Keeping regular

Strangely this post is not about the current state of my colon as much as the title might lead you to believe. Rather it is about maintaining my consistency with the things that matter.

I have never been one for making New Year resolutions mainly because I am crap at sticking to them.  But when I have a passion that I care about I can usually see it through to a conclusion. With this in mind I made myself a promise at the weekend to scribble everyday. As you know I love to write and I have been an irregular blogger for a few years, in that time I have used my blog as a way to vent my feelings and write a conversation on my depression. But like so many things in my life I have not been consistent when it mattered, the results were erratic at best and I never really progressed with tackling my issues. Since I have started down the road to "calmness" I have seen the benefits of regular meditation and weight lifting on my mind. Now my goal is to write everyday, not just to help my head, but because I love to write and want to get better at it. Fortunately even when I write shit lines it helps to clear my brain and bring some great ideas to the forefront.

Having said that as I write this I have been watching a great film and it has sidetracked me somewhat from my goal! The film in question was Journey 2 The Mysterious Island, a veritable classic starring The Rock, Michael Caine and Luis Guzman amongst others, (hopefully you picked up the sarcasm there!) The reason I put the film on was to have some background noise on whilst I tapped out a few lines of this post. But instead I ended up watching the whole thing and being distracted from what I wanted to say. As a result it allowed my head a little rest from itself just watching crap (but good) TV and I relaxed. Sounds absurd to say this but sometimes I forget how to relax, my thinking can be that all consuming and draining that I don't know how to just switch off, sad really. But this well timed break meant that I not only wrote what I wanted above, but also found another way to switch the head off. In the battle against the Black Dog it's all about finding the tricks that work and using them one after the other.

Following on from this thought process (hang on Tom, stop thinking!) I wanted to bring up a conversation I had with a friend of mine recently. We both agreed that our generation (80's kid) has too much time to think. We have it so good because of our parents working hard and setting us up, modern technology making things easier and a thousand opportunities open for us to do whatever we want. But we are still unhappy, still we want something bigger, to be someone or do something important. Now I know this is a topic that can go on forever and I merely raise it to highlight my own flaws in regards to overthinking. But if we take stock and look at what we have rather than what we don't, try to live in the present moment and live a much simpler existence then contentment will follow. Not happiness, but contentment. Calmness will follow that.

Perhaps you don't want those last two things, that's fine. Perhaps you want happiness. I mean that is a cool goal. But happiness is just a feeling, it comes and goes and we can never hold onto it forever. We just have to enjoy it when it is there, much like we have to be present when we experience sadness or grief. Denying it only makes things worse, but allowing it means you can learn and move on. For me striving to be something great is the root of my depression and anxiety. Fuck. That is some serious realisation there. Truthfully the pain I cause myself from trying to be perfect is why I am writing this and what I need to do most often is not take myself and life so seriously and just enjoy the moment. That is not to say that we shouldn't aim for goals and work towards them. But is it really worth making yourself ill over? Is it worth the heartache, the decline into a different personality and the dark side of a depressive mind? No. That right there is why I meditate, lift weights and write. These simple things help me to realise that none of what we do really matters, we are insignificant. Nobody will care about us when we are dust (aside from family), we are not that amazing. Once you realise that you can let go of all the bullshit and just get on with being. Being your real self. Being chill. Being a human.

Anyway enough deep stuff. Don't think too hard on any of this, but feel free to check out this meditation book I use this Christmas. It is one of the best things I ever did.

Merry christmas to one all.

Tom

Clarity?

On my walk home from the chiropractor last night I had 30 minutes of the strangest feeling. Normally I don't get a full "episode", but rather snippets of the feature film. But for that 30 minute walk I had a calm like no other, a contentment and peace in myself that was unbroken by my mind. I was neither happy nor sad, but rather I was just being. I felt relaxed (possibly from chiro), but it was the sort of relaxed you feel when you are too tired to fight anymore, when your mind and body just chill the fuck out. Perhaps that was all it was, just fatigue from working long hours, being in the sun on a hot tin roof and having consumed four coffees (not all at once!) Whatever the cause was I don't care. If I knew the combination code that elicited that safe of feeling to be opened then I'd do anything to get it again. It was an amazing experience.

But that is just part of a bigger feeling I've had recently. For all my posts about falling off the wagon I have been making progress. I need to write that as much to tell myself as you, but I'm crawling forwards. Some days it's like dragging myself through treacle, with a head that won't compute the simplest tasks and feeling like I've been tranquillised. But little by little I have better days when work makes sense, I don't forget shit and I'm a positive person to be around. But it takes time I will tell you that for free. I am realising now how little I knew myself before and how different I am slowly becoming. It's not an outward change because I don't give a damn about that, rather it's inside that is changing and that's the juicy bit, quite literally. Somebody once said that I don't need to change, that I am great the way I am. But I am only great to those outside of my head, for all the people I meet will always get the friendly and supportive Tom. But that is not what I am trying to change. It's the evil shit inside that nobody sees that I'm working on.

On a different note I had a chat with a friend about positive motivational quotes the other day. I was annoyed by the emptiness of the words that are bandied about on Facebook posts everyday. I don't know why this gets my goat so much, after all these people are only trying to be positive. That is certainly better than the negativity everywhere. But perhaps it is because people don't really think about what they are saying or that the words have no real meaning. It could be because the words are empty when you don't act on them, learn from them. As I've said before you can't just talk a good game, you have to work at it every damn day.mI do my meditation regularly now and have started a regular stretch programme with Catherine. The gym is irregular but I'm not killing myself over it, when I stop doing physical 50 hour weeks then I'll get back into it! The key for me is to take action consistently if I want to see a change and not just moan about things or write about them.

I don't remember if there was a purpose to this post other than speaking of my "calm" experience. But if there's a point to make I guess it is this, don't give up. If you want change then act. Stop fucking complaining about shit and talking it over, thinking about it and throwing up barriers to your success, JUST DO IT. Yes for some things you'll need a plan, but you know what for most stuff you don't, just act. Learn from your mistakes because planning will only take you so far and won't prevent bad stuff happening. In fact you'll learn more if you experience the bad stuff, just look at me as a case in point, without Depression I wouldn't be making changes to myself in order to improve my life.

Mull on that for a bit, but make sure you act on it.

Tom

Brain shitt

After a great absence from writing this blog and writing in general I am back! We returned to Sydney a few weeks ago from a great trip back to England and our fantastic honeymoon in Thailand. Our feet haven’t touched the ground since we got back, but as I have an early finish I am able to tap this post out to you.

Being away was great. I don’t care who you are or where you live, when you go on holiday you disconnect from your life. You trade in the routine of waking up early for work, the commuting and the taxing of your grey matter for simple pleasures. You lie in. You spend time with people that matter. Above all you do what the hell you like because you can. This is always nice when you are on holiday because we all need to relax and kick back. But when you return to normality it can be a bit of a shock after suspending the routine for a few weeks. 

