Walk slow

"Hurry up! We are going to miss out on the fun." shrieked the boy to his uncle.
"What is the rush? You won't miss out if we walk rather than run. You might enjoy the walk too."
The boy was running now, "But everybody else will be there before us, they'll have had more fun than me and I'll look stupid for missing out!"
The uncle chuckled and calmly replied "If you are always looking so far ahead of you, you'll never see what is right in front of your nose. On this walk we've passed the playground you enjoy playing at, the ducks you like to feed and the ice cream you love to eat. If you continue to care what others think of you and wait for their praise then you'll continue to be disappointed."
The boy slowed back to a walk, "So I shouldn't go to the party?"
The uncle smiled, "You should do what your heart tells you. Just make some time to walk slower and enjoy what's around you. Before you know it the party will be over, your friends will be gone and you'll be on your own."
The boy's face dropped and his voice cracked, "But you'll be still be here uncle."
"Not forever my boy, not forever."

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Somewhere along the road I forgot how to walk. I missed a lot of what was right in front of me, too busy rushing forwards with the deep seated feeling of déjà vu pushing me onward. Along the way I broke some hearts, perhaps my own at some point. I lost the will to live, lacked a purpose or thought I was better than I was and stopped trying. I looked at others enjoying their lives, seemingly without worry, cruising through life. I know deep down some of them must have struggled, they couldn't all make it look easy. Perhaps I knew I wasn't the only one filled with a head of dreams, confused by what my brain put out, stifled by my own longing to do something of significance. More than once it became too much and it makes me laugh what I mess I was in the years past. Along that trip I lost a lot of feeling. Or rather I lost a large part of my ability to feel. That's part of depression after all, a lack of feeling. Not being excited by new experiences, nor feeling happiness from activities you used to love. Sometimes it means not feeling sadness at something that should make you sad, nor feeling unhappiness at unhappy events. That lacking feeling removes your desire to live, to push on, it sucks the life from everything you know. But then for some you reach a point where nothing matters and in that moment you feel free. You feel you can do anything or nothing, it doesn't matter. The only constraints were in your mind and your mind doesn't give a toss anymore. That's a good point to be at. For some it doesn't end like that, but alone, feeling like the only place to go is death. So I live for them and remember what they gave me. But all that has brought me to here. To writing these inconsequential words and feeling content with this moment in time. It brings me to a walk from a run, to the knowledge that this very moment is all. Nothing else matters because it hasn't happened, perhaps it never will, but that's ok because we are all just along for the ride. We just need to stop rushing to get to the end.

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Tom