Choices

I left my lunch with Catherine on Wednesday a morose figure. Not because of anything she had done or said, but just because my brain was playing up. It was not bad thoughts that filled my head though, but just a feeling of anxiousness. I couldn’t put a finger on why I was feeling this way, but knew that ruminating wasn’t the answer. In fact most of the time it isn’t the solution, but a distracting negative process we put ourselves through.

Instead I chose to focus on the walk to the bus stop with all the sights and sounds of the Sydney cityscape. Walking up Castlereagh street I heard a man singing “Sexual Healing” mixed with the traffic noise of lunchtime. The singing became louder as I reached the junction of Castlereagh and Market streets where the David Jones and Westfield meet. There at the corner was a homeless man with his dog on a bread delivery basket singing away (the man not the dog.) He wasn’t belting out his rendition but singing it as though he just had ten people in front of him in a room to himself. It was calming yet completely at odds with the bustle of people passing him by and the traffic noise of the city.

A smile had crossed my face on hearing this man singing because that song reminds me of so many happy times. It stirred my memories and my smile became broader when I reached the junction and saw him at ease, happy. When the green man came up to cross I started to walk, but stopped and turned back after a few paces. I had enjoyed this man’s voice and this simple moment had begun a change in my head, which I was grateful for. So I returned to his spot and dropped a dollar in his box.

On the bus ride home I had the most amazing mental dump as I wrote pages furiously in my journal. It felt good to get these thoughts and feelings out and then look at them objectively. In fact it was extremely helpful because it gave me a direction to follow and reminded me of some simple truths. Although I have been writing everyday for the last forty-something days it has been some time since I had a mental dump. You may think that I think a lot and you would be right, but I have the tools to be able to deal with those thoughts. Some of them aren’t worth worrying about and others are occurring because I need to take action on something.

There are so many times that I have heard that happiness is a choice. Yes I believe you can think positively and make choices that will avoid unhappiness. You can smile when you don’t feel like smiling and laugh to change the chemical balance in your brain. But happiness is just an emotion like anger or sadness, it comes and goes. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with expressing feelings of sadness, anger, frustration or even aggression. They are just as equal as happiness. To try and show something you are not would be foolish for your long term mental health. But equally it is bad to ruminate on negative thoughts and feelings as it is so easy to head in a downward spiral.

I think that focusing on what is in front of you, being “present” is a much better way to live. It takes you away from your thought factory and into the world in front of you. Within that world are simple things that make you smile naturally, that make you feel both happiness and sadness as normal emotions. Living “in the moment” allows you to focus on what you need to do right now rather than worry about something that may or may not happen in the future. I freely admit that we need to think about our future, but let’s not lose sight of the fact that we could be dead tonight. Experiencing this moment is where it’s possible to have all the emotions naturally, to be grateful for life, to enjoy what we see, hear and feel around us.

Sometimes it is as simple as listening to a man singing a favourite song and writing scribbles in a notebook.

Tom :)