I’m glad to say that didn’t happen for me (at least not right away), I loved coming back to our place near the beach and going for a swim (read 5 minute paddle) after work. That was all very nice thank you. However my brain had not forgotten me so easily. It had been well behaved for 5 weeks of holiday and had been fairly reasonable on our return, but it decided to give me a little wake up call at the weekend.

I haven’t had an anxiety attack or felt my depression for quite some time. Before we left on our trip I had been pretty consistent with meditating and lifting weights at the gym. Even whilst we were away I continued to work at both in order to maintain a calm balance. However the gym slipped a little in the first two weeks of our return and meditating was non-existent. Why does this matter? Well I think these two key areas have kept me much calmer and more balanced, so to cut them out after succeeding with both is like going cold turkey and hoping for the best.

As I mentioned earlier my old damn brain (or O.D.B for short ;-)) decided to right royally fudge me over on Saturday. Seemingly from nowhere I fell into a dark hole. I don’t really know what triggered it, but I think it was probably a build up of brain shit from post holiday. There are some long term issues that continue to pop up and ‘eff” me over. The severity of it all was scary. I took a walk to clear my head with a couple of cold beers (always good for mental illness alcohol ;)) and ended up on the cliffs overlooking Coogee, a great view at night. For me the sea (or ocean to you Aussies) has been my “happy place” for many years, it just chills me out and makes me see some reason. Anyway I didn’t look at the pretty view of Coogee, but instead stared into the dark night at the waves crashing onto the rocks below me. I felt like shit and I thought some pretty grim things. The worst thing was that my mind was creating it all and I actually told myself that I’d never be free of it and that scared me. Despite that part of my brain trying to do me in I had a good chat to the sea that night, and walked away to face reality and talk to Catherine. That was my wake up call.

Real talk is great. It is like a colonic irrigation for your brain. Except the colon isn't involved. Nor water. Or ya bum. But the cleansing bit, it’s like that. Dodgy references aside, it’s good to talk. It is fecking hard to do most of the time, but it helps in the long term. The only trouble is after you are done. Much like someone feeding themselves crap after a colonic irrigation, you have to stop your mind feeding on the negative stuff. That’s where all that meditation and weight training helps. It’s where the implementation of a new way of thinking and acting is needed, in order to overcome the twenty years of negative self destruction. It’s a constant work in progress.

I knew it would never be easy to change myself and I understood it would be a long journey, but that doesn't stop you feeling the low times and wanting to tell the world to stick it. I suppose the re-assuring thing now that I have returned to “normal” is that it is a learning experience. I was reminded this by a friend over the weekend and I am holding onto that in order to build from it. Daily meditation started again this morning and I blitzed the gym last week, so I have that in hand once more. The next step is to develop positive thought patterns and just do it.

For now that is enough babble. I hope you are all well wherever you are.

Are you ok?

Tom 

Being present

I'm back home in England and I've had a great time so far. I'm enjoying spending time with my family and am the most content I've been in a long time. I actually felt much better before leaving Sydney for our trip, but now that I have had time to think about it my mind is calm and clear. Naturally holiday will let you relax and be away from worry, but a lot of things changed in my mind whilst I was still at home (in Sydney), so I knew this break would only enhance that.

In my last post I said I would have something interesting to write about. I think I was reflecting on the change that I had noticed in myself and wanted to explain about it in a little detail. Many changes have taken place in me over the last few months and it is really the culmination of different techniques that have led to who I am now. A lot of people say that you can't change who you are, specifically how your mind operates. But I am happy to disagree with that notion, I am a small amount of proof that with consistent hard work it can be done.

When I had my little head implosion a few months ago I felt tired of life and lacking in energy for anything. I had reached a point where I was over it, but not in a suicidal way. I had a lot of anger locked up inside at myself and for the first time I realised that I had to do something about it. I did two things at this point, I found a fantastic book about mindfulness meditation and asked for help from a doctor. 

The first of these helped me right away as I committed to following the meditation programme and had something to achieve each day. It also began to calm my mind in the three weeks it took to get in for my first psychologist appointment. I am still working towards a daily meditation practice, but I practice more frequently than I ever did before and am more present because of it. When I don't meditate I know about it after a few days, so I keep it going enough to manage my mind. The best thing about the practice has been learning acceptance. Acceptance of my strengths and weaknesses, other people and life in general. This last point could have its own post it's such a huge thing.

When the psychologist referral began I was actually looking forward to it. Despite not being able to open up to family and friends in the past I saw this as an opportunity to offload and actually discover what caused my depression and anxiety. It was a chance to see why I am the way I am. Through my 8 sessions over the last few months I have learnt about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and other tools to help me deal with my brain and change the way it works. I am now able to counteract the negative talk that I experience and have begun work on creating new positive pathways to help me progress in life. I'm still trying to overcome twenty plus years of bad habits but it's a step in the right direction.

The next stage in my evolution was ditching running and getting back to the gym and lifting weights. As much as I had enjoyed running it was no longer helpful to me. I had too much time to ruminate whilst training and ultimately didn't see the point of doing it for a challenge anymore. Instead I went back to lifting to experience another form of meditation where I couldn't think about anything else other than breathing and technique. It has been great to do something that is hard work, but for enjoyment first and achievement second. I think we have forgotten that in our lives and too often push to compete at everything we do. Sometimes we need to stop and smell the flipping roses! 

Looking forwards I am concentrating on keeping the consistency I've developed with meditation and the gym. I have to focus more energy on CBT and build my confidence and satisfaction with what I do in my life. That will require a lot of hard work to overcome those old habits and thought processes, but it is a necessity I welcome with open arms. Thinking about how low I've felt over the years is all the motivation I need to live a calmer, content life. That's the ultimate goal and in the last couple of weeks I've realised that it's possible if I let it be. Nobody else will make it happen, but me. Accepting that is the first step in real change.

Are you ok?

Tom

Questions of the mind

At the weekend I caught up with my friend Andrew and as usual we got into a great discussion about life. Our conversation is normally based around realism and truth, but to anyone listening in we probably sound like two grumpy old men. I don’t dispute this. We are two grumpy old men, but at least we are happy to embrace it and not fake being happy and excited when we are not.

This weekend our conversation focused around my last blog post in which I wrote about an anxiety episode from that week. The burning question from the episode was “what are you doing with your life?” So Andrew and I talked that through at length, reducing my anxiety about those thoughts and leaving me feeling calm and content.

