Movember begins tomorrow and for the first time I will be growing a suitably tragic moustache to raise money for men's mental health and suicide prevention. As Movember states "three out of four suicides are men" and whilst the reasons for this are often complex there are many practical things we can do to help each other.
Talking about our experiences and sharing tools with each other are two powerful ways to help. Whilst I may be good at talking to people when it comes to the complex workings of my brain I am terrible. That is why I write and so as Movember kicks off tomorrow I thought I'd share a couple of thoughts this week, not for myself but for those friends that didn't make it through their battle with depression.
You can check my team's progress and donate here: My mobro page
Dear Rob,
It has been a little while since I wrote last, but you've been in my mind since the day you left. I recently saw your name again on a fiction novel and thought it impressive that you could find time to write from the other side. I chuckled when I thought that and knew you'd share the laugh if we were together. That is what I remember first of you mate when you come to my mind.
Though our time together as friends was brief I enjoyed every moment, perhaps not when you were talking about killing yourself, that wasn't so enjoyable. But I am glad you did, because for a short period of time you let me help and I am grateful for that. I'm just sorry I wasn't there for you at the end.
I remember all our catchups so vividly, it's like a movie playing over in my head again and again. I am thankful for that because I can still hear your voice, see your smile and replay our games of pool together as though it was this morning. But it was not this morning was it. It was roughly twelve years ago.
When I heard the news from my brother in London I understood why you had decided to end your life. Lord knows I've thought about it often enough and been close enough to that desperation to escape. You had talked to me about how you felt and I listened and for a period of time it helped. But I now realise that I was just one person, too young and inexperienced to truly help. I was a Bandaid for a gunshot wound.
You taught me a lesson that I didn't truly learn until years later, that it takes a huge amount of effort on your own as well as from others to work through depression. It is not a simple exercise of "being positive" or "having a chat" it is far more complex and requires you to discard a large part of who you are and re-learn a healthier way to live. Perhaps if I'd had that knowledge back then I might have been able to help more, but "might have" lives in parallel universe.
Thank you for being my friend and teaching me more than a good game of pool,
Tom
Sunday, 30 October 2016
Friday, 21 October 2016
Taking a holiday
Catherine and I recently returned from a week break on Magnetic Island up in Queensland. It was a fantastic holiday for many reasons, but the main one was that I felt the most relaxed I've been in years.
It is difficult to explain to anyone how you feel inside your head, but last year I literally felt that I had experienced the best of my life. I had struggled with depression for years riding a rollercoaster, from extreme episodes of darkness to peaks of happiness. The brief pauses between each when I rode that flat calm section of track were welcome breaks, but fleeting at best.
Over the last year I have worked at different techniques to calm my mind and better myself. That work has led me to create the book that I will publish at the end of the year (shameless plug!), which contains all the things I have found work well for me. It's no literary masterpiece, but I hope that it will prove to be a useful handbook for anyone going through depression. Perhaps it may even help those not suffering to understand a tiny piece of it and then support their friends or family in that struggle.
Today is a different story to how I felt last year and our holiday away was the time away I needed to show me that. I wasn't overthinking, but just enjoying time relaxing, spending time with Catherine and soaking up the nature on Magnetic Island. It reminded me of all the simple things to marvel at and that sometimes living life means not taking action, or thinking, but just soaking up the environment you are in.
While on "Maggie" I lapsed a little on the meditation practice which I have made a daily focus over the last three months. I was on holiday after all, so I relaxed my regime a little! Since returning to the faster pace of life in Sydney I have resumed normal operations in that regard in order to keep that calm of mind. I am happy to say that my goal over a year ago has been achieved and now I am working on maintaining that achievement. All those months ago I said to myself I wanted to reach a place where my mind was calm and I didn't get caught up in happy or unhappy thoughts and feelings. I can only maintain that through consistent brain work, but it is most definitely worth the effort.
My book whose working title is "Grumpy Man" will be available through iBooks, Kindle and as a PDF at the end of the year. I am sure it will make a useful stocking filler, just be diplomatic as to how you present it!
Are you ok?
