A rollercoaster

I have always enjoyed rollercoasters, they hit so many senses in your body. From the start when you are pressed into your seat by the harness you are filled with excitement. This grows as you are slowly brought up the first incline with the click clacking of the mechanism. Then you have that brief moment of wonder when you reach the top and feel like you are on top of the world. This is closely followed by either extreme excitement or dread as you fly down the first hill. It probably doesn't get much better than that first part when your stomach is in your mouth and you feel the pressure on your body. By the time you roll into the finish you want to do it all again and feel that rush once more.

I haven't been on a real rollercoaster in awhile, but I feel like I am on one at the moment. It is not just the highs and lows of life, from getting married to changing jobs. It is day to day and for no reason at all. This is the worst thing about depression (other than the really dark stuff) because you can feel absolutely fine one day, happy as Larry, feeling like nothing can faze you. Then the next day you go to work as usual and gradually get worse in mood and energy as the day wears on. Sometimes you just wake up feeling exhausted with it all, like life is just too much effort. It reaches a point where things don't excite you, much like riding the same rollercoaster you just stop enjoying things. You can still feel happy and laugh, but it's different. Sometimes it feels worse when you do have fun because it makes the lows comparatively a lot worse, a sort of fun hangover. That sounds sad saying that, but it is painfully true and much clearer to me now.

The last three days have been my rollercoaster. To be fair it has been going on for a lot longer than that, a very long time in fact. Today is a lower day, not the lowest, just below average. Yesterday was a good day and that is why today is harder, a small low feels worse after a good day. It is hard on my closest friend too, not knowing what your husband will be like when you wake up or get home from work. This obviously then makes me feel guilty and worse for upsetting her.

It is tough when I know that I am an optimist and used to be so much more positive. Let me get this straight though, I don't want or choose to feel this way. I don't think I have mentioned that before in my blog. I enjoy being the happy person that people like and being positive. I don't want to be known as the grumpy old man or the miserable, moody friend because that isn't me. Yes there is an element of grumpy old man that I will allow, but it's not these levels. I have never been positive to the point of annoyance (at least I hope not!), just a useful and friendly level. However this has waned over the last few years, probably working as a personal trainer finished off my reserves of positivity before I came to Australia. So now I just feel empty. I am training for a marathon again (which may not be the best idea) and it is a struggle to train. Trying to get out and do something positive for myself has become a trial. I can't motivate myself to go to the gym, despite having enjoyed going with Catherine in the past. I have also become empty for others, not having the energy for people that I used to have in abundance. I don't have the energy to catch up with friends or contact them, I feel guilty about that too.

I am grateful for everyone that has taken time to contact me. Talking and writing do help. My plan of action has kind of been working, so that aids things too. But I have reached a point now where I am going to get some proper help as I have a better idea of what is going on. I would like to thank my Mum and my friends Nick, Anna and Andrew for helping. To my beautiful wife I say thank you for being my little rock, you do more than you'll ever know to help, I love you and I promise I'll get better.

If you ever feel anything similar to the things I have written about in recent weeks please don't dismiss it. I was shown the book Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong and it has helped to see the physiology behind it. It actually helps me to read it because it is a surprisingly positive and constructive book.

Until next time,

Tom