In short there is no answer to that question or any that your brain conjures in regards to your life aspirations, because it comes from a place of negativity. It is not a thought that can be reasoned with because it has no answer that will satiate it. I am still working on where and when that thought process began, but so far I have gone back over 20 years and can remember times when I experienced it. As a slight deviation from topic I find that last sentence hilarious because I can’t remember positive experiences nearly as well or what I did at the weekend for fun. But I can vividly picture a moment I punched my bedroom cupboard in anger at myself 15 years ago! Interesting…

Regardless of the memory defect I am confident that I have had this voice in my head for many, many years. Despite the worry it gives me it also has driven me to do things that I may not have thought I could do. From training to become a fitness trainer to running a marathon it has pushed me (along with my sheer stubbornness) to achieve a great deal. The trouble arises when you realise that nothing you do will satisfy yourself. Friends and family will applaud your achievements, but the perfectionist inside you spits on your results and demands better. The sad thing is that you could be the best in the world at something and it would never satisfy you.

So this question of “what are you doing with your life?” is both useful and unhelpful depending on my reaction to it. I have learnt through my therapy sessions to take a step back and observe my mind as an outsider. With this technique I can ask whether a thought is helpful, if I should act on it or tell my mind ‘thanks, but not today’. It certainly has come in handy this week when I made a mistake on a piece of work. Where normally I would’ve tortured myself with negative thoughts I was able to stop them at the first and actually say ‘thank you brain, but that is not helpful right now’. I then set about correcting my mistake, which was painful because I want everything to be perfect. But life isn’t perfect, you can’t always be happy when shit happens, so you just have to deal with it. JUST DO IT. So that’s what I did and although the finished product wasn’t going to meet my high standards it was good enough for the job required. If I was making a teak cabinet I wouldn’t think this way, but making something out of rough treated pine is a little different!

My thoughts since the weekend have been good. I have not been crazy high or depressively low, I have felt contentment and calm. It may be because I have been working all week and have done three lifting sessions at the gym. Finding the balance for my life has been the aim of late and it is a trickier equation than you might think. There are a lot of elements to consider and it takes consistent hard work. I won’t lie, I find it tough at times to keep going. The question still pops up and it will be there for a while until I create a new though process to replace it. 

Fortunately I have taken a great deal from the mindfulness meditation practice that I have been using over the last 2-3 months. I am able to focus more on the here and now and enjoy what I am doing rather than worry about what I will do in the future. I still have goals to achieve, such as completing my Australian carpentry qualification before the end of the year. I am also working on a new book about Depression, which I think will help me as well as others. So in summary I have no answer to any big questions, but I am ok with that. I will strive to do something important with my life, but I am now better equipped to manage my mind and ensure that it doesn’t drive me into a hole. 

Catherine and I will soon be heading back to England for the end of October, so I hope to have more to share when I am on holiday. Whatever you are going through, wherever you are in the world, just remember you will be OK. 

Are you ok?

Fear

Yesterday was a sunny 30 degree day in Sydney. Of course it wouldn’t be complete without some fear added to the mix, which my brain supplied readily. As I often tell people Depression is not necessarily about your situation, in fact I’d dare to suggest it has nothing to do with it. It is more to do with the thought processes, the chemical soup in the brain and the physical feelings the sufferer goes through. If it were as simple as looking outside thinking “oh it’s a beautiful day!” and actually carrying that feeling through the day then I would be a much happier man. That is the dream, that one day I can bring my mindfulness to a level where I am consistently content. 

Anyhow I am getting off track here. I think the reason for this post was to show what my mind went through yesterday, to give another example of what a rollercoaster of thoughts and feelings each day is. This is not a “Woe is me” post, I don’t do that and frankly don’t have time for whingers. It is just to show you the process I go through, because when I write it down it helps me to identify where I can improve.

I started work yesterday at 730am. Before leaving the house I had eaten a huge breakfast as part of my new diet (eating more), I was feeling positive. My task for the day was to drop business cards at homes across Double Bay for Steve. It is a lovely area to walk around and not a hardship to walk the streets looking at all the incredible homes. Before setting out I did my daily meditation practice. I did a lot of walking and covered many homes through the morning, finishing up at Double Bay ferry terminal in time for lunch. I took my lunch to the small beach there and sat down to eat and watch the boats bob up and down as the waves came in with a good wind. I sat there and felt really good, I was being mindful of everything around me and it was as though I’d never suffered with depression. 

My mind went clear as I ate my lunch and that’s when the chatter began. “What are you doing? What are you doing with your life?” This is just one of many recordings I have listened to for years. It can be useful for pushing me to do new things, but it has in honesty left me an inconsistent fool. I’ve started so many things, but left them to wither because I’ve always felt I should be doing something else, something bigger. The curse of a free modern mind is that lots of us feel we have to do something significant, we just don’t know what. From this thought process I end with the answer “What is the point? What am I here for?” These are self defeating, will never have answers and actually push me well into the darkest places. They are the reason I have thought of suicide in the past. Perhaps I am simplifying it a little as there is more negativity than what I wrote, but I won’t put that here. Let’s just say that it is a relentless circle, which until now I have struggled to remove myself from.

However now is a different story. This is where it gets interesting. Since starting Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and meditation I have started to see the above situation rationally. I have been given some excellent tools to deal with the thoughts and create new ones (more about that later). The above was an intense feeling and I think it has gotten worse in some respects, almost as though my brain is fighting the changes I am trying to implement. But yesterday I was able to just go “Stop.” I picked up my book and read a chapter to focus my mind on something else. I then walked to a coffee shop, bought a coffee and wrote about what I’d felt. By doing that I was able to think ‘this isn’t helpful’ and then move on with my day. 

From there I went to the gym for session one of lifting. I was able to use the feelings of anxiety and anger that I had to great effect on those inanimate objects, once I left I felt much calmer. Conveniently I had a fortnightly psychologist session straight after, so I was able to recant my day’s travails. It just happened that she had some new tools for me to try when my negative thought processes kick in. I have them with me now as a kind of first aid pack to reach for when shit gets real. At the end of the day you just have to arm yourself with as many weapons as possible to beat the brain into submission and create new thoughts.

Creating new thoughts was what I spoke with my Therapist about yesterday. Once I am able to neutralise the negativity I have to create new thoughts and repeat them in order to change the physiology of my brain and ensure it uses the good, helpful thoughts rather than the negative stuff. Simple really! Like I have said before it takes practice and consistency to ensure a change takes place, you can’t dabble in this stuff and get good results. Fortunately I have an excellent audio track from my friend Cj, which I am using to enforce the positive message I need in the next steps. If you are interested you should check it out (you don’t need to be depressed to benefit ;)):

http://www.cjmswaby.com/audio-downloads.html 

Well that is about it from me for now. I will endeavour to update you with my progress when I’ve smashed a few head demons.

Are you ok?

R U OK?

As it is R U OK? day in Australia and Suicide Prevention Day around the World I thought I should write a little post. It's a positive one, so do not fear!