Tom :)
It is difficult to explain to anyone how you feel inside your head, but last year I literally felt that I had experienced the best of my life. I had struggled with depression for years riding a rollercoaster, from extreme episodes of darkness to peaks of happiness. The brief pauses between each when I rode that flat calm section of track were welcome breaks, but fleeting at best.
Over the last year I have worked at different techniques to calm my mind and better myself. That work has led me to create the book that I will publish at the end of the year (shameless plug!), which contains all the things I have found work well for me. It's no literary masterpiece, but I hope that it will prove to be a useful handbook for anyone going through depression. Perhaps it may even help those not suffering to understand a tiny piece of it and then support their friends or family in that struggle.
Today is a different story to how I felt last year and our holiday away was the time away I needed to show me that. I wasn't overthinking, but just enjoying time relaxing, spending time with Catherine and soaking up the nature on Magnetic Island. It reminded me of all the simple things to marvel at and that sometimes living life means not taking action, or thinking, but just soaking up the environment you are in.
While on "Maggie" I lapsed a little on the meditation practice which I have made a daily focus over the last three months. I was on holiday after all, so I relaxed my regime a little! Since returning to the faster pace of life in Sydney I have resumed normal operations in that regard in order to keep that calm of mind. I am happy to say that my goal over a year ago has been achieved and now I am working on maintaining that achievement. All those months ago I said to myself I wanted to reach a place where my mind was calm and I didn't get caught up in happy or unhappy thoughts and feelings. I can only maintain that through consistent brain work, but it is most definitely worth the effort.
My book whose working title is "Grumpy Man" will be available through iBooks, Kindle and as a PDF at the end of the year. I am sure it will make a useful stocking filler, just be diplomatic as to how you present it!
Are you ok?
Tom :)
Friday, 30 September 2016
Working yourself out
I have enjoyed a little break from writing online recently as I've focused on the present moment. The most interesting part of this break being that I haven't felt the need to blog to relieve any anxiety or to satiate feelings of depression. Overall I have had the most stable three months I can remember and that is due in a large part to the change I have been creating.
For the last 123 days I read, meditated and wrote every single day. I set an easily achievable target in order to create new healthy habits which would help calm my over-active mind. Some days I wrote a great deal more than my one page goal, other days I struggled to get there. No matter what came up I kept consistent with these three things. Every day added to my tally was another small step in the right direction.
I have no illusions that I can always go backwards towards depression. But the last year has taught me what I need to do in order to maintain balance and keep my head in check. When I started this change I wanted to reach a place where I was calm and content. Now more than ever I feel I'm at that place and all I have to do is maintain what I've begun.
Two weeks ago I took a personality test which identified my strengths and weaknesses. It has helped me to recognise what I can develop in myself and who I work best with . What the report and book revealed about my psychology was fascinating but most of it I already recognised in myself. More revealing though was what I learnt about other personality types, their different views and what drives them. Understanding other people is extremely helpful in carving your own path in life as well as being able to support your friends and family in the right way.
One of the traits of my type "The Campaigner" is a love for self improvement. Reading this in the report made me LOL, probably one of the only times where I can use that abbreviation genuinely. It was as though someone sat me down and explained to me who I was. It felt like I was listening to a mirror image of myself and for one of the few times in my life I felt genuine contentment. If that is difficult to comprehend then you may want to do the test. I can highly recommend the ebook for your specific type. It may seem costly, but it is worth every penny. You also get a 25% discount if you sign up to the newsletter. Visit www.16personalities.com to take the test.
Wherever you are and whatever you are doing I hope this finds you well.
Are you ok?
Tom
For the last 123 days I read, meditated and wrote every single day. I set an easily achievable target in order to create new healthy habits which would help calm my over-active mind. Some days I wrote a great deal more than my one page goal, other days I struggled to get there. No matter what came up I kept consistent with these three things. Every day added to my tally was another small step in the right direction.
I have no illusions that I can always go backwards towards depression. But the last year has taught me what I need to do in order to maintain balance and keep my head in check. When I started this change I wanted to reach a place where I was calm and content. Now more than ever I feel I'm at that place and all I have to do is maintain what I've begun.
