Shaking hands with conflict

I am not aiming to blog everyday, but when I have something worthwhile to say I feel I may as well get it out. Otherwise I will have probably forgotten it by the time I next come to write!

Today was the day that I spoke with the guy I am working with about the hours. As you know we had a big week last week and that finished me off. So I needed to let him know that I couldn't continue to do days of 10-12 hours, especially as I am paid a day rate that is below the norm (that's another story). Essentially this "chat" was a test of myself. It is easy in everyday life to build things up in your mind beyond what they will actually be. When you are depressed this can get out of control and it often neutralises any action you might take. On the other hand you can let things boil up and eventually you explode over nothing. So you can see why this was an important step to take for me. I had worked on what I was going to say and thought I knew what his opinion would be. In the end I wasn't nervous and I put my point across calmly, not something I have been good at previously. His reaction was what I expected as he is set in his ways and has his way of working. So in effect I got something. I stood up and said my piece without nerves in a calm way and his reaction made up my mind for me. I will work for him in the future, but I won't tie myself to him. I am going to pick and choose what jobs I do. Not because I am some amazing carpentry dude that people are falling over to employ, but because I am worth more and I don't deserve to feel like shit, get paid shit money and endanger my life. I could be back working for him in two weeks, but it will only be because I choose to, not because I owe him anything (a dangerous thought process I used to have). Shit this paragraph is long.

Moving forwards. A good friend many years ago told me I should charge clients what I think I am worth. At the time and to this day I admire that confidence. I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now. But I see the merit in what he was saying. If you can't believe in yourself and how damn good you are then nobody else will and people will walk over you (I may have extrapolated a little!)

The thought of rejection, of people saying no fills us with enough dread (or is that just me?) that our minds are able to conjure it into a behemoth that it is not. That old saying: "the worst they can say is no" is not something I enjoy. Nobody likes to be told no or rejected. But it shouldn't be a problem because we are not going to die if somebody says no. It just means we have to try a different approach or improve our argument. Sometimes it means moving away from that person or opportunity to something new. I'll admit that if enough people say no then it may be you that is the problem, so don't think you are always right. But why not just say "fuck it", I'm going to think this through and give it a shot and I am going to see where it goes. If I don't try and fix my mental state, my situation, my thought processes, my actions then I am screwed, because there is nothing you can do about things outside of your control.

Another rant in this one I'm afraid. I am not editing or reading this stuff back, because it's just an outlet at the moment. But one day in the future I will have it together enough to know that this was the crazy beginnings of someone much more balanced, calm and determined.

I'm off to Ballet Revolucion with Catherine tonight. A combination of ballet and hip hop, should be interesting. I'm trying to do more 'stuff' because that is getting me out of my hermit shell.

Until next time, are you ok?

Tom

Meditating is my medicine

As the title suggests I have begun an eight week programme of meditation from the book Mindfulness. Meditation has now been shown to be as effective as anti-depressants at treating depression. That's a big statement, but one the book will back up for me. Meditation is now one of the preferred methods recommended by the UK's National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. Many people have used meditation for years, but with MRI we are able to see the evidence of the effectiveness of this tool. 

That is what meditation means to me, it is a tool to help me calm the negative chatter and focus on living in the present. It is not the first time I have come across it, I was introduced by a teacher in primary school that saw the benefits in the late 80's. Perhaps the benefits were more for her as we were a rowdy class of boys and this was a strategy to get us to shut up for a bit. But I still remember sitting in class with my eyes closed, focussing on my breathing. Strange really because I haven't thought of that for years, but it is like yesterday now. The most recent time was here in Australia when Catherine and I were part of a group of great people practicing yoga as part of a 40 day transformation. Other than practicing six days a week, we looked into meditation, diet and our own attitudes and beliefs. It was a confronting, but awesome experience. Needless to say I was crap at doing the meditation. I didn't commit fully to the 40 day transformation, so I got out what I put in, a great workout and amazing friends. 

