Friends

The importance of friendship for someone with depression cannot be underestimated. I have realised this a little more in the last week and it has shown itself as a valuable tool to dealing with this illness.

I am pretty shit at talking to anyone when I am in a bad place, despite it appearing that I am open to all and sundry by writing this blog. When I am going through a bad patch I won't talk to anyone, but will happily keep it to myself and attempt to deal with it on my own. This is akin to sailing the Atlantic solo, it is doable, but you have a much higher chance of drowning than if you did it with a team. The trouble is that after years of dealing with it alone I don't want to give up that control or feel that I am giving in to it. These are ridiculous reasons, but this mind is ridiculous.

This week I have caught up with a lot of friends. It has been great for taking my mind away for an evening. It doesn't rid me of my problems, but it allows me breathing space and naturally I feel better when I am laughing with friends. There are times when I might be able to share a little about my recent thoughts or feelings too and this "venting" lets a little pressure off. It sometimes has the benefit of helping me to rationalise unhelpful thinking patterns that I can't normally do on my own. The funny thing is it takes a lot of effort to see friends. Not because they are difficult, but because all I ever want to do is nothing. My resting state is much like a sloth's and for me to really recharge my batteries I need to not talk to anyone, read a little, write a little and just be in a quiet place. So when arranging things with friends I find it difficult because my immediate response will always be "no". Yes I do care about friends and I do want to be there for them too, but there are times when just existing is hard work and I have to escape to a book or writing. The other thing is that friends are really good at asking how you are doing. That's lovely, it's really considerate. But my approach to this question now is not to lie, so if I am in a bad spot then I answer with "meh" or some other indescribable sound that conveys the message of "I feel like a bear took a poo inside my head", without actually saying that. I don't want to bring other people down or talk about me (except in this blog, in which case darling it's all about me!) and I want to avoid the simple way in which people rationalise it. It can be helpful as I said above, but if I am talking to you about it then I am probably not going through it at that moment, so talking rationally is easier. If I was in the thick of a low then my mind would probably command me to crush you for speaking so sensibly. It's a fucking loopy thing this, a loopy thing.

 Anyway I probably got off course there and can't really remember the point of this post. It may have been to say that I really appreciate my friends for sticking with me when I've been going through my lows. You may not even know what is going on because I don't talk to you about it, but if you ever read this through the magic that is Facebook and my page dedicated to advertising this ranting blog then THANK YOU. You do more than you will ever know by simply sending a message and inviting me for beers, even if I tell you that I can't because I have to wash my hair or have some important project to work on. Like sloths I enjoy doing things at my pace and chilling, if I could get my brain to think the same way then I will have mastered this depression business.

Before I sign off I would ask that you contact five friends or family members that you haven't spoken to in a few weeks. Just message them to say hi and ask how they are doing. Maybe invite them to something social if it's been ages. The power of checking in can never be underestimated. You will remind that person that they are wanted and you never know how powerful that could be.

Tom :)

Familliar mistakes

We all make mistakes over the course of our lives, but those which are most regrettable are the repeated mistakes. These familiar mistakes sneak up on us and before we know it they have happened, leaving us saying those familiar words "next time...".

This is what happened to me this week just gone as I made the too frequent mistake of working too much. "We all do that" I hear you cry and that is something we should all take note of. However too much for me means working the weekends on top of a 40-50 hour week. It means working instead of doing the things I need to do to maintain a balance in my head. This may sound a little pathetic, which is exactly how I have seen it in the past. After all plenty of people work much longer hours, or two jobs. I am not those people, nor should I feel bad about my limitations. As I've got to know depression and understand what triggers it I've realised that my limits are not the same as they used to be, nor are they the same as others. I've accepted that that is ok. Why should I try to push myself beyond my limits at work? Other than earning a bit more money, what does it achieve for me other than feeling mentally exhausted? Who am I trying to impress? There is no purpose served for me to work myself into the ground because I will end up hating what I do or making myself ill. As it is I struggle to find enjoyment and satisfaction in life and working long hours certainly doesn't improve this feeling.

On the plus side I have been making some good progress with my book and I am now putting it together using Apple's iBooks Author. This will enable me to not only publish in Apple's iBooks store, but also as an ePub so that I can spread the love (so to speak) via many formats. Writing this book has certainly helped me to understand what I need to do to help myself. Hopefully as a result the book will help others that experience depression or anxiety.

