Love yourself

This post has nothing to do with self-love, I just hoped that I could lure you in. Actually it does have a little to do with being kind to yourself and accepting that shit happens. 

I’ve been useless again lately having built up a load of great tools for my mental health. I’ve let my mind get “busy” and that routine has slipped. But the benefit of improving my mental stability is that I no longer beat myself up when I don’t do something I planned. Yes routine is great, but shit happens and I am no saint. The great thing about where I am now is that I am balancing areas of my life that are different to before and feeling much calmer about it all.

Over the last few months I have been pretty consistent with podcasting, but I let it slip a week or two ago. This was mainly due to focusing on work and preparing for interviews. But also because getting guests to commit to a time that fits into my schedule is difficult. Like I said before though, sometimes you have to just be cool with things changing and roll with it. This week I was able to interview two guests and have another lined up to record tomorrow. Perhaps the best thing I could do was miss a couple of weeks in order to show me what I really needed to do, get a bloody wall planner!

This week’s interviews had me talking to two more great friends, David and Hana. They both had some great insight into mental health and produced some brilliant tools that anyone can use. Hana inspired me to get a wall planner to track my habits and make it obvious what I need to do. David has a brilliant mind (as dark as mine) and is always a pleasure to talk to. The more I do these interviews the more I learn and develop my questioning of my guests. The one thing I am learning is to shut the hell up and let people just talk, when I do that they produce some right gems of wisdom.

The only thing I wanted to share before I sign off is that I have been using the Five Minute Journal to help improve my mood and focus. If you haven’t heard of it then you should Google it. Tim Ferris loves it and has used it consistently for a long time now and I find it the easiest tool to improve my mental state. You don't need to buy the journals, I certainly haven’t, but use it for a week and see how you get on. I am certain you’ll find it useful.

The latest podcast episode is up and this the first time a woman has joined me to talk about mental health. The only reason I have focused on male guests is because most men are useless at talking about it. However anyone that has experienced mental health problems can contribute to the conversation and inspire others with their habits and passions. So going forwards you’ll get to meet all sorts of wonderful guests as I explore mental health and what we can do to manage it successfully.

Here’s to healthy, calm mind.

Tom :)

Broken record

I must sound like a broken record each time I post a blog entry nowadays. Talking of how long it has been since my last confession at the church of the latter day grumpy man. But as has always been the case I have always come back to writing when I needed it, or felt I had something worthwhile to share. Perhaps today it is a little of both.

Over recent months I’ve been “busy” with work and the podcast amongst other things. But without a daily structure I’ve let my healthy habits wane and have noticed the old feelings of anxiety and dark thoughts return. Fortunately like a wisened old baboon I have enough self-awareness nowadays to return to the old ways of meditation, writing and exercise in order to rein in this mischievous mind.

One particularly troublesome day this past weekend I was fortunate enough to have a friend to talk to, that understood the feelings of anxiety. He highlighted the need for me to focus on my weak points, to work at structuring my day and completing tasks, not leaving things unfinished, no matter how small they may be. Much like I have done with other areas recently it is about concentrating on those little things and performing them consistently. Small tasks like loading the dishwasher, making the bed or completing a long overdue job are the starting point. 

So I began Sunday evening with the simple things by tidying my tool room a.k.a the spare room. Then I planned my day off with diary entries for the tasks I needed to complete. This was as much to hold myself accountable as it was to avoid the anxiety of free time that I have felt lately. The immediate satisfaction of clearing out and organising my things left me feeling much more relaxed for the evening and reminded me how simple it is to change this fickle mind. The next day I got a ton of tasks done, whilst still enjoying my day off and without feeling anxious at all.

The last couple of days has demonstrated how easy it can be to control my anxiety. By controlling the small tasks and planning my days I have seen immediate relief. When it comes to my depression it is also straightforward; I just need to read, write, eat a balanced diet, exercise regularly, talk openly, meditate, learn and grow and play. Straightforward really. 

As I was off last week I have only produced a short podcast episode which you can listen to via Soundcloud or via the Podcast app on your iPhone (The Two Faced Man). This Friday I’ll have a new episode up and I’ll fill you in on my progress then.

Until then keep up your own action and have a fine week,

Tom :)

Introducing... Vi Saez

I wouldn't normally post twice a week, but I have been working on a few different ideas lately that go hand in hand with my podcast and the upcoming book. My hope with both the podcast and this blog was always to get other people's insights into mental health, mental strength and tools to help with the mind. One of these new ideas is to let other people do the talking, or rather writing. 

So I am signing off here until next week, but I want to introduce you to my friend Vi. She is a talented, beautiful person that I knew was on the same wavelength as me from the moment we had a proper conversation. To coin a phrase I use it was "real talk" and in that five minute chat over lunch I knew I needed to find out more. 

Stay tuned to hear from more inspirational people in the coming weeks.

"Rather than being your thoughts and emotions, be the awareness behind them" - Eckhart Tolle

For the past 10 years spirituality has been an imperative part of my personal growth. I understand that life can be tough, confusing, mysterious, amazing, unique, crazy and it can even suck! Of course it can! BUT it is all in our choices every moment and every single day we wake up we have choices, it is also in how we choose to react to every situation that has or will occur in our lives. This is how I see it, life is about experiences, good, bad and ambiguous, sometimes you get to choose these experiences and most times they just happen, you have no choice or say at all in them, you have to flow with it, but as any human being would, we resist or we just don't accept certain situations. These particular moments allow us to learn a lot about ourselves, to know who we really are,… nobody ever told our great grandparents, grandparents or our parents... or anyone that we needed to live through experiences in order to grow spiritually and learn from them to find our true selves.

