Time off

Catherine and I went away this Easter for a five day break. After all the long hours she has been doing it was great to drive out of Sydney on Friday and escape reality for a little while. Don’t get me wrong I enjoy our life and I am extremely grateful for all we have and how lucky we are to live here.  But the physical action of driving away can really give you space to relax and take stock. I didn’t do much writing over the weekend and we just enjoyed each other’s company for the first time in a long time. As Catherine said it was nice to get back to us being us. We had a lot of laughs and had no timeline or pressure to do anything. We talked about the future, daydreamed about living somewhere quieter and enjoyed the peace of not having kids (sorry no surprises from us!)

Coming back to Sydney wasn’t too painful, I mean it is Sydney after all! But normally the thought of work would give me the old jitters after such a good time away. I think that having a new goal to aim for helped release some of that routine anxiety. I know for Catherine that wasn’t the case and I just reminded her what she tells me when I’m down, “just breathe, focus on that, everything will be ok.” She may be a tough cookie, but all good cookies have some soft spots. Unless they are those really tough cookies, that are like rocks, if you are like one of those then you need a holiday ;) 

So I have been writing a fair bit recently, working on my two books. That’s right much like how I read I can’t help but write about two different things at the same time. To be honest I have been working very sporadically on a dark comedy about depression for years. But when I started working on myself over this last year I realised that I could structure the tools I found useful into a book. So I am focusing on that now as my book to finish this year and publish electronically. My fiction is running on the sidelines, giving me a break from structure when I need it and allowing my well developed daydreaming skills to be put to good use.

I think it was in my last blog post I spoke about there being no point to life. If you didn’t read that one then don’t worry it wasn’t a desperate plea, nor me feeling sorry for myself. It was more a realisation that there is no purpose to life except to experience everything it offers by living in the present moment and not worrying about what the future holds. After writing that post I spoke to a very good friend of mine and he spoke about how he felt that the good times were over and that he may not ever feel the same way as he used to. I could understand what he was saying because like other SODs (sufferers of depressions, just say it like the Alexander the Meerkat) I have been there and had those thoughts. But let me tell you that if you feel that way then there is a place beyond that thinking and it is not the end of your life. I won’t sugar coat it, it will be different and yes you may never feel life in the same way that you did when you were a youngster, but that’s life. You’ve made it this far and no doubt you’ve been through some shit, but it will be better. You can escape what your mind tells you, the feelings of hopelessness you have. It won’t be easy, but you have survived this far so you are pretty special, you are harder than you give yourself credit for. If you are thinking that you won’t ever feel the same as before, just stop for a moment, take a breath, close your eyes, breathe in and out deeply and think of something you love to do, somewhere you love to be. Focus on what that feels like, what the weather is like, what you can see around you, what you hear. Is there sun on your skin, can you hear waves or the wind? Soak up the surroundings of that place you love, just breathe deeply and suck it in. Take your time there. Do it now and when you are ready come back to me.

Hopefully you were able to see somewhere that you love or imagine doing something you love to do. Perhaps you only managed 10 seconds before your brain burst in with some rubbish, maybe you lasted longer. It doesn’t matter how long it was, the message is that you can create what you want in your mind. You can control it. Even if you only managed a few seconds it is a success that you can build on. You can repeat it everyday whether your head is playing silly buggers or not. It’s about re-training your brain with a variety of tools to get you to a new place of thinking and feeling. One that is controlled by you, not your head and it’s childish ways. If you are suffering and want help, just ask. There are plenty of anonymous helplines out there which you can call to get assistance. They will have the time and skills to talk to you and show you places you can get help from.

My friend is in a different place in some respects to a lot of sufferers. The way he has arrived at this point in his life is different to many, but the feelings and thoughts he is having are just the same. He is affected by his brain the same as everybody else. I can’t get inside his head, but I can offer him support, keep in contact with him and make sure he’s not alone. What he is going through is tough and it will take a lot of hard work to get through it. After all he didn’t get to where he is overnight, it took years of consistent actions and thoughts. But I will be there for him like others have been there for me because that is the point of life. 

Are you ok?

Tom