Working hard

This week I worked a lot at a lot of different things. I didn't work as much as Catherine because I would probably keel over if I had to do that, but we all know she is a little trooper. That being said I am trying to support her as she has been working on this project for a long time and it's about to get even tougher as they near the completion. Thank goodness for meditation, exercise and sleep! Thankfully the new sleeping routine I wrote out with C last weekend seems to be helping her to get off to sleep quicker and get a better quality of sleep with less worry. A bedtime routine is essential for good sleep hygiene and getting rid of the technology stimulation has been a small part of that. She's doing an amazing job and I am extremely proud and constantly amazed by her tenacity, willpower and commitment. She just needs to remind herself how amazing she is, how far she has come and how important she is.



A short time ago I set a limit on myself of not working more than 50 hours a week. At that time I had identified that number as the limit of my coping abilities. I also said I wouldn't work Saturdays in order to fully rest and enjoy my time off. However times change, I have progressed beyond what I thought possible. Quite simply I got off my arse and took action to change. I have been working on a new habit of getting up and training early before work, of meditating each day and committing myself to work. No matter what mood I've had this week I've reminded myself that I am at work to get shit done, to learn and not think about anything outside of this. I've been doing 50 hours a week with Steve and then private work early in the mornings or after hours. I worked a Saturday to get a new client's work done as I can't get there in the week. Am I doing too much? Maybe. But the difference is my mindset, I am committed to taking action on the things I want to change and that comes from hard work. Yes I need to be intelligent about it and that is where meditation, exercise and a good sleep routine balance the workload out.


So what has changed?

1. I've been getting up earlier. I've been using the apps Hypnos and Sleep Cycle in order to get the right amount of sleep and make the most of my time. These have allowed me to get up at 5 or 5:30 am and feel awake and rested. I plan on making this earlier as I find early mornings are my most creative and productive. 
2. The key to any of my new changes has been to tie it into my existing routine. I spoke about this before in "Taking action and creating habits" and how we should start really small and frequently remind ourselves when creating a new habit. With that in mind I have been meditating in the mornings when I make my morning cuppa, the bare minimum I aim for is 3 minutes. If I do more then that is a bonus, but 3 minutes is all I need achieve for now. 
3. I have been getting my training in, whether it is early in the morning or as soon as I get back from work I have made sure that I did it regardless of how I felt. On Tuesday I had to run 10x400m intervals with 400m recovery after each. I went down to the beach feeling ok and ran around the grassy area in front of the beach (conveniently 400m long) until I had completed the session. I was tired and didn't run as fast as I wanted, but by the end I had run 8km around a circle and finished my training. I gave myself a pat on the back and noted a win for the week. 
4. Rewards. I've started to reward myself for the small wins I have. This does not mean I eat chocolate, food or buy clothes for myself it just means I tell myself "good job Tom" when I have done a meditation, a training session or just got up early. I have a larger reward in mind, but until I can congratulate myself on the small wins and enjoy them I won't be able to enjoy the big stuff later on. (My brain doesn't work in a normal way remember!)

That is not to say that I haven't been challenged by my brain and it's old tricks. Yesterday when I was working on making a pool box for a client it began to rain and was consistent for a couple of hours. I worked through it, but it slowed me done (power tools in the rain = injury). I also made a mistake when buying the cladding I got the wrong length for what I needed, so I had to return it and correct the mistake. I also took longer to get my frame right as I realised I would have to make it in two pieces and clad the back before I put it in place over the pool cover. All this began to produce some familiar thought processes with my brain telling me "you are taking too long" and "you won't make any money out of this now". Fortunately I was able to just listen to this and accept that it was just a thought before calmly continuing with my work, enjoying the slowness, the precision and the satisfaction from not fucking it up. I learnt a lot from yesterday and because I took my time I didn't make a couple of bug mistakes that I would've had I rushed. Yes the rain was cold and wet, but like my thoughts it wasn't going to kill me, nor deter me from producing smart work. I have to go back to finish off as there is more to do, but I feel more confident about it and am looking forward to seeing the finished result.

