Time off

Catherine and I went away this Easter for a five day break. After all the long hours she has been doing it was great to drive out of Sydney on Friday and escape reality for a little while. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy our life and I am extremely grateful for all we have and how lucky we are to live here.  But the physical action of driving away can really give you space to relax and take stock. I didn’t do much writing over the weekend and we just enjoyed each other’s company for the first time in a long time. As Catherine said it was nice to get back to us being us. We had a lot of laughs and had no timeline or pressure to do anything. We talked about the future, daydreamed about living somewhere quieter and enjoyed the peace of not having kids (sorry no surprises from us!)

Coming back to Sydney wasn’t too painful, I mean it is Sydney after all! But normally the thought of work would give me the old jitters after such a good time away. I think that having a new goal to aim for helped release some of that routine anxiety. I know for Catherine that wasn’t the case and I just reminded her what she tells me when I’m down, “just breathe, focus on that, everything will be ok.” She may be a tough cookie, but all good cookies have some soft spots. Unless they are those really tough cookies, that are like rocks, if you are like one of those then you need a holiday ;) 

So I have been writing a fair bit recently, working on my two books. That’s right much like how I read I can’t help but write about two different things at the same time. To be honest I have been working very sporadically on a dark comedy about depression for years. But when I started working on myself over this last year I realised that I could structure the tools I found useful into a book. So I am focusing on that now as my book to finish this year and publish electronically. My fiction is running on the sidelines, giving me a break from structure when I need it and allowing my well developed daydreaming skills to be put to good use.

I think it was in my last blog post I spoke about there being no point to life. If you didn’t read that one then don’t worry it wasn’t a desperate plea, nor me feeling sorry for myself. It was more a realisation that there is no purpose to life except to experience everything it offers by living in the present moment and not worrying about what the future holds. After writing that post I spoke to a very good friend of mine and he spoke about how he felt that the good times were over and that he may not ever feel the same way as he used to. I could understand what he was saying because like other SODs (sufferers of depressions, just say it like the Alexander the Meerkat) I have been there and had those thoughts. But let me tell you that if you feel that way then there is a place beyond that thinking and it is not the end of your life. I won’t sugar coat it, it will be different and yes you may never feel life in the same way that you did when you were a youngster, but that’s life. You’ve made it this far and no doubt you’ve been through some shit, but it will be better. You can escape what your mind tells you, the feelings of hopelessness you have. It won’t be easy, but you have survived this far so you are pretty special, you are harder than you give yourself credit for. If you are thinking that you won’t ever feel the same as before, just stop for a moment, take a breath, close your eyes, breathe in and out deeply and think of something you love to do, somewhere you love to be. Focus on what that feels like, what the weather is like, what you can see around you, what you hear. Is there sun on your skin, can you hear waves or the wind? Soak up the surroundings of that place you love, just breathe deeply and suck it in. Take your time there. Do it now and when you are ready come back to me.

Hopefully you were able to see somewhere that you love or imagine doing something you love to do. Perhaps you only managed 10 seconds before your brain burst in with some rubbish, maybe you lasted longer. It doesn’t matter how long it was, the message is that you can create what you want in your mind. You can control it. Even if you only managed a few seconds it is a success that you can build on. You can repeat it everyday whether your head is playing silly buggers or not. It’s about re-training your brain with a variety of tools to get you to a new place of thinking and feeling. One that is controlled by you, not your head and it’s childish ways. If you are suffering and want help, just ask. There are plenty of anonymous helplines out there which you can call to get assistance. They will have the time and skills to talk to you and show you places you can get help from.

My friend is in a different place in some respects to a lot of sufferers. The way he has arrived at this point in his life is different to many, but the feelings and thoughts he is having are just the same. He is affected by his brain the same as everybody else. I can’t get inside his head, but I can offer him support, keep in contact with him and make sure he’s not alone. What he is going through is tough and it will take a lot of hard work to get through it. After all he didn’t get to where he is overnight, it took years of consistent actions and thoughts. But I will be there for him like others have been there for me because that is the point of life. 

Are you ok?