One of the other things that helps maintain stability is meditation and I've begun the 8 week Mindfulness programme again in order to help myself out. I've shared the book with friends and family alike, so if you haven't read it then give it a go: Mindfulness finding peace in a frantic world

Or if you like an app or two then you should look at Insight Timer, it's a fantastic time for meditation, with free meditations, background noise and an online community which encourages you to meditate more. It's free and an easy intro to meditation: App Store or Play Store

Enough from me until later in the week,

Tom :)

Walk slow

"Hurry up! We are going to miss out on the fun." shrieked the boy to his uncle.
"What is the rush? You won't miss out if we walk rather than run. You might enjoy the walk too."
The boy was running now, "But everybody else will be there before us, they'll have had more fun than me and I'll look stupid for missing out!"
The uncle chuckled and calmly replied "If you are always looking so far ahead of you, you'll never see what is right in front of your nose. On this walk we've passed the playground you enjoy playing at, the ducks you like to feed and the ice cream you love to eat. If you continue to care what others think of you and wait for their praise then you'll continue to be disappointed."
The boy slowed back to a walk, "So I shouldn't go to the party?"
The uncle smiled, "You should do what your heart tells you. Just make some time to walk slower and enjoy what's around you. Before you know it the party will be over, your friends will be gone and you'll be on your own."
The boy's face dropped and his voice cracked, "But you'll be still be here uncle."
"Not forever my boy, not forever."

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Somewhere along the road I forgot how to walk. I missed a lot of what was right in front of me, too busy rushing forwards with the deep seated feeling of déjà vu pushing me onward. Along the way I broke some hearts, perhaps my own at some point. I lost the will to live, lacked a purpose or thought I was better than I was and stopped trying. I looked at others enjoying their lives, seemingly without worry, cruising through life. I know deep down some of them must have struggled, they couldn't all make it look easy. Perhaps I knew I wasn't the only one filled with a head of dreams, confused by what my brain put out, stifled by my own longing to do something of significance. More than once it became too much and it makes me laugh what I mess I was in the years past. Along that trip I lost a lot of feeling. Or rather I lost a large part of my ability to feel. That's part of depression after all, a lack of feeling. Not being excited by new experiences, nor feeling happiness from activities you used to love. Sometimes it means not feeling sadness at something that should make you sad, nor feeling unhappiness at unhappy events. That lacking feeling removes your desire to live, to push on, it sucks the life from everything you know. But then for some you reach a point where nothing matters and in that moment you feel free. You feel you can do anything or nothing, it doesn't matter. The only constraints were in your mind and your mind doesn't give a toss anymore. That's a good point to be at. For some it doesn't end like that, but alone, feeling like the only place to go is death. So I live for them and remember what they gave me. But all that has brought me to here. To writing these inconsequential words and feeling content with this moment in time. It brings me to a walk from a run, to the knowledge that this very moment is all. Nothing else matters because it hasn't happened, perhaps it never will, but that's ok because we are all just along for the ride. We just need to stop rushing to get to the end.

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Tom

Help me out

This is a short post as I posted yesterday and I don't want to use up all my creative brain power nor your valuable reading time.

As I am writing my handbook for depression I'd like to get some help from you. If you or anyone you know has depression or anxiety I'd like to know what works for you/them? If you have coped for years then what is it that keeps you plugging away? What helps you deal with those dark times and come out the other side? I know that for most people talking to someone is difficult, but you may have found that speaking to a helpline was invaluable. For others it could be writing, singing, meditating or many other awesome tools. If you are happy to share with me then I'd like to be be able to use your tools within my book. I won't name you (unless you want the fame), but I would like to compile the best techniques in order to help others. I already have my own, but I know there will be loads out there.

So please can you forward this post onto friends and family that might be able to help. I can be contacted directly at tjalfry@gmail.com

Thank you in advance,

Tom :)

The 2P diet

I've had a busy week just gone, so I haven't had much time to sit down and write. When I have it has been short, but helpful for the brain. So I thought I would settle in this Sunday afternoon and update you on something other than how my brain is working.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to try doing the Paleo diet, to help in losing some weight and assist my return to marathon training. For the most part this just meant giving up the brown rice I took as part of my lunch and not eating dairy or chocolate. It sounds rough right?! Well it has been pretty successful on the whole. I've not found it too difficult to avoid simple sugars, dairy and grains as I already eat meat and veg most of the time anyway. All my meals are wholesome and filling and I've been eating more fruit to supplement them, which has been a welcome addition to my menu. It's not all plain sailing mind, I did veer from the plan one evening last week with a rib and hot chips dinner and have been back on the flat white coffees lately. But after slipping off the Paleo train I thought it best if I just invented my own diet instead.

Let me introduce you to the revolutionary 2P diet. After years of research and self trialling diets I have formulated a new, modern way of eating. The 2P (or Partial Paleo) is sure to be an award winning, book selling, money making break through for me. The diet fundamentally consists of eating wholesome meals such as meat and veg, supplemented with a scattering of fruit and nuts throughout the day and sparingly spiced with a little bit of grains or simple sugars. It is nothing like any diet ever created.