Today, all we think about is the future, many families, parents or family friends ask their children or grandchildren all the time: "What would you like to be when u grow up?" "Have you thought about what you want to study in university?" ...And when we get married "when are you having children?" ...if we have partners they ask "when is the engagement/wedding?" "When are you moving in together?" "When are you buying a home together?" So on and so on. 

We are constantly living in the future or the past, our parents, our environment, our culture programs us to be this way, society programs us to be this way, and this is the beauty of it all… well, sort of... well not really, BUT imagine if we knew everything and we didn't need to go through these experiences? It would be boring, right?. 

Let me share with you part of my journey. A few months ago, I felt as if there was a deep deep sense of emptiness in my heart, I had never felt this way before, it felt like I had no purpose in my life,... this was very unlike me, I felt lost for the very first time in my 39 years, this went on for months, I had feelings of depression and anxiety, all I wanted to do was retrieve myself from everything in my life, yet, I forced myself to be present everyday, I had to be aware of what I was feeling at that moment and work with what I had... I had to do my best to understand where all these feelings were coming from, I had to face past experiences that I thought I had left very deep deep down in my heart and I thought I was over them. I thought... wait a minute, if I don't face these now, then I could possibly keep falling even further into this deep sadness surrounded by very unloving feelings towards myself and my past would keep creeping out very slowly, It would have been worse, so, I didn't give myself a choice to give up to these feelings, and of course I couldn't do this to my son... I had to show him that if I was capable of getting out of this, that life is what it is, good and bad, that if he ever went through this he would be like me, find out where these feelings are coming from, understand them, work daily to overcome the difficult journey and come out the other end having learnt something about himself and that experience.

During this journey, my mind wondered around non stop everyday, day and night, it travelled to the future and back to my past, I spent a lot of my time wondering about how I could or would have changed certain situations and how I could avoid certain things in the future. It was all very confusing and hurtful. At this point, I would live every single day surrounded by assumptions and my imagination (both ego driven of course, because anything that is unlike love is ego driven). I now know that I had to let go of the past, and the worst part is… that we all somehow allow the past (mistake or choices) define who we are today, which is completely crazy to do! This robs us of having a great life now! There is no use holding on to that past... or the future in that matter, these don't change a thing, if you think about it, these only waste your time, are you willing to spend your time (or life) today thinking about tomorrow or even yesterday? Are these beneficial in anyway? Can you change your past? Do you know what the future holds for you?... I bet your answer will be no, of course not. 

I ended up finding a way to improve my life,... let me tell you, it is a very slow process but it works, you have to be consistent and disciplined, respect what you feel and acknowledge it. I was able to work with the feelings of being lost, the sadness, emptiness, anxiety and depression by turning the attention towards the essence of who I am today (right now, NOT yesterday or years ago or tomorrow or a couple of years in the future,...right now),... so for me, meditation and working towards living a life with daily intentions has helped me very much. Everyday I work towards being a better version of myself for me, for my family and people around me, it is all about self love, compassion and acceptance of who we truly are.

Now let's do a little exercise, you can do this everyday anywhere you want, it only takes a couple of minutes, give yourself 10-15 minutes of you whole day:

Close your eyes, take a nice deep healing breath and feel how the hot air comes out of your nose slowly, repeated this 3 times, feel the place you are in, listen to your surroundings, observe how your heart beats in your chest, observe how you physical body feels, listen, just be the observer of your feelings and thoughts at that moment and let them pass, if you feel like your mind drifts off bring it back to your breath, observe from the inside out, now ask yourself who is the observer?

Open your eyes observe how you feel, are you feeling stillness? Peaceful?

That... that is you, you are the present moment, you are that stillness, you are the peaceful feeling, you are not what happens outside you. Always remember that.

A huge thank you to my fellow spiritual friend Tom for allowing me to pour my heart out about life experiences and spirituality.

With infinite love and gratitude,

Vi 

Tools

As I am having a writing block at the moment I thought I would tap out a short blog post to update you on what's been going on lately.

After speaking with my mate Justin on the last Grumpy Man podcast episode I took a leaf out of his book and got organised. If you haven't listened to the episode I'm speaking of then I'll explain it to you briefly here. In each episode I ask what daily habits my friend has that help them to keep a calm mind day to day. Justin told me that he writes down one daily, weekly and monthly goal. When he completes his daily goal he ticks it off, giving a sense of accomplishment to his day. If he doesn't do it he doesn't stress about it, but just rolls it over to the next day. His weekly tasks might be a little larger and range from the necessary chores to more personal aims. Naturally his monthly goals might be to do with personal projects or to further career or life goals. The importance of writing down what your goals are and organising the small details can't be stressed enough.

Another habit that Justin spoke of is also one of my personal favourites. Each morning he makes his bed. That's it! It's that bloody simple. It is a habit that I had years ago and let wane as I let my depression get the better of every facet of my life, even the simplest tasks. But I found it again and it is one of the small things I do each day in order to set myself up for success with my day. After all if you cannot take care of the small, simple things in your life then what hope is there for the big stuff?

On a different note Catherine and I recently found out that we have permanent residency in Australia, so at least we can't get kicked out of the country for outstaying our welcome!

I''l leave you with the words that inspired me to take care of the little things in life. I'd encourage you to read or listen to Admiral McCraven's book: Make Your Bed: Little Things That Can Change Your Life...And Maybe the World

Tom :)

"If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can't do the little things right, you will never do the big things right.

And, if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made — that you made — and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.

