Questions of the mind

At the weekend I caught up with my friend Andrew and as usual we got into a great discussion about life. Our conversation is normally based around realism and truth, but to anyone listening in we probably sound like two grumpy old men. I don’t dispute this. We are two grumpy old men, but at least we are happy to embrace it and not fake being happy and excited when we are not.

This weekend our conversation focused around my last blog post in which I wrote about an anxiety episode from that week. The burning question from the episode was “what are you doing with your life?” So Andrew and I talked that through at length, reducing my anxiety about those thoughts and leaving me feeling calm and content.

In short there is no answer to that question or any that your brain conjures in regards to your life aspirations, because it comes from a place of negativity. It is not a thought that can be reasoned with because it has no answer that will satiate it. I am still working on where and when that thought process began, but so far I have gone back over 20 years and can remember times when I experienced it. As a slight deviation from topic I find that last sentence hilarious because I can’t remember positive experiences nearly as well or what I did at the weekend for fun. But I can vividly picture a moment I punched my bedroom cupboard in anger at myself 15 years ago! Interesting…

Regardless of the memory defect I am confident that I have had this voice in my head for many, many years. Despite the worry it gives me it also has driven me to do things that I may not have thought I could do. From training to become a fitness trainer to running a marathon it has pushed me (along with my sheer stubbornness) to achieve a great deal. The trouble arises when you realise that nothing you do will satisfy yourself. Friends and family will applaud your achievements, but the perfectionist inside you spits on your results and demands better. The sad thing is that you could be the best in the world at something and it would never satisfy you.

So this question of “what are you doing with your life?” is both useful and unhelpful depending on my reaction to it. I have learnt through my therapy sessions to take a step back and observe my mind as an outsider. With this technique I can ask whether a thought is helpful, if I should act on it or tell my mind ‘thanks, but not today’. It certainly has come in handy this week when I made a mistake on a piece of work. Where normally I would’ve tortured myself with negative thoughts I was able to stop them at the first and actually say ‘thank you brain, but that is not helpful right now’. I then set about correcting my mistake, which was painful because I want everything to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect, you can’t always be happy when shit happens, so you just have to deal with it. JUST DO IT. So that’s what I did and although the finished product wasn’t going to meet my high standards it was good enough for the job required. If I was making a teak cabinet I wouldn’t think this way, but making something out of rough treated pine is a little different!

My thoughts since the weekend have been good. I have not been crazy high or depressively low, I have felt contentment and calm. It may be because I have been working all week and have done three lifting sessions at the gym. Finding the balance for my life has been the aim of late and it is a trickier equation than you might think. There are a lot of elements to consider and it takes consistent hard work. I won’t lie, I find it tough at times to keep going. The question still pops up and it will be there for a while until I create a new though process to replace it. 

Fortunately I have taken a great deal from the mindfulness meditation practice that I have been using over the last 2-3 months. I am able to focus more on the here and now and enjoy what I am doing rather than worry about what I will do in the future. I still have goals to achieve, such as completing my Australian carpentry qualification before the end of the year. I am also working on a new book about Depression, which I think will help me as well as others. So in summary I have no answer to any big questions, but I am ok with that. I will strive to do something important with my life, but I am now better equipped to manage my mind and ensure that it doesn’t drive me into a hole. 

Catherine and I will soon be heading back to England for the end of October, so I hope to have more to share when I am on holiday. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are in the world, just remember you will be OK. 

Are you ok?

Fear

Yesterday was a sunny 30 degree day in Sydney. Of course it wouldn’t be complete without some fear added to the mix, which my brain supplied readily. As I often tell people Depression is not necessarily about your situation, in fact I’d dare to suggest it has nothing to do with it. It is more to do with the thought processes, the chemical soup in the brain and the physical feelings the sufferer goes through. If it were as simple as looking outside thinking “oh it’s a beautiful day!” and actually carrying that feeling through the day then I would be a much happier man. That is the dream, that one day I can bring my mindfulness to a level where I am consistently content. 

Anyhow I am getting off track here. I think the reason for this post was to show what my mind went through yesterday, to give another example of what a rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings each day is. This is not a “Woe is me” post, I don’t do that and frankly don’t have time for whingers. It is just to show you the process I go through, because when I write it down it helps me to identify where I can improve.

