I am not aiming to blog everyday, but when I have something worthwhile to say I feel I may as well get it out. Otherwise I will have probably forgotten it by the time I next come to write!
Today was the day that I spoke with the guy I am working with about the hours. As you know we had a big week last week and that finished me off. So I needed to let him know that I couldn't continue to do days of 10-12 hours, especially as I am paid a day rate that is below the norm (that's another story). Essentially this "chat" was a test of myself. It is easy in everyday life to build things up in your mind beyond what they will actually be. When you are depressed this can get out of control and it often neutralises any action you might take. On the other hand you can let things boil up and eventually you explode over nothing. So you can see why this was an important step to take for me. I had worked on what I was going to say and thought I knew what his opinion would be. In the end I wasn't nervous and I put my point across calmly, not something I have been good at previously. His reaction was what I expected as he is set in his ways and has his way of working. So in effect I got something. I stood up and said my piece without nerves in a calm way and his reaction made up my mind for me. I will work for him in the future, but I won't tie myself to him. I am going to pick and choose what jobs I do. Not because I am some amazing carpentry dude that people are falling over to employ, but because I am worth more and I don't deserve to feel like shit, get paid shit money and endanger my life. I could be back working for him in two weeks, but it will only be because I choose to, not because I owe him anything (a dangerous thought process I used to have). Shit this paragraph is long.
Moving forwards. A good friend many years ago told me I should charge clients what I think I am worth. At the time and to this day I admire that confidence. I didn't have it then, I still don't have it now. But I see the merit in what he was saying. If you can't believe in yourself and how damn good you are then nobody else will and people will walk over you (I may have extrapolated a little!)
The thought of rejection, of people saying no fills us with enough dread (or is that just me?) that our minds are able to conjure it into a behemoth that it is not. That old saying: "the worst they can say is no" is not something I enjoy. Nobody likes to be told no or rejected. But it shouldn't be a problem because we are not going to die if somebody says no. It just means we have to try a different approach or improve our argument. Sometimes it means moving away from that person or opportunity to something new. I'll admit that if enough people say no then it may be you that is the problem, so don't think you are always right. But why not just say "fuck it", I'm going to think this through and give it a shot and I am going to see where it goes. If I don't try and fix my mental state, my situation, my thought processes, my actions then I am screwed, because there is nothing you can do about things outside of your control.
Another rant in this one I'm afraid. I am not editing or reading this stuff back, because it's just an outlet at the moment. But one day in the future I will have it together enough to know that this was the crazy beginnings of someone much more balanced, calm and determined.
I'm off to Ballet Revolucion with Catherine tonight. A combination of ballet and hip hop, should be interesting. I'm trying to do more 'stuff' because that is getting me out of my hermit shell.
Until next time, are you ok?
Tom
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