That's right I have gone full circle to a way of eating that is just balanced. If you didn't detect the enormous amount of sarcasm above then this means I cut simple sugars out and replaced them with fruit and veg. I have massively reduced the grains in my weekly diet, but not lost them entirely. I have removed dairy except from the milk in one (maybe two) coffees each day. It's not bloody rocket science, it is just finding out what works best for your body by trialling it out on yourself. From the first couple of weeks I've worked out that although I have energy for the day I don't have enough to train and have been pretty lethargic/lazy come the evening. I did work a 50 hour week just gone and it was physical, but I don't think that is enough to tire me out come the evening. I've been doing an active job for quite a while, so I'm fit enough to do that and train. I think having reduced the carb packed rice and bread from my diet that I am probably lacking a little energy. Veg doesn't pack in the carbohydrates in the same way, so although it may fill you nicely with it's fibre it won't always give you the energy needed. So at least I know what I need to do over the next couple of weeks to help my run training and keep my brain working at it's maximum 62% peak ;)

I haven't weighed myself in a week, but after the first week I had managed a 2kg weight loss. Tomorrow I will weigh in again before training in the morning and see how I am progressing andin a few weeks I will have a body fat DEXA scan to show me what fat I've lost since my last one at the start of the year. My aim with all this is to improve my body composition to assist my run training. Essentially running at 86-88kg is easier than running at 92-94kg, I am sat at 90kg, so I'm part of the way there. Having talked about motivation last week this focus on weight will keep me on track for the first few weeks I hope. After that I will look at run times and see some progression in my fitness. I won't be running like a pro, but at least I won't feel like a sack of potatoes when I do my races this year.

I'll keep you posted on the weight loss.

Tom :)

Motivation

I know I have written before about motivation, but as I have the memory of a dead goldfish I can't remember what I wrote about. Nevertheless I am interested to know what motivates other people. What is it that drives you to wake up each day and go to work? What pushes you to train for a challenge or just to go the gym each week? What keeps you doing all the things you do in life even when you are tired, ill or just plain fed up?

I know personally that my motivation for doing anything in life has been lacking over the last few years as depression and time have had more of an affect on me. When I say time I refer to getting older, but also the time that has passed during which I have fought with my own mind and the energy thereby that has been utilised against it. I used to be a fairly motivated person. Throughout school and into my twenties I was full of energy, eager to learn and excited to try new things. How times change! I think that years of fighting my own mind, it questioning what I was doing and where I was headed in life have fatigued me. I've become more cynical (all be it I started at a grumpy man level) and I've become less excited by things in life. I still experience happiness and I do enjoy the simple things in life, but it's a lot different to my young self. This has all affected my motivation for training, for work and for life itself. It's a sad state that I wrote about last year in which I struggled with carrying on. I've been there several times before in my life and yet I have carried on. Normally I was able to write about how I was feeling and on the rare occasion I even spoke about it. That coupled with amazing friends and family that I love to spend time with have kept me moving, without them I know where I would be. But all this is just part of depression it is no longer surprising to me, nor do I get caught up in it in the way I used to. I see it more as something I can philosophise about and work through rather than something to worry about and affect me negatively. It is actually a joy to write that.

I have asked myself "what am I doing with my life" for so long and tortured myself with the inevitable lack of an answer that it's just part of my life. Where others may see positive accomplishments I see a lack of perfection and that search for perfection is a depressive's curse. Nothing will ever be perfect in my eyes with regards what I do, I just have to accept that it doesn't need to be. My best is good enough. Ugh to even write that is hard! But that constant striving for something unachievable is a gift and a curse as some may understand. Anyhow I digress. Through my own "treatment" I have begun to accept that there is no point to life, no higher purpose other than to experience life and soak up the good and the bad. Above all it is to live in the present moment and worry less about what has been written in your past or is to come in your future. The only thing to be changed is this moment. That may sound fluffy, I may sound like the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney have leeched into my veins and overcome me with yoga love. But it's actually just a survival tool for depression. If I focus on what I am doing today and suck in every moment I can then I can accept that I am living my life to the fullest and be calm.

In regards to training and exercise I struggle with maintaining my usual short term motivation. I have never been one to train for aesthetics. I'm lucky that I haven't had to do too much to maintain my weight over the years, but I've also kept a pretty balanced diet too, so that's not much of a surprise. So that makes training a little more difficult, what am I training for? What is the point? Like life there is no point. Nobody will remember that I rain a personal best marathon of X, nor that I completed several taxing Ultra marathons. This isn't that special. A lot of people can do these things. The deep level motivation is more straight forward for me now. I want to train for marathons and ultra marathons because they are there. I enjoy the experience (not so much the training) of running that event and the feeling after of completing it. There are some crazy events I would love to run in the future and that motivation is what will get me out to train. The other motivation is that it helps my brain, it sticks two fingers up to my negative thought processes and says "look what I can do!" What belief I lack in myself in normal working life I possess buckets of when it comes to exercise. I suppose that's my reason for running and training, to keep my brain in check and strengthen my resole against my own mind.

I've probably spewed enough words out for one day, that's just what happens when you don't write for a bit. I'm still working on my book to help others with depression. It's not something that happens overnight, but I also won't try to make it perfect. It is just something to help me and hopefully others in the near future. Until then let me know what motivates you in life, work or training I really am keen to hear. Just leave a comment below.

Until next time,

are you ok?

Tom