Clarity?

On my walk home from the chiropractor last night I had 30 minutes of the strangest feeling. Normally I don't get a full "episode", but rather snippets of the feature film. But for that 30 minute walk I had a calm like no other, a contentment and peace in myself that was unbroken by my mind. I was neither happy nor sad, but rather I was just being. I felt relaxed (possibly from chiro), but it was the sort of relaxed you feel when you are too tired to fight anymore, when your mind and body just chill the fuck out. Perhaps that was all it was, just fatigue from working long hours, being in the sun on a hot tin roof and having consumed four coffees (not all at once!) Whatever the cause was I don't care. If I knew the combination code that elicited that safe of feeling to be opened then I'd do anything to get it again. It was an amazing experience.

But that is just part of a bigger feeling I've had recently. For all my posts about falling off the wagon I have been making progress. I need to write that as much to tell myself as you, but I'm crawling forwards. Some days it's like dragging myself through treacle, with a head that won't compute the simplest tasks and feeling like I've been tranquillised. But little by little I have better days when work makes sense, I don't forget shit and I'm a positive person to be around. But it takes time I will tell you that for free. I am realising now how little I knew myself before and how different I am slowly becoming. It's not an outward change because I don't give a damn about that, rather it's inside that is changing and that's the juicy bit, quite literally. Somebody once said that I don't need to change, that I am great the way I am. But I am only great to those outside of my head, for all the people I meet will always get the friendly and supportive Tom. But that is not what I am trying to change. It's the evil shit inside that nobody sees that I'm working on.

On a different note I had a chat with a friend about positive motivational quotes the other day. I was annoyed by the emptiness of the words that are bandied about on Facebook posts everyday. I don't know why this gets my goat so much, after all these people are only trying to be positive. That is certainly better than the negativity everywhere. But perhaps it is because people don't really think about what they are saying or that the words have no real meaning. It could be because the words are empty when you don't act on them, learn from them. As I've said before you can't just talk a good game, you have to work at it every damn day.mI do my meditation regularly now and have started a regular stretch programme with Catherine. The gym is irregular but I'm not killing myself over it, when I stop doing physical 50 hour weeks then I'll get back into it! The key for me is to take action consistently if I want to see a change and not just moan about things or write about them.

I don't remember if there was a purpose to this post other than speaking of my "calm" experience. But if there's a point to make I guess it is this, don't give up. If you want change then act. Stop fucking complaining about shit and talking it over, thinking about it and throwing up barriers to your success, JUST DO IT. Yes for some things you'll need a plan, but you know what for most stuff you don't, just act. Learn from your mistakes because planning will only take you so far and won't prevent bad stuff happening. In fact you'll learn more if you experience the bad stuff, just look at me as a case in point, without Depression I wouldn't be making changes to myself in order to improve my life.

Mull on that for a bit, but make sure you act on it.

Tom