If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed." - Naval Adm. William H. McRaven

Distractions

I am nothing if consistent. Consistently bad at posting consistently that is. So here I am at 10pm at night tapping out a post because I have been inspired by what a friend told me this evening. I may have had many distractions over the weeks, but for now I have given up the temptation of bed in order to spill a little ink on the page. For some reason this always seems the best time for me to write, the moment when I am too tired to think and what comes to mind is guided straight onto the page without editing. Naturally this doesn't mean that any of what you will read is any good, but it feels good to type it nonetheless. I believe that we could all benefit from creating something just for the process of it, without care or thought for the outcome, nor what others may think. It's taken me a damn long time to come to that conclusion in my mind and boy does it feel good.

So other than distractions what do I have to share on this occasion? Well in brief but exciting news I have a new role at work, Catherine and I got permanent residency and my mind continues to behave itself. The latter being because it has been kept busy with the former and with the help of my work friends who are a constant source of inspiration. In short this means that I can stay in Australia indefinitely in order to continue my work on myself and hopefully for other people with mental health improvement.

Over the last few weeks I have begun on a new fitness journey with DK Fitness, doing two sessions a week of functional training. Aside from not walking properly in the days after I have noticed the fitness improvement. My test? The Coogee stairs. Having completed it last week with a much lower average heart rate and less tired legs I am glad to see the fruits of my labours already. The aim is to do it once per week along with functional training and a little commuter cycling in order to get fitter than I was ten years ago. Bloody hell let's hope I can survive!

My writing has taken a decided downturn of late as I have focused on work and my new podcast The Grumpy Man in which I talk to friends about their passions and their daily habits. The aim is to see how they keep a calm and stable mind day to day and identify tools and patterns that we could all benefit from using ourselves. It has been a great exercise as I have learnt so much about my friends and also engaged in open and honest discussion with other men around mental health. Something I don't think we do enough of in today's society. My long term goal is to speak to 100 different men and not only learn from them, but share their experiences with mental health in order to help other men talk about theirs.

As I said above my writing has been on the back burner, but I have still managed to make some edits to the Grumpy Man book. I am going to set a final release date here and now in order to make myself accountable to you. Yes you, the internet, the blank face that I talk to. By doing this I can at least release something at long last, stop my pathetic procrastination and ADD tendencies and publish this bloody book! Alright here goes. I will release the Grumpy Man book on...hang on what month is it now? May? Ok. Damn it's May already? Ok. Well I kind of had this thing on in May, so maybe... no dammit I will publish this book on June 1st. Yes let's do this! Oh shit...

One of the things I have discovered with my writing, the podcast and my recent fitness escapades is that the less I include my brain on the deal the better. If I could leave my head at home and trudge around headless I would invariably screw up more often, I mean I'd bump into a lot of stuff to start with, but I'd also just get shit done. That's what I have found with the podcast. I had no idea how to make a podcast a month ago (some might say I still don't), but after some brief research I discovered it isn't that difficult. You set yourself up with a mike and just talk. It helps if you have somebody to talk to admittedly and it's better still if they are interesting or funny. But ultimately the basics are a piece of cake, the rest is icing and sprinkles. 

So without thought I have produced something in very little time. It may not change the world, but it may well change mine. Consistently showing my brain that it isn't needed and that I can produce content without it raining negativity is a huge step in my mental health. Perhaps the next step is to keep doing it consistently and improve. Hmm there's a decent thought.

This week I will be speaking to a couple of guests and as usual I will have a new episode out on Friday morning. If you'd like to contribute to the podcast or blog or just want to speak with a grumpy man then drop me a line at tjalfry@icloud.com

Tom :)


"You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks." - Winston Churchill

Podcasting bidness

It's been a little busy since I last wrote, but I thought I would sit down and type something out as I have had a busy evening of being creative. Well I've been editing the next episode of the podcast, but I feel that is still creation of a form.

This week I got to sit down for beers with Mr James O'Brien to talk to him about his passions, his pet peeves and how he would create a society that could benefit us all. Needless to say that beer played it's part in lubricating our thoughts and throats, so if you have a boring bus journey and need something for your friday then check it out right here.
Or read through the post and you can listen to it at the end of this post.
For all those podcast keenos I'll have it on iTunes as soon as the lovely people over there authorise it.

I will keep this short as it's late and I have to get some brain sleep (I've given up on the beauty), I've noticed one important thing this week. Time flies. I know I've probably bashed you over the head with it before by telling you about how we need to take action, live for the moment, blaa-dee-blaa-blaa-blaa. But it's true and I'll tell you why. We are lucky to have a comfortable existence. Even if you don't have a lot of money, you are still well off and comfort breeds idleness. I don't mean that you sit on your arse all day watching daytime reruns of Dallas. No I mean that we don't push ourselves to go after what we really want. We may appear to be moving toward a life of our choosing, but we do it very slowly. 

If you were told you had 12 months to live, what action could you take today to move you closer towards your life goals. Barriers would be overcome, mental blockages removed, all because we have no time left. I admit it might be difficult to imagine that you are dying and that you only have a year, but if you take even a moment to think about it I bet you'll gain clarity on at least one problem in your mind. 

For me this began with this blog, then the book I'm writing and now the podcast. All were challenges that I wanted to overcome. They may seem small and inconsequential to you, but in my mind they were barriers to progress. 
In all honesty you probably won't die in a year and you'll live a perfectly happy existence without trying overly hard. You'll probably be reasonably successful and enjoy the fruits of our consumerist society within a pretty safe and stable developed nation. As much as the media wants you to believe we are under threat by terrorists and that the world will end in nuclear war, it probably won't. The world is a dangerous place, granted, but not as dangerous as we have it made out to be. Let's face it, if it was we'd probably all be pursuing our passions, giving two fingers to the government and not working in retail.

Tom :)

“As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters.” 

― Seneca

Being creative

Since returning to work at Apple at the Sydney store I have been reminded how many talented people work there. We are blessed with a cacophony of characters, from musicians to photographers and artists to comedians. Often we don't get to see what their passions are whilst working, so I thought it would be great to talk about. My subsequent podcast aims to highlight what my friends' passions are and see if we can learn from them in order to help our mental health.

