At the weekend I caught up with my friend Andrew and as usual we got into a great discussion about life. Our conversation is normally based around realism and truth, but to anyone listening in we probably sound like two grumpy old men. I don’t dispute this. We are two grumpy old men, but at least we are happy to embrace it and not fake being happy and excited when we are not.
This weekend our conversation focused around my last blog post in which I wrote about an anxiety episode from that week. The burning question from the episode was “what are you doing with your life?” So Andrew and I talked that through at length, reducing my anxiety about those thoughts and leaving me feeling calm and content.
In short there is no answer to that question or any that your brain conjures in regards to your life aspirations, because it comes from a place of negativity. It is not a thought that can be reasoned with because it has no answer that will satiate it. I am still working on where and when that thought process began, but so far I have gone back over 20 years and can remember times when I experienced it. As a slight deviation from topic I find that last sentence hilarious because I can’t remember positive experiences nearly as well or what I did at the weekend for fun. But I can vividly picture a moment I punched my bedroom cupboard in anger at myself 15 years ago! Interesting…
Regardless of the memory defect I am confident that I have had this voice in my head for many, many years. Despite the worry it gives me it also has driven me to do things that I may not have thought I could do. From training to become a fitness trainer to running a marathon it has pushed me (along with my sheer stubbornness) to achieve a great deal. The trouble arises when you realise that nothing you do will satisfy yourself. Friends and family will applaud your achievements, but the perfectionist inside you spits on your results and demands better. The sad thing is that you could be the best in the world at something and it would never satisfy you.
So this question of “what are you doing with your life?” is both useful and unhelpful depending on my reaction to it. I have learnt through my therapy sessions to take a step back and observe my mind as an outsider. With this technique I can ask whether a thought is helpful, if I should act on it or tell my mind ‘thanks, but not today’. It certainly has come in handy this week when I made a mistake on a piece of work. Where normally I would’ve tortured myself with negative thoughts I was able to stop them at the first and actually say ‘thank you brain, but that is not helpful right now’. I then set about correcting my mistake, which was painful because I want everything to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect, you can’t always be happy when shit happens, so you just have to deal with it. JUST DO IT. So that’s what I did and although the finished product wasn’t going to meet my high standards it was good enough for the job required. If I was making a teak cabinet I wouldn’t think this way, but making something out of rough treated pine is a little different!
My thoughts since the weekend have been good. I have not been crazy high or depressively low, I have felt contentment and calm. It may be because I have been working all week and have done three lifting sessions at the gym. Finding the balance for my life has been the aim of late and it is a trickier equation than you might think. There are a lot of elements to consider and it takes consistent hard work. I won’t lie, I find it tough at times to keep going. The question still pops up and it will be there for a while until I create a new though process to replace it.
Fortunately I have taken a great deal from the mindfulness meditation practice that I have been using over the last 2-3 months. I am able to focus more on the here and now and enjoy what I am doing rather than worry about what I will do in the future. I still have goals to achieve, such as completing my Australian carpentry qualification before the end of the year. I am also working on a new book about Depression, which I think will help me as well as others. So in summary I have no answer to any big questions, but I am ok with that. I will strive to do something important with my life, but I am now better equipped to manage my mind and ensure that it doesn’t drive me into a hole.
Catherine and I will soon be heading back to England for the end of October, so I hope to have more to share when I am on holiday. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are in the world, just remember you will be OK.
Are you ok?
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