Conclusion

I've chattered on a lot, but the point was to say that I am improving and progressing with my mind and my actions. I don't want to be the person that "talks a good game", but rather the man that takes action and lives by what he writes and says. None of what I am writing now has come overnight, I have to work at it each day, it is my life. But strangely having that to drive me has helped a lot. I am doing this for myself because as I said last year I had had enough. I needed to change and now after a year of working out what works and what doesn't I am finally putting in the work to make a lasting impact. If you feel the self pity, lethargy and hopelessness that I felt last year and in the years before then perhaps now is the time to start taking action. Your brain will always do it's own thing if you let it. Accept these two things:

1. Your thoughts are not real, they won't physically stop you from doing anything. (Even if you think they can.)
2. You can take control and change your brain.

How long will you let your brain control your life?

Tom out (mic drop)

Recovery road

These last couple of weeks have been truly amazing. Since my pep talk from my friend Andrew I have taken some consistent action on everything from my attitude involving work to my approach to training. My excitement levels have risen and I've been thinking in a much more proactive way. It feels the strangest thing because for the first time in a long time I feel that I am in control. Even more exciting is that I am going to do everything I can to enjoy the life I've got.

This kind of acrobatics.

Over the weekend I had a great time. Not only did I get to spend time with my wife (still sounds weird saying that!) but I also read a little, wrote a little, ate a lot, listened to a long podcast and did some acrobatics (see right). Oh and I got to see the new X-Men film. All in all a busy, yet relaxing weekend.

On Sunday morning after dropping some timber off at a client's home I grabbed a coffee and a vanilla doughnut from Pasticceria Papa. I settled into the driver's seat of Alf Stewart (the ute) and read the latest New Scientist. For 30 minutes I was in heaven, although that could've been the two shots of caffeine and a diabetes inducing doughnut. Nevertheless it felt great to do something as simple as sit and read, without pressure from my own mind that I was being lazy. I think after working 55 hours last week I could happily tell my mind where to go with that thought! For me there is a necessity just to sit and read, to stop and slow down my mind and body. When I don't get to do this I feel rushed and I resent what takes me away from this simple part of my day. So don't get in my way people!

It is a big deal for me to write and say that I haven't felt the anxiety of previous weeks over the last two weekends. If I'm being honest it makes me a little teary to say that I haven't felt like life is empty. It is a great thing. It shows me that I've reached another level in my recovery and changed a little more. I can still think of how I felt a year ago and at times within the last 12 months since. I don't think that deep feeling of sadness, hopelessness and fatigue with life can ever be forgotten. Nor should it. Whatever stage people find themselves within mental illness they should always be reminded of how far they have come and why they should carry on to move forwards. I certainly don't want to forget as it is motivating me to get up earlier and get training done, get my book writing completed and enjoy life to the full.

As per usual with these update posts I don't know where I was headed. There probably was no goal other than to write and tell you how I am doing. I'm trying to reach out and help others with what I am continuing to learn, but some times I just need to write about me and be a selfish prick for a moment. Ok... that was the moment.

In conclusion I just want to ask you to do one thing this week. Take time to do one thing that you enjoy, whether it be drinking a coffee or reading a book. Whether it's alone or with friends, just make sure you do that one thing that makes you sigh and say, "this shit isn't too bad after all".

Tom :)

Reminders for the Mind

What a helmet

This week I have been busy working on a building project with Steve for a friend of mine in Paddington. It has been a great week of learning and satisfying physical work, but also exciting to see a project through from the start. After working on site I have also managed to fit in some after hours work too, so it's not left much time to write here or post anything to MrStevensWrites. However I have still managed to keep up my scribbles in one form or another and have got up before 5am to go for a training run twice this week. So I am still on track to creating my new habit of writing and training early, I'm certainly not beating myself up about it.

After talking with my friend Andrew late last night (I managed to stay awake until 11pm!) I realised that although none of us need a plan to start creating a new habit, but it might just help. When we want to create a new habit, perhaps in order to overcome an existing one, we are usually really motivated. We feel we could take on the world and succeed within 24 hours, but then life happens. We have a long day, a hard day, we encounter difficulty, stress and our new habits get left at the kerb. There is no doubt that creating a new habit is tougher than we think when we start it. As I have said before we must be consistent with out efforts in order to make progress. I have to remind myself of this a lot, sometimes I forget because other than my Adamantium skeleton I am only human. So what are we to do?