Although my aim with The Grumpy Man Podcast it is to get people talking about mental health (in a roundabout way) it is enabling me to get to know the friends I work with. As much as we may enjoy what we do, we have a life away from work, a personal side we don't show to just anyone. That is what I am interested in learning about, to understand what fulfils people, what satiates their appetite for life. It has taken me a bloody long time to realise that what I love to do can help other people and the latter has always been my raison d'être. 

I realised when I was editing the first episode of my podcast how much I was enjoying it. I had an excitement about something that I haven't felt in a long time. It's sad to say but I don't get excited about anything in the way I used to. I feel like those rabbits in the Duracell adverts, the ones that have the "other" brand in them. So when something lifts my spirits I take notice. With that in mind I would love to hear from anyone that would like to contribute to the podcast. I just want people to be themselves and talk about their passions, what makes them say "hell yes!"

I'll leave it there for now as I'm making progress on my book and am determined to get it published before I die. 

Tom :)

"Time is precious, momento mori." - Me.

P.S Episode two of the podcast will be out this friday. Stay tuned to hear Michael continue his talk about what he loves.

Mr Michael Hanney

This is just a short post to introduce the first episode of "The Grumpy Man Podcast". My good friend Michael sat down with me last Monday and agreed to be my guinea pig for this foray into the world of podcasting. He was a fantastic guest who spoke with honesty and sincerity and I couldn't have hoped for a better person to speak to. This whole journey is a test to see how I progress and so I am a bit all over the shop in these first recordings.  I haven't edited too much, so that I can hopefully track an improvement in my interviewing style and confidence over the weeks and months ahead. I apologise for anything that doesn't sound quite right on the podcast, that is all my fault as a beginner editing with GarageBand for the first time!

My hope with this podcast as with my writing is to draw a little more light onto mental health and get people talking about it more openly, especially the men out there. Soon I'll have this blog and the podcast on my website, but as it is still a work in progress I will just embed them here. Soon enough I'll submit them to iTunes for ease of subscribing too.

If you would like to share your passions and tools for dealing with mental health then please feel free to contact me at tjalfry@icloud.com

Until next time,

Tom :)


"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength." - Marcus Aurelius

Podcasting

I've been writing for years now and although I may not be an expert I thought I would develop my skills in another area, namely podcasting. Over the last few months I have been drawn to things that I have an overriding and irrational fear of, as you can imagine this has been a bag of laughs. One of the things I am particularly uncomfortable with is listening to my own voice, namely any recording of my voice. As I have been writing my book to help with mental health I thought it would be useful to also have an audio format for those that don't read real good and stuff. So I am killing two very fat birds with one pebble, here's hoping it works.

Last night was the first recording session for my new podcast "The Grumpy Man". I was joined by my fantastic friend Mr. Michael Hanney at The Barber Shop bar in Sydney's CBD, a chilled venue conveniently located around the corner from where we work. My goal with this podcast is for it to be relaxed and feel as though you are having a drink with friends. Hopefully when you listen you won't just think that we sound like two pissed old men talking shit, but rather that you'll draw similarities with your own experience and situation. My chat with Michael covered a great number of things, but the overriding focus was discovering what each of us do to stay mentally balanced and healthy when suffering with depression or anxiety. I am finishing off editing tomorrow morning, so I hope to have it all released by the weekend. Unfortunately for you we were having a bloody brilliant time and talked a great deal, so this chat will be a two parter! I'll keep you updated here when it is ready and will probably host it on my website www.tomalfry.com which is undergoing some work as we speak.

I plan on having a few other great friends on the show to talk shit and drink beer with me in great venues. If you are interested in telling a little of your story and sharing your own experiences with mental health then please feel free to get in touch at tjalfry@icloud.com. My aim has always been to make it easier for people to talk about depression, especially men who seem about as good at talking as wearing high heel shoes.

I'll leave you with some wisdom from my childhood idol,

Tom :)

"He who is not courageous enough to take risks will accomplish nothing in life." - Muhammad Ali

Hell yeah!

I read a great piece of advice recently that you can apply to anything in life. It went something like this, unless something makes you go "hell yeah!" say no and don't do it. Too often we agree to do things without thinking them through or against our better judgement i.e our gut feel. We agree to do things at work, for friends and for family that we don't want to do, but feel obligated to help with. We put our energy into something that is the exact opposite of what we should be putting it into. It chips away at us, it slowly degrades our excitement and it causes unnecessary stress. I know because I've done it for years, I'm a master of it. For some reason saying no thank you or declining an opportunity is seen as a negative, when actually we all need to curate our time and output.

Personally this is something I have been working on over several months as it makes me uncomfortable in saying no, in declining an invitation. Yes is built into me because it avoids any conflict (at least in the short term), everyone loves someone that is agreeable. In the past I would say yes to so many things just because they were opportunities. However what I really should be doing is pausing, trusting my gut and taking the time needed to think things through. Then at least I can make a calculated decision that doesn't cause problems down the line.

If we look at the "hell yeah!" process from another angle it makes sense in every way. Too often we end up in jobs doing things that we are good at, possibly even great at. We excel in areas without a thought, with ease and confidence. Yet if someone was to ask us if we enjoyed what we do the answer would probably be indifference. We'd say "I suppose so" or "it's not bad". But would we say "hell yeah!" Just because we are great at something doesn't mean that we love what we do or even that it gives us satisfaction and reward.