I started work yesterday at 730am. Before leaving the house I had eaten a huge breakfast as part of my new diet (eating more), I was feeling positive. My task for the day was to drop business cards at homes across Double Bay for Steve. It is a lovely area to walk around and not a hardship to walk the streets looking at all the incredible homes. Before setting out I did my daily meditation practice. I did a lot of walking and covered many homes through the morning, finishing up at Double Bay ferry terminal in time for lunch. I took my lunch to the small beach there and sat down to eat and watch the boats bob up and down as the waves came in with a good wind. I sat there and felt really good, I was being mindful of everything around me and it was as though I’d never suffered with depression. 

My mind went clear as I ate my lunch and that’s when the chatter began. “What are you doing? What are you doing with your life?” This is just one of many recordings I have listened to for years. It can be useful for pushing me to do new things, but it has in honesty left me an inconsistent fool. I’ve started so many things, but left them to wither because I’ve always felt I should be doing something else, something bigger. The curse of a free modern mind is that lots of us feel we have to do something significant, we just don’t know what. From this thought process I end with the answer “What is the point? What am I here for?” These are self defeating, will never have answers and actually push me well into the darkest places. They are the reason I have thought of suicide in the past. Perhaps I am simplifying it a little as there is more negativity than what I wrote, but I won’t put that here. Let’s just say that it is a relentless circle, which until now I have struggled to remove myself from.

However now is a different story. This is where it gets interesting. Since starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meditation I have started to see the above situation rationally. I have been given some excellent tools to deal with the thoughts and create new ones (more about that later). The above was an intense feeling and I think it has gotten worse in some respects, almost as though my brain is fighting the changes I am trying to implement. But yesterday I was able to just go “Stop.” I picked up my book and read a chapter to focus my mind on something else. I then walked to a coffee shop, bought a coffee and wrote about what I’d felt. By doing that I was able to think ‘this isn’t helpful’ and then move on with my day. 

From there I went to the gym for session one of lifting. I was able to use the feelings of anxiety and anger that I had to great effect on those inanimate objects, once I left I felt much calmer. Conveniently I had a fortnightly psychologist session straight after, so I was able to recant my day’s travails. It just happened that she had some new tools for me to try when my negative thought processes kick in. I have them with me now as a kind of first aid pack to reach for when shit gets real. At the end of the day you just have to arm yourself with as many weapons as possible to beat the brain into submission and create new thoughts.

Creating new thoughts was what I spoke with my Therapist about yesterday. Once I am able to neutralise the negativity I have to create new thoughts and repeat them in order to change the physiology of my brain and ensure it uses the good, helpful thoughts rather than the negative stuff. Simple really! Like I have said before it takes practice and consistency to ensure a change takes place, you can’t dabble in this stuff and get good results. Fortunately I have an excellent audio track from my friend Cj, which I am using to enforce the positive message I need in the next steps. If you are interested you should check it out (you don’t need to be depressed to benefit ;)):

http://www.cjmswaby.com/audio-downloads.html 

Well that is about it from me for now. I will endeavour to update you with my progress when I’ve smashed a few head demons.

Are you ok?

R U OK?

As it is R U OK? day in Australia and Suicide Prevention Day around the World I thought I should write a little post. It's a positive one, so do not fear!

Today is another good day for me. After a series of frankly shit days I was reminded what I HAVE to do, what commitment and consistency is needed from me in order to improve. When I meditate everyday and get into the gym to train then nothing else matters, I can master my mind. Obviously challenges have come up in the last few days, mistakes have been made, but my reaction to these has been the sign that what I am doing is working. My reaction has been completely different from a few days ago, the voice in my head is quiet and if it is present it is a forgiving and realistic one.

Over the last week I have had so much support from friends and family that it has blown my mind. From the calls and messages with Nick to a FaceTime with Mike and Laura. From the messages with my Mum to the many private messages from friends all over the World. It has all helped to give me the energy that I have been lacking, the energy to carry on with life that I couldn't provide myself. Now I am not saying I was suicidal this week, but having that support made a difference. It hasn't had that effect before and do you know why? It is because until this year I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. Yes I have had conversations with Catherine and family members, but I've never truly opened up and to a large extent I still haven't reached that point. But when I decided to write about my experience it was the beginning of that journey. It made talking to friends and family about what I was feeling a whole lot easier. It even meant that I could be open with complete strangers because once you've written a blog about depression and posted it on Facebook there really is nowhere to hide.

