As it is R U OK? day in Australia and Suicide Prevention Day around the World I thought I should write a little post. It's a positive one, so do not fear!
Today is another good day for me. After a series of frankly shit days I was reminded what I HAVE to do, what commitment and consistency is needed from me in order to improve. When I meditate everyday and get into the gym to train then nothing else matters, I can master my mind. Obviously challenges have come up in the last few days, mistakes have been made, but my reaction to these has been the sign that what I am doing is working. My reaction has been completely different from a few days ago, the voice in my head is quiet and if it is present it is a forgiving and realistic one.
Over the last week I have had so much support from friends and family that it has blown my mind. From the calls and messages with Nick to a FaceTime with Mike and Laura. From the messages with my Mum to the many private messages from friends all over the World. It has all helped to give me the energy that I have been lacking, the energy to carry on with life that I couldn't provide myself. Now I am not saying I was suicidal this week, but having that support made a difference. It hasn't had that effect before and do you know why? It is because until this year I never talked to anyone about how I truly felt. Yes I have had conversations with Catherine and family members, but I've never truly opened up and to a large extent I still haven't reached that point. But when I decided to write about my experience it was the beginning of that journey. It made talking to friends and family about what I was feeling a whole lot easier. It even meant that I could be open with complete strangers because once you've written a blog about depression and posted it on Facebook there really is nowhere to hide.
In the past when someone asked me if I was ok my standard response would be "yeah great thanks". Even if I was feeling low I'd always have energy for other people, it was part of my job at the time, so I had to be strong, happy and energetic. When you are faking it though that is the most tiring thing in the World. You want to just say "actually I feel like shit, I'm really tired and I could do with a week of sleep", but you think that people would think less of you so you don't. If I had been honest with myself and opened up then I probably would've avoided the numerous occasions when I contemplated suicide. But that would've required me to be open from before I was ten and at that stage I didn't know as much as I do now! I now know that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you though, because being honest with yourself is the only path you should choose. Otherwise you will always be trapped.
A lot of my mental issues come from way, way back and I have only just begun to touch on them with proper help. But like when you need to lose weight, get fitter or just learn something new it takes time and a lot of steps and stages before you get somewhere. The beauty of R U OK? day is that the simplest genuine enquiry into how someone is feeling could make a profound difference in their lives. It could literally bring them back from the black hole they were about to fall down. Perhaps not immediately like some kind of Superman moment, but as a ripple spreading out through their life. So even though R U OK? day is over I will be continuing to ask it whenever I can, please do the same in your lives.
As I progress and get closer to the time when I will head home to England for a very important wedding, I feel clearer about my next steps. I am working on a new book (the black comedy is on hold as it's a bit too black), which will hopefully help myself and others. I know that a million books have been written before about Depression, but I wanted to write something that is lighthearted and practical for both sufferers and their friends and family. At the moment I am working on the structure and asking any of my friends that have suffered with Depression or had a family member go through it to help me out. If you want to offer your experience then I'd be most grateful as I would like to include a few different perspectives. I think that a multifaceted approach to Depression is the only way to combat it and that requires support from friends, treatment from professionals, self help, exercise and nutrition.
For now I'll leave it at that because I still have my meditation to do before bed. Until next time.
R U OK?
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