Reminders are everywhere in our lives. Whether it's a reminder on our phone to wish our family member a happy birthday or a familiar smell that reminds us of a long forgotten memory. Our brains need a little reminding in order to take action and keep taking it to produce a new result. Our brains however will take the path of least resistance. It makes sense that they are efficient, they've been developing over millions of years (sorry God). Now when we introduce something new the brain has to change the patterns created. But overcoming years of habit creation is like taming a lion with a wooden spoon. That's where reminders will help us to succeed. By placing reminders with existing habits like brushing teeth, making a cup of morning tea or making breakfast we can maintain consistency.

I think that left jar is making up for something

I recently put two jars next to the kettle. One contained 40 or so drawing pins, the other was empty. When I went to make my morning cuppa I was reminded by the jars that I needed to write. So once my tea was brewed I would sit and write a page in my notebook. Whatever came to my mind would go down. I would then transfer a pin from the full jar to the empty one in order to show myself progress. When I came home that evening and made tea I would see those jars again and be reminded to write. I would be able to repeat the morning process, but possibly write a little more like a blog post. It's a small and seemingly silly example that works really well for me (never underestimate the power of tea!), but it shows how easy it can be to remind yourself to do something and in that moment take action.

Andrew's new tactic is leaving himself reminders around his flat in order to change his mindset. I haven't yet spoken to him in detail about this, but I can see this working if he has notes on his bathroom mirror, perhaps inside the fridge on his microbiotic produce (lol) or on his front door. These places like my kettle are in your face throughout the day and that is what you are going to need in order to succeed in making a new habit work and creating a new mindset.


Conclusion
 I know I may repeat myself about this a lot, but that is because it is not rocket science, you just have to do it.

1. Start by leaving reminders for yourself around the house in places that you will go frequently. Write down what you need to hear and read it aloud when you see it. Hearing it as well as seeing it is much more powerful for your brain. Tie the reminders to established habits, like using the bathroom, brushing teeth, packing your work bag etc.
2. Write out the action you need to take to create your new habit on your reminders. If it's to get fit then you could say "Put on this kit and go for a 15 minute run", leave it by the toilet.
3. Track your progress. Leave a pen by your notes and tally up each time you carry out your new habit. Whether it's writing, reading, running or eating healthier. Make it visual so you can see your success and prove to your brain that you can do it.
4. Set yourself a reward. You want to get to the point where you can take action come rain or shine, no matter how you feel. That will be tough. So set a goal and a reward for when you achieve that goal. This may sound like "I want to get to the point where I am running twice a week for four consecutive weeks. My reward will be to go and watch Metallica in concert." The key is to make it important to you, something you really want that will help you in the early stages of habit creation.

Why not give it a go this week and let me know how you get on. I am off to stick post-it notes to my toilet, I'm planning on a trip to Florida as my reward.

Tom :)

Wheels on fire

I feel like I haven't written in ages, but it has only been five days since my last confessional. In that time I have achieved a great deal in taking the action I spoke about in my last post Ready Set Action. I have also had time off over the weekend, time in which I haven't felt rushed, nor felt like I've needed to be somewhere. That is because I've been acting, not thinking! For the first time in ages I feel excited about work, content about my direction and happy during my free time.

It's wheely good

After my last post I took some advice from my brother Rich who is qualified in Neuro Lingustic Programming (NLP). I'll let you learn about NLP for yourself, but it is something that I have started to use alongside meditation to literally help change my mind. Knowing what Rich knows I listened to what he had to say and thus learnt about the Wheel of Life.

My bro sent me the image to your right and explained how it works. To understand it check out this at the end of the post (don't leave me!) - Wheely helpful link. 

I completed the instructions Rich gave me and it identified four key areas that I need to work on. The results fitted perfectly with my previous post about action, which was reassuring. Sometimes it is obvious what you need to work on, but often you have to ask yourself objective questions rather than "think" what might need work. That's where tools like the Wheel of Life and NLP are invaluable for ensuring you progress and don't just "talk a good game".