I've done a lot of jobs over the years out of boredom, from a need to keep moving and progressing somewhere in life, not ever knowing where that somewhere is. That was always a big part of my depression, I couldn't stick with things that I wasn't excited about and that hurt me. I became good at jobs out of a desire to please other people or because my perfectionism reared it's ugly head. I say the latter in the negative because the only good that comes from it is for others, perfectionists are never happy with their endeavours.

From the outside looking in we see what people are good at but never stop to ask them what they want to do, what they are passionate about. What makes good people great is the self-awareness to play to their strengths whilst developing their weaknesses. They are confident without being dicks, they take on a challenge, but ask for help from those that have mastery in their weak areas. They do what's right for number one first and don't spread themselves too thin helping everyone else.

Like the old saying says "don't judge a book by it's cover." However people present themselves we should remember to read into their story and turn the pages. In doing so we can realise their strengths and weaknesses as well as our own. More importantly we might find out what really matters and discover what makes us say "hell yeah!"

Tom :)

"It's not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It's because we dare not venture that they are difficult." - Seneca

Over the coming weeks I will be investigating ideas and tools in my new podcast with the aim of improving mental health. If you feel like joining me on an episode then drop me a line at tjalfry@icloud.com

RMR (really mean rabbit?)

Really mean rabbits aside the above acronym actually means resting metabolic rate and I had it tested today, the results were interesting to say the least.

  It might not make much sense to you, but the top table is the one to focus on. The figure of 2,578 kcals a day is what I should be eating just at pure rest. The figure of 3,764 kcals a day is what I should be consuming in order to function effectively at my current activity level.

I can pretty much guarantee that I am not eating anywhere near enough calories. Even on my current keto diet I'm hitting closer to 2,800 per day. To say I am on keto is a little lie as it has become more like a low carbohydrate (carb) diet now. Especially since I've incorporated a little more of the good stuff this week in order to sleep better. If you didn't know carbs are a great source of seratonin, a neurotransmitter that helps with sleep, mood and appetite. It seems like I'm finding excuses for carbs, but the amounts I've eaten have been small, honest!

As well as the test I had a consultation afterward with the exercise scientist Matthew. Other than the need to increase my daily calorie intake he showed me that the keto may not be working. What you can't see on this photo is that 96.8% of my calories during the test came from carbohydrates. This is more than annoying because if keto was proving to be successful then the calories would be coming from my fat stores. I won't fully pass judgement on keto until after my body fat scan in a week, but I will be changing the macro nutrient percentages going forwards. After consultation with Matthew I am going to change those amounts to 25% carbs, 35% protein and 45% fats. I'll keep you updated on my progress in the coming weeks. Photos of cheat meals to follow ;)

Today I have been relatively busy trying to finish off the editing of my first podcast, which will go live on my website soon. This blog will also move to that site soon too, just as soon as I finish off all the other components! I'll tell you one thing though, recording a podcast is much harder than writing. I know I should probably edit these posts a little more, but if I did I'd never publish anything. That my friends has been the problem with the podcast, listening to your voice is painful to say the least and I've spent hours repeating parts to get it right. Nevertheless I will soon have a short weekly podcast to go along with this blog. It will be covering tools to help improve mental health, everything from nutrition to meditation and fitness training. Let me know if you have any tools that you use or topics to discuss, soon enough I'll be looking for people to interview!

Right I'm off to eat more calories, catch you tomorrow friends!

Tom :)

"If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favourable" - Seneca

What I learnt from coffee and Alpacas

Today I was reminded that coffee isn't always my friend, especially when I consume two of the fuckers before 9am and then stand in one spot until the afternoon. But hopefully this is one of those occasions when I actually learn from my mistakes. I am going to cut the caffeine down from tomorrow onwards, after all nobody needs a twitchy Tom. But what did you learn from the bloody Alpacas! Well they take a great photo don't they?!

This morning during my hour long cycle with Gavin around Centennial Park we talked about the benefits of exercise on the mind and why it is so important to do something regularly. However I may have taken this conversation a little far when I ran intervals for an hour after work. As I write this I am waiting for the full feeling to return to my limbs. Thankfully I am proper knackered and mega chilled after all this exercise, so I'm looking forward to my day off tomorrow.

After eating a large dinner I am ready for the resting metabolic rate (RMR) test that I have booked tomorrow. As I can't eat for a minimum of five hours beforehand I made sure I consumed a decent amount and will be enjoying a nice lie in. That way I will only have a few hours of not eating before the test and then a decent lunch straight after. This RMR test along with the body fat scans I have done recently will help me to determine the best way to eat for my mind and body. I love testing things out on myself not only to help myself but also other people. After all we are individuals with very different biochemistry and not sheep that can eat the same diet. There is no better way to find what works for you than use science and a good experiment. I'll let you know what the results are from tomorrow.

Following the RMR test will be my second body fat scan to see if the Keto diet I have been doing (which may have developed just to low carb) has had a positive effect. I'm hoping to see a small reduction in my body fat, which is currently sat at 14.5% and the largest I've been in a number of years. Despite this my muscle mass has actually increased on previous years, so I may be fatter but I'm not losing muscle like many do as they get older. If I can see some reduction in bodyfat then I know I am on the right lines with this way of eating because I feel the best I have in months.

Anyhow I best leave as I am off to dream of doughnuts, pizza and other carbs that I can't eat.

Until tomorrow!

Tom :)

"Eat to train, don't train to eat." - some clever bastard.

What day is it?

The last month since I tapped out a blog post has passed in a blur and I don't really know where it went. On a few occasions I have sat down in front of the computer but I've been at a loss as to what I wanted to write. Each time staring blankly at the screen in a daze before closing the lid on my efforts.
A podcast I listen to this week though reminded me of the importance of consistency and what can happen if we stick with it.

