Yesterday was a sunny 30 degree day in Sydney. Of course it wouldn’t be complete without some fear added to the mix, which my brain supplied readily. As I often tell people Depression is not necessarily about your situation, in fact I’d dare to suggest it has nothing to do with it. It is more to do with the thought processes, the chemical soup in the brain and the physical feelings the sufferer goes through. If it were as simple as looking outside thinking “oh it’s a beautiful day!” and actually carrying that feeling through the day then I would be a much happier man. That is the dream, that one day I can bring my mindfulness to a level where I am consistently content.
Anyhow I am getting off track here. I think the reason for this post was to show what my mind went through yesterday, to give another example of what a rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings each day is. This is not a “Woe is me” post, I don’t do that and frankly don’t have time for whingers. It is just to show you the process I go through, because when I write it down it helps me to identify where I can improve.
I started work yesterday at 730am. Before leaving the house I had eaten a huge breakfast as part of my new diet (eating more), I was feeling positive. My task for the day was to drop business cards at homes across Double Bay for Steve. It is a lovely area to walk around and not a hardship to walk the streets looking at all the incredible homes. Before setting out I did my daily meditation practice. I did a lot of walking and covered many homes through the morning, finishing up at Double Bay ferry terminal in time for lunch. I took my lunch to the small beach there and sat down to eat and watch the boats bob up and down as the waves came in with a good wind. I sat there and felt really good, I was being mindful of everything around me and it was as though I’d never suffered with depression.
My mind went clear as I ate my lunch and that’s when the chatter began. “What are you doing? What are you doing with your life?” This is just one of many recordings I have listened to for years. It can be useful for pushing me to do new things, but it has in honesty left me an inconsistent fool. I’ve started so many things, but left them to wither because I’ve always felt I should be doing something else, something bigger. The curse of a free modern mind is that lots of us feel we have to do something significant, we just don’t know what. From this thought process I end with the answer “What is the point? What am I here for?” These are self defeating, will never have answers and actually push me well into the darkest places. They are the reason I have thought of suicide in the past. Perhaps I am simplifying it a little as there is more negativity than what I wrote, but I won’t put that here. Let’s just say that it is a relentless circle, which until now I have struggled to remove myself from.
However now is a different story. This is where it gets interesting. Since starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meditation I have started to see the above situation rationally. I have been given some excellent tools to deal with the thoughts and create new ones (more about that later). The above was an intense feeling and I think it has gotten worse in some respects, almost as though my brain is fighting the changes I am trying to implement. But yesterday I was able to just go “Stop.” I picked up my book and read a chapter to focus my mind on something else. I then walked to a coffee shop, bought a coffee and wrote about what I’d felt. By doing that I was able to think ‘this isn’t helpful’ and then move on with my day.
From there I went to the gym for session one of lifting. I was able to use the feelings of anxiety and anger that I had to great effect on those inanimate objects, once I left I felt much calmer. Conveniently I had a fortnightly psychologist session straight after, so I was able to recant my day’s travails. It just happened that she had some new tools for me to try when my negative thought processes kick in. I have them with me now as a kind of first aid pack to reach for when shit gets real. At the end of the day you just have to arm yourself with as many weapons as possible to beat the brain into submission and create new thoughts.
Creating new thoughts was what I spoke with my Therapist about yesterday. Once I am able to neutralise the negativity I have to create new thoughts and repeat them in order to change the physiology of my brain and ensure it uses the good, helpful thoughts rather than the negative stuff. Simple really! Like I have said before it takes practice and consistency to ensure a change takes place, you can’t dabble in this stuff and get good results. Fortunately I have an excellent audio track from my friend Cj, which I am using to enforce the positive message I need in the next steps. If you are interested you should check it out (you don’t need to be depressed to benefit ;)):
Well that is about it from me for now. I will endeavour to update you with my progress when I’ve smashed a few head demons.
Are you ok?
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