Romance and fun all in one place :)

Conclusion

I've found that I need to work on my career, family and friends, romance and fun. Whatever you might think you know about me, or see from the outside I can assure you that I am far from perfect. I am not searching for perfection or happiness anymore, merely to improve on what I can be. To be a better man. Since last year when I had my little brain implosion I have been working on changing my mind, creating new habits and finding tools to deal with the bad, learn and move on stronger. I am now seeing the results after months of work and I like where I am headed.

Don't think about where you want to be too long, just get out and take action.

Tom :)

Ready, set, ACTION!

At the start of the week I wrote a post about how I was taking action. After my brother messaged me to ask me what I meant I knew that I had been suitably vague on the details. But I am still working this shit out, so it can take some time. My brain is basically like a Brita water filter, it absorbs a lot of crap, but eventually after an unknown period of time it gives out something I can absorb.

So after a few days of taking "action" I came upon a new way of dealing with my brain. Taking action is as simple as it sounds, it means getting off your backside and doing something, so that your brain can't flood you with endless negativity or purposeless questions. It means you take back control of your brain and better yourself and your life. It needn't be a big task that you take action on, it could just be putting the bins out. But you take that small task, own it and act on it. If you put off the small things then how will you progress on the big stuff?

So far I have split it into four key areas that I want to improve (this may increase later). The areas look like this....

My amazing brain diagram

 Work: I take action to improve my work life. That could be as simple as putting 100% into each work day no matter what crap jobs we may have to do. There is always something to be learnt from each working day no matter how small. It means focusing on the task in hand and not letting my mind wander. It also means networking and furthering my work outside of the 9-5 because none of us can rest on our laurels.

Family: Checking in with family, friends, loved ones. We all lead busy lives, whether they are actually busy or we just like to think they are we should still make time for the important people in our lives. Asking how others are doing not only helps you to stay grounded, but also makes those people feel wanted. I don't need to tell you how it feels when you are low and a friend checks in with you. So do the same for one of yours, they may not want to talk at that moment, but if you keep checking they may take you up on a chat.

Health: If you think because I used to be a PT that it's easy for me to look after my health then think again! I am no better at avoiding junk food, training regularly or getting enough quality than anyone else. I have barriers to training, diet and sleep like everyone else. I will say to myself that I need more sleep when my alarm goes off at 5am to train. Or I won't eat enough during the day because I couldn't be bothered to shop the night before. Like everyone else I will watch TV til I go to bed because I don't want to miss out on a show I'm following. If I am lacklustre with my physical health then how will my mental health cope? So my actions this week have been to train after work to get out and do something no matter how small it may be.

Love: This is pretty simple. It doesn't mean you have to "find" love. It can mean a variety of things and I mean it for me on multiple levels. I will love my wife, I will love writing, I will love eating, I will love doing handstands, I will love playing PS4 with my mate Simon. Whatever the thing or person you love, you should focus time in your week to doing those things or being with those people. Life is too short to miss out on doing the things you want to do, so just go and do them.

Taking action doesn't mean you make yourself crazily busy though. It means you act on the things that are important to you and that will improve your life and the lives of others as a result. I'm not saying you need to be a charity angel or give yourself to serving others, far from it. I'm actually saying that if you are selfish and think about what you love to do, what you want from your life and then take action then things will change for the better in your life. When you are doing what you want to do your mood and energy changes because you are in control, you are not a zombie sheep following everyone else. When your mood improves the mood of others around you improves, you become a leader of action not a follower of reaction.

But who am I to preach unless I do what I say, so here I am writing to tell you that I am doing these things. In the last two weeks I've overcome a couple of personal mountains, which have propagated the seedlings of a new direction. When you lack excitement and fulfillment from your life these are the moments you hold onto with all your might. It's hard work on a lot of fronts dealing with depression, but fuck it's worth it in the end. Just keep holding on.