Fast forward to today. I am confronted by my own walls. Walls that I have kept up successfully for years. Walls which are habits created through a need to keep a burden from those closest to me. Walls that hide my real self and present what I want people to see. I'm not about to just tear those walls down, because I have got used to the security they offer. But I've had a few too many realisations in the last month not to start the process and sharing is part of that. The meditation is the tool to keep it all rational and make sure I don't fall down the rabbit hole. There is an urgent need for meditation that I didn't have before. It's easy for me to see why I don't have consistency in a lot of things in my life, because there is no need, no urgent cause to. Now however I do have that need. It has boiled down to the basics. I have to live. I have to dispense with the unnecessary, remove the stress and get down to the nitty gritty to re-build myself. Just as well I learnt some carpentry to build with eh?!

This is not meant to sound negative, but I have reached the point as I said previously where I just don't care for much. Right now I am focussed on meditating, loving my wife and getting well. Anything that conflicts with those things is going to get kicked into touch. For too long I have focussed on too many things, too many people. That isn't necessarily bad, but for now I will be going hermit crab on a few things. Once I'm well I'll be more Sebastien lobster (I'll let you work the reference ;))

Shit I don't even know where I was going with this post! But I guess I am just spitting some lines to clear my head and let you know that the meditation medicine is working. I'll keep you in the loop as I continue with it.

Thank you to all of you that have contacted me, it means a lot.

Are you ok?

Tom

What happened to the balance?

After last week I thought I was improving a little. But working long hours for 6 days this week has set me back a little. Unsurprisingly working 12 hour days has destroyed my energy. But it's not the normal energy that I am lacking, this is the sort where by making the simplest decisions are a tax on your soul. Extreme huh. Just part of the old depression ride.

Part of this illness is a long running issue of confidence, self belief and negative talk. It may seem to most that I have no problem with confidence, but as I have said before bullshitting is my game and I'm able to pull the wool over the eyes of the closest people. This problem is one that I will be addressing with a psychologist soon. My doctor thought I was doing well (so did I mate) and suggested I see a psychologist when I was more stable. This is the old chicken and egg dilemma, what comes first? In some ways I can't approach the psych side before I stabilise because I'm struggling to find the energy to do normal day to day stuff, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to open up Pandora's box.

I know this much is true. I don't help myself very much. I did reach a point yesterday when I had finished a 12 hour Saturday that I didn't care. But it was more out of lack of energy than some Zen meditative plane that I had reached. I just couldn't give a shit anymore. The sad thing that I am struggling with is that I don't care a lot about anything at the moment. I care about my amazing wife Catherine, but beyond that I am not really able to care for much else. I will admit that I am not at my best in writing this, so this post will appear worse, but when I get to this level of fatigue all I have is the truth. The bullshit has gone and I can be an open book, maybe that is a good thing.

I had a great talk with Catherine this morning. By great I mean I actually talked a little about what I was feeling. Sometimes words can't do justice to how you feel, sometimes your mind won't work to let you tell the most important person in your life how you feel. Some days it would be useful if Catherine was like Professor X in the X-Men, with his telepathic powers she could feel what I feel and have an understanding of this mind of mine. From me talking I reminded myself that I have to meditate and do it daily. The gym has been great, but I have only been once this week, so I need a daily practice to help calm me. This is probably the one habit that I need to create in earnest because I can do it anywhere anytime.

There is not much else for me to splurge from my brain right now, so I'll leave it at that. When I am in a better place I will tell you about some of the work I have been doing and what events we are planning on running in the coming months.

Thanks for listening.

Are you ok?

Tom

Action strategy

This week has certainly been an improvement on last week. Before I head off to the mountains for a little half marathon trail run I wanted to tap out what I have done as a reminder of what can be achieved.