Today is another good day for me. After a series of frankly shit days I was reminded what I HAVE to do, what commitment and consistency is needed from me in order to improve. When I meditate everyday and get into the gym to train then nothing else matters, I can master my mind. Obviously challenges have come up in the last few days, mistakes have been made, but my reaction to these has been the sign that what I am doing is working. My reaction has been completely different from a few days ago, the voice in my head is quiet and if it is present it is a forgiving and realistic one.

Over the last week I have had so much support from friends and family that it has blown my mind. From the calls and messages with Nick to a FaceTime with Mike and Laura. From the messages with my Mum to the many private messages from friends all over the World. It has all helped to give me the energy that I have been lacking, the energy to carry on with life that I couldn't provide myself. Now I am not saying I was suicidal this week, but having that support made a difference. It hasn't had that effect before and do you know why? It is because until this year I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. Yes I have had conversations with Catherine and family members, but I've never truly opened up and to a large extent I still haven't reached that point. But when I decided to write about my experience it was the beginning of that journey. It made talking to friends and family about what I was feeling a whole lot easier. It even meant that I could be open with complete strangers because once you've written a blog about depression and posted it on Facebook there really is nowhere to hide.

In the past when someone asked me if I was ok my standard response would be "yeah great thanks". Even if I was feeling low I'd always have energy for other people, it was part of my job at the time, so I had to be strong, happy and energetic. When you are faking it though that is the most tiring thing in the World. You want to just say "actually I feel like shit, I'm really tired and I could do with a week of sleep", but you think that people would think less of you so you don't. If I had been honest with myself and opened up then I probably would've avoided the numerous occasions when I contemplated suicide. But that would've required me to be open from before I was ten and at that stage I didn't know as much as I do now! I now know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you though, because being honest with yourself is the only path you should choose. Otherwise you will always be trapped.

A lot of my mental issues come from way, way back and I have only just begun to touch on them with proper help. But like when you need to lose weight, get fitter or just learn something new it takes time and a lot of steps and stages before you get somewhere. The beauty of R U OK? day is that the simplest genuine enquiry into how someone is feeling could make a profound difference in their lives. It could literally bring them back from the black hole they were about to fall down. Perhaps not immediately like some kind of Superman moment, but as a ripple spreading out through their life. So even though R U OK? day is over I will be continuing to ask it whenever I can, please do the same in your lives.

As I progress and get closer to the time when I will head home to England for a very important wedding, I feel clearer about my next steps. I am working on a new book (the black comedy is on hold as it's a bit too black), which will hopefully help myself and others. I know that a million books have been written before about Depression, but I wanted to write something that is lighthearted and practical for both sufferers and their friends and family. At the moment I am working on the structure and asking any of my friends that have suffered with Depression or had a family member go through it to help me out. If you want to offer your experience then I'd be most grateful as I would like to include a few different perspectives. I think that a multifaceted approach to Depression is the only way to combat it and that requires support from friends, treatment from professionals, self help, exercise and nutrition.

For now I'll leave it at that because I still have my meditation to do before bed. Until next time.

R U OK?

RAAAAA!

In my last post I wrote about progression and how I have to work at myself (so to speak) everyday. Yesterday was a strange one for me, I had work, I meditated, I saw friends, I was content. But under the surface I could feel something bubbling away. It came as a feeling and developed into a thought before becoming something louder, like a drunk friend that won't shutup, it annoyed me. The thought was the same self defeating, vicious cycle that I have experienced time and time again, "what am I doing with life?" Sadly this just boils down to "what is the point?" From there it is a slippery slope and I managed to distract myself enough to finish the day feeling good.

Sadly those thoughts don't go away. That's the shitter about depression. It's not as obvious as looking at someone and seeing that they aren't themselves. Inside those with depression are fighting a battle of their own, separate to what the World can throw at them. It can seem as thought that person is distracted, absent, daydreaming. If only you really f*cking knew!

So today was much like yesterday and I got stuck into work. A couple of things came up that needed dealing with. One was a conflict of sorts and the other just required concentration. Sadly the first almost tipped me over the edge, which would've meant the second got written off. Fortunately I used a couple of my newly learnt tools to bring me back from the edge (namely breathing and coping thoughts) and a strange thing happened. I was obviously worried about this conflict and had been proactive in dealing with it, but I was avoiding the necessary evil, calling the person. From seemingly nowhere a voice in my head said "just call him". This started to build until I was embodying Shia LaBeouf's TED talk and shouting "just DO IT!" So you know what happened? I just did it. I made the call to the man and I explained exactly what I was thinking in one of the most confident actions of my recent life. It was powerful. After that call I pulled down an imaginary ceiling and roared. I literally roared.

Sounds strange huh! But the reason this stupidly small moment had meaning was because I could see the darkness and yet something had changed. It's not a miracle, I haven't found God. I have worked hard to get to this point and I would give up any success I've ever had (except my wife) not to have to feel this way at all. I won't feed the dragon by talking about those negative feelings, but that infinitesimal change is proof to my mind that it is changing for the better. As Sam Cooke once sang, "A change is gonna come."

A big thanks to my friend C whose dulcet tones are a pleasure to listen to.

I'll leave you with this to work with. Lately when I've encountered difficulty I've used this simple tool. I take three good breaths and then say to myself 'I will get through this'. It is one of many tools I use, but when you lose your shit you need the simplest one to get you through that moment and survive to get better. Please don't forget that you can feel better.

Are you ok?

Tom

Progession

There are many positives to come out of my depression for which I am extremely grateful for. From the help from friends to the talks with those in the same boat. Accepting I have a problem has opened up the huge opportunity to enact a change in my brain and for that I am thankful to the Gremlins in my head.

Friends from all over have been supportive and kind since I first blogged about my depression. There are specifically a handful of people that have surpassed all the rest and those people I will thank in person when I see them. They contacted me every week to check in and see how I was and that helped more than I can put into words. Old friendships have renewed and with their practical help I’ve been able to add to the tools I use to combat my negativity and change my brain for the better, so thank you to you guys too. 

Over the weeks I have spoken to friends that suffer with depression and I’ve had some great conversations. Most of the time it is just refreshing to talk to a friend that understands what you are feeling, someone that doesn’t judge you and doesn't need to ask questions. They just get it and often that is more restorative than any other therapy. As much as opening up and talking is useful I have spoken lately of “right talk” where you talk to the right people (safe people) about the right things. This means not having to explain what you are going through to every Tom, Dick and Harry, but telling the people that matter (or that you feel safe with) how you really are. It also means not revelling in those feelings, but using that opportunity to talk to move forwards.

Since I decided to do something about my brain I have progressed by researching different methods from Meditation to CBT. I have armed myself with an arsenal of tools with which to combat the negative self talk, feelings of sadness and hopelessness. It is a daily practice for me to concentrate on, which at times can be tiring, but ultimately keeps me in a calm, contented balance. There is no magic bullet, I may have an episode like a few months ago again. But I can change my brain, the way I think and how I react to situations in life. 

