Goodbye TA

I heard from my great friend Barry yesterday that our mutual friend TA had killed himself. Naturally my friend was shell shocked and completely distraught. He never knew that there was anything wrong and couldn't understand why anyone would go to such extremes. I am gutted too. TA was a childhood friend that we frequently saw on our holidays in Florida. He was kind and sincere with a great smile. I fondly remember him taking me fishing with a friend and his amusement at watching the two of us putting live shrimp onto a hook (or at least trying to!) My memory maybe terrible, but that will always stay with me.

But then there is the side of TA that I would never know, even Barry had no inkling of. Barry described TA's grumpy/gruff character as something that he could always get past and see the gentler side. But Barry had no idea that there was anything worse than that lurking in the background. For as much as we think we know people, friends and family we really have no clue what is going on in their heads. Just because someone is smiling on the outside doesn't mean they aren't suffering inside their head, it just means they are good at covering it up. Some people care so much about others that they don't want to burden them with their problems and in doing so don't take care of themselves.

I used to feel as Barry did about suicide and ask the same 'why' questions that he asked. But sadly I can understand the why for friends like TA. Those of us left behind feel angry because we are deprived of someone we loved, we want them to live long and healthy lives. But for them it is an escape from a deep, dark barrage of thoughts, doubts and self loathing. For most people we will never understand how that could force someone to take their life and as human beings we want to understand everything. For there not to be an answer that we can process creates grief. If for example someone had a serious illness, or had suffered a car accident that left them paralysed we might be able to accept suicide more easily, after all it would be ending physical and mental suffering. But when it comes to mental health and thoughts pushing someone to the same conclusion we are stumped. As far as I am concerned the mental anguish and suffering caused by the mind is no different from a physical illness and we should start to get that into our heads. Just because we can't see it or quantify it as easily as Cancer doesn't mean it is less dangerous to sufferers and their families.

For me I feel that another chapter of my life has closed with TA's passing, I've lost a little of myself. I feel guilt like others and am left wanting the days when I saw him smile. I can't bring him back, much like I can't bring back others that have passed in the same way. But by writing this blog and asking people to talk about how they feel I hope that it might just help one person. If I can do that in my lifetime then I'll be content.

Until we meet again TA.

Are you ok?

Tom