Having fun

I started writing this blog post talking about how I am grateful for what I have, but I changed my mind. As much as I am grateful and remind myself of this frequently, this doesn't actually help me feel less anxious or depressed. If anything it makes things worse because I then feel guilty for feeling depressed when I should be happy. But the mind is a complicated thing and mental illness isn't black and white. Often I have no reason why I feel a certain way and so I don't talk about it in the knowledge that most people won't understand, and some will be plain rude and condescending. Anyway I am getting way off track here, let's get back to this post shall we?

Yesterday myself, Catherine and our friend Andrew drove to the Royal National Park in Sydney's south to hit the running trails. It was fantastic! The three hours we ended up spending running and walking out there was the exact reason we moved to Australia. Now that we have a car my aim is to spend as many Saturday mornings out there running and cycling as is physically possible. Fortunately Catherine shares my enthusiasm and is keen as mustard (that's pretty keen folks) to get out exploring.




Without getting too deep into it I find being out in the middle of nowhere the most cathartic experience available. It is the best therapy I could have because I can focus on enjoying the best that nature has to offer, without traffic noise or crowds of people. It also gives Catherine and I time together to talk properly and connect. It's not that we don't do that already, but during the week we are working, training, relaxing. I know how hard it can be to listen properly when you're mind and/or body have been frazzled by work, so I don't put that on Catherine during the week. The trouble is I haven't been doing at the weekend either, so that is why I end up like the other week, imploding.

Today we went to Achilles training in the Botanic Gardens before heading to our acro workshop with our friends Duo Die Acrobatics . All of this is great because it is fun and time with friends, a time to connect and do something. Doing is the name of the game moving forwards, because as good as this blogging makes me feel to splurge my crazy thoughts onto a page, it won't help without action. My Dad used to say that I "talk a good game" and as much as I find that funny (because it is true) it cuts right to the point. I have been a talker, a bullshitter and a procrastinator for years. However through the right friends I have learnt a little about myself and what action I need to take. Actually I have been taking it. I have been reading and learning more, I have improved a lot at work and in training. I have started to talk more to close friends and not just blog. These are my small steps, but they are building a new habit and it is action. I am not just feeling sorry for myself.

This evening I had another small revelation. I had drunk a coffee after acro training before returning home with the food shopping. I was knackered when I got in, I just wanted to sit down. But I knew that if I did that I wouldn't get up again. So I grumpily started cooking lunches for the week. I stuck sausages and salmon in the oven (not the same dish) and started cooking a turkey curry on the stove. As Catherine put it I was 'frantic'! But it was because I was realising something profound. As much as I think that I am a lazy, chilled out sloth I actually think I am the opposite. I need action. I desire a plan, structure, a deadline. For years I have been working for myself and missing this. I turned myself into a lazy, procrastinator. It doesn't matter that all I was doing was cooking, I was revelling in the 'doing'. I was realising that I just have to lay out a plan each day and 'do it'. I can be everything that I want to be, but I have to do it, nothing will come from talking and planning it.

On that note I direct you to this motivational video courtesy of my friend Andrew:

TED talk motivation video

Are you ok?

Tom

Putting things together

This week has been a progression in both work and mind. Although after reading this post you may not think it! Nevertheless it has been a great learning experience on two different fronts.

Work is going well I am starting to enjoy it as I find my confidence and self belief improving. It is strange to go back to feeling like a teenager, a time when I knew very little. A time when (a little like now) I hid my true feelings behind a mask of smiles and being the nice guy. I was a glutton for punishment and being overly sensitive led to a rollercoaster of ups and downs. What can be an asset can also be your worst enemy too, it just takes time to see that. Now though I am starting to believe again! I am trying to turn the voice in my head into a team of cheerleaders rather than a riot of demonstrators. It's going to take time!

