After a great absence from writing this blog and writing in general I am back! We returned to Sydney a few weeks ago from a great trip back to England and our fantastic honeymoon in Thailand. Our feet haven’t touched the ground since we got back, but as I have an early finish I am able to tap this post out to you.
Being away was great. I don’t care who you are or where you live, when you go on holiday you disconnect from your life. You trade in the routine of waking up early for work, the commuting and the taxing of your grey matter for simple pleasures. You lie in. You spend time with people that matter. Above all you do what the hell you like because you can. This is always nice when you are on holiday because we all need to relax and kick back. But when you return to normality it can be a bit of a shock after suspending the routine for a few weeks.
I’m glad to say that didn’t happen for me (at least not right away), I loved coming back to our place near the beach and going for a swim (read 5 minute paddle) after work. That was all very nice thank you. However my brain had not forgotten me so easily. It had been well behaved for 5 weeks of holiday and had been fairly reasonable on our return, but it decided to give me a little wake up call at the weekend.
I haven’t had an anxiety attack or felt my depression for quite some time. Before we left on our trip I had been pretty consistent with meditating and lifting weights at the gym. Even whilst we were away I continued to work at both in order to maintain a calm balance. However the gym slipped a little in the first two weeks of our return and meditating was non-existent. Why does this matter? Well I think these two key areas have kept me much calmer and more balanced, so to cut them out after succeeding with both is like going cold turkey and hoping for the best.
As I mentioned earlier my old damn brain (or O.D.B for short ;-)) decided to right royally fudge me over on Saturday. Seemingly from nowhere I fell into a dark hole. I don’t really know what triggered it, but I think it was probably a build up of brain shit from post holiday. There are some long term issues that continue to pop up and ‘eff” me over. The severity of it all was scary. I took a walk to clear my head with a couple of cold beers (always good for mental illness alcohol ;)) and ended up on the cliffs overlooking Coogee, a great view at night. For me the sea (or ocean to you Aussies) has been my “happy place” for many years, it just chills me out and makes me see some reason. Anyway I didn’t look at the pretty view of Coogee, but instead stared into the dark night at the waves crashing onto the rocks below me. I felt like shit and I thought some pretty grim things. The worst thing was that my mind was creating it all and I actually told myself that I’d never be free of it and that scared me. Despite that part of my brain trying to do me in I had a good chat to the sea that night, and walked away to face reality and talk to Catherine. That was my wake up call.
Real talk is great. It is like a colonic irrigation for your brain. Except the colon isn't involved. Nor water. Or ya bum. But the cleansing bit, it’s like that. Dodgy references aside, it’s good to talk. It is fecking hard to do most of the time, but it helps in the long term. The only trouble is after you are done. Much like someone feeding themselves crap after a colonic irrigation, you have to stop your mind feeding on the negative stuff. That’s where all that meditation and weight training helps. It’s where the implementation of a new way of thinking and acting is needed, in order to overcome the twenty years of negative self destruction. It’s a constant work in progress.
I knew it would never be easy to change myself and I understood it would be a long journey, but that doesn't stop you feeling the low times and wanting to tell the world to stick it. I suppose the re-assuring thing now that I have returned to “normal” is that it is a learning experience. I was reminded this by a friend over the weekend and I am holding onto that in order to build from it. Daily meditation started again this morning and I blitzed the gym last week, so I have that in hand once more. The next step is to develop positive thought patterns and just do it.
For now that is enough babble. I hope you are all well wherever you are.
Are you ok?
Tom
