Work is going well I am starting to enjoy it as I find my confidence and self belief improving. It is strange to go back to feeling like a teenager, a time when I knew very little. A time when (a little like now) I hid my true feelings behind a mask of smiles and being the nice guy. I was a glutton for punishment and being overly sensitive led to a rollercoaster of ups and downs. What can be an asset can also be your worst enemy too, it just takes time to see that. Now though I am starting to believe again! I am trying to turn the voice in my head into a team of cheerleaders rather than a riot of demonstrators. It's going to take time!
Today I would like to think I am a more rounded person for my experiences. Like others I have made mistakes, some I have learnt from, others I have not. But those experiences have led me to this point where I view my life in a different light. I still think there is more to it than I have discovered, but I am trying to deal with the anxiety and depression that brings by changing who I am. Most people won't understand this, family and friends will be mystified as to what I need to change. But that is because I have been a more private person than most would know.
When I talk about change I mean it in a way that again most won't understand. It is not about losing my good points, but merely strengthening my weak ones. It is not because what I have isn't good enough, nor because I am unhappy. Those points are irrelevant. If you are driven by happiness then you will be eternally unhappy. Striving for happiness is like trying to win a coin toss. You can't make it happen, it just does. But happiness is not the end game, it is just a feeling, a temporary state of mind. It comes and goes and that is life. What I am striving for is to learn more, improve myself and ultimately have an impact. This last will sound big headed. That's fine. If you don't strive for excellence then you are aiming too low.
My nemesis in all of this change and transformation is particularly close to home. I live with them day in and day out and they know all my secrets, weaknesses and triggers. My demon is me. My own mind. When I caught up with my friend the other night we talked about controlling the mind and body, how it is possible through commitment to certain practices. Firstly it starts as a commitment to bettering oneself, because what use are you to the World if you can't help you. Through planning, practice and determination I am embarking on a journey of improvement with the aim of controlling my mind, adjusting the negative thinking and getting somewhere. I don't have all the answers and that's fine because what fun would life be if we knew what was going to happen?
I don't want you to think that I don't appreciate what I have though. To remind myself what I am grateful for I have included a couple of snaps from today. Tomorrow I will be posting a happier scribble about today's trail running and my plan of attack for the weeks ahead.
Are you ok?
Tom
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