Two weeks ago I took a personality test which identified my strengths and weaknesses. It has helped me to recognise what I can develop in myself and who I work best with . What the report and book revealed about my psychology was fascinating but most of it I already recognised in myself. More revealing though was what I learnt about other personality types, their different views and what drives them. Understanding other people is extremely helpful in carving your own path in life as well as being able to support your friends and family in the right way.
One of the traits of my type "The Campaigner" is a love for self improvement. Reading this in the report made me LOL, probably one of the only times where I can use that abbreviation genuinely. It was as though someone sat me down and explained to me who I was. It felt like I was listening to a mirror image of myself and for one of the few times in my life I felt genuine contentment. If that is difficult to comprehend then you may want to do the test. I can highly recommend the ebook for your specific type. It may seem costly, but it is worth every penny. You also get a 25% discount if you sign up to the newsletter. Visit www.16personalities.com to take the test.
Wherever you are and whatever you are doing I hope this finds you well.
Are you ok?
Tom
Wednesday, 17 August 2016
Absence
I haven’t written on here in weeks. I have been writing, but in my
journal, scribbling away a simple page or three each day as a matter of course.
I simply haven’t wanted to write on this platform and rather than just churn
out something meaningless I felt it was better to just keep quiet.
For now I am back. I am returning to the frequency I once had of tapping
out a blog each week. My aim is as it always has been, to help others. So
excuse me for the “holiday” and I hope this finds you well wherever you may be.
If I had planned this post I would have been able to lay out what I have
been doing in the last month and what lies ahead. But I have never really
planned these posts, but always let my mind write what it needs to write at the
moment in time. So rather than look backwards on what has been, or search ahead
for what may never come, I will instead focus on the present moment.
I have been doing a few press-ups each day. I was nominated by Catherine
to perform 22 of the suckers everday for 22 days. This challenge is to
highlight the ‘fact’ that 22 military veterans commit suicide every day as well
as an increasing number of emergency service personnel too. The challenge requires
that I perform my 22 press-ups on video and nominate a different person each
day.
To begin with the hardest part was thinking who might be able to do the
press-ups. But today I realised that actually the “doing” doesn’t really matter.
The important thing is that I spread the word.
After doing three days I thought I would look into the statistic
presented in the challenge, because I am a little sceptical of “facts” in the
media. By doing a small amount of digging I found out where this number came
from and how inaccurate it actually is. Nevertheless, I feel that doing a
press-up challenge helps to highlight an issue that is worth looking at and
informing yourself on. I don’t think that 1 press-up a day is quite the same
challenge, nor as eye catching for the media.
In summary it is always worth looking into articles and posts you see
online. It is easy to do your own research (that is the real useful part of the
internet) and draw your own conclusions from what you discover. For me anything
bringing awareness to suicide, PTSD, depression or any other mental illness is
a good thing. Even if sometimes the facts aren’t all they are cracked up to be.
TA
Saturday, 16 July 2016
Choices
I left my lunch with Catherine on Wednesday a morose figure. Not because of anything she had done or said, but
just because my brain was playing up. It was not bad thoughts that filled
my head though, but just a feeling of anxiousness. I couldn’t put a finger on
why I was feeling this way, but knew that ruminating wasn’t the answer. In fact
most of the time it isn’t the solution, but a distracting negative process we put ourselves through.
Instead I
chose to focus on the walk to the bus stop with all the sights and sounds of
the Sydney cityscape. Walking up Castlereagh street I heard a man singing “Sexual
Healing” mixed with the traffic noise of lunchtime. The singing became louder
as I reached the junction of Castlereagh and Market streets where the David
Jones and Westfield meet. There at the corner was a homeless man with his dog
on a bread delivery basket singing away (the man not the dog.) He wasn’t belting out his rendition
but singing it as though he just had ten people in front of him in a room to
himself. It was calming yet completely at odds with the bustle of people
passing him by and the traffic noise of the city.
A smile had
crossed my face on hearing this man singing because that song reminds me of so many
happy times. It stirred my memories and my smile became broader when I reached
the junction and saw him at ease, happy. When the green man came up to cross I
started to walk, but stopped and turned back after a few paces. I had enjoyed
this man’s voice and this simple moment had begun a change in my head, which I
was grateful for. So I returned to his spot and dropped a dollar in his box.