All to often we might create a healthy habit in order to fix a problem yet abandon it when we feel good. Once out of the newly developed routine we quickly fall back into old habits, after all it's easy after years of learning that. It's a frustrating experience and one that we go through time and time again, just think about all those new year's resolutions!

Personally what I have found over the last year is that unless something is stupidly easy to do everyday I won't do it. As my Dad always says "with the best will in the world" it ain't going to happen! All too often I set out with great plans of what I will do, yet get bored, distracted or just move onto something else before any real success is produced. So in order to achieve results I actually have to break things down to small achievable actions. By small I mean tiny, as simple as brushing your teeth (although even that seems to be a struggle for me). Something that you can wake up and do before your brain says, "hang on there's this easier habit you've done for the last 20 years..."

My inconsistent writing is something that I guilt trip myself about all the time. I will generally only write when I have the TV off (I'm a man and have the attention span of a Red Setter on acid), so when I sit down to watch some Iron Fist writing takes a back seat. Or I try and write in front of the TV, error. On this occasion I have prised myself away from watching my programmes in order to write a few lines. The reason I do this is because unless I sacrifice a little time each day to invest in writing I won't actually get any better at it. Nor will there be a cathartic effect unless I am consistent. I may not have goals of being a best selling author, but I like my mind feeling a little more "stable" and a little less "stabby".

I have no idea where I was going with this post, so forgive me. What I must do now is simply type a bit each day, because it is a free form of Prozac to me. With that in mind I'll leave you with a quote from someone much wiser and more historic than myself, in the hope that you too might keep plugging away with whatever you are working on.

Tom :)

"We are what we consistently do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit." - Aristotle

Fitness and the mind

I wrote a great little piece whilst sitting on the beach the other morning and was excited to share it in a blogpost with you. But as often happens I read it back to myself later and decided it was crap and didn't really have any helpful content. So as always I've returned to the drawing board that is my keyboard to tap out an impromptu post about the last few days.

Over the last few weeks I have been using a chest heart rate monitor in combination with an app called EliteHRV to monitor my internal stress levels. The app takes the data from the HR monitor and tracks the heart rate variability (HRV). HRV is the "measured changes of time intervals between successive heart beats". It is focused on the small fluctuations of the heart rate as opposed to heart rate (HR) which averages the number of beats per minute. These small fluctuations are in response to internal and external events, so they provide an accurate picture of what is occurring inside our bodies.

What does this mean?

In essence if we monitor HRV we can train intelligently by responding to what is happening inside us. I would say that most of us stick to a rigid training plan or just go on how we feel (very subjective). Using something like EliteHRV (there are other apps out there) we can look at the data and adjust our training/daily lives to manage our recovery and make the most of our 10/10 days.

I have been using it for several weeks now after my friend Cj Swaby recommended it to me. Before testing HRV I record my mood via Grid Diary so I can cross reference the two. When I feel great and excited to train is often the time when the data is telling me to take recovery, to stretch and focus on breathing exercises. On the other hand I was convinced this morning that I would need to take a rest day after two heavy days of training. I had woken up after a long sleep and didn't feel super energised. However I recorded my best data of the week and so I'm happy to cycle into work after a swim session this morning.

Aside from this amazing feedback I am fascinated by how the hard training on good days has helped my brain. I felt amazing all of yesterday after a morning of 2-3 hours cardio training. I'll admit my brain was a little rusty, but nothing out of the ordinary after that amount of work. My good mood lasted well past my 8pm shift and into the evening when I am usually Mr. Grumpy. For me this is more important than anything else and is something I will monitor with my mood tracking in Grid Diary. I have always known the benefits of exercise on the mind, but in combination with a tool as effective as EliteHRV it takes the guess work out of training and helps you balance the stresses we place on our bodies everyday.

I would highly recommend you invest in a heart rate strap (see EliteHRV website for the monitors that record the raw data) and start using the app. I am not sponsored by them, but have seen the benefits of intelligent training using their creation. It's science wrapped up in an easy to use app, so let's all start looking after ourselves properly.

Tom :)

Finding a quiet space

We lead "busy" lives today thanks to technology connecting us to everything that happens in the world. Whether we are looking at our friend's lives across the world on Facebook or listening to news events broadcast by the media, we are more connected now than ever before. I know that far better writers and thinkers than myself have explored our present day situation, one that sees us being more connected to the world yet less connected to those around us and our immediate environment. But I wanted to very briefly share what I have been working on.

I have been changing my use of technology over the last few weeks in order to connect properly with friends across the world, yet at the same time disconnect from the media and general bullshit that the internet spews up. For the most part this has been a successful endeavour and has confirmed what role technology plays in my day to day life. Realising the extent that social media is a tool for individuals and corporations alike is especially helpful in reconnecting to life and being mindful everyday. We can only challenge big issues if we are prepared to change our own lives and take action on the small scale first. As much as we may want to make an impact on the world and do something meaningful we are probably getting a bit ahead of ourselves. Our ideas and dreams are often lofty and that is cool, but without action on a basic level performed consistently how can we ever hope to be successful with the big problems. I'm not saying give up on changing the world, but rather let us focus on what we can have an effect on, i.e our local community, friends and family first. From those small steps mountains can be climbed.

On a slightly different note, but nonetheless still linked to the "busyness" of our lives I saw something noteworthy on social media this weekend. Two separate friends posted photos from the beach on Instagram sharing their love for that quiet space, their own place of calm. This popped into my mind this morning when I went to the beach for a swim. Unfortunately the shorebreak was pretty big due to the wind rolling the waves in, so I decided not to jump in the water. When nobody is out swimming you know that it's a bad idea! Instead I sat on the beach and took 30 minutes to meditate, following the mindfulness meditations I use from www.franticworld.com. It got me thinking afterward how much I love to sit on my own at the beach and watch the ocean. It has always been a quiet place for me listening to the waves and thinking about how small we are, which in turn shows how insignificant our problems are.