Like any change it takes dedication and consistency, it is hard work to change habits that you have formed over years. So if you are in a similar boat then prepare yourself to knuckle down, concentrate and get your shit sorted. It will require that you remove yourself from negative relationships, abandon activities and focus on creating a balance your life. But you can enact a change in the way you think, your beliefs and your thinking errors. Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help and do your research, treat it as an experiment with one tool at a time. You may want to start writing down a journal so that you can keep track of these feelings and what you are trying out. If it helps you can always write me an email and ask anything you want. 

I saw the psychologist yesterday and was able to tell her that I survived my 55 hour work week on the deck project and had even used some of the tools to get me out of a funk. This was after 8 sessions of therapy, 8 weeks of meditation and numerous hours of talking. Let me put it this way, I have only just begun to improve. I am hyper aware of my mind now and so I can catch myself before I fall, but like I said before I have to do this everyday. I still have a long way to go to get to where I think I should be, but I am confident of this much, I can change myself. So can you if you want to.

Are you ok?

Finding motivation

Motivation is one of those words that I love to hate. As a PT you hear it more frequently than you care to. It's something that people are "searching for" or just not "finding" as though it was a small piece of paper that they remember once having "somewhere".

Motivation is of course a funny thing. Everybody's is different, some may be more important than others, but for all of us it wanes at some point or another. For me this happened with running in 2014  and again this year. Fortunately that lack of motivation and my mental health actually spurred me into action. I started my meditation program, got back into strength training in the gym and started to feel a lot better and subsequently more motivated.

You can't just dream up motivation, something has to prompt you in a big way to stay focussed and active. Most of the time this is an event that occurs such as a breakdown or health issue (in the extreme), or will occur in the future (think summer body, wedding, death). Getting deep down to what motivates you and finding what you enjoy most at that moment in time is part of the key to success.

These last couple of weeks I have been motivated by the result of all the small things I have done. It has boiled down to this, to be calm and enjoy life I have to train and eat well. How much do I want this? Well I look at it this way, I don't want to feel as low as I have done this year again. I don't want to feel as though I have nothing to give and not want to live life. That is my motivation. When I don't feel like training I have that thought to go to. When "bad" food is on offer I have bad memories to remind me why I have to be consistent. It is a shame that it takes something like this to motivate me, but I guess I am grateful for it. I actually feel like I am starting to enjoy life again because I have reset myself and am taking consistent small steps.

After a recent DEXA body composition scan I now have some starting figures to work with. I am retesting in 6 weeks and again in 12 to see what my training is doing. My motivation isn't to lose body fat, but it helps to have some concrete evidence as to how I am progressing. So in 6 weeks I will  have some graphs to compare how training is going. Unfortunately I can't do that for my brain health, so I'll just have to update you each week with how it's going. Next week is my first decking project with a couple of friends, so I'll also have some carpentry porn to share with you!

Are you ok?

Tom

Changing man

Over the last few weeks I have tried to avoid ruminating on thoughts that would bring me into a low frame of mind. I have tried to deal with conflict in my mind rationally and make action lists where I felt something was giving me anxiety. I've been making a concerted effort with these little things and although I wasn't on my game when it came to meditation, I have been aware and taken action to remedy any negative thoughts. All of this is a big step in the right direction for me and is a result of putting a number of different players into action (as I spoke about last week) in order to balance my life.

It wasn't until the weekend when we caught up with friends that I could say out loud that I had changed. For some reason saying this makes me cry. But it is not because I am sad, it is because there is an ongoing release of pressure and anxiety and being open brings it to the surface. If anything when I had my little meltdown a couple of months ago it was the beginning of the end for that part of me. It instigated a change in my mind that leant towards taking corrective action and committing to altering my brain. I decided that I didn't want to be the person I had been for so long because ultimately I knew exactly where it was headed. I had had a taste of what my mind could put me through and through a meltdown had chosen to rise from the ashes and start anew. Shit if it was only as easy and magnificent as that sounds! It's hard work that requires commitment to several things everyday, the hardest of which is overcoming my own mind.

Here is an example of what I have to fight routinely and why I have to employ a number of tactics on it. I could be busy with work and have a few things I need to do outside of this. This goes like this, 'when will I do them?' How long they will take? When will I have time to train/meditate/read?' In starting along this road I become anxious. I may then worry about the work I am doing at that moment, 'is it good enough?' 'What will so and so think of it? Don't f*ck it up.' At this point I will perform a few thinking errors (which I have since learnt a lot about through my CBT sessions), which will put me into a low that I generally won't get out of til the next day, or perhaps for a few days. It will affect how I act with my wife, I won't want to see friends and I will generally revel in a quagmire of self loathing with feelings of sadness, hopelessness and lethargy.  Around this time someone helpful may say something about how other people are finding it really tough in their lives, or mention some atrocity or natural disaster somewhere in the World. Whether intentional or not that makes me feel guilty about how I am feeling about something that is seemingly insignificant. So as a result I don't talk about how I actually feel and when people ask I say "Oh yeah I'm great thanks, work is busy, which is good, same old, same old!" Thus I then dwell on how I feel and the vicious circle saps the enjoyment out of everything I used to find pleasure in.
How marvellous!

That is me summing it up in a brief way, there is more to it than that, which I have only discovered by talking it through with a professional. But as I sit here and think about it, it all makes much more sense to me. For the first time in a long time I am aware and know that I have the tools to deal with my own mind. I am rational enough now to know that this isn't my fault, my brain has been in control of me for some time and it has learnt some nasty shit along the way. I know that there are other people out there in much worse circumstances than myself that are getting on with life and enjoying it. I respect that, but it doesn't mean shit to someone with depression because they can't just switch off their brains, sadly that is the darker path to freedom from this thing. There is also a conversation about how "developed" nations suffers so much with depression compared to those in the "developing" World (I despise these names), despite the latter suffering with famine, disease and war. At times I think their simpler way of living is the key to their happiness, they are the ones that live their lives fully with friends and family around them. Perhaps it's time to stop rushing about "doing" stuff, buying "things" and just accepting and appreciating.

Are you ok?

Tom

Monday posting

I forgot to post this after writing it on Monday, so I'll just leave this here...

Trying to balance life is always a challenge. Whoever you are and whatever your situation there will always be things pulling you in one direction and then the other. You'll have to make choices about what you do on a daily basis and accept that you can't do everything. Unfortunately there are many of us that can't balance things and will end up over cooking themselves.