In the past when someone asked me if I was ok my standard response would be "yeah great thanks". Even if I was feeling low I'd always have energy for other people, it was part of my job at the time, so I had to be strong, happy and energetic. When you are faking it though that is the most tiring thing in the World. You want to just say "actually I feel like shit, I'm really tired and I could do with a week of sleep", but you think that people would think less of you so you don't. If I had been honest with myself and opened up then I probably would've avoided the numerous occasions when I contemplated suicide. But that would've required me to be open from before I was ten and at that stage I didn't know as much as I do now! I now know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you though, because being honest with yourself is the only path you should choose. Otherwise you will always be trapped.

A lot of my mental issues come from way, way back and I have only just begun to touch on them with proper help. But like when you need to lose weight, get fitter or just learn something new it takes time and a lot of steps and stages before you get somewhere. The beauty of R U OK? day is that the simplest genuine enquiry into how someone is feeling could make a profound difference in their lives. It could literally bring them back from the black hole they were about to fall down. Perhaps not immediately like some kind of Superman moment, but as a ripple spreading out through their life. So even though R U OK? day is over I will be continuing to ask it whenever I can, please do the same in your lives.

As I progress and get closer to the time when I will head home to England for a very important wedding, I feel clearer about my next steps. I am working on a new book (the black comedy is on hold as it's a bit too black), which will hopefully help myself and others. I know that a million books have been written before about Depression, but I wanted to write something that is lighthearted and practical for both sufferers and their friends and family. At the moment I am working on the structure and asking any of my friends that have suffered with Depression or had a family member go through it to help me out. If you want to offer your experience then I'd be most grateful as I would like to include a few different perspectives. I think that a multifaceted approach to Depression is the only way to combat it and that requires support from friends, treatment from professionals, self help, exercise and nutrition.

For now I'll leave it at that because I still have my meditation to do before bed. Until next time.

R U OK?

RAAAAA!

In my last post I wrote about progression and how I have to work at myself (so to speak) everyday. Yesterday was a strange one for me, I had work, I meditated, I saw friends, I was content. But under the surface I could feel something bubbling away. It came as a feeling and developed into a thought before becoming something louder, like a drunk friend that won't shutup, it annoyed me. The thought was the same self defeating, vicious cycle that I have experienced time and time again, "what am I doing with life?" Sadly this just boils down to "what is the point?" From there it is a slippery slope and I managed to distract myself enough to finish the day feeling good.

Sadly those thoughts don't go away. That's the shitter about depression. It's not as obvious as looking at someone and seeing that they aren't themselves. Inside those with depression are fighting a battle of their own, separate to what the World can throw at them. It can seem as thought that person is distracted, absent, daydreaming. If only you really f*cking knew!

So today was much like yesterday and I got stuck into work. A couple of things came up that needed dealing with. One was a conflict of sorts and the other just required concentration. Sadly the first almost tipped me over the edge, which would've meant the second got written off. Fortunately I used a couple of my newly learnt tools to bring me back from the edge (namely breathing and coping thoughts) and a strange thing happened. I was obviously worried about this conflict and had been proactive in dealing with it, but I was avoiding the necessary evil, calling the person. From seemingly nowhere a voice in my head said "just call him". This started to build until I was embodying Shia LaBeouf's TED talk and shouting "just DO IT!" So you know what happened? I just did it. I made the call to the man and I explained exactly what I was thinking in one of the most confident actions of my recent life. It was powerful. After that call I pulled down an imaginary ceiling and roared. I literally roared.

Sounds strange huh! But the reason this stupidly small moment had meaning was because I could see the darkness and yet something had changed. It's not a miracle, I haven't found God. I have worked hard to get to this point and I would give up any success I've ever had (except my wife) not to have to feel this way at all. I won't feed the dragon by talking about those negative feelings, but that infinitesimal change is proof to my mind that it is changing for the better. As Sam Cooke once sang, "A change is gonna come."

A big thanks to my friend C whose dulcet tones are a pleasure to listen to.

I'll leave you with this to work with. Lately when I've encountered difficulty I've used this simple tool. I take three good breaths and then say to myself 'I will get through this'. It is one of many tools I use, but when you lose your shit you need the simplest one to get you through that moment and survive to get better. Please don't forget that you can feel better.

Are you ok?

Tom