I am not saying that we should all head down the beach to enjoy a quiet spot. Not only is it impractical but I also don't want you all down there whilst I'm enjoying it ;)
Neither am I advising that everyone should find a quiet place. I know that extroverts across the world don't do well sitting alone in a quiet place. But for those that do find it restorative it is worth utilising that tool to reset your head. We are surrounded by stuff beeping to tell us that someone "likes" a photo of our dog, so why not try switching it off and just sitting with your day for five minutes? Find a park, a beach or your favourite dark room and just sit. Also breathe. Please don't forget to breathe because that is pretty important. But otherwise just sit. Pretty bloody simple way to balance out all this busyness in lives isn't it.

So to summarise let's sit for five and focus on what we can do for our community. I think that is a good place to begin with change.

Tom

Tools

For once I am not talking about those people in life that don't seem to have a clue and annoy the shit out of you with their existence. No I am actually talking about the things we can use to help ourselves and make life easier. I may have written about tools before, but I feel now is an apt time after a recent episode of anxiety.

That episode occurred whilst we were enjoying the HSBC Sydney sevens last Saturday. I was in a good frame of mind that morning and was looking forward to spending time with friends watching some great rugby. At first I was happy to be there watching the games, but gradually I became more and more anxious as the noise grew and more and more people came into the stadium. I sat with that feeling for some time, growing quieter as I did and thinking that it was stupid that I felt like this. But then I remembered that I had tools that I could use for exactly this situation.

So I left the stadium and walked outside away from the noise, the hustle and bustle of all the people and the stale air. I found a spot outside under the shade of a tree where I could sit down and just breathe. That's all I focused on at that moment just to settle myself and calm the feeling. Although it didn't fully alleviate the anxiety I did feel an improvement, partly because of the physical element of actually breathing deeply and partly because I felt in control. Much like when I am on a carpentry job I need different tools for different applications and situations. There's no point using a circular saw when all you need is a small block plane to achieve the result you want.

After returning to my seat from a break I had to take two more leaves of absence before we left. I just wasn't enjoying being sat surrounded by lots of people and listening to the noise. Knowing those trigger situations is part of the battle because when you realise what sets you off you can choose to avoid them. In time you want to be able to balance out what your brain does and not avoid all triggers, but at the end of the day you have to look after yourself. If that means not going to a busy shopping mall or a sports event then so be it, there are plenty of other experiences to be had.

For those that are interested I have been using the Apple Watch Breathe app lately and am trialling another called ReachOut on the iPhone. Im not sure whether the latter is available outside of Australia as the content differs from region to region with iTunes, but I am sure a quick Google search for "breathing apps for iPhone" will find you something similar wherever you are.

I know from my daily meditations how helpful breathing can be, but this last experience really brought that home to me. If I was to recommend any tool to focus on for the next week then it would be that one. Each morning devote three minutes to finding a quiet spot where you can sit undisturbed in a comfortable position. If you want to you can set a gentle alarm for three minutes. All you need do for that time is focus on breathing through your nose into your stomach. Breathe out through your mouth as though you were blowing through a straw. Don't force your breath, make it easy. Anytime in the day when you need a "breather" just find a quiet spot and repeat, your body and brain will thank you for it.

Are you ok?

Tom

Happiness, purpose and fulfilment

Back when I was a teenager I prayed to be happy. I didn’t believe in God, but I hoped that some other power would save me from my own head. It was filled with negative thinking, self doubt and pity and so I prayed to the heavens to find happiness. I wasn’t unhappy, but I believed that if I could find happiness it would stop my brain from sabotaging me. Even now I experience happiness, but the search for happiness as a state is foolish.

Perhaps my prayers to a God I didn’t believe in were answered, perhaps I just worked it out for myself because I found a solution; I began to help myself. My problem was that I didn’t talk about my mind with anyone except a couple of family members. Instead I read books and learnt from others’ personal experiences to find a way to cope. Muhammad Ali became a hero for me and Buddhism entered my world for the first time. I began to think that I had a purpose in life, but that I didn’t know what it was. Once again I started searching for an intangible solution.

Though this way of thinking brought me many great experiences, friends and teachers it didn’t end the internal suffering. I switched from job to job in order to progress forwards without every really dealing with my depression. Eventually I reached a pivotal moment where I had had enough of my brain, it was time to trade it in for a new model. It wasn’t quite as easy as that though, that model didn’t exist, so I started building it like a kit. I took tools that I had discovered, past times I loved and a personality that I had hidden and began the hard work of rebuilding my mind.

In many ways I found my solution in my own head, but it took help from professionals and many others to get me there. It is by no means a magic pill though as I am reminded each week. I manage my mind using the tools I have in order to stop that downward spiral, it’s all about consistency. I won’t ever be perfect mentally, but accepting that was the biggest step to sorting my head out. Now I get to enjoy the little things and find fulfilment in what I do each day and that is more important to me than the state of happiness and the illusion of purpose.

T

Making life simple

Over a year ago I set out with a simple goal. To reach a place where my mind was calm and I was contented. That might be two goals actually, but let's not split hairs. After a liberal dose of meditation, a dash of new habits and a whole meaty chunk of acceptance I feel I am close to that goal.