Today I would like to think I am a more rounded person for my experiences. Like others I have made mistakes, some I have learnt from, others I have not. But those experiences have led me to this point where I view my life in a different light. I still think there is more to it than I have discovered, but I am trying to deal with the anxiety and depression that brings by changing who I am. Most people won't understand this, family and friends will be mystified as to what I need to change. But that is because I have been a more private person than most would know.

When I talk about change I mean it in a way that again most won't understand. It is not about losing my good points, but merely strengthening my weak ones. It is not because what I have isn't good enough, nor because I am unhappy. Those points are irrelevant. If you are driven by happiness then you will be eternally unhappy. Striving for happiness is like trying to win a coin toss. You can't make it happen, it just does. But happiness is not the end game, it is just a feeling, a temporary state of mind. It comes and goes and that is life. What I am striving for is to learn more, improve myself and ultimately have an impact. This last will sound big headed. That's fine. If you don't strive for excellence then you are aiming too low.

My nemesis in all of this change and transformation is particularly close to home. I live with them day in and day out and they know all my secrets, weaknesses and triggers. My demon is me. My own mind. When I caught up with my friend the other night we talked about controlling the mind and body, how it is possible through commitment to certain practices. Firstly it starts as a commitment to bettering oneself, because what use are you to the World if you can't help you. Through planning, practice and determination I am embarking on a journey of improvement with the aim of controlling my mind, adjusting the negative thinking and getting somewhere. I don't have all the answers and that's fine because what fun would life be if we knew what was going to happen?

I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate what I have though. To remind myself what I am grateful for I have included a couple of snaps from today. Tomorrow I will be posting a happier scribble about today's trail running and my plan of attack for the weeks ahead.

Are you ok?

Tom

Making sense

Tonight I caught up with a good friend of mine in town at the GPO. We had another great tapas dinner at one of the restaurants down the stairs, I forget the name, but it was delicious. Over this tasty meal we caught up on the day to day stuff, before getting into the complex head problems that we've both been dealing with.

My friend and I share similar paths in our brain problems, but he is a couple of steps ahead of me in his endeavours. So it was with interest that I got to sit back and listen whilst he talked about how he researched and dealt with his in a practical way. He spoke of a resource he found which gave a lot of practical advice and set him up on his many steps towards managing his brain. None of it was rocket science and that is why it worked, it required consistent effort to control how he felt, but it worked. He admitted that it needs consistency, because once he felt good he stopped doing a lot of the exercises. But he still had the skills to turn to when he wasn't feeling good recently and it reminded him how powerful they are at changing his state of mind.  There are not many people I know that will research, read and then actually act on the advice given, or better create their own plan and stick to it. I take my hat off to him for that and from the heart I say well done, I'm proud of you mate.

Listening to him talk was a pleasure as I saw how far he has come and that it is possible. It highlighted various things that I need to work on and deal with. One of the most revelatory points was the necessity to stop being nice. This may sound strange, but being the nice guy doesn't get you far in life. If we are honest with ourselves it really doesn't. The nice guys get taken advantage of and walked over. They spend so much time worrying about how others see them, or how others might react to them saying no that they just go along with everyone else. They become the "yes" man, appearing easy going to all and never any trouble. In reality these people have weakened themselves by being nice. They hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs, because they are weak. They worry about stupid little things that most people don't give two seconds of thought. Inside all of this makes them f*cked up, their heads are a scrambled. They are a walking contradiction and though talking and being sociable is their skill they are unable to talk to the people closest to them about the things that matter the most. Welcome to my life. Being Mr. Nice Guy is not nice. So the hardest challenge I have set myself in my whole life is to stop being nice. It doesn't necessarily mean I will be a d*ck (although that is part of the process), but it means positive things like taking control, speaking ones mind and above all else living life without worrying what people think.

As I sit here and read back over what I have just written I think that this is a bigger challenge than all the marathons and ultra marathons I have run put together. But it's not terrifying. For once in my life I  can see that this is possible. All I need is a plan and I think I just wrote that out above.

Are you ok?

Tom

Bloody plans!