On the bus
ride home I had the most amazing mental dump as I wrote pages furiously in my
journal. It felt good to get these thoughts and feelings out and then look at
them objectively. In fact it was extremely helpful because it gave me a
direction to follow and reminded me of some simple truths. Although I have been
writing everyday for the last forty-something days it has been some time since
I had a mental dump. You may think that I think a lot and you would be right, but
I have the tools to be able to deal with those thoughts. Some of them aren’t worth
worrying about and others are occurring because I need to take action on
something.
There are
so many times that I have heard that happiness is a choice. Yes I believe you can
think positively and make choices that will avoid unhappiness. You can smile
when you don’t feel like smiling and laugh to change the chemical balance in
your brain. But happiness is just an emotion like anger or sadness, it comes
and goes. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing feelings of
sadness, anger, frustration or even aggression. They are just as equal as
happiness. To try and show something you are not would be foolish for your long
term mental health. But equally it is bad to ruminate on negative thoughts and
feelings as it is so easy to head in a downward spiral.
I think
that focusing on what is in front of you, being “present” is a much better way
to live. It takes you away from your thought factory and into the world in
front of you. Within that world are simple things that make you smile
naturally, that make you feel both happiness and sadness as normal emotions.
Living “in the moment” allows you to focus on what you need to do right now
rather than worry about something that may or may not happen in the future. I
freely admit that we need to think about our future, but let’s not lose sight
of the fact that we could be dead tonight. Experiencing this moment is where it’s
possible to have all the emotions naturally, to be grateful for life, to enjoy
what we see, hear and feel around us.
Sometimes
it is as simple as listening to a man singing a favourite song and writing
scribbles in a notebook.
Tom :)
Sunday, 10 July 2016
Patience
Over the years I have developed a level of patience that sometimes even surprises me. For the most part however this is when dealing with other people, because when it comes to being patient with myself I am still learning.
I have worked with people from all walks of life through several different jobs over the years. There have been times when I've been frustrated by others, but I've kept my mouth shut and given them the space they've needed to complete their task. When training others I could see how life gets in the way of learning at times and that is ok. We often set lofty goals for ourselves when we are full of motivation, but it's when we have no "oomph" that we learn and develop the most (hopefully). Having patience in ourselves at these moments is key to a balanced mind and life.
What I have seen more recently is that I can be as patient with myself as I can with others. As I am learning new skills or taking action towards creating new work, I can be content and not feel rushed. This is something very important to me. For years I have rushed myself to get "somewhere" or do "something", thinking that I am wasting my life by not finding the one "thing" that will change my life and others. But in all honesty as I become more patient with myself I realise that I am doing enough. I know that friends and family have told me such over the years, but that has never been enough to satisfy my own mind. Perhaps as I've taken control of my head I have started to see what they might in myself.
One example of playing the long game and having patience is my writing. I love to write and have been writing everyday for the past 40 days. I chose to make this a new habit as the practice of writing gives me a great mind release and helps me in being more creative at work. Over these last 40 days I have enjoyed writing for my two books with the knowledge that it will take months or years to complete them. Having patience when my creativity isn't there is important because it is in the consistency with this new habit that I improve. I will make mistakes. I will write pieces that are crap or don't read particularly well. But because I can be patient with myself I know that as long as I take on feedback I will improve and that is my raison d'être.
By being patient with myself and accepting things as they are, not how my brain wants to see them, I have more time and head space to make my choices. Rather than worry and get anxious I can now breathe and take some time to just sit. I have begun to get out of my head, away from what my brain has done for so long and not think. I am living more in the present each day rather than being consumed with "what ifs" and thoughts of what could have been. That to me is the best result for what I set out for last year.
Conclusion
Patience is a skill like any other, it can be learnt and developed. But to improve both your self-patience and calm with others you have to endure some testing times. It is a practice that you must do everyday if you are going to change, but an easy one to take action on.
Personally I focus on it most when I am waiting in line for something and I feel anxious or in a rush. In these moments I just focus on my breathe and remind myself that there is no rush. It is through weathering the feelings and thoughts that my brain creates and accepting them just as they are that I can relax. It doesn't make the stress or worry go away it just means it doesn't affect me as much if at all. It won't kill me, so I don't get caught up in it.