Tom

Delayed posts

I began writing a post last week about guilt and I feel some of that for not writing for ten days, but I will save the delayed post until I've put some more thought into it.

For now I just wanted to say hi and update you on this rollercoaster ride. Lately I have been busy with work all be it not as crazy as Catherine. However I have noticed the effect of not meditating, training at the gym or balancing out life in some other way. Never the less I haven't completely fallen apart at the seams (some bad days, but I've talked myself out of them) and I've had a great realisation.

The realisation is that nothing really matters. This may sound gloomy, but actually it is the opposite. It is much more an acceptance that the things we hold dear, that we worry about, that we struggle to achieve don't really matter to anyone but ourselves. Yes people might admire us if we achieve some level of celebrity or success in business or our career. They may think we are superior if we are fit, have big muscles or make ourselves look good. But none of this matters if we aren't content ourselves. Contentment in life can only really come from within us, not from the external products of our labours. Accepting who we are, our strengths and weaknesses and being ok with all is our real aim in life. That is not to say that we should give up on life or our goals, but worry less about our journey there. Naturally this is easier said than done and something that I am working on each day.

The thought that nothing matters is a great relief and one that actually allows us freedom to do whatever we want. In this regard I have earnestly begun writing my book again, making sure I average a few pages of writing each day, regardless of how crap it may be. There could be a reason to doing this, an aim to writing a book, but actually I just like it. It could be shit, but it brings me contentment and maybe in the future it might help someone else.

Aside from writing and not worrying about life I have been working a lot as I said before. With work I have grown more confident in my abilities and happier that with practice I am improving. I am focused on learning from my mistakes and even the smallest details have given me great satisfaction recently. I feel that I am leaving behind the old me and gradually progressing forwards with the change into my new mind. At the end of the day we can all change ourselves, even our brains, we just have to know the "why?" and overcome our innate inertia. This change takes commitment and consistency as I have said before, but it is possible if you really want it.

I don't really know where I was going with this post this week, but that is ok. If we have a goal it should be to worry less about our goals and the journey there. Take that energy and just revel in the experiences you encounter and being present to each moment.

Tom out.

Help or hinder

My latest read that I wrote about a few weeks ago is Gorilla Mindset by Mike Cernovic. I have been steadily working my way through it's ridiculously helpful pages and using some of the tools he speaks of. 

One of the things I have been working on is reducing distractions and limiting the number of things I expend my focus on. For example it is not unheard of for me to have four books on the go at once. Plainly this is too many, so I have reduced it to two. The reason two and not one is because the book above is a "work it through" read, whereby I have to engage my brain and concentrate on the tasks it sets. It's not ideal if I want to switch off or  read before bed, so I have another book which is normally fiction for this purpose. In terms of distractions I have reduced social media on my phone to zero and now just use Facebook to post blog posts or keep in touch with a small group of friends and family in the U.K. 

All of the above can be easily categorised into "help or hinder". The section I am working on from the book now is cutting off (or greatly reducing) time spent with people that hinder my progress to my goals. Conversely the aim is to increase the time spent with those that help my journey to both my mind goals as well as my life aspirations. Sadly for some that means saying goodbye to previous friendships and focusing on the ones that matter. This idea is brutal and not a new one to me as I first read it in a book called 'Get off your but" by Sean Stephenson. It's another great book and an inspiring story of perseverance, pain and fortitude. Read it.

Other than working on the book I have been continuing my meditation and writing practice, because unlike what some may think I can't just switch this thing off. I don't have the benefit of a rational "normal" mind, so I just keep working at all the little things I can do. That's why writing is such a catharsis for me, if you haven't tried it then I suggest you buy a small notepad and write down how you feel. You'll be amazed how much it helps.

Are you ok?

Tom

Something to mull

I had a thought yesterday when I was working on a paving job and getting frustrated that I couldn't get it perfect. It wasn't specific to me, but what if you had an accident and woke up with amnesia. If you had serious enough amnesia would it be possible that your brain wouldn't remember the negative self talking it always did, or the bad habits you'd created or even that you had depression or anxiety? Obviously there are chemical imbalances often involved in depression, but if you had been in complete bed rest for a long enough period without external stressors such as work, exercise, pollution, nagging family/friends would your body be able to recover it's normal hormone levels whilst repairing damage from the accident?