The weekend may be over but I am still feeling the benefits of a good long run yesterday and some time off with my little wifey.

On Saturday I finally conceded to Catherine that having a plan for your day off is a good thing. This came about because I was feeling miserable after having a productive morning of household chores. Cleaning is enough to make most people grumpy, but mine was appearing because of a different cause. I've discovered that my anxiety stems from a need to do something important with my life. By not having a plan I worry more about insignificant things and let anxiety take over, rendering me unable to act and generally not wanting to interact with anyone. It all used to be so easy when I was twenty!

After talking (yes shock horror) about how I was feeling to Catherine, I conceded that having a plan for the day meant that I was able to visualise what goals were to be achieved and knew that I was using my time wisely. Even though this was as simple as saying "coffee at Rosie's till 3pm, then head into Bondi Junction for towels before heading home at 6pm to get ready to go out", I felt more relaxed as a result. I never thought that I would say this, but being organised and having a plan can help you to avoid a great deal of stress. My productivity has improved as a result too because I know what I need to do and when. I have even pulled out my diary in order to write things down rather than use my phone for everything. This is purely because I like to write and I think it embeds itself in my brain much better when writing out appointments or reminders rather than typing them into my iPhone.

After a busy Saturday and a great big feast of carbs with friends in the evening we were both ready for a good long run on Sunday morning. Well I was ready, but Catherine certainly wasn't. This is not the norm let me tell you. Catherine is normally the one that is bouncing around like Tigger in the morning, whilst I am much more like Eeyore. But this was a welcome change and after a little time Catherine got into it and enjoyed the off road running around the outside of Centennial Park. After five miles we went our separate ways and I ran a satisfyingly swift second five to finish back at home. A delicious brunch at our local cafe X74 was a welcome reward for our efforts and made me remember what I like about running, the eating!

I am now entered into three events for the year. Glow Worm trail marathon, Blacktown marathon and Tough Mudder later in the year. What makes me happy about this is that only one of them is serious and the other two are for 'enjoyment'. I admit it is a strange form of enjoyment, but the beers after are oh so sweet because of the pain ;)

I won't bore you with too much more, but I just want to say thank you to Nick and all the other friends that contacted me recently. It is becoming easier to talk about my problems, even if it is just the start of a new plan to manage them. I suppose now I feel slightly less stupid when I write about these feelings and open up to people. I've known friends that haven't been able to do that and they have ended up a lot worse off for it.

As a reminder to ask those close to you I will start signing off a little differently from today. We can all be busy, but it doesn't take long to ask "are you ok?"

Tom :)

Talking

Some may say that I love to talk. There's no lie in that fact. But when it comes to real talk about the big stuff it is a different story. I find solace in talking to the nothingness that is the internet, by writing this blog. I know that a few people will read it, but it's not aimed at them. It's not meant to hurt, but just be an open and honest portal for my "real talk".

Slowly I am starting to talk more about what is irking me, how I am feeling when I'm quiet and releasing the grip on the dark stuff. It's a process that is hard when you've developed a habit over many years of keeping a lid on everything.

Someone said to me recently that they were surprised I felt how I did (they had read my recent gloomy post) and that I seemed to have it together from the outside. That is what I have always done, keep smiling and carry on. But it wears thin after caring for others health and wellbeing for years. There must come a point where you are open and honest with yourself and those around you, because anything else is detrimental to life.

Recently I've felt shit. But I've been in a worse state before now and nobody but Catherine knew how I felt and what was going on. This time I have more of a plan to focus my thoughts and actions and keep me progressing forwards when I feel like I want to just stop. A few friends have helped and I'm grateful for their support. It means a lot.

My Mum said something in a message to me yesterday that struck home. She said "if you are feeling depressed, just accept it. Don't try fighting it." Acceptance of who you are and what you are feeling is our greatest challenge. We don't need to be any more than what we already are, nor fake something that we are not. It's great to improve ourselves for the benefit of us and everyone around us, but it's not essential. Nobody is judging us out of ten, real life is not a bloody television show. If people are judging then it's a sign that they are not the people we need in our lives, we can kick them into touch.