Practicing in these daily, small situations will help you improve your patience in other more stressful areas of your life. You can't run before you can walk and so it is with a skill like patience. It takes a moment to learn but a lifetime to master, so we best get practicing!
Tom :)
I have worked with people from all walks of life through several different jobs over the years. There have been times when I've been frustrated by others, but I've kept my mouth shut and given them the space they've needed to complete their task. When training others I could see how life gets in the way of learning at times and that is ok. We often set lofty goals for ourselves when we are full of motivation, but it's when we have no "oomph" that we learn and develop the most (hopefully). Having patience in ourselves at these moments is key to a balanced mind and life.
What I have seen more recently is that I can be as patient with myself as I can with others. As I am learning new skills or taking action towards creating new work, I can be content and not feel rushed. This is something very important to me. For years I have rushed myself to get "somewhere" or do "something", thinking that I am wasting my life by not finding the one "thing" that will change my life and others. But in all honesty as I become more patient with myself I realise that I am doing enough. I know that friends and family have told me such over the years, but that has never been enough to satisfy my own mind. Perhaps as I've taken control of my head I have started to see what they might in myself.
One example of playing the long game and having patience is my writing. I love to write and have been writing everyday for the past 40 days. I chose to make this a new habit as the practice of writing gives me a great mind release and helps me in being more creative at work. Over these last 40 days I have enjoyed writing for my two books with the knowledge that it will take months or years to complete them. Having patience when my creativity isn't there is important because it is in the consistency with this new habit that I improve. I will make mistakes. I will write pieces that are crap or don't read particularly well. But because I can be patient with myself I know that as long as I take on feedback I will improve and that is my raison d'être.
By being patient with myself and accepting things as they are, not how my brain wants to see them, I have more time and head space to make my choices. Rather than worry and get anxious I can now breathe and take some time to just sit. I have begun to get out of my head, away from what my brain has done for so long and not think. I am living more in the present each day rather than being consumed with "what ifs" and thoughts of what could have been. That to me is the best result for what I set out for last year.
Conclusion
Patience is a skill like any other, it can be learnt and developed. But to improve both your self-patience and calm with others you have to endure some testing times. It is a practice that you must do everyday if you are going to change, but an easy one to take action on.
Personally I focus on it most when I am waiting in line for something and I feel anxious or in a rush. In these moments I just focus on my breathe and remind myself that there is no rush. It is through weathering the feelings and thoughts that my brain creates and accepting them just as they are that I can relax. It doesn't make the stress or worry go away it just means it doesn't affect me as much if at all. It won't kill me, so I don't get caught up in it.
Practicing in these daily, small situations will help you improve your patience in other more stressful areas of your life. You can't run before you can walk and so it is with a skill like patience. It takes a moment to learn but a lifetime to master, so we best get practicing!
Tom :)
Patience
Over the years I have developed a level of patience that sometimes even surprises me. For the most part however this is when dealing with other people, because when it comes to being patient with myself I am still learning.
I have worked with people from all walks of life through several different jobs over the years. There have been times when I've been frustrated by others, but I've kept my mouth shut and given them the space they've needed to complete their task. When training others I could see how life gets in the way of learning at times and that is ok. We often set lofty goals for ourselves when we are full of motivation, but it's when we have no "oomph" that we learn and develop the most (hopefully). Having patience in ourselves at these moments is key to a balanced mind and life.
What I have seen more recently is that I can be as patient with myself as I can with others. As I am learning new skills or taking action towards creating new work, I can be content and not feel rushed. This is something very important to me. For years I have rushed myself to get "somewhere" or do "something", thinking that I am wasting my life by not finding the one "thing" that will change my life and others. But in all honesty as I become more patient with myself I realise that I am doing enough. I know that friends and family have told me such over the years, but that has never been enough to satisfy my own mind. Perhaps as I've taken control of my head I have started to see what they might in myself.
