Quiet

Psychology has fascinated me for years not only in my focus to help others through fitness training, but also in my own self improvement. It is interesting to know why people act in certain ways, why they sabotage their own improvement and how some can enact change as easily as changing clothes.

Recently I have written about the book “Quiet” that I have been inching my way through slowly. Having finished this excellent read it has helped me to better understand my own personality, answering multiple questions about why I act the way I do. Catherine has often said I am different at work or when with work friends compared with when I am with her. This makes more sense to me now after reading “Quiet” and understanding the deeper reasons behind that personality change.

I firmly believe that we don't always show our true characters in our everyday lives. When at work we may act more confident than we feel, showing an extroverted personality that is actually at odds with who we truly are. If we have a personality that leans toward the introverted end of the scale then this extroversion will be draining and require time to recuperate.

Personally I exhibit a level of confidence and exuberance that I don't always feel. I may enjoy talking to people and learning about them, but I find it draining, even more so when it's in a group setting. As a result I talk less after work and need quiet time to read, listen to music or write. Provided I recognise the warning signs and keep consistent with addressing the balance then I maintain good mental health.

For many people this may sound like a lot of deep drivel and that's ok. I don't really write to explain a deeper level of thinking to people, but merely to raise an awareness of it. So many of us don't take the time to think things through in life, whether that is thinking before we speak or thinking before we act. I know that I have always been guilty of the latter when it comes to my life and have begun to change that. Slowing down and considering what we say and do should not be a negative, but it often loses out to speaking first with unwavering enthusiasm.

Here's to slowing down, thinking and quiet.

T :)

Movember and on

Movember is over for another year and we are fast approaching Christmas. After setting a fundraising target of $200 I reached over $1300, which was fantastic. I'd like to say a big thank you to all of you that donated and helped men across Australia and the world defeat depression as well as prostrate and testicular cancer.

Since finishing Movember my wife is now smiling at me again and life has returned to a less hairy norm. Despite it only being a month without shaving I was shocked when I shaved my top lip and revealed my face clean shaven. Next time it may be the handle bars and an ultra marathon run to raise money, just to take it a step further!

My target of publishing my handbook is close at hand and I am still busily working on it. Originally I had planned for it to be a master piece of literary scrawl, but after a few beers decided it best to just publish the damn thing. I've simplified my approach and condensed what I want to say in this first edition in order to help men (and women) learn tools to manage depression. It is not a scientific, research backed book per se, but one that comes from my approach of learning and trialling the tools I come across and with that in mind it is a project that will never be complete.

I am currently finishing off the book Quiet. It is a great read if you are interested in the mind and personality types. I've found it an education in why we do the things we do and how we can present ourselves differently throughout our lives. It is also fascinating in understanding those closest to us who may well have the opposite personality, which in turn improves relationships.

Only a few weeks until Catherine and I return to the UK for Christmas, so I will try and post a little update soon.

Keep on keeping on,

Tom

Mo growing and more

The mo is progressing at a caterpillar like pace, but the donations are growing at a better rate. So thank you to all that have donated, it means a lot to be able to support a cause close to my head.

Dodge tache!

I have been working this week on practicing the tools in my new book and it certainly helps. Well it helps me to know whether the tools I am writing about in Grumpy Man will be simple and effective. The interesting thing for me now as opposed to previous years is that my writing is more productive. Rather than it being a tool for venting (which can be good) it has been more of a mindfulness exercise. It lets me check in with my mind, take time to think about what I have to be grateful for and dispose of shit that is floating about in my brain.

Next week I will start week two with a focus on breathing and meditation. Nothing new for me there as I already practice that, but I will probably vary the times to see how that helps. If you are interested in what I am doing then feel free to drop me a line. I am always happy to lend an ear and offer my insights into the tools I have used to manage my mental health.

Finally before I log off I would like to say thanks to the people who have supported me over the last year and more. I have a close nit group of friends and I appreciate the help you've given even if it doesn't feel like you've done anything. This book is a testament to how important real friends are in life.

How are you?

Tom :)

Book writing

Movember has been progressing well and my new found moustache is as ginger as I expected it to be. I'd like to say a big thank you to those of you who have donated as the money is going towards a cause close to my heart. Most people know that Movember raises money for Prostate cancer, but it also targets testicular cancer and helps with men's mental health and suicide prevention. The latter two are on my mind (no pun intended) and that is my focus for my fundraising this year.