I can write some crap at times, but I'm not doing it in order to gain accolades. I just need to splurge and release the pressure valve in my head, so I don't explode. We could all do with finding our own way to release the pressure each day. Something that doesn't damage our health but improves it and in that find a real peace in our minds.

Tom


- Posted from the modern day type writer

Consistency

I've talked about consistency before, from memory when I was having coaching last year. Now as then it is something I have to put effort into to succeed with. Shall we just say I am a daydreamer with itchy feet (itching for new tasks not new women, just to clarify wifey). So it is with great pleasure that I am beginning to turn a corner in this area of weakness. Yes it is early days, but I am quietly confident.

 Having said that I didn't wake up early yesterday in order to do my bodyweight training, I had a lie in until 630 and then headed off to work. Today my body rectified that by waking me up at 5:26am, just before my alarm was due to go off. After a nice cuppa and a flick through the free Bunnings paper (see left) I headed off for my tempo run. I trotted up Carrington road and turned left past Queens Park to get into Centennial Park (CP). Once there I ran 6 miles at 8 minute mile pace or quicker before stumbling back home in time to get ready for work. I had a great run around CP with the Kookaburras laughing at me and seeing the lightning quick cyclists rushing around in their peloton. It was the perfect start to my day and left me free this evening to write about it whilst enjoying a cup of Her Majesty's finest, PG Tips.

On the job we had today we made some progress, although it doesn't look like much. With hardwood flooring there is slightly more to the process than the laminate floating floors we've installed recently. However you can really see how good it will look when compared to the yellow tongue flooring the customer has been living with lately. I'll post some more pics soon and if you are into Instagram you can be suitably bored by the work I post under the user name gotwood83.

At the weekend we are going to drive out to the Royal National Park to do our long run on some nice trails for a change from the traffic lights and pavement of Sydney. I'll get some photos of the two of us as I'm sure there will be some great views along the way. Don't worry I will be packing a survival kit just in case anything happens, you can't mess about on the trails here!

Tom :)

Perspective

So my organised week is going well. I feel more in control of my life and less at the mercy of my mind and it's harsh critique. I did go out for my run at 4:30 today, but it was 4:30pm not am! So I may have failed on that first attempt, but because I had planned the rest of my day I got it done, which is an improvement on before. I also managed to phone the docs and get an appointment for the afternoon to get my hand checked. As a result of that visit I have to get an ultrasound as I might have a ganglion. I believe it's like a Dandelion, but skinny and awkward looking.

Returning to the running (as that is the main reason for this post), I had a great session, but a thought provoking one. People often ask what I think about when I run as they believe I must need to distract myself from the boredom and discomfort of running. But often the time I spend running is actually when I can be free of mind and just do something good for myself. It can be like yoga in many ways as you focus on your breathing, your movement and work through the discomfort.

Today however was not one of those days. Or rather it was, but with focussed thought. As I went straight from the Quacks to do my intervals (6x800m @ 6:40min/mile pace) it was always going to be that, which I thought of whilst running. I can't say it was positive thinking, I think the "not knowing" is always the worst thing for anybody's mind. So the though process basically went like this, "you're dying". Oh great! Thanks Mr. Mind, you bastard. So instead of a calm mind whilst trotting along I was powered on by a daydream of telling my family and friends that I didn't have long left in this mortal world. However... I subsequently ran all my intervals under 6:40 min/mile pace and felt great at the end. I even spent time stretching (which I never do).

My reason for bringing this up is because I was actually empowered by this negative thought process rather than depressed by it. It spurred me on as though I had something to prove. I actually said to myself 'run like this is the last interval you will ever do'. Now normally that would mean I just sacked it off and went to the pub, but today it was my rocket fuel. It made me push myself through the pain in order to go faster.