After numerous talks with friends, two doctors appointments and a little punchbag therapy some of the fog is clearing in my head. In some respects I now feel better than I have for months, perhaps longer. I still have a long way to go of course, but I am taking action to improve. The action is that which I have described above and for some that may seem straight forward. But it has taken a long time to get to this point. A long time of not being honest and truthful with myself and others about how I was feeling. But hey I'm learning a lot more about myself and my mind now, so that's a positive!

Talking has been my greatest skill and my biggest downfall. I am good at talking to pretty much anybody, making friends as I go through life, but rarely have I been able to talk to those closest to me about the important things. So the biggest change I have seen this week is just that. I'll admit it is baby steps, but I've been able to talk a little about what I am feeling and that is a start. It is all because of writing this blog that I have been able to open up to friends lately. By talking about how sh#t I feel on here it then makes it easier to do in the real world. But let me tell you that if one more person tells me how good it is to talk I WILL slap them. Talking is good, but offloading this darkness is not.

The doctor that I have seen this week has been great too. Mainly because his advice was practical and optimistic. He didn't want me to go on meds, but told me to take action. To get back in the gym, to write and to remind myself that it would get better. The first started that evening with a session on the punchbag and I've now been in the gym four days in a row. The second wasn't difficult, I've been doing that for years, but more recently it has been more consistent and not always just a negative form of expression. Speaking to the doctor twice was a step that I had to take to confirm to myself in no uncertain terms that I was, I am ill. It may be an illness that lets you carry on working, thinking and leading a normal life. But normal with this illness is erratic at best and it affects every little thing you do more than a broken leg.

The punchbag therapy has been excellent at offloading some raw energy and reducing the anger levels. That is another key area that I need to work on, but the results have been amazing for my energy levels. 

These have been my main strategies for the week and I certainly feel more positive for putting them into action. Moving forwards I will be incorporating some daily meditation and a technique for quashing negative talk. I'll explain a little more about those two next time.

Enjoy your weekend, I'm off to run like a mad fool in the mountains.

Tom

The battle begins

I've left the blog for a week because I didn't think there was much more I could say after the last post. Like finishing a marathon exhausted in every conceivable way I had nothing left. Unsurprisingly the days after that post were particularly shit and low. But after finishing the depression book I was reading, starting meditation and talking with two close friends I have picked up a little.

I'll summarise the few days after my last point. I went through a few days after the last post feeling devoid of feeling and positivity. I managed one run and despite it being a good one I was anxious and blue by the end. For those few days I must have been pretty awful to live with, displaying a short temper and being unresponsive.

Saturday was a turning point, all be it a small one. I finished work earlier than expected, so I got to enjoy a coffee at our friend's cafe with Catherine and Caitlin. After that we went home and blitz cleaned the car (it is satisfying to do knock down menial tasks when you are depressed). After that we headed to a friends new apartment for food. I wasn't great company at the party, but had a constructive catch up with my mate Simon and left feeling more relaxed.

Sunday we had Achilles training and I enjoyed spending time with my mate Cavalier with a GoPro strapped to my chest. This was in order to get video footage of the routes Cav walks, from the city scape to the vistas around the Opera House. From there we went to Dane and Caitlin's acro workshop to learn some new skills. What can I say I am enjoying Acro! Not that I didn't think I would, but I like learning new skills and seeing our partnership develop. I am just focussing on enjoying it now and not worrying about beating myself up if I don't get something. Lord knows I do that too much already! In fact here's what we learnt:

But that wasn't the end of Sunday, oh no! We headed to the sales after that and picked up a new block of Global knives, a toaster and a kettle. Well that's just what you do when you get married, rock and roll! By the time we got back home I was knackered and enjoyed relaxing for the rest of the evening. Something I need to do more of over the next few weeks, so I don't make myself worse.

Monday was a day off for the Queen's birthday (thanks Liz), so we caught up with friends for brunch near the beach. I did enjoy seeing everyone, but I am still struggling with being in groups at the moment, I get anxious and can't relax. After we went our separate ways Andrew and I had a great talk about everything and he suggested using the punchbag to release some stress and anxiety. I can confirm that it works after hitting the bag and doing some tabata intervals, so this has been added to my new toolbox. Along with the daily meditation I hope that this will keep my mind from overloading, so watch this space.

