapting to damage and improving when no damage exists. It shows that our only limitation is ourselves and the constraints that conventional "wisdom" and education heap on us. If you have enough desire to learn to overcome a problem or educate yourself then the resources are out there, it just takes consistent action. A great deal of consistent action I might add!

Relating to depression this book (dare I say it) gives hope to those that have tried many things and to those that have tried none, but weathered the storm in their heads. In my view it gives people the insight that there are tools out there to be used to help overcome what they are going through. This is a contentious issue because I know that for those suffering with severe depression or anxiety they will feel that it is incurable. This is where I dare to tread the tightrope of the mental health fence. I swing (not sexually) from holding a strong belief/thought pattern that depression is incurable, to seeing more and more how much can be overcome through science, education and action.

There is a lethargy with depression that often holds people back from action. I know this because I feel it regularly and have spoken with depressive friends that feel the same. It is like trudging through treacle, it is an effort to think and focus on tasks at times and you just have to give up on trying until you are released. It is mentally and physically draining at times and you have to prioritise things like work at the cost of anything else. Then I have days when I feel I could conquer the fucking world, nothing can stop me. That lasts for a day and then I have a right royal come down and lose all excitement for life. BUT, when I am in that good space of neither up nor down I know that I can work through nicely. I am calm and contented, I know I can change my brain and that gives me hope (bugger I used that word twice!)

So if you are suffering with any illness or just want to change yourself then know this, it can be done. Yes it takes a great deal of effort, but as my Dad always says "there is no such thing as a free lunch". You just have to have the desire to change and a great deal of support from friends and family to get there. Like I said in my last post, you can sail the Atlantic solo, but it's a great deal easier and safer if you do it with a team. Time to get your team right and your focus on the end game.

Keep posted on MrStevensWrites for tools to help you through this change.

Tom :)

Friends

The importance of friendship for someone with depression cannot be underestimated. I have realised this a little more in the last week and it has shown itself as a valuable tool to dealing with this illness.

I am pretty shit at talking to anyone when I am in a bad place, despite it appearing that I am open to all and sundry by writing this blog. When I am going through a bad patch I won't talk to anyone, but will happily keep it to myself and attempt to deal with it on my own. This is akin to sailing the Atlantic solo, it is doable, but you have a much higher chance of drowning than if you did it with a team. The trouble is that after years of dealing with it alone I don't want to give up that control or feel that I am giving in to it. These are ridiculous reasons, but this mind is ridiculous.

This week I have caught up with a lot of friends. It has been great for taking my mind away for an evening. It doesn't rid me of my problems, but it allows me breathing space and naturally I feel better when I am laughing with friends. There are times when I might be able to share a little about my recent thoughts or feelings too and this "venting" lets a little pressure off. It sometimes has the benefit of helping me to rationalise unhelpful thinking patterns that I can't normally do on my own. The funny thing is it takes a lot of effort to see friends. Not because they are difficult, but because all I ever want to do is nothing. My resting state is much like a sloth's and for me to really recharge my batteries I need to not talk to anyone, read a little, write a little and just be in a quiet place. So when arranging things with friends I find it difficult because my immediate response will always be "no". Yes I do care about friends and I do want to be there for them too, but there are times when just existing is hard work and I have to escape to a book or writing. The other thing is that friends are really good at asking how you are doing. That's lovely, it's really considerate. But my approach to this question now is not to lie, so if I am in a bad spot then I answer with "meh" or some other indescribable sound that conveys the message of "I feel like a bear took a poo inside my head", without actually saying that. I don't want to bring other people down or talk about me (except in this blog, in which case darling it's all about me!) and I want to avoid the simple way in which people rationalise it. It can be helpful as I said above, but if I am talking to you about it then I am probably not going through it at that moment, so talking rationally is easier. If I was in the thick of a low then my mind would probably command me to crush you for speaking so sensibly. It's a fucking loopy thing this, a loopy thing.

 Anyway I probably got off course there and can't really remember the point of this post. It may have been to say that I really appreciate my friends for sticking with me when I've been going through my lows. You may not even know what is going on because I don't talk to you about it, but if you ever read this through the magic that is Facebook and my page dedicated to advertising this ranting blog then THANK YOU. You do more than you will ever know by simply sending a message and inviting me for beers, even if I tell you that I can't because I have to wash my hair or have some important project to work on. Like sloths I enjoy doing things at my pace and chilling, if I could get my brain to think the same way then I will have mastered this depression business.

Before I sign off I would ask that you contact five friends or family members that you haven't spoken to in a few weeks. Just message them to say hi and ask how they are doing. Maybe invite them to something social if it's been ages. The power of checking in can never be underestimated. You will remind that person that they are wanted and you never know how powerful that could be.