Since doing the Mindfulness meditation programme I have become more aware of this balance. By no means have I perfected it, in fact I am feeling crap today because I got it wrong last week. But I am aware and although I feel particularly low today, I know that it's as a result of all the good things I did last week with weight lifting, acro training and running. Knowing the result means that I can change my weekly plan accordingly. Not only will this mean I have enthusiasm and energy for the things I enjoy, but that I have the energy to work too. I sometimes forget that I have a slightly physical job, which despite being manageable still uses up more energy than I give it credit for. 

Last week I had a great discussion with a mate of mine. It was probably the first time that we had sat down and openly talked about depression and the like. The realisation in that talk was that there are key variables to get right to ensure a balance in my life. If I'm training and meditating regularly and organise my week then I will feel fine. I've boiled it down to these three because they have the most impact on how I feel when I don't do them. I'm yet to get specific, but I think I'd feel ok if each week I did the following:

• Train a minimum of 5 times
• Meditate on at least 5 days
• Work a minimum of 3 days

It may sound extreme to lay it out so neatly, but I'm not good at this shit so I have to work at it! That means writing action lists, using my diary effectively and basically running my life like a business. Unfortunately I have to look at my time and energy as a rare commodity, if I just give it up without thought and say yes to everything without consideration then before I know it I'll be a broke man in more ways than one. Once you realise this for yourself then you'll enjoy your life that bit more because you understand that you have a choice in everything. 

Today is one of those fuzzy, low days. I'm physically tired and a little unclear in the head. But like I said before I know why and am not dwelling on it. I've got a plan for today to get jobs done and organise my week, so I don't fall into a dark place. It's taken me years to realise that my mind wasn't normal, but that it could be managed. I didn't talk openly, so I didn't know how to deal with it. That is the toughest part. But once I started on this journey of opening up I began to find others who were the same, they understood my feelings and crazy thoughts and all of a sudden I felt better. If you've ever thought negatively about yourself then the best medicine is to talk. You won't be able to rationalise negative thought in your head unless you know the techniques, but talking to others will help. If they are able to question you about what your are thinking about then you'll be able to see how you can manage that thought, dispel the negativity and move forwards.

If you really want to help yourself then I'd recommend reading the following books from top to bottom:

• Depressive Illness The Curse of the Strong, Dr Tim Cantopher
• Mindfulness a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world, Professor Mark Williams and Dr Danny Penman.
• The Ultimate Introduction to NLP, Richard Bandler, Alessio Roberti and Owen Fitzpatrick.

I've found these to be the most helpful for understanding depression and learning practical techniques for managing it.

Until next time, are you ok?

Tom

Last week I found out how much I need to be consistent with my meditation and keep organised to avoid pitfalls. 

Having felt good for a few weeks I got busy with work and neglected the meditation program. Last week I did no meditations with the result being that I felt hopeless, sad and lethargic again. By the time I reached Saturday I was not in a good place. It was bad timing because I also had a cold last week, so I was a little fuzzy headed at work. Not being very clear in the head and not having meditated at all meant my mind wandered to the dark side and began a series of negative loops. I should have seen this coming sooner, but I was caught up being busy. Fortunately after talking it through with Catherine I made a plan for the week and then got back into meditation this morning.

This was just another lesson for me. It was a reminder that if I don’t put the hard work in and consistently employ the tools to manage my depression then I will never have control. The tools that have worked are still meditation, lifting weights and being organised. None of it is rocket science, but all of it requires effort to consistently do these things. 

I knew that it would never be easy to change myself. I’ve developed a persona over many years and I almost feel a regression is the first step to progression. That’s hard to put into words and explain. But when you have consistently been a positive character, hiding your true self then you will only ever look like you are worse even though you are getting better. I’m still working on the whole brain re-wiring thing, which is separate to the management tools above. It takes a lot of effort to remember to do something new when you have employed the same though patterns for so long. But I will get there with that too because I’m tired of feeling the way I did at the weekend. It just reminds me of the times when I was much, much worse.

On a separate note I am starting to work out a balance in life. Having always thought I needed to be busy to stay happy I’ve realised that this is in fact false. When I am busy working I don’t have time to concentrate on the negative things. This sounds like it should be a good thing, but if you are so busy that you don’t deal with your rotten fruit then it just festers. That is why meditation works so well. In the beginning it asks you to observe your thoughts, but then return to your breathing. As the practice develops in the program you are asked to focus on difficulties and recognise what it does to your body. From this you are able to increase your awareness of what things affect you and employ tools to deal with them. Sometimes it is as simple as being able to make a list after meditation and work through what is on your mind, breaking it down into manageable chunks. At other times it is recognising that a person isn’t helping your recovery and dealing with that accordingly. 

Our brains don’t come with manuals, but there is enough information out there to figure them out. I hope that anyone feeling shit about themselves or restricting their progress in life can understand that ti doesn’t have to be that way and that change is possible. It won’t always be easy for a number of reasons, but it will be worth it in the end.

Are you ok?

Tom

Making progress

It has been awhile since my last post and there are a number of reasons for this break. Mainly because I haven't felt the need to write as I have been focussing on acting rather than reflecting. I have also been ill over the last week and that is never a good position to pickup writing from, you just feel sorry for yourself!

The 'acting' that I speak of has been the meditation program I've followed over the last six weeks. Today is the final day of week six and there are only two more weeks left of the guided Mindfulness program. It has been an eye opening experience, which has given me a lifetime tool to help with my depression. I think that once I became aware and searched for help I found the things I needed were right in front of me, easily accessible and straight forward. Meditation was something I was familiar with from an early introduction at school and then in yoga. Alongside that I re-discovered the benefits of lifting weights and the punchbag at the gym. I've also been seeing a psychologist for three weeks and the cognitive behavioural therapy is something I can use when the negative chatter begins in my head. To re-train my brain and remove negative thinking I've started using neuro linguistic programming as recommended by my brother.

This multi-faceted approach may seem like overload, but it has been a step by step plan, one that I was conscious not to rush nor overdo. I began a change the day I recognised I had a problem, one that had been an affliction without a name for so many years. For most that read this it comes as a surprise, but that just proves how good a showman I have been. I just used to think that something was wrong with me, I couldn't understand why I felt so low, why I hated myself so much and what the point of my life was. You could say that everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, but when you feel this way at the age of 12 or 13 it breaks you a little. I can look back on so many times now and realise that I did have something wrong with me, but I wasn't alone, nor was it just a time I was going through in my life.

You often hear people talk about finding themselves or going off to some place to find themselves. As strange as it sounds the first instance I can understand. Having reached a new type of low, something changed in my mind, a little light bulb went off. I was aware of my problem in a new way and from that I chose to seek help, I chose to write about it, I chose to act on it not reflect on it with words. So now I am in the process of changing, not because I think I can rid myself of depression, but because I know that I can manage it. The end goal is not happiness but calmness. It is the ability to look at happiness and unhappiness as passing emotions, enjoy them both equally, but be unaffected by them. Not like a robot, but by a person that knows his mind and knows how dangerous emotions are to it.
I can also understand the latter instance above of people going off to find themselves. It sounds ridiculous to many. But if you have lived a certain life that has been bad for your health or pushed you to a dangerous limit then escaping that life and making a new start is what you need. 'Finding yourself' can happen anywhere, but removing yourself from danger or stagnation is necessary to achieve it.