Today I saw the doctor and after talking with him for half an hour he recommended I return on Thursday before he refers me to a psychologist. I see this as a different tool to help me work through issues that have been around for years. I'm not expecting a magic bullet because I've suffered for years with this. I also know a lot of what I need to do and have already put that into action. So the psychologist part will be to work on some deeply embedded memories and learned traits. It is going to be a complex and lengthy process, but hell I've got some great support and a brain, so I'll get there!

Thanks again for all the messages of support. It means a lot to Catherine and I to have you there.

Tom

A rollercoaster

I have always enjoyed rollercoasters, they hit so many senses in your body. From the start when you are pressed into your seat by the harness you are filled with excitement. This grows as you are slowly brought up the first incline with the click clacking of the mechanism. Then you have that brief moment of wonder when you reach the top and feel like you are on top of the world. This is closely followed by either extreme excitement or dread as you fly down the first hill. It probably doesn't get much better than that first part when your stomach is in your mouth and you feel the pressure on your body. By the time you roll into the finish you want to do it all again and feel that rush once more.

I haven't been on a real rollercoaster in awhile, but I feel like I am on one at the moment. It is not just the highs and lows of life, from getting married to changing jobs. It is day to day and for no reason at all. This is the worst thing about depression (other than the really dark stuff) because you can feel absolutely fine one day, happy as Larry, feeling like nothing can faze you. Then the next day you go to work as usual and gradually get worse in mood and energy as the day wears on. Sometimes you just wake up feeling exhausted with it all, like life is just too much effort. It reaches a point where things don't excite you, much like riding the same rollercoaster you just stop enjoying things. You can still feel happy and laugh, but it's different. Sometimes it feels worse when you do have fun because it makes the lows comparatively a lot worse, a sort of fun hangover. That sounds sad saying that, but it is painfully true and much clearer to me now.

The last three days have been my rollercoaster. To be fair it has been going on for a lot longer than that, a very long time in fact. Today is a lower day, not the lowest, just below average. Yesterday was a good day and that is why today is harder, a small low feels worse after a good day. It is hard on my closest friend too, not knowing what your husband will be like when you wake up or get home from work. This obviously then makes me feel guilty and worse for upsetting her.

It is tough when I know that I am an optimist and used to be so much more positive. Let me get this straight though, I don't want or choose to feel this way. I don't think I have mentioned that before in my blog. I enjoy being the happy person that people like and being positive. I don't want to be known as the grumpy old man or the miserable, moody friend because that isn't me. Yes there is an element of grumpy old man that I will allow, but it's not these levels. I have never been positive to the point of annoyance (at least I hope not!), just a useful and friendly level. However this has waned over the last few years, probably working as a personal trainer finished off my reserves of positivity before I came to Australia. So now I just feel empty. I am training for a marathon again (which may not be the best idea) and it is a struggle to train. Trying to get out and do something positive for myself has become a trial. I can't motivate myself to go to the gym, despite having enjoyed going with Catherine in the past. I have also become empty for others, not having the energy for people that I used to have in abundance. I don't have the energy to catch up with friends or contact them, I feel guilty about that too.

I am grateful for everyone that has taken time to contact me. Talking and writing do help. My plan of action has kind of been working, so that aids things too. But I have reached a point now where I am going to get some proper help as I have a better idea of what is going on. I would like to thank my Mum and my friends Nick, Anna and Andrew for helping. To my beautiful wife I say thank you for being my little rock, you do more than you'll ever know to help, I love you and I promise I'll get better.

If you ever feel anything similar to the things I have written about in recent weeks please don't dismiss it. I was shown the book Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong and it has helped to see the physiology behind it. It actually helps me to read it because it is a surprisingly positive and constructive book.

Until next time,

Tom