Perhaps my prayers to a God I didn’t believe in were answered, perhaps I just worked it out for myself because I found a solution; I began to help myself. My problem was that I didn’t talk about my mind with anyone except a couple of family members. Instead I read books and learnt from others’ personal experiences to find a way to cope. Muhammad Ali became a hero for me and Buddhism entered my world for the first time. I began to think that I had a purpose in life, but that I didn’t know what it was. Once again I started searching for an intangible solution.
Though this way of thinking brought me many great experiences, friends and teachers it didn’t end the internal suffering. I switched from job to job in order to progress forwards without every really dealing with my depression. Eventually I reached a pivotal moment where I had had enough of my brain, it was time to trade it in for a new model. It wasn’t quite as easy as that though, that model didn’t exist, so I started building it like a kit. I took tools that I had discovered, past times I loved and a personality that I had hidden and began the hard work of rebuilding my mind.
In many ways I found my solution in my own head, but it took help from professionals and many others to get me there. It is by no means a magic pill though as I am reminded each week. I manage my mind using the tools I have in order to stop that downward spiral, it’s all about consistency. I won’t ever be perfect mentally, but accepting that was the biggest step to sorting my head out. Now I get to enjoy the little things and find fulfilment in what I do each day and that is more important to me than the state of happiness and the illusion of purpose.
T
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