It all sounds a little crazy when I read it over, but you know I don't care. I'm moving closer each day to the point where I don't care what people think. Where I am comfortable just being honest even if it makes others uncomfortable. At the end of the day if we can't speak our minds and be honest to what we think and believe then we are living a lie and damaging ourselves in the process. When people have asked me "how are you?" (as people do everyday without care for the answer) I have responded honestly, "not great" "bit shit really". I don't do it because I want them to say "oh poor you, what's the matter?" I do it because by being honest with myself and accepting my lows enables me to get it out of my head and move forwards with managing it. So next time you see a friend or family member don't ask how they are unless you mean it and don't dismiss them if they decide to tell you the truth.

Are you ok?

Tom

Talking

Earlier I read a post that a friend had liked and did one of those dickish things of commenting.

The post included this photo:

Now this is a fair statement. But the reason I replied was because suicide is not a simple thing. I know that is an obvious statement, but the reason I write it is because you have to have gone through some turmoil to get to that stage. You have to be in a dark place or one filled with sadness, lethargy and hopelessness. Perhaps I generalise a little here, I know that everyone's experiences are different, but it's a fair assumption from what I've experienced.

Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.

There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.

I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.

You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.

However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.

So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough.  Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.

Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.

Are you ok?

Tom

Hanging with the psychologist

Last week was a good week (alleluia they cry!) Despite working 50 hours I had my energy back, I felt normal. I managed five sessions in the gym and enjoyed my time off at the weekend, with only a little anxiety returning on Sunday.

As of yesterday I am into week three of my Mindfulness meditation course. Last week focused on the body and tuning into the sensations the body produced, what I could feel. This week is aimed at looking after the body still and working on that mind body connection. I have an 8 minute stretch meditation, followed by an 8 minute breathing version. I do that once a day and then twice a day do a 3 minute "breathing space" meditation, which is designed to calm your mind when you might get worried or stressed through the day. The whole thing is simple to do and I feel a lot calmer already. I'm proud of myself for making time to do this and be consistent with it. a The biggest change for me is looking after myself first and that requires that I balance my life in all aspects, so that I don't end up down the rabbit hole again.

The other superb thing I've achieved recently is consistency at the gym. I'm happy to be back lifting weights again and have not missed running over the last few weeks. The testosterone boost I get from lifting is huge, it makes me feel strong, which in turn is a good thing for the mind. Like meditation lifting weights doesn't allow you space to think about other things. Actually that makes it better than meditation because lord knows my mind wanders like a mofo when I am practicing! But with weight lifting you can't be worrying about shit when you are pressing 60 kilos above your face! It also gets you to tune into each muscle group that you are working, whilst breathing in a controlled manner. If you didn't want to meditate then weight lifting would be a close second for any man.

Aside from the afore mentioned successes I've also started eating more each day, which keeps me from descending into low energy depressive episodes, also know as being "hangry". This is especially important when getting in a training session after a long day, something I haven't had a problem with since eating more at breakfast and through the day. I've not eaten like this since I was in my early twenties. Perhaps I'll get back to my glory days of eating two pizzas and a dessert in one sitting ;)

With all this success I had my first psychologist appointment this morning. It was much like when you take your broken car to the garage with a funny noise. You know something is broken, but when the mechanics look at it they can't find anything wrong. As I sat talking to the lady I realised how much better I felt, that I had already come a long way in changing who I am. She told me that I couldn't have done anything more in the two weeks prior to seeing her. But as she put it there is always more tools to learn to help in the future when the darkness threatens to prevail. So from next week I start Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I think it is something to do with acting like a Terminator.

Are you ok?

Tom

Shaking hands with conflict

I am not aiming to blog everyday, but when I have something worthwhile to say I feel I may as well get it out. Otherwise I will have probably forgotten it by the time I next come to write!

Today was the day that I spoke with the guy I am working with about the hours. As you know we had a big week last week and that finished me off. So I needed to let him know that I couldn't continue to do days of 10-12 hours, especially as I am paid a day rate that is below the norm (that's another story). Essentially this "chat" was a test of myself. It is easy in everyday life to build things up in your mind beyond what they will actually be. When you are depressed this can get out of control and it often neutralises any action you might take. On the other hand you can let things boil up and eventually you explode over nothing. So you can see why this was an important step to take for me. I had worked on what I was going to say and thought I knew what his opinion would be. In the end I wasn't nervous and I put my point across calmly, not something I have been good at previously. His reaction was what I expected as he is set in his ways and has his way of working. So in effect I got something. I stood up and said my piece without nerves in a calm way and his reaction made up my mind for me. I will work for him in the future, but I won't tie myself to him. I am going to pick and choose what jobs I do. Not because I am some amazing carpentry dude that people are falling over to employ, but because I am worth more and I don't deserve to feel like shit, get paid shit money and endanger my life. I could be back working for him in two weeks, but it will only be because I choose to, not because I owe him anything (a dangerous thought process I used to have). Shit this paragraph is long.

Moving forwards. A good friend many years ago told me I should charge clients what I think I am worth. At the time and to this day I admire that confidence. I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now. But I see the merit in what he was saying. If you can't believe in yourself and how damn good you are then nobody else will and people will walk over you (I may have extrapolated a little!)

The thought of rejection, of people saying no fills us with enough dread (or is that just me?) that our minds are able to conjure it into a behemoth that it is not. That old saying: "the worst they can say is no" is not something I enjoy. Nobody likes to be told no or rejected. But it shouldn't be a problem because we are not going to die if somebody says no. It just means we have to try a different approach or improve our argument. Sometimes it means moving away from that person or opportunity to something new. I'll admit that if enough people say no then it may be you that is the problem, so don't think you are always right. But why not just say "fuck it", I'm going to think this through and give it a shot and I am going to see where it goes. If I don't try and fix my mental state, my situation, my thought processes, my actions then I am screwed, because there is nothing you can do about things outside of your control.

Another rant in this one I'm afraid. I am not editing or reading this stuff back, because it's just an outlet at the moment. But one day in the future I will have it together enough to know that this was the crazy beginnings of someone much more balanced, calm and determined.

I'm off to Ballet Revolucion with Catherine tonight. A combination of ballet and hip hop, should be interesting. I'm trying to do more 'stuff' because that is getting me out of my hermit shell.

Until next time, are you ok?