If you can spare some dollars then head over to our team fundraising page here 

I am keeping this post short as I intend to update a little more in the weeks before Christmas. I have been working on my book to self publish by the end of the year and things are progressing well. I have also decided to "act out" the book as though I was reading it for the first time. This means following the steps that I have written to help others in order to understand how well it works and see if I can improve it before I publish. I am keeping the book extremely simple for this first edition, so that it can be easily picked up by those suffering with depression. In future editions I hope to incorporate more detail from other people's experiences.

I hope that you are all well and look forward to seeing some of you in England when we visit at Christmas.

How are you?

Tom :)

Dear Rob

Movember begins tomorrow and for the first time I will be growing a suitably tragic moustache to raise money for men's mental health and suicide prevention. As Movember states "three out of four suicides are men" and whilst the reasons for this are often complex there are many practical things we can do to help each other.

Talking about our experiences and sharing tools with each other are two powerful ways to help. Whilst I may be good at talking to people when it comes to the complex workings of my brain I am terrible. That is why I write and so as Movember kicks off tomorrow I thought I'd share a couple of thoughts this week, not for myself but for those friends that didn't make it through their battle with depression.

You can check my team's progress and donate here: My mobro page



Dear Rob,

It has been a little while since I wrote last, but you've been in my mind since the day you left. I recently saw your name again on a fiction novel and thought it impressive that you could find time to write from the other side. I chuckled when I thought that and knew you'd share the laugh if we were together. That is what I remember first of you mate when you come to my mind.

Though our time together as friends was brief I enjoyed every moment, perhaps not when you were talking about killing yourself, that wasn't so enjoyable. But I am glad you did, because for a short period of time you let me help and I am grateful for that. I'm just sorry I wasn't there for you at the end.

I remember all our catchups so vividly, it's like a movie playing over in my head again and again. I am thankful for that because I can still hear your voice, see your smile and replay our games of pool together as though it was this morning. But it was not this morning was it. It was roughly twelve years ago.

When I heard the news from my brother in London I understood why you had decided to end your life. Lord knows I've thought about it often enough and been close enough to that desperation to escape. You had talked to me about how you felt and I listened and for a period of time it helped. But I now realise that I was just one person, too young and inexperienced to truly help. I was a Bandaid for a gunshot wound.

You taught me a lesson that I didn't truly learn until years later, that it takes a huge amount of effort on your own as well as from others to work through depression. It is not a simple exercise of "being positive" or "having a chat" it is far more complex and requires you to discard a large part of who you are and re-learn a healthier way to live. Perhaps if I'd had that knowledge back then I might have been able to help more, but "might have" lives in parallel universe.

Thank you for being my friend and teaching me more than a good game of pool,

Tom

Taking a holiday

Catherine and I recently returned from a week break on Magnetic Island up in Queensland. It was a fantastic holiday for many reasons, but the main one was that I felt the most relaxed I've been in years.

It is difficult to explain to anyone how you feel inside your head, but last year I literally felt that I had experienced the best of my life. I had struggled with depression for years riding a rollercoaster, from extreme episodes of darkness to peaks of happiness. The brief pauses between each when I rode that flat calm section of track were welcome breaks, but fleeting at best.

Over the last year I have worked at different techniques to calm my mind and better myself. That work has led me to create the book that I will publish at the end of the year (shameless plug!), which contains all the things I have found work well for me. It's no literary masterpiece, but I hope that it will prove to be a useful handbook for anyone going through depression. Perhaps it may even help those not suffering to understand a tiny piece of it and then support their friends or family in that struggle.

Today is a different story to how I felt last year and our holiday away was the time away I needed to show me that. I wasn't overthinking, but just enjoying time relaxing, spending time with Catherine and soaking up the nature on Magnetic Island. It reminded me of all the simple things to marvel at and that sometimes living life means not taking action, or thinking, but just soaking up the environment you are in.

While on "Maggie" I lapsed a little on the meditation practice which I have made a daily focus over the last three months. I was on holiday after all, so I relaxed my regime a little! Since returning to the faster pace of life in Sydney I have resumed normal operations in that regard in order to keep that calm of mind. I am happy to say that my goal over a year ago has been achieved and now I am working on maintaining that achievement. All those months ago I said to myself I wanted to reach a place where my mind was calm and I didn't get caught up in happy or unhappy thoughts and feelings. I can only maintain that through consistent brain work, but it is most definitely worth the effort.

My book whose working title is "Grumpy Man" will be available through iBooks, Kindle and as a PDF at the end of the year. I am sure it will make a useful stocking filler, just be diplomatic as to how you present it!

Are you ok?

