The post included this photo:
Now this is a fair statement. But the reason I replied was because suicide is not a simple thing. I know that is an obvious statement, but the reason I write it is because you have to have gone through some turmoil to get to that stage. You have to be in a dark place or one filled with sadness, lethargy and hopelessness. Perhaps I generalise a little here, I know that everyone's experiences are different, but it's a fair assumption from what I've experienced.
Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.
There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.
I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.
You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.
However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.
So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough. Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.
Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.
Are you ok?
Tom
Now I wasn't looking to have a go at anyone, but one of the comments was that there is always someone there to talk to. This again is very true, but I had to agree with one of the other participants when they said 'it isn't that easy'. When you are depressed you don't want to burden someone else with it, especially not those close to you. Some days you don't want to talk to people because it is too much effort, if it were as simple as talking we would've done it (well possibly not). Some things are so deeply ingrained and complex that talking about them opens up a can of worms larger than the world has seen. Some of us revel in our own self pity and are against change. These are just some of the challenges faced.
There is then the suicide part. Nobody likes to talk about death, not least suicide. But to bury your head in the sand is to miss out on what is important; life. This might sound strange considering that I've thought about suicide, but life is precious and suicide isn't the answer. That is straight forward, but getting there isn't as simple as 1-2-3. It's a complex affair of negative thoughts, self flagellation, stress, fatigue and a myriad of other components. When it finally comes to suicide it is after enduring the worst that the mind and body can throw your way. It is a place where you don't think about the pain it may cause, but the suffering that you will end. The mind throws it's worst at you and the irrational thinking that others are better off without you will always beat any sane call for restraint. The mind doesn't care about other's feelings at this point, it just takes control on a repetitive loop and feeds the fire with trash talk.
I hope that I never get back to that point again. It was a time in my life when I had a few problems, but nothing that couldn't be fixed. I had a lot going for me; I was in good health, had a job and a loving family. But that is never enough when you are depressed, it is not about happiness per se, nor the environment you live in. When your brain is telling you something so often, it doesn't matter if you are a Billionaire living on a desert island, you will be affected. Thankfully this year's episode of depression hasn't been suicidal, it has just been massively draining and shit. But as a result it has given me insight into my mind that I never thought I would have and has led me to take positive action to change and to stock up on some weapons for when that darkness returns.
You see talking is great, it can often help. But it is much like treating a head injury with a painkiller, you may reduce the pain, but the underlying problem is still there. For those with mild to moderate depression talking is great for reducing negative chatter and being rational about the thoughts you are having, it is always good to reassure yourself that people want you around too. Writing helps too (hence these blog posts), but along with talking it doesn't really fix the problem. I am now meditating every day and along with weight training I am noticing that I am much calmer and clearer in my mind.
However for those with severe depression it is not that simple. A friend of mine was severely depressed and I used to speak to him a fair bit, we'd meet up and he'd seem in great spirits. I'd then get phone calls saying that he couldn't carry on anymore. He got some help and was taking anti-depressants. I remember visiting him at his house and he was just a different person, I don't know whether it was the drugs, but he seemed off his rocker. Between my parents and I we met up with him regularly and looked out for him, he was a lovely bloke who talked some shit, but loved us to bits. When I moved to London I believed he was doing better. One day I got a call from my folks to tell me he'd killed himself. I was heartbroken. I wished I had been there for him more often, but in truth I didn't know what to do. I was going on what I knew as a 20 year old and all I had to offer him was an ear and friendship, sadly that wasn't enough. I'm clued up enough to know that for my friend it wouldn't have helped if I had been there more often, because unless I saw him every day it would not been enough. I miss him a lot.
So I suppose what I am trying to scramble out of this mess is that talking isn't easy, nor does it beat action. Suicide is never as simple as it seems, people don't generally wake up and think like that, there is always a build up and it is normally kept secret. People with depression aren't selfish, but when they are depressed they generally don't give a shit what other people think. This can be taken the wrong way, but it is what it is and empathy goes a long way to helping. Researching the condition helps to make sense of what that person is going through and to help yourself, because dealing with someone with depression is tough. Ultimately for those with depression they need a kick up the arse at some stage, not like a 'toughen up!' pep talk, but more like a guidance to help. For some (like me) it ends up at a meltdown, where hopefully nobody gets hurt and you get the impetus needed to make a change. If this doesn't happen then that's where the friends come in to guide them to proper help.
Once we have started to get help we have to have learn some tools to defend ourselves from the ruts in the road. For a lot that means massive brain re-training, things like meditation, CBT or more intensive therapy. Drugs may well help for some too, but they aren't a magic bullet on their own. Obviously there needs to be support and that's where we come back to talking. If someone wants to talk then they will. Sometimes just a genuine 'how are you?' is enough to allow people to open up a pressure valve without spilling their guts. Dealing with depression is massively complex and a long process. Perhaps starting with small steps is the best way, in writing I found my ladder to help, perhaps others will find it there too.
Are you ok?
Tom
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