As I stretched afterwards my mind wandered. I thought of all the people who actually don't have long left in the World; friends with terminal cancer, people living through famine and all those in war torn countries that don't know whether they will see the week out. The common thing between all these people is that they often don't have a choice. They don't choose illness, famine or war. They have it thrust upon them. Perhaps there are some that just think 'sod it' and give up trying on life. But from my (all be it limited) experience these people just get on with it. They take life as it comes and make the best of what they have, not knowing when their day will come. I'm sure it worries them and it must be scary as hell. But they choose to live and make the most of what time they have left. They may not all be off skydiving and working through their sodding 'bucket list', but they will be making the most of those close to them and having quality time.

For me personally it made me see things differently. It made me think that I have to make the most of each day I have and continue to be proactive, without worry of what may come. I must continue my little daily plan and progress forwards, because we are the lucky ones. We are the ones that have a choice (probably too much) and it makes us worse for it. I have procrastinated for years when I think about it. I have been consumed by worry, by my own choices, my own making. But this choice must be the easiest to make, to choose to live, not just be.

I've heard it many times but I still love it, "it is not the years in your life that are important, but the life in your years."

Tomorrow is a 5am start, so I'll see you all on the other side.

Tom :)

Moving forwards

Firstly I'd like to thank the special people that contacted me to ask "ru ok?" It meant a lot to speak to you and put things straight in my mind and then move forwards. This blog post is a definite improvement in mood and mind, so don't worry, read on!

Yesterday after a continuation of feeling depressed and extremely anxious I had some time to sit down, draw a mind map and write out a daily plan. The mind map helped to highlight how many different areas I need to focus on and how each of them broke down into smaller tasks. From this simple task I was able to plan my days. Most days had the same format with a small difference dependant on what training I had to do on that particular day. It was quite scary and ended up going from this:

06:00 - Wake up, mobility exercises, shower, brekkie
06:30 - Leave for work
07:00-15:00 - Work
15:30 - Get home
15:30 - 21:00 - Free time (infrequent fitness training)

Post mind map:
(Mon, Weds & Fri later wake of 5am due to training)

04:30 - Wake, tea, mobility exercises
04:45-05:45 - marathon training (Tues & Thursday)
05:45-06:15 - shower and brekkie
06:15 - leave for work (to avoid traffic and arrive early)
07:00-15:00 - work
15:30 - arrive home
16:00-16:30 - shower, tea, write out day's "learns"
16:30-17:00 - blog writing
17:00-18:00 - reading and learning (chippie stuff)
18:00-19:00 - cooking for lunches, work bag prep, kit out for AM training
19:00-21:00 - acro practice, stretching and chilling :)
21:00 - slumber time!

I know it may look boring and a bit overboard, but this helped me no end today. Yes it was day one, but I got up at 5am (a later start, no running) and did my bodyweight training before showering, cooking brekkie and leaving early for work. Once I'd finished work I knew I was going to go home and what I had to do. It was great to know that I had a plan and purpose rather than procrastinating.

Above all else it made me feel less anxious because I had purpose and less grumpy because I had achieved a lot more than normal. I'm not celebrating yet because I want to make this a habit, which for me means doing it everyday for a month. But I'll get there because I have to and because I want to.

Tomorrow is my first 430am start, so I'll see how that goes! It won't be easy, but I won't be making excuses, I have now entered three races and want my marathon PB when that race arrives at the end of July.

Until tomorrow,

Tom :)

Some days

(Warning: this is not a happy post)

Some days are a struggle aren't they? From waking you feel like you are swimming against the tide. You feel that things aren't quite going your way or that your mood is negative for no particular reason. Today I feel the latter of the two. A roller coaster ride straight down is how my mood has been today. 

It's days like these that I am able to see myself in two lights; good and bad, light and dark. I see the Jekyll and the Hyde and wish that they would just be one. Don't get me wrong both personas have positives. When I feel like shit I look at life more objectively and think more practically. When I'm positive I have a "don't give a shit attitude" which means I spend carelessly and "bounce" around the place like Tigger on speed. Yes it is a roller coaster and no I don't really enjoy it.

