Having fun

I started writing this blog post talking about how I am grateful for what I have, but I changed my mind. As much as I am grateful and remind myself of this frequently, this doesn't actually help me feel less anxious or depressed. If anything it makes things worse because I then feel guilty for feeling depressed when I should be happy. But the mind is a complicated thing and mental illness isn't black and white. Often I have no reason why I feel a certain way and so I don't talk about it in the knowledge that most people won't understand, and some will be plain rude and condescending. Anyway I am getting way off track here, let's get back to this post shall we?

Yesterday myself, Catherine and our friend Andrew drove to the Royal National Park in Sydney's south to hit the running trails. It was fantastic! The three hours we ended up spending running and walking out there was the exact reason we moved to Australia. Now that we have a car my aim is to spend as many Saturday mornings out there running and cycling as is physically possible. Fortunately Catherine shares my enthusiasm and is keen as mustard (that's pretty keen folks) to get out exploring.




Without getting too deep into it I find being out in the middle of nowhere the most cathartic experience available. It is the best therapy I could have because I can focus on enjoying the best that nature has to offer, without traffic noise or crowds of people. It also gives Catherine and I time together to talk properly and connect. It's not that we don't do that already, but during the week we are working, training, relaxing. I know how hard it can be to listen properly when you're mind and/or body have been frazzled by work, so I don't put that on Catherine during the week. The trouble is I haven't been doing at the weekend either, so that is why I end up like the other week, imploding.

Today we went to Achilles training in the Botanic Gardens before heading to our acro workshop with our friends Duo Die Acrobatics . All of this is great because it is fun and time with friends, a time to connect and do something. Doing is the name of the game moving forwards, because as good as this blogging makes me feel to splurge my crazy thoughts onto a page, it won't help without action. My Dad used to say that I "talk a good game" and as much as I find that funny (because it is true) it cuts right to the point. I have been a talker, a bullshitter and a procrastinator for years. However through the right friends I have learnt a little about myself and what action I need to take. Actually I have been taking it. I have been reading and learning more, I have improved a lot at work and in training. I have started to talk more to close friends and not just blog. These are my small steps, but they are building a new habit and it is action. I am not just feeling sorry for myself.

This evening I had another small revelation. I had drunk a coffee after acro training before returning home with the food shopping. I was knackered when I got in, I just wanted to sit down. But I knew that if I did that I wouldn't get up again. So I grumpily started cooking lunches for the week. I stuck sausages and salmon in the oven (not the same dish) and started cooking a turkey curry on the stove. As Catherine put it I was 'frantic'! But it was because I was realising something profound. As much as I think that I am a lazy, chilled out sloth I actually think I am the opposite. I need action. I desire a plan, structure, a deadline. For years I have been working for myself and missing this. I turned myself into a lazy, procrastinator. It doesn't matter that all I was doing was cooking, I was revelling in the 'doing'. I was realising that I just have to lay out a plan each day and 'do it'. I can be everything that I want to be, but I have to do it, nothing will come from talking and planning it.

On that note I direct you to this motivational video courtesy of my friend Andrew:

TED talk motivation video

Are you ok?

Tom