RAAAAA!

In my last post I wrote about progression and how I have to work at myself (so to speak) everyday. Yesterday was a strange one for me, I had work, I meditated, I saw friends, I was content. But under the surface I could feel something bubbling away. It came as a feeling and developed into a thought before becoming something louder, like a drunk friend that won't shutup, it annoyed me. The thought was the same self defeating, vicious cycle that I have experienced time and time again, "what am I doing with life?" Sadly this just boils down to "what is the point?" From there it is a slippery slope and I managed to distract myself enough to finish the day feeling good.

Sadly those thoughts don't go away. That's the shitter about depression. It's not as obvious as looking at someone and seeing that they aren't themselves. Inside those with depression are fighting a battle of their own, separate to what the World can throw at them. It can seem as thought that person is distracted, absent, daydreaming. If only you really f*cking knew!

So today was much like yesterday and I got stuck into work. A couple of things came up that needed dealing with. One was a conflict of sorts and the other just required concentration. Sadly the first almost tipped me over the edge, which would've meant the second got written off. Fortunately I used a couple of my newly learnt tools to bring me back from the edge (namely breathing and coping thoughts) and a strange thing happened. I was obviously worried about this conflict and had been proactive in dealing with it, but I was avoiding the necessary evil, calling the person. From seemingly nowhere a voice in my head said "just call him". This started to build until I was embodying Shia LaBeouf's TED talk and shouting "just DO IT!" So you know what happened? I just did it. I made the call to the man and I explained exactly what I was thinking in one of the most confident actions of my recent life. It was powerful. After that call I pulled down an imaginary ceiling and roared. I literally roared.

Sounds strange huh! But the reason this stupidly small moment had meaning was because I could see the darkness and yet something had changed. It's not a miracle, I haven't found God. I have worked hard to get to this point and I would give up any success I've ever had (except my wife) not to have to feel this way at all. I won't feed the dragon by talking about those negative feelings, but that infinitesimal change is proof to my mind that it is changing for the better. As Sam Cooke once sang, "A change is gonna come."

A big thanks to my friend C whose dulcet tones are a pleasure to listen to.

I'll leave you with this to work with. Lately when I've encountered difficulty I've used this simple tool. I take three good breaths and then say to myself 'I will get through this'. It is one of many tools I use, but when you lose your shit you need the simplest one to get you through that moment and survive to get better. Please don't forget that you can feel better.

Are you ok?

Tom