It has been awhile since my last post and there are a number of reasons for this break. Mainly because I haven't felt the need to write as I have been focussing on acting rather than reflecting. I have also been ill over the last week and that is never a good position to pickup writing from, you just feel sorry for yourself!
The 'acting' that I speak of has been the meditation program I've followed over the last six weeks. Today is the final day of week six and there are only two more weeks left of the guided Mindfulness program. It has been an eye opening experience, which has given me a lifetime tool to help with my depression. I think that once I became aware and searched for help I found the things I needed were right in front of me, easily accessible and straight forward. Meditation was something I was familiar with from an early introduction at school and then in yoga. Alongside that I re-discovered the benefits of lifting weights and the punchbag at the gym. I've also been seeing a psychologist for three weeks and the cognitive behavioural therapy is something I can use when the negative chatter begins in my head. To re-train my brain and remove negative thinking I've started using neuro linguistic programming as recommended by my brother.
This multi-faceted approach may seem like overload, but it has been a step by step plan, one that I was conscious not to rush nor overdo. I began a change the day I recognised I had a problem, one that had been an affliction without a name for so many years. For most that read this it comes as a surprise, but that just proves how good a showman I have been. I just used to think that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why I felt so low, why I hated myself so much and what the point of my life was. You could say that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, but when you feel this way at the age of 12 or 13 it breaks you a little. I can look back on so many times now and realise that I did have something wrong with me, but I wasn't alone, nor was it just a time I was going through in my life.
You often hear people talk about finding themselves or going off to some place to find themselves. As strange as it sounds the first instance I can understand. Having reached a new type of low, something changed in my mind, a little light bulb went off. I was aware of my problem in a new way and from that I chose to seek help, I chose to write about it, I chose to act on it not reflect on it with words. So now I am in the process of changing, not because I think I can rid myself of depression, but because I know that I can manage it. The end goal is not happiness but calmness. It is the ability to look at happiness and unhappiness as passing emotions, enjoy them both equally, but be unaffected by them. Not like a robot, but by a person that knows his mind and knows how dangerous emotions are to it.
I can also understand the latter instance above of people going off to find themselves. It sounds ridiculous to many. But if you have lived a certain life that has been bad for your health or pushed you to a dangerous limit then escaping that life and making a new start is what you need. 'Finding yourself' can happen anywhere, but removing yourself from danger or stagnation is necessary to achieve it.
It all sounds a little crazy when I read it over, but you know I don't care. I'm moving closer each day to the point where I don't care what people think. Where I am comfortable just being honest even if it makes others uncomfortable. At the end of the day if we can't speak our minds and be honest to what we think and believe then we are living a lie and damaging ourselves in the process. When people have asked me "how are you?" (as people do everyday without care for the answer) I have responded honestly, "not great" "bit shit really". I don't do it because I want them to say "oh poor you, what's the matter?" I do it because by being honest with myself and accepting my lows enables me to get it out of my head and move forwards with managing it. So next time you see a friend or family member don't ask how they are unless you mean it and don't dismiss them if they decide to tell you the truth.
Are you ok?
Tom
Saturday 25 July 2015
Wednesday 8 July 2015
Talking
Earlier I read a post that a friend had liked and did one of those dickish things of commenting.
The post included this photo:
Now this is a fair statement. But the reason I replied was because suicide is not a simple thing. I know that is an obvious statement, but the reason I write it is because you have to have gone through some turmoil to get to that stage. You have to be in a dark place or one filled with sadness, lethargy and hopelessness. Perhaps I generalise a little here, I know that everyone's experiences are different, but it's a fair assumption from what I've experienced.
Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.
There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.
I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.
You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.
However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.
So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough. Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.
Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.
Are you ok?
Tom
Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.
There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.
I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.
You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.
However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.
So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough. Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.
Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.
Are you ok?
Tom
Tuesday 7 July 2015
Hanging with the psychologist
Last week was a good week (alleluia they cry!) Despite working 50 hours I had my energy back, I felt normal. I managed five sessions in the gym and enjoyed my time off at the weekend, with only a little anxiety returning on Sunday.
As of yesterday I am into week three of my Mindfulness meditation course. Last week focused on the body and tuning into the sensations the body produced, what I could feel. This week is aimed at looking after the body still and working on that mind body connection. I have an 8 minute stretch meditation, followed by an 8 minute breathing version. I do that once a day and then twice a day do a 3 minute "breathing space" meditation, which is designed to calm your mind when you might get worried or stressed through the day. The whole thing is simple to do and I feel a lot calmer already. I'm proud of myself for making time to do this and be consistent with it. a The biggest change for me is looking after myself first and that requires that I balance my life in all aspects, so that I don't end up down the rabbit hole again.
The other superb thing I've achieved recently is consistency at the gym. I'm happy to be back lifting weights again and have not missed running over the last few weeks. The testosterone boost I get from lifting is huge, it makes me feel strong, which in turn is a good thing for the mind. Like meditation lifting weights doesn't allow you space to think about other things. Actually that makes it better than meditation because lord knows my mind wanders like a mofo when I am practicing! But with weight lifting you can't be worrying about shit when you are pressing 60 kilos above your face! It also gets you to tune into each muscle group that you are working, whilst breathing in a controlled manner. If you didn't want to meditate then weight lifting would be a close second for any man.
Aside from the afore mentioned successes I've also started eating more each day, which keeps me from descending into low energy depressive episodes, also know as being "hangry". This is especially important when getting in a training session after a long day, something I haven't had a problem with since eating more at breakfast and through the day. I've not eaten like this since I was in my early twenties. Perhaps I'll get back to my glory days of eating two pizzas and a dessert in one sitting ;)
With all this success I had my first psychologist appointment this morning. It was much like when you take your broken car to the garage with a funny noise. You know something is broken, but when the mechanics look at it they can't find anything wrong. As I sat talking to the lady I realised how much better I felt, that I had already come a long way in changing who I am. She told me that I couldn't have done anything more in the two weeks prior to seeing her. But as she put it there is always more tools to learn to help in the future when the darkness threatens to prevail. So from next week I start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think it is something to do with acting like a Terminator.
Are you ok?
Tom
With all this success I had my first psychologist appointment this morning. It was much like when you take your broken car to the garage with a funny noise. You know something is broken, but when the mechanics look at it they can't find anything wrong. As I sat talking to the lady I realised how much better I felt, that I had already come a long way in changing who I am. She told me that I couldn't have done anything more in the two weeks prior to seeing her. But as she put it there is always more tools to learn to help in the future when the darkness threatens to prevail. So from next week I start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think it is something to do with acting like a Terminator.
Are you ok?
Tom
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