I'm back home in England and I've had a great time so far. I'm enjoying spending time with my family and am the most content I've been in a long time. I actually felt much better before leaving Sydney for our trip, but now that I have had time to think about it my mind is calm and clear. Naturally holiday will let you relax and be away from worry, but a lot of things changed in my mind whilst I was still at home (in Sydney), so I knew this break would only enhance that.
In my last post I said I would have something interesting to write about. I think I was reflecting on the change that I had noticed in myself and wanted to explain about it in a little detail. Many changes have taken place in me over the last few months and it is really the culmination of different techniques that have led to who I am now. A lot of people say that you can't change who you are, specifically how your mind operates. But I am happy to disagree with that notion, I am a small amount of proof that with consistent hard work it can be done.
When I had my little head implosion a few months ago I felt tired of life and lacking in energy for anything. I had reached a point where I was over it, but not in a suicidal way. I had a lot of anger locked up inside at myself and for the first time I realised that I had to do something about it. I did two things at this point, I found a fantastic book about mindfulness meditation and asked for help from a doctor.
The first of these helped me right away as I committed to following the meditation programme and had something to achieve each day. It also began to calm my mind in the three weeks it took to get in for my first psychologist appointment. I am still working towards a daily meditation practice, but I practice more frequently than I ever did before and am more present because of it. When I don't meditate I know about it after a few days, so I keep it going enough to manage my mind. The best thing about the practice has been learning acceptance. Acceptance of my strengths and weaknesses, other people and life in general. This last point could have its own post it's such a huge thing.
When the psychologist referral began I was actually looking forward to it. Despite not being able to open up to family and friends in the past I saw this as an opportunity to offload and actually discover what caused my depression and anxiety. It was a chance to see why I am the way I am. Through my 8 sessions over the last few months I have learnt about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other tools to help me deal with my brain and change the way it works. I am now able to counteract the negative talk that I experience and have begun work on creating new positive pathways to help me progress in life. I'm still trying to overcome twenty plus years of bad habits but it's a step in the right direction.
The next stage in my evolution was ditching running and getting back to the gym and lifting weights. As much as I had enjoyed running it was no longer helpful to me. I had too much time to ruminate whilst training and ultimately didn't see the point of doing it for a challenge anymore. Instead I went back to lifting to experience another form of meditation where I couldn't think about anything else other than breathing and technique. It has been great to do something that is hard work, but for enjoyment first and achievement second. I think we have forgotten that in our lives and too often push to compete at everything we do. Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flipping roses!
Looking forwards I am concentrating on keeping the consistency I've developed with meditation and the gym. I have to focus more energy on CBT and build my confidence and satisfaction with what I do in my life. That will require a lot of hard work to overcome those old habits and thought processes, but it is a necessity I welcome with open arms. Thinking about how low I've felt over the years is all the motivation I need to live a calmer, content life. That's the ultimate goal and in the last couple of weeks I've realised that it's possible if I let it be. Nobody else will make it happen, but me. Accepting that is the first step in real change.
Are you ok?
Tom