One example of playing the long game and having patience is my writing. I love to write and have been writing everyday for the past 40 days. I chose to make this a new habit as the practice of writing gives me a great mind release and helps me in being more creative at work. Over these last 40 days I have enjoyed writing for my two books with the knowledge that it will take months or years to complete them. Having patience when my creativity isn't there is important because it is in the consistency with this new habit that I improve. I will make mistakes. I will write pieces that are crap or don't read particularly well. But because I can be patient with myself I know that as long as I take on feedback I will improve and that is my raison d'être.
By being patient with myself and accepting things as they are, not how my brain wants to see them, I have more time and head space to make my choices. Rather than worry and get anxious I can now breathe and take some time to just sit. I have begun to get out of my head, away from what my brain has done for so long and not think. I am living more in the present each day rather than being consumed with "what ifs" and thoughts of what could have been. That to me is the best result for what I set out for last year.
Conclusion
Patience is a skill like any other, it can be learnt and developed. But to improve both your self-patience and calm with others you have to endure some testing times. It is a practice that you must do everyday if you are going to change, but an easy one to take action on.
Personally I focus on it most when I am waiting in line for something and I feel anxious or in a rush. In these moments I just focus on my breathe and remind myself that there is no rush. It is through weathering the feelings and thoughts that my brain creates and accepting them just as they are that I can relax. It doesn't make the stress or worry go away it just means it doesn't affect me as much if at all. It won't kill me, so I don't get caught up in it.
Practicing in these daily, small situations will help you improve your patience in other more stressful areas of your life. You can't run before you can walk and so it is with a skill like patience. It takes a moment to learn but a lifetime to master, so we best get practicing!
Tom :)
I have worked with people from all walks of life through several different jobs over the years. There have been times when I've been frustrated by others, but I've kept my mouth shut and given them the space they've needed to complete their task. When training others I could see how life gets in the way of learning at times and that is ok. We often set lofty goals for ourselves when we are full of motivation, but it's when we have no "oomph" that we learn and develop the most (hopefully). Having patience in ourselves at these moments is key to a balanced mind and life.
What I have seen more recently is that I can be as patient with myself as I can with others. As I am learning new skills or taking action towards creating new work, I can be content and not feel rushed. This is something very important to me. For years I have rushed myself to get "somewhere" or do "something", thinking that I am wasting my life by not finding the one "thing" that will change my life and others. But in all honesty as I become more patient with myself I realise that I am doing enough. I know that friends and family have told me such over the years, but that has never been enough to satisfy my own mind. Perhaps as I've taken control of my head I have started to see what they might in myself.
One example of playing the long game and having patience is my writing. I love to write and have been writing everyday for the past 40 days. I chose to make this a new habit as the practice of writing gives me a great mind release and helps me in being more creative at work. Over these last 40 days I have enjoyed writing for my two books with the knowledge that it will take months or years to complete them. Having patience when my creativity isn't there is important because it is in the consistency with this new habit that I improve. I will make mistakes. I will write pieces that are crap or don't read particularly well. But because I can be patient with myself I know that as long as I take on feedback I will improve and that is my raison d'être.
By being patient with myself and accepting things as they are, not how my brain wants to see them, I have more time and head space to make my choices. Rather than worry and get anxious I can now breathe and take some time to just sit. I have begun to get out of my head, away from what my brain has done for so long and not think. I am living more in the present each day rather than being consumed with "what ifs" and thoughts of what could have been. That to me is the best result for what I set out for last year.
Conclusion
Patience is a skill like any other, it can be learnt and developed. But to improve both your self-patience and calm with others you have to endure some testing times. It is a practice that you must do everyday if you are going to change, but an easy one to take action on.
Personally I focus on it most when I am waiting in line for something and I feel anxious or in a rush. In these moments I just focus on my breathe and remind myself that there is no rush. It is through weathering the feelings and thoughts that my brain creates and accepting them just as they are that I can relax. It doesn't make the stress or worry go away it just means it doesn't affect me as much if at all. It won't kill me, so I don't get caught up in it.
Practicing in these daily, small situations will help you improve your patience in other more stressful areas of your life. You can't run before you can walk and so it is with a skill like patience. It takes a moment to learn but a lifetime to master, so we best get practicing!
Tom :)
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