Dear Rob

Movember begins tomorrow and for the first time I will be growing a suitably tragic moustache to raise money for men's mental health and suicide prevention. As Movember states "three out of four suicides are men" and whilst the reasons for this are often complex there are many practical things we can do to help each other.

Talking about our experiences and sharing tools with each other are two powerful ways to help. Whilst I may be good at talking to people when it comes to the complex workings of my brain I am terrible. That is why I write and so as Movember kicks off tomorrow I thought I'd share a couple of thoughts this week, not for myself but for those friends that didn't make it through their battle with depression.

You can check my team's progress and donate here: My mobro page



Dear Rob,

It has been a little while since I wrote last, but you've been in my mind since the day you left. I recently saw your name again on a fiction novel and thought it impressive that you could find time to write from the other side. I chuckled when I thought that and knew you'd share the laugh if we were together. That is what I remember first of you mate when you come to my mind.

Though our time together as friends was brief I enjoyed every moment, perhaps not when you were talking about killing yourself, that wasn't so enjoyable. But I am glad you did, because for a short period of time you let me help and I am grateful for that. I'm just sorry I wasn't there for you at the end.

I remember all our catchups so vividly, it's like a movie playing over in my head again and again. I am thankful for that because I can still hear your voice, see your smile and replay our games of pool together as though it was this morning. But it was not this morning was it. It was roughly twelve years ago.

When I heard the news from my brother in London I understood why you had decided to end your life. Lord knows I've thought about it often enough and been close enough to that desperation to escape. You had talked to me about how you felt and I listened and for a period of time it helped. But I now realise that I was just one person, too young and inexperienced to truly help. I was a Bandaid for a gunshot wound.

You taught me a lesson that I didn't truly learn until years later, that it takes a huge amount of effort on your own as well as from others to work through depression. It is not a simple exercise of "being positive" or "having a chat" it is far more complex and requires you to discard a large part of who you are and re-learn a healthier way to live. Perhaps if I'd had that knowledge back then I might have been able to help more, but "might have" lives in parallel universe.

Thank you for being my friend and teaching me more than a good game of pool,

Tom

Taking a holiday

Catherine and I recently returned from a week break on Magnetic Island up in Queensland. It was a fantastic holiday for many reasons, but the main one was that I felt the most relaxed I've been in years.

It is difficult to explain to anyone how you feel inside your head, but last year I literally felt that I had experienced the best of my life. I had struggled with depression for years riding a rollercoaster, from extreme episodes of darkness to peaks of happiness. The brief pauses between each when I rode that flat calm section of track were welcome breaks, but fleeting at best.

Over the last year I have worked at different techniques to calm my mind and better myself. That work has led me to create the book that I will publish at the end of the year (shameless plug!), which contains all the things I have found work well for me. It's no literary masterpiece, but I hope that it will prove to be a useful handbook for anyone going through depression. Perhaps it may even help those not suffering to understand a tiny piece of it and then support their friends or family in that struggle.

Today is a different story to how I felt last year and our holiday away was the time away I needed to show me that. I wasn't overthinking, but just enjoying time relaxing, spending time with Catherine and soaking up the nature on Magnetic Island. It reminded me of all the simple things to marvel at and that sometimes living life means not taking action, or thinking, but just soaking up the environment you are in.

While on "Maggie" I lapsed a little on the meditation practice which I have made a daily focus over the last three months. I was on holiday after all, so I relaxed my regime a little! Since returning to the faster pace of life in Sydney I have resumed normal operations in that regard in order to keep that calm of mind. I am happy to say that my goal over a year ago has been achieved and now I am working on maintaining that achievement. All those months ago I said to myself I wanted to reach a place where my mind was calm and I didn't get caught up in happy or unhappy thoughts and feelings. I can only maintain that through consistent brain work, but it is most definitely worth the effort.

My book whose working title is "Grumpy Man" will be available through iBooks, Kindle and as a PDF at the end of the year. I am sure it will make a useful stocking filler, just be diplomatic as to how you present it!

Are you ok?

Tom :)