Tom :)

Working yourself out

I have enjoyed a little break from writing online recently as I've focused on the present moment. The most interesting part of this break being that I haven't felt the need to blog to relieve any anxiety or to satiate feelings of depression. Overall I have had the most stable three months I can remember and that is due in a large part to the change I have been creating.

For the last 123 days I read, meditated and wrote every single day. I set an easily achievable target in order to create new healthy habits which would help calm my over-active mind. Some days I wrote a great deal more than my one page goal, other days I struggled to get there. No matter what came up I kept consistent with these three things. Every day added to my tally was another small step in the right direction.

I have no illusions that I can always go backwards towards depression. But the last year has taught me what I need to do in order to maintain balance and keep my head in check. When I started this change I wanted to reach a place where I was calm and content. Now more than ever I feel I'm at that place and all I have to do is maintain what I've begun.

Two weeks ago I took a personality test which identified my strengths and weaknesses. It has helped me to recognise what I can develop in myself and who I work best with . What the report and book revealed about my psychology was fascinating but most of it I already recognised in myself. More revealing though was what I learnt about other personality types, their different views and what drives them. Understanding other people is extremely helpful in carving your own path in life as well as being able to support your friends and family in the right way.

One of the traits of my type "The Campaigner" is a love for self improvement. Reading this in the report made me LOL, probably one of the only times where I can use that abbreviation genuinely. It was as though someone sat me down and explained to me who I was. It felt like I was listening to a mirror image of myself and for one of the few times in my life I felt genuine contentment. If that is difficult to comprehend then you may want to do the test. I can highly recommend the ebook for your specific type. It may seem costly, but it is worth every penny. You also get a 25% discount if you sign up to the newsletter. Visit www.16personalities.com to take the test.

Wherever you are and whatever you are doing I hope this finds you well.

Are you ok?

Tom

Absence

I haven’t written on here in weeks. I have been writing, but in my journal, scribbling away a simple page or three each day as a matter of course. I simply haven’t wanted to write on this platform and rather than just churn out something meaningless I felt it was better to just keep quiet.

For now I am back. I am returning to the frequency I once had of tapping out a blog each week. My aim is as it always has been, to help others. So excuse me for the “holiday” and I hope this finds you well wherever you may be.

If I had planned this post I would have been able to lay out what I have been doing in the last month and what lies ahead. But I have never really planned these posts, but always let my mind write what it needs to write at the moment in time. So rather than look backwards on what has been, or search ahead for what may never come, I will instead focus on the present moment.

I have been doing a few press-ups each day. I was nominated by Catherine to perform 22 of the suckers everday for 22 days. This challenge is to highlight the ‘fact’ that 22 military veterans commit suicide every day as well as an increasing number of emergency service personnel too. The challenge requires that I perform my 22 press-ups on video and nominate a different person each day.

To begin with the hardest part was thinking who might be able to do the press-ups. But today I realised that actually the “doing” doesn’t really matter. The important thing is that I spread the word.

After doing three days I thought I would look into the statistic presented in the challenge, because I am a little sceptical of “facts” in the media. By doing a small amount of digging I found out where this number came from and how inaccurate it actually is. Nevertheless, I feel that doing a press-up challenge helps to highlight an issue that is worth looking at and informing yourself on. I don’t think that 1 press-up a day is quite the same challenge, nor as eye catching for the media.

In summary it is always worth looking into articles and posts you see online. It is easy to do your own research (that is the real useful part of the internet) and draw your own conclusions from what you discover. For me anything bringing awareness to suicide, PTSD, depression or any other mental illness is a good thing. Even if sometimes the facts aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

TA

Choices

I left my lunch with Catherine on Wednesday a morose figure. Not because of anything she had done or said, but just because my brain was playing up. It was not bad thoughts that filled my head though, but just a feeling of anxiousness. I couldn’t put a finger on why I was feeling this way, but knew that ruminating wasn’t the answer. In fact most of the time it isn’t the solution, but a distracting negative process we put ourselves through.

Instead I chose to focus on the walk to the bus stop with all the sights and sounds of the Sydney cityscape. Walking up Castlereagh street I heard a man singing “Sexual Healing” mixed with the traffic noise of lunchtime. The singing became louder as I reached the junction of Castlereagh and Market streets where the David Jones and Westfield meet. There at the corner was a homeless man with his dog on a bread delivery basket singing away (the man not the dog.) He wasn’t belting out his rendition but singing it as though he just had ten people in front of him in a room to himself. It was calming yet completely at odds with the bustle of people passing him by and the traffic noise of the city.