Tom

Meditating is my medicine

As the title suggests I have begun an eight week programme of meditation from the book Mindfulness. Meditation has now been shown to be as effective as anti-depressants at treating depression. That's a big statement, but one the book will back up for me. Meditation is now one of the preferred methods recommended by the UK's National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. Many people have used meditation for years, but with MRI we are able to see the evidence of the effectiveness of this tool. 

That is what meditation means to me, it is a tool to help me calm the negative chatter and focus on living in the present. It is not the first time I have come across it, I was introduced by a teacher in primary school that saw the benefits in the late 80's. Perhaps the benefits were more for her as we were a rowdy class of boys and this was a strategy to get us to shut up for a bit. But I still remember sitting in class with my eyes closed, focussing on my breathing. Strange really because I haven't thought of that for years, but it is like yesterday now. The most recent time was here in Australia when Catherine and I were part of a group of great people practicing yoga as part of a 40 day transformation. Other than practicing six days a week, we looked into meditation, diet and our own attitudes and beliefs. It was a confronting, but awesome experience. Needless to say I was crap at doing the meditation. I didn't commit fully to the 40 day transformation, so I got out what I put in, a great workout and amazing friends. 

Fast forward to today. I am confronted by my own walls. Walls that I have kept up successfully for years. Walls which are habits created through a need to keep a burden from those closest to me. Walls that hide my real self and present what I want people to see. I'm not about to just tear those walls down, because I have got used to the security they offer. But I've had a few too many realisations in the last month not to start the process and sharing is part of that. The meditation is the tool to keep it all rational and make sure I don't fall down the rabbit hole. There is an urgent need for meditation that I didn't have before. It's easy for me to see why I don't have consistency in a lot of things in my life, because there is no need, no urgent cause to. Now however I do have that need. It has boiled down to the basics. I have to live. I have to dispense with the unnecessary, remove the stress and get down to the nitty gritty to re-build myself. Just as well I learnt some carpentry to build with eh?!

This is not meant to sound negative, but I have reached the point as I said previously where I just don't care for much. Right now I am focussed on meditating, loving my wife and getting well. Anything that conflicts with those things is going to get kicked into touch. For too long I have focussed on too many things, too many people. That isn't necessarily bad, but for now I will be going hermit crab on a few things. Once I'm well I'll be more Sebastien lobster (I'll let you work the reference ;))

Shit I don't even know where I was going with this post! But I guess I am just spitting some lines to clear my head and let you know that the meditation medicine is working. I'll keep you in the loop as I continue with it.

Thank you to all of you that have contacted me, it means a lot.

Are you ok?

Tom

What happened to the balance?

After last week I thought I was improving a little. But working long hours for 6 days this week has set me back a little. Unsurprisingly working 12 hour days has destroyed my energy. But it's not the normal energy that I am lacking, this is the sort where by making the simplest decisions are a tax on your soul. Extreme huh. Just part of the old depression ride.

Part of this illness is a long running issue of confidence, self belief and negative talk. It may seem to most that I have no problem with confidence, but as I have said before bullshitting is my game and I'm able to pull the wool over the eyes of the closest people. This problem is one that I will be addressing with a psychologist soon. My doctor thought I was doing well (so did I mate) and suggested I see a psychologist when I was more stable. This is the old chicken and egg dilemma, what comes first? In some ways I can't approach the psych side before I stabilise because I'm struggling to find the energy to do normal day to day stuff, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to open up Pandora's box.

I know this much is true. I don't help myself very much. I did reach a point yesterday when I had finished a 12 hour Saturday that I didn't care. But it was more out of lack of energy than some Zen meditative plane that I had reached. I just couldn't give a shit anymore. The sad thing that I am struggling with is that I don't care a lot about anything at the moment. I care about my amazing wife Catherine, but beyond that I am not really able to care for much else. I will admit that I am not at my best in writing this, so this post will appear worse, but when I get to this level of fatigue all I have is the truth. The bullshit has gone and I can be an open book, maybe that is a good thing.

I had a great talk with Catherine this morning. By great I mean I actually talked a little about what I was feeling. Sometimes words can't do justice to how you feel, sometimes your mind won't work to let you tell the most important person in your life how you feel. Some days it would be useful if Catherine was like Professor X in the X-Men, with his telepathic powers she could feel what I feel and have an understanding of this mind of mine. From me talking I reminded myself that I have to meditate and do it daily. The gym has been great, but I have only been once this week, so I need a daily practice to help calm me. This is probably the one habit that I need to create in earnest because I can do it anywhere anytime.

There is not much else for me to splurge from my brain right now, so I'll leave it at that. When I am in a better place I will tell you about some of the work I have been doing and what events we are planning on running in the coming months.

Thanks for listening.

Are you ok?

Tom

Action strategy

This week has certainly been an improvement on last week. Before I head off to the mountains for a little half marathon trail run I wanted to tap out what I have done as a reminder of what can be achieved.

After numerous talks with friends, two doctors appointments and a little punchbag therapy some of the fog is clearing in my head. In some respects I now feel better than I have for months, perhaps longer. I still have a long way to go of course, but I am taking action to improve. The action is that which I have described above and for some that may seem straight forward. But it has taken a long time to get to this point. A long time of not being honest and truthful with myself and others about how I was feeling. But hey I'm learning a lot more about myself and my mind now, so that's a positive!

Talking has been my greatest skill and my biggest downfall. I am good at talking to pretty much anybody, making friends as I go through life, but rarely have I been able to talk to those closest to me about the important things. So the biggest change I have seen this week is just that. I'll admit it is baby steps, but I've been able to talk a little about what I am feeling and that is a start. It is all because of writing this blog that I have been able to open up to friends lately. By talking about how sh#t I feel on here it then makes it easier to do in the real world. But let me tell you that if one more person tells me how good it is to talk I WILL slap them. Talking is good, but offloading this darkness is not.

The doctor that I have seen this week has been great too. Mainly because his advice was practical and optimistic. He didn't want me to go on meds, but told me to take action. To get back in the gym, to write and to remind myself that it would get better. The first started that evening with a session on the punchbag and I've now been in the gym four days in a row. The second wasn't difficult, I've been doing that for years, but more recently it has been more consistent and not always just a negative form of expression. Speaking to the doctor twice was a step that I had to take to confirm to myself in no uncertain terms that I was, I am ill. It may be an illness that lets you carry on working, thinking and leading a normal life. But normal with this illness is erratic at best and it affects every little thing you do more than a broken leg.

The punchbag therapy has been excellent at offloading some raw energy and reducing the anger levels. That is another key area that I need to work on, but the results have been amazing for my energy levels. 

These have been my main strategies for the week and I certainly feel more positive for putting them into action. Moving forwards I will be incorporating some daily meditation and a technique for quashing negative talk. I'll explain a little more about those two next time.

Enjoy your weekend, I'm off to run like a mad fool in the mountains.

Tom