Tom :)

Taking action and creating habits

Last week was an interesting one for the old head, but it all came good in the end thanks to the input or a certain Mr A (not me, someone else who's identity I must protect). I've spoke in my past blogs about taking action rather than just writing about it, planning it and thinking it over. All the last three things I am guilty of, but after a stern word by my good friend I did take some action on Friday evening. Not only did it feel exciting (take note of the Parental Bloody Advisory post to understand why this is important), but it kick started a weekend of actions that have created positive results.

I won't waffle on too much about the details here because the time for thinking it over and talking about it is gone. The time for just getting on with taking steps is here and as daunting as that may be it's a necessary step both for me and anyone that is saying "I can't.....". There are many things that may or may not hold us back in the pursuit of our goals, but they are in our minds until we are actually facing them. We shouldn't be the thing standing in our own way. It is hard to tell yourself this and that is why a true friend like Mr. A is vital to any team. If he hadn't taken me to the driving range on Friday to help me get my frustrations out and have a laugh then I would have started the weekend in a funk. If he hadn't told me to stop saying "I can't...." then I wouldn't have taken steps to help myself. Time to check your team.

This weekend I have done a little reading, though not much because of all the action I've been taking ;-) I have been reading a free e-book by James Clear on creating new habits. It's worth a look as there are some very practical tools in there for creating habits. After running ten miles this morning I am using these tools to continue that training and taking action. In terms of depression this action taking is vital because it counteracts the negative loop of thinking that routinely takes place inside my head. Whether it is me doubting myself or just the feelings associated with depression, action shows my brain that I can overcome these challenges. Through consistent action and results (success or failure) I can at least take my mind off the negative thinking for a moment or two.

There are times when I write to vent, but this is not one of those times. For once I am happy and excited about the coming days because I have been "doing" rather than thinking. It may seem a challenge at times but forgetting the thinking and just jumping into action will surprise you. So JUST DO IT.

Tom :)

Working on my paperclips

It's going to take me some time to fill that bad boy on the right

The day after the storm and as is usual nowadays I am once again determined to do something about this head of mine. As much as I love roller coasters this one is a bitch. However I am glad that at least I've snapped back quicker than before. Clearly all this writing and meditating is making me aware of what I can actually take action on, i.e. everything.

Now I may be a grumpy man, but it does cheer me when one of my best friends sends me a message with a helpful article. (This is not meant to sound sarcastic, but as I am a sarcastic bastard it may do.) The article in particular is this one by James Clear and it was just what I needed when I woke up at 5:45am this morning. Having woken a little groggy I turned my SleepCycle alarm off (check that out, it's awesome) and saw I had a message from my friend KT. In it she offered the article above thinking that I had written it (if only!), probably based on my chameleon like habit of changing names on social media. The article is great for explaining a little about anxiety, but it was the Paper Clip strategy that he mentions which has really helped this morning. Essentially it boils down to this. Take two jars and fill one with paper clips. Each time you take action on a task you want to be consistent with you move a paperclip to the empty jar. For example each time I write something I will move a paperclip across. For you it could be each time you take some exercise, meditate or any task you want to be consistent with. It's a visual strategy aimed at tracking your progress and reminding you in the most simple way. My jars are now by the kettle because as every Brit knows an Englishman loves his tea!

I'll keep you posted with my progress, but let me remind you that for every trip and stumble there is someone wanting to lend you a hand. For every shit day that you want to tell the world to get fucked, there is something better around the corner. But for now lets focus on the immediate and take action on what we can change, not what might or might not happen in the future.

Tom

Parental Bloody Advisory

Parental Advisory (you’ve been warned!)

Sometimes life calls for carbs

 I have been writing all this week about my thoughts and feelings through each day. It’s a practice of awareness, which is meant to help me spot triggers and trends when it comes to negative thinking and prevent a downward spiral before it occurs. It certainly helps because it is easy to “wallow” in a negative loop. It is easier than fighting against it with rational thought. A lot of people say this is where you need to be positive and look on the bright side. That’s all very well, but if you think depression is that easy than you really have no idea. In fact forget depression, if you were in a bad mood and someone said “cheer up mate, look at all the good things you have in your life”, do you think it would help? Do you think you’d miraculously feel better? I digress, my message is that writing a simple few lines or words on thoughts and feelings helps, so give it a go.

