An update

I have been absent from writing for some time now. A couple of months ago I wanted to focus on work, training and volunteering and didn't think I would have any free time to write my blog. I wasn't wrong about the time factor, but I was wrong not to write.

Over the last couple of months Catherine and I have seen a few different changes come about; mainly around work and training. I have worked with several new people, which has been both interesting and rewarding and have settled into my new role at the Apple store in Bondi. Catherine is working on work and that is a work in progress to be discussed at a later date (no more comments to be made). Both of us have been training for a marathon or half marathon, which has consumed a good deal of time and energy. On top of that we have continued to guide when we are able at Achilles run club on a Sunday morning. When possible I have run or cycled with a couple of the guys in the week as well.

I can't speak for Catherine when I say this, but I have found it a tiring time. I have willingly filled my time with working 5-7 days a week, training and volunteering, nobody has made me do it. So it is often less apparent to see that it is wearing you out. When you choose to do something you can commit your energy to it wholeheartedly and carry on pushing yourself because it was you alone that set out to do it. If you are made to do something, or it feels forced upon you it becomes tiring much sooner, because you don't want to commit energy to it and you fight against it.

The reason I am writing about this is because I have recently finished a book called "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It has opened my eyes to why I am the way I am. On the face of it for most people I would appear to have most of my marbles and be in working order. However for years I have at times struggled with my mind and who I am. No I am not gay. Just to put that thought out of your heads! I am merely talking about what my purpose is and what I am doing with my life.
I have done a number of things in my life because I felt I should, or because I wanted to please people and make them happy, proud and/or like me. I didn't necessarily do them because I wanted to. However at the time I would've felt that I was making the decision in a positive way and that I was choosing to do these things. This has meant that I've not looked after myself and done things that made me happy. It led to depressions and contemplation of suicide. You see what I have come to realise is that we are not perfect, we should never be perfect and that is OK. Accepting that has taken all these years and a lot of tears.

Since reading the book in a matter of days I am now working through the exercises inside it in order to get what I want from life and make myself happy. This doesn't mean that Catherine doesn't make me happy, because she does. But the mind is a beautifully cursed thing. It will always ask questions or make you feel sad, even on the sunniest of Australian days. What I have to work on is not trying to be good, to be perfect in the eyes of others and to help other people. Yes these things are noble. But ultimately I am not doing the things that make me happy, like mountain biking, seeing friends, reading and writing. I still want to be great at what I do, but I am coming to accept the mistakes I make along the way and that it is not the end of the world if I'm not perfect at something.

Frankly is has been an enlightening and scary experience coming to live in Australia. Through the amazing friends we have made here I have developed as a person and am on the road back to being the chilled out person I used to be. I am writing to be honest with myself and be honest and open with all, so you can expect more from me soon.

Tom