I think back to being at school and can remember the same moods. They were almost completely destructive then as they were fuelled by hormones. Lucid dreams had me thinking I'd lived a life before and was wasting my time searching for my true purpose. (Still the same today sadly.) I went through periods of insomnia and thought someone was trying to kill me. Thankfully I don't have that anymore!

When we came to Australia I hoped that I would improve and I think I have in a small way. Compared with London when I was going to do myself a mischief I am now a more balanced individual. I have the love and support of an incredible wife, who puts up with so much without knowing what really goes on in my head. I have always found it hard to talk about things. Except for one or two people that I love, I can't open up to anyone. Except to the world on this blog! The difference is simple. I can hide behind this computer and feel slightly better for a bit by writing rather than having to talk to anyone face to face. I don't write this for pity just to feel better.

It's not a surprise to me that so many men have mental health issues. The stigma, guilt and weakness that I feel is incredible and I'm able to write about it. I know there must be a lot of chaps keeping it quieter than I am. To be honest they are the ones to worry about because one day they won't be here and nobody will have known they were depressed or struggling with anxiety.

Ho hum. What a depressing post. I'm sorry about that. I just wanted to write to someone and have a moan. You know the beauty of writing is that nobody answers. The other end is an endless void absorbing my words, not judging, not offering help, not pitying. It's just there. Through this medium I can avoid responses. So don't worry about me or writing a comment. I'll be better now for getting that out of my system. I'm ok.

One day I will find a little peace in my head.

If I'd like you to do anything right now it would be this. Send a message to a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while. Bridge the gap by reaching out with these immortal Facebook words: "what's on your mind?" Followed by: "R U OK?". 

Have a great weekend wherever you may be.

Tom

Creating new habits

Recently I have read a couple of inspiring and informative books on business and habit creation. On finishing I have begun absorbing their teachings into my daily routine. Firstly I have started getting up earlier, 530am to be precise, in order to start my day off with some "wins". My routine now includes mobility warm up exercises (pre-run), a cup of PG Tips finest and marathon training. My target is to carry out this routine for 30 days in order to solidify a new habit of morning training.

My aim with this new habit creating business is three fold:

1. Look after my ageing body.
2. Get my marathon training done first thing in the day.
3. Enjoy a cup of England's finest brew.

As far as I am concerned these are pretty good reasons to create a new habit. But there is more to it than quaffing tea and wiggling my hips around (mobility exercises are unusual). It is about teaching an old dog (that's me) new tricks. It is about creating a positive change and making that the norm in order to improve my life and those around me. This is a simple habit creation, but the plan is to use it to make me write every day and put my plan for World domination into action. It may take time, but over the next 30 days you can be sure to see regular short updates here on my progress.  

Already this week I have managed a complete marathon training week, which is a great achievement in itself. For months I have not had the motivation and desire to run, in fact I don't quite have it back now. But you can't just train or work when you feel good. If you have a goal to reach and you want to make a marked difference in your life or others then you have to train and work all the time. You have to commit 100% and make that thing part of who you are. Otherwise you are just playing and you won't achieve a great deal. If you are ok with that then you are probably reading the wrong blog!

Before I sign off for today I wanted to share a tip that one of my recent reads gave me. It states that in order to create a new habit you need to "anchor" it to an existing habit that you do automatically. For example if I want to do my mobility exercises and go for a run early in the morning then I need to tack it onto something I already do in the morning. There are two things I do in the morning when I wake up. Bladder emptying and teeth brushing. Once I've done those simple things I make a cuppa and start my 15 minute mobility exercises. Once warmed I change and head out for a run. Now that I have incorporated it into my routine it is much easier and I start the day feeling positive and proactive.

I'll let you know how I progress, but maybe you can try the same for a habit you want to create. 

Just do it.

Tom :)