Tom :)

Familliar mistakes

We all make mistakes over the course of our lives, but those which are most regrettable are the repeated mistakes. These familiar mistakes sneak up on us and before we know it they have happened, leaving us saying those familiar words "next time...".

This is what happened to me this week just gone as I made the too frequent mistake of working too much. "We all do that" I hear you cry and that is something we should all take note of. However too much for me means working the weekends on top of a 40-50 hour week. It means working instead of doing the things I need to do to maintain a balance in my head. This may sound a little pathetic, which is exactly how I have seen it in the past. After all plenty of people work much longer hours, or two jobs. I am not those people, nor should I feel bad about my limitations. As I've got to know depression and understand what triggers it I've realised that my limits are not the same as they used to be, nor are they the same as others. I've accepted that that is ok. Why should I try to push myself beyond my limits at work? Other than earning a bit more money, what does it achieve for me other than feeling mentally exhausted? Who am I trying to impress? There is no purpose served for me to work myself into the ground because I will end up hating what I do or making myself ill. As it is I struggle to find enjoyment and satisfaction in life and working long hours certainly doesn't improve this feeling.

On the plus side I have been making some good progress with my book and I am now putting it together using Apple's iBooks Author. This will enable me to not only publish in Apple's iBooks store, but also as an ePub so that I can spread the love (so to speak) via many formats. Writing this book has certainly helped me to understand what I need to do to help myself. Hopefully as a result the book will help others that experience depression or anxiety.

One of the other things that helps maintain stability is meditation and I've begun the 8 week Mindfulness programme again in order to help myself out. I've shared the book with friends and family alike, so if you haven't read it then give it a go: Mindfulness finding peace in a frantic world

Or if you like an app or two then you should look at Insight Timer, it's a fantastic time for meditation, with free meditations, background noise and an online community which encourages you to meditate more. It's free and an easy intro to meditation: App Store or Play Store

Enough from me until later in the week,

Tom :)

Walk slow

"Hurry up! We are going to miss out on the fun." shrieked the boy to his uncle.
"What is the rush? You won't miss out if we walk rather than run. You might enjoy the walk too."
The boy was running now, "But everybody else will be there before us, they'll have had more fun than me and I'll look stupid for missing out!"
The uncle chuckled and calmly replied "If you are always looking so far ahead of you, you'll never see what is right in front of your nose. On this walk we've passed the playground you enjoy playing at, the ducks you like to feed and the ice cream you love to eat. If you continue to care what others think of you and wait for their praise then you'll continue to be disappointed."
The boy slowed back to a walk, "So I shouldn't go to the party?"
The uncle smiled, "You should do what your heart tells you. Just make some time to walk slower and enjoy what's around you. Before you know it the party will be over, your friends will be gone and you'll be on your own."
The boy's face dropped and his voice cracked, "But you'll be still be here uncle."
"Not forever my boy, not forever."

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Somewhere along the road I forgot how to walk. I missed a lot of what was right in front of me, too busy rushing forwards with the deep seated feeling of déjà vu pushing me onward. Along the way I broke some hearts, perhaps my own at some point. I lost the will to live, lacked a purpose or thought I was better than I was and stopped trying. I looked at others enjoying their lives, seemingly without worry, cruising through life. I know deep down some of them must have struggled, they couldn't all make it look easy. Perhaps I knew I wasn't the only one filled with a head of dreams, confused by what my brain put out, stifled by my own longing to do something of significance. More than once it became too much and it makes me laugh what I mess I was in the years past. Along that trip I lost a lot of feeling. Or rather I lost a large part of my ability to feel. That's part of depression after all, a lack of feeling. Not being excited by new experiences, nor feeling happiness from activities you used to love. Sometimes it means not feeling sadness at something that should make you sad, nor feeling unhappiness at unhappy events. That lacking feeling removes your desire to live, to push on, it sucks the life from everything you know. But then for some you reach a point where nothing matters and in that moment you feel free. You feel you can do anything or nothing, it doesn't matter. The only constraints were in your mind and your mind doesn't give a toss anymore. That's a good point to be at. For some it doesn't end like that, but alone, feeling like the only place to go is death. So I live for them and remember what they gave me. But all that has brought me to here. To writing these inconsequential words and feeling content with this moment in time. It brings me to a walk from a run, to the knowledge that this very moment is all. Nothing else matters because it hasn't happened, perhaps it never will, but that's ok because we are all just along for the ride. We just need to stop rushing to get to the end.

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Tom