A smile had crossed my face on hearing this man singing because that song reminds me of so many happy times. It stirred my memories and my smile became broader when I reached the junction and saw him at ease, happy. When the green man came up to cross I started to walk, but stopped and turned back after a few paces. I had enjoyed this man’s voice and this simple moment had begun a change in my head, which I was grateful for. So I returned to his spot and dropped a dollar in his box.

On the bus ride home I had the most amazing mental dump as I wrote pages furiously in my journal. It felt good to get these thoughts and feelings out and then look at them objectively. In fact it was extremely helpful because it gave me a direction to follow and reminded me of some simple truths. Although I have been writing everyday for the last forty-something days it has been some time since I had a mental dump. You may think that I think a lot and you would be right, but I have the tools to be able to deal with those thoughts. Some of them aren’t worth worrying about and others are occurring because I need to take action on something.

There are so many times that I have heard that happiness is a choice. Yes I believe you can think positively and make choices that will avoid unhappiness. You can smile when you don’t feel like smiling and laugh to change the chemical balance in your brain. But happiness is just an emotion like anger or sadness, it comes and goes. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing feelings of sadness, anger, frustration or even aggression. They are just as equal as happiness. To try and show something you are not would be foolish for your long term mental health. But equally it is bad to ruminate on negative thoughts and feelings as it is so easy to head in a downward spiral.

I think that focusing on what is in front of you, being “present” is a much better way to live. It takes you away from your thought factory and into the world in front of you. Within that world are simple things that make you smile naturally, that make you feel both happiness and sadness as normal emotions. Living “in the moment” allows you to focus on what you need to do right now rather than worry about something that may or may not happen in the future. I freely admit that we need to think about our future, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that we could be dead tonight. Experiencing this moment is where it’s possible to have all the emotions naturally, to be grateful for life, to enjoy what we see, hear and feel around us.

Sometimes it is as simple as listening to a man singing a favourite song and writing scribbles in a notebook.

Tom :)

Patience

Over the years I have developed a level of patience that sometimes even surprises me. For the most part however this is when dealing with other people, because when it comes to being patient with myself I am still learning.

I have worked with people from all walks of life through several different jobs over the years. There have been times when I've been frustrated by others, but I've kept my mouth shut and given them the space they've needed to complete their task. When training others I could see how life gets in the way of learning at times and that is ok. We often set lofty goals for ourselves when we are full of motivation, but it's when we have no "oomph" that we learn and develop the most (hopefully). Having patience in ourselves at these moments is key to a balanced mind and life.

What I have seen more recently is that I can be as patient with myself as I can with others. As I am learning new skills or taking action towards creating new work, I can be content and not feel rushed. This is something very important to me. For years I have rushed myself to get "somewhere" or do "something", thinking that I am wasting my life by not finding the one "thing" that will change my life and others. But in all honesty as I become more patient with myself I realise that I am doing enough. I know that friends and family have told me such over the years, but that has never been enough to satisfy my own mind. Perhaps as I've taken control of my head I have started to see what they might in myself.

One example of playing the long game and having patience is my writing. I love to write and have been writing everyday for the past 40 days. I chose to make this a new habit as the practice of writing gives me a great mind release and helps me in being more creative at work. Over these last 40 days I have enjoyed writing for my two books with the knowledge that it will take months or years to complete them. Having patience when my creativity isn't there is important because it is in the consistency with this new habit that I improve. I will make mistakes. I will write pieces that are crap or don't read particularly well. But because I can be patient with myself I know that as long as I take on feedback I will improve and that is my raison d'être.

By being patient with myself and accepting things as they are, not how my brain wants to see them, I have more time and head space to make my choices. Rather than worry and get anxious I can now breathe and take some time to just sit. I have begun to get out of my head, away from what my brain has done for so long and not think. I am living more in the present each day rather than being consumed with "what ifs" and thoughts of what could have been. That to me is the best result for what I set out for last year.

Conclusion
Patience is a skill like any other, it can be learnt and developed. But to improve both your self-patience and calm with others you have to endure some testing times. It is a practice that you must do everyday if you are going to change, but an easy one to take action on.
Personally I focus on it most when I am waiting in line for something and I feel anxious or in a rush. In these moments I just focus on my breathe and remind myself that there is no rush. It is through weathering the feelings and thoughts that my brain creates and accepting them just as they are that I can relax. It doesn't make the stress or worry go away it just means it doesn't affect me as much if at all. It won't kill me, so I don't get caught up in it.
Practicing in these daily, small situations will help you improve your patience in other more stressful areas of your life. You can't run before you can walk and so it is with a skill like patience. It takes a moment to learn but a lifetime to master, so we best get practicing!

Tom :)