One of my aims from my book was to start making life more simple and straight forward. That means reducing the use of social media, cutting out bad/dead relationships and focusing what I can act on each day. It transpires that when you do the simple things that you love (like ride a bike or read) regularly you can dramatically change your mind's state. It's a long held belief that a healthy body means a healthy mind, something I have seen as a personal trainer over the years. Sometimes it can be the simple forms of play, time spent with friends or just watching the world go by that reset our brains. Rather than drowning in our troubles, stresses and worries we can choose to do the things we enjoy and take a moment away from thinking. In doing this we can balance out the shit in our lives which we choose to hold onto and exaggerate in our heads. I am not saying avoid the problem but rather take the time to enjoy, because when you return to those problems you'll either solve the riddle or accept them as they are, problems not physical monsters. Unless you are Harry Potter and actually have to fight physical monsters, in which case, fair play.

Look I am no bloody expert, I certainly have no fancy degree nor yogi status. But I have been in some fucked up mental places in this short life and having come out the other side I can relate to what those suffering feel. I think that in today's society it is insane that suicide rates are growing. I say that with the irony that even I contemplated it through my twenties. It is crazy because we have the technology and knowledge to help ourselves and each other a thousand times over. Yet we live our lives further apart than ever before, we have lost our communities and the simplest acts of helping each other. Lord knows that we can help ourselves, yet we revel in our misery in a masochistic way without seeking help. For change to happen we have to change ourselves and be there for others that want to change too. I hope that in some small way this blog tells those people that I am here for you.

There are no secrets to a calm and contented life, it's been around since we were pooing on the African savannah and chasing animals for a meal. So will you make your life simple? Will you choose simplicity or be a slave to the drama, the darkness of your mind and the bullshit of the modern world? I know that is what I want.

For now rant over,

Tom :)

Training, illness and the power of the mind

It's a long title I'll admit, but sometimes a description is easier and more straight forward than clever wordplay.

Having returned from the UK on Sunday with a cold (not man flu) that had me hacking up my lungs, I am now on the mend. I dipped my toe back into fitness training last Friday using a simple calisthenics program devised by Frank Medrano. If you haven't heard of him or seen his YouTube videos then just google him, it's impressive stuff. Sadly the flight made my cold a lot worse, so I got some antibiotics from the doctor to help move it along. It is steadily improving with me able to complete strength training yesterday and today. My breathing is still a struggle though, so I'll be avoiding cardio for a little longer so as not to make things worse. Next week marathon training begins in earnest so I need to make sure I am 100% before starting down that road!

The reason that I filled you in on my illness and training was to link into a focus of mine over the last few months. It is a tool that I have included in the latter stages of my book Grumpy Man because it is so powerful and yet so simple. It is quite simply about taking action. My greatest weakness (and often greatest attribute) is that I am a thinker, a daydreamer. I have always been this way and am not concerned about it at all, because I know that I can work on it through taking action.

Whether it is thinking and planning before returning to fitness after time off, or just day to day I can always have a beneficial effect on my mind, but taking the simplest path, by JUST DOING IT. Yes it is great to have a plan and be prepared, but not if it throws up barriers to you doing the work. We can talk all day about what is the best training routine or the best diet until the cows come home, but we won't get anywhere if we don't take that first step. Take my training routine for example. I don't need my gym to complete it, it is made up of simple bodyweight exercises that require no equipment. It is so easy for me to do that I don't need to think about it, worry about my technique or concern myself with the rest periods. I can JUST DO IT.

This approach is something I can apply to all of my life. By keeping the actions stupidly simple I can collect small wins, which not only help me mentally, but also break down larger goals and problems. Too often in the past I haven't started tasks because I think too much about the whole rather than just taking the first small steps of action.

My strongest habit is thinking, which leads me down paths that are often unnecessary and destructive. Having worked my way out of depression using many different tools it is now action which gives me the greatest results. It is a minnow of a habit when compared to the whale of thinking, but given enough practice and patience it will grow to be a strength of mine. If that means I take less on, but get more done then so be it. We all have to live life intelligently if we want to get the most out of it and strangely that sometimes means not thinking too hard, but just getting shit done.

Tom :)

Return home

We have returned to Sydney after two weeks away in England and then Singapore. Our trip back was great, particularly seeing family and friends, some of whom I haven’t seen for two years. But it feels good to be back here especially returning from the cold of the English winter to the heat of the Sydney summer.

Our trip was a whistle stop tour of Manchester, Salisbury, Essex, Walton-on-Thames and London, with a cheeky three day stop off in Singapore on the way home. These trips are no longer holidays so much as a family and friend catchup. Seeing everybody is a treat that we savour for the short time spent with our closest people. But everyday we see someone else and then say goodbye to them for another year or more. We cram in catchups with as many people as mentally possible because we want to see them. It is exhausting, not physically but emotionally and mentally, because saying goodbye multiple times over takes a little out of you each time. It is also a privilege to be able to experience that, because if Catherine didn’t earn what she does then we wouldn’t be saying hellos and goodbyes in person, but rather on the phone.

This may sound to you as though I am complaining and that I should be grateful that I have the opportunity. Well I am grateful, I bloody love seeing my family and friends. Would I like to see them more? Of course. But Catherine and I made the decision to move to Australia to experience a new life and travel. The cost is that we don’t live so close to those we love, we can’t just organise a weekend away to see them. Instead we live a great life near the beach with a handful of awesome friends. It’s our home where friends and family can come and visit and relax with us. I am extremely grateful for that and over the past year of improving my mental state I have come to enjoy each day I am here a great deal more.

Now that we are home I have returned to my routine of meditation, writing and reading. I am now throwing in regular exercise and a handful of other tools to create a better mental state for myself. I have not been able to finish my book by the end of 2016 as planned. But whilst away I had some great ideas and added new content to the book. The result of this is that I am following exactly what I have written because I like to practice what I preach in life. If you are interested in getting a copy of the book just send me a short email at tjalfry@icloud.com and I will send you one when it’s completed soon.

I’ll chat to you again soon but before I do I will leave you with this piece of wisdom:

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. – Lao Tzu

Tom :)