It has been awhile since my last post and there are a number of reasons for this break. Mainly because I haven't felt the need to write as I have been focussing on acting rather than reflecting. I have also been ill over the last week and that is never a good position to pickup writing from, you just feel sorry for yourself!
The 'acting' that I speak of has been the meditation program I've followed over the last six weeks. Today is the final day of week six and there are only two more weeks left of the guided Mindfulness program. It has been an eye opening experience, which has given me a lifetime tool to help with my depression. I think that once I became aware and searched for help I found the things I needed were right in front of me, easily accessible and straight forward. Meditation was something I was familiar with from an early introduction at school and then in yoga. Alongside that I re-discovered the benefits of lifting weights and the punchbag at the gym. I've also been seeing a psychologist for three weeks and the cognitive behavioural therapy is something I can use when the negative chatter begins in my head. To re-train my brain and remove negative thinking I've started using neuro linguistic programming as recommended by my brother.
This multi-faceted approach may seem like overload, but it has been a step by step plan, one that I was conscious not to rush nor overdo. I began a change the day I recognised I had a problem, one that had been an affliction without a name for so many years. For most that read this it comes as a surprise, but that just proves how good a showman I have been. I just used to think that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why I felt so low, why I hated myself so much and what the point of my life was. You could say that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, but when you feel this way at the age of 12 or 13 it breaks you a little. I can look back on so many times now and realise that I did have something wrong with me, but I wasn't alone, nor was it just a time I was going through in my life.
You often hear people talk about finding themselves or going off to some place to find themselves. As strange as it sounds the first instance I can understand. Having reached a new type of low, something changed in my mind, a little light bulb went off. I was aware of my problem in a new way and from that I chose to seek help, I chose to write about it, I chose to act on it not reflect on it with words. So now I am in the process of changing, not because I think I can rid myself of depression, but because I know that I can manage it. The end goal is not happiness but calmness. It is the ability to look at happiness and unhappiness as passing emotions, enjoy them both equally, but be unaffected by them. Not like a robot, but by a person that knows his mind and knows how dangerous emotions are to it.
I can also understand the latter instance above of people going off to find themselves. It sounds ridiculous to many. But if you have lived a certain life that has been bad for your health or pushed you to a dangerous limit then escaping that life and making a new start is what you need. 'Finding yourself' can happen anywhere, but removing yourself from danger or stagnation is necessary to achieve it.
It all sounds a little crazy when I read it over, but you know I don't care. I'm moving closer each day to the point where I don't care what people think. Where I am comfortable just being honest even if it makes others uncomfortable. At the end of the day if we can't speak our minds and be honest to what we think and believe then we are living a lie and damaging ourselves in the process. When people have asked me "how are you?" (as people do everyday without care for the answer) I have responded honestly, "not great" "bit shit really". I don't do it because I want them to say "oh poor you, what's the matter?" I do it because by being honest with myself and accepting my lows enables me to get it out of my head and move forwards with managing it. So next time you see a friend or family member don't ask how they are unless you mean it and don't dismiss them if they decide to tell you the truth.
Are you ok?
Tom
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