Over the last few weeks I have tried to avoid ruminating on thoughts that would bring me into a low frame of mind. I have tried to deal with conflict in my mind rationally and make action lists where I felt something was giving me anxiety. I've been making a concerted effort with these little things and although I wasn't on my game when it came to meditation, I have been aware and taken action to remedy any negative thoughts. All of this is a big step in the right direction for me and is a result of putting a number of different players into action (as I spoke about last week) in order to balance my life.
It wasn't until the weekend when we caught up with friends that I could say out loud that I had changed. For some reason saying this makes me cry. But it is not because I am sad, it is because there is an ongoing release of pressure and anxiety and being open brings it to the surface. If anything when I had my little meltdown a couple of months ago it was the beginning of the end for that part of me. It instigated a change in my mind that leant towards taking corrective action and committing to altering my brain. I decided that I didn't want to be the person I had been for so long because ultimately I knew exactly where it was headed. I had had a taste of what my mind could put me through and through a meltdown had chosen to rise from the ashes and start anew. Shit if it was only as easy and magnificent as that sounds! It's hard work that requires commitment to several things everyday, the hardest of which is overcoming my own mind.
Here is an example of what I have to fight routinely and why I have to employ a number of tactics on it. I could be busy with work and have a few things I need to do outside of this. This goes like this, 'when will I do them?' How long they will take? When will I have time to train/meditate/read?' In starting along this road I become anxious. I may then worry about the work I am doing at that moment, 'is it good enough?' 'What will so and so think of it? Don't f*ck it up.' At this point I will perform a few thinking errors (which I have since learnt a lot about through my CBT sessions), which will put me into a low that I generally won't get out of til the next day, or perhaps for a few days. It will affect how I act with my wife, I won't want to see friends and I will generally revel in a quagmire of self loathing with feelings of sadness, hopelessness and lethargy. Around this time someone helpful may say something about how other people are finding it really tough in their lives, or mention some atrocity or natural disaster somewhere in the World. Whether intentional or not that makes me feel guilty about how I am feeling about something that is seemingly insignificant. So as a result I don't talk about how I actually feel and when people ask I say "Oh yeah I'm great thanks, work is busy, which is good, same old, same old!" Thus I then dwell on how I feel and the vicious circle saps the enjoyment out of everything I used to find pleasure in.
How marvellous!
That is me summing it up in a brief way, there is more to it than that, which I have only discovered by talking it through with a professional. But as I sit here and think about it, it all makes much more sense to me. For the first time in a long time I am aware and know that I have the tools to deal with my own mind. I am rational enough now to know that this isn't my fault, my brain has been in control of me for some time and it has learnt some nasty shit along the way. I know that there are other people out there in much worse circumstances than myself that are getting on with life and enjoying it. I respect that, but it doesn't mean shit to someone with depression because they can't just switch off their brains, sadly that is the darker path to freedom from this thing. There is also a conversation about how "developed" nations suffers so much with depression compared to those in the "developing" World (I despise these names), despite the latter suffering with famine, disease and war. At times I think their simpler way of living is the key to their happiness, they are the ones that live their lives fully with friends and family around them. Perhaps it's time to stop rushing about "doing" stuff, buying "things" and just accepting and appreciating.
Are you ok?
Tom
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