 I don't know what made me think of this and it wasn't because I was thinking about trying to create that situation. It was more that if our brains are so key to so many illnesses there should be nothing (except our brains funnily enough) to stop us from retraining how we think and how we talk to ourselves. I have obviously been working on retraining my brain and it is a difficult process that requires consistent effort, of which I don't always have the energy to give. But it is possible provided there is enough of a motivator there to do it because we are lazy beings. My motivation is increasing because I am more aware of how little time we actually have and there is nothing more motivating than the thought that I might die not having achieved or experienced a lot of what I dream about.

Part of my brain retraining involved getting rid of a lot of social media including Facebook. This has helped massively because I don't waste energy on it like I did before or fill my head with shit. I'd love it if friends actually used it as a tool to update people on their lives, but I know that isn't the purpose of social media. It's not about connecting friends and family, but about money, from advertising, games and apps. Yes it can be used to communicate with lots of people all at once, but how often do I need to do that? It's just another form of laziness and a removal of the personal connection. If we have so much more free time why can't we sit down and write a personal message to friends? I know I struggle with this as there always seems to be something pulling at my attention, which was one of the reasons for ridding myself of social media. I was connected to everyone but no-one at the same time. I'm still working on this because when I am not working long hours I have to switch my brain off for a bit. I've still got to factor training time and writing into my day, so the available time to sit down for meaningful and attentive communication becomes less. But that doesn't mean I am going to get lazy and give up, it just means I have to work harder at it and not let a Facebook status be my channel of communication with friends around the world.

I apologise for the explosion of thoughts today, but as you know this helps to clear my head! Hopefully it clears it enough to help in the creative writing that I am doing in the mornings. Only time will tell.

Are you ok?

Tom

Goodbye TA

I heard from my great friend Barry yesterday that our mutual friend TA had killed himself. Naturally my friend was shell shocked and completely distraught. He never knew that there was anything wrong and couldn't understand why anyone would go to such extremes. I am gutted too. TA was a childhood friend that we frequently saw on our holidays in Florida. He was kind and sincere with a great smile. I fondly remember him taking me fishing with a friend and his amusement at watching the two of us putting live shrimp onto a hook (or at least trying to!) My memory maybe terrible, but that will always stay with me.

But then there is the side of TA that I would never know, even Barry had no inkling of. Barry described TA's grumpy/gruff character as something that he could always get past and see the gentler side. But Barry had no idea that there was anything worse than that lurking in the background. For as much as we think we know people, friends and family we really have no clue what is going on in their heads. Just because someone is smiling on the outside doesn't mean they aren't suffering inside their head, it just means they are good at covering it up. Some people care so much about others that they don't want to burden them with their problems and in doing so don't take care of themselves.

I used to feel as Barry did about suicide and ask the same 'why' questions that he asked. But sadly I can understand the why for friends like TA. Those of us left behind feel angry because we are deprived of someone we loved, we want them to live long and healthy lives. But for them it is an escape from a deep, dark barrage of thoughts, doubts and self loathing. For most people we will never understand how that could force someone to take their life and as human beings we want to understand everything. For there not to be an answer that we can process creates grief. If for example someone had a serious illness, or had suffered a car accident that left them paralysed we might be able to accept suicide more easily, after all it would be ending physical and mental suffering. But when it comes to mental health and thoughts pushing someone to the same conclusion we are stumped. As far as I am concerned the mental anguish and suffering caused by the mind is no different from a physical illness and we should start to get that into our heads. Just because we can't see it or quantify it as easily as Cancer doesn't mean it is less dangerous to sufferers and their families.

For me I feel that another chapter of my life has closed with TA's passing, I've lost a little of myself. I feel guilt like others and am left wanting the days when I saw him smile. I can't bring him back, much like I can't bring back others that have passed in the same way. But by writing this blog and asking people to talk about how they feel I hope that it might just help one person. If I can do that in my lifetime then I'll be content.

Until we meet again TA.

Are you ok?

Tom