So let me be honest with you about my thoughts and feelings this week. In fact I have been dealing with this for a long time now, not just the last seven days. I have an overriding lack of excitement in life and this pervades everything. Alongside that I think “will I ever feel in the way I used to”. This sounds nuts as I write it. But I’ve thought and written more crazy shit in my life, so this is nothing new. In all honesty I’ve been thinking like this since I was a teenager (fucking hormones) and in some ways it just becomes tiring. Now I am an aware motherfucker, I can see the positive and amazing things in my life. I have a fantastic wife, I enjoy work, I live near the beach in a warm climate, life by all accounts is perfect. So why have the last two years been my worst for depression since I was a teenager? For me there has always been more to life than what most people are content with and this has led me down a rocky road. I am dealing with it by going back to basics. I’m doing all the small things I can that give me joy and working on being mindful and present each day. It’s not that I can’t experience happiness because I do; I laugh and smile like normal people, just not as often.

I was chatting with two of my oldest and dearest friends the other day, both of whom have serious health problems of their own. It was a brief catch up, just to check in on each other really. But after it I felt old, old in the sense that we all had health problems beyond our years. We have all used and abused our bodies and in some way it is catching up with us. I felt worry for two awesome, talented people, but it reminded me to keep in touch with those I love. Life is as long as a piece of string, we just don’t know which end of the ball we are given.

Fuck I don’t really know where this post was going, it certainly isn’t a helpful one for others. But it helps me and that is the only reason I keep writing this thing.

I will be taking myself off now to meditate and then read a little in order to stabilise this brain of mine. Keep watching MrStevensWrites for more positive, action taking posts than this.

Keep on keeping on wherever you are.

Tom

Brain changer

I have been reading a book given to me by a friend called The Brain that Changes Itself. That's the book's name not hers. It's a fascinating read about the ability of the brain to heal itself. Or rather use other areas of the brain when areas are damaged. The book details the science behind this neuroplasticity and shows how it's being used to treat conditions from schizophrenia to stroke paralysis.

I'm not that far through this book because as always I have gone from reading one to three again. But give me a few days and I will have devoured it ;) The beauty of reading something like this is that it shows how much the brain is open to change, to adapting to damage and improving when no damage exists. It shows that our only limitation is ourselves and the constraints that conventional "wisdom" and education heap on us. If you have enough desire to learn to overcome a problem or educate yourself then the resources are out there, it just takes consistent action. A great deal of consistent action I might add!

Relating to depression this book (dare I say it) gives hope to those that have tried many things and to those that have tried none, but weathered the storm in their heads. In my view it gives people the insight that there are tools out there to be used to help overcome what they are going through. This is a contentious issue because I know that for those suffering with severe depression or anxiety they will feel that it is incurable. This is where I dare to tread the tightrope of the mental health fence. I swing (not sexually) from holding a strong belief/thought pattern that depression is incurable, to seeing more and more how much can be overcome through science, education and action.

There is a lethargy with depression that often holds people back from action. I know this because I feel it regularly and have spoken with depressive friends that feel the same. It is like trudging through treacle, it is an effort to think and focus on tasks at times and you just have to give up on trying until you are released. It is mentally and physically draining at times and you have to prioritise things like work at the cost of anything else. Then I have days when I feel I could conquer the fucking world, nothing can stop me. That lasts for a day and then I have a right royal come down and lose all excitement for life. BUT, when I am in that good space of neither up nor down I know that I can work through nicely. I am calm and contented, I know I can change my brain and that gives me hope (bugger I used that word twice!)

So if you are suffering with any illness or just want to change yourself then know this, it can be done. Yes it takes a great deal of effort, but as my Dad always says "there is no such thing as a free lunch". You just have to have the desire to change and a great deal of support from friends and family to get there. Like I said in my last post, you can sail the Atlantic solo, but it's a great deal easier and safer if you do it with a team. Time to get your team right and your focus on the end game.

Keep posted on MrStevensWrites for tools to help you through this change.

Tom :)