Friends

The importance of friendship for someone with depression cannot be underestimated. I have realised this a little more in the last week and it has shown itself as a valuable tool to dealing with this illness.

I am pretty shit at talking to anyone when I am in a bad place, despite it appearing that I am open to all and sundry by writing this blog. When I am going through a bad patch I won't talk to anyone, but will happily keep it to myself and attempt to deal with it on my own. This is akin to sailing the Atlantic solo, it is doable, but you have a much higher chance of drowning than if you did it with a team. The trouble is that after years of dealing with it alone I don't want to give up that control or feel that I am giving in to it. These are ridiculous reasons, but this mind is ridiculous.

This week I have caught up with a lot of friends. It has been great for taking my mind away for an evening. It doesn't rid me of my problems, but it allows me breathing space and naturally I feel better when I am laughing with friends. There are times when I might be able to share a little about my recent thoughts or feelings too and this "venting" lets a little pressure off. It sometimes has the benefit of helping me to rationalise unhelpful thinking patterns that I can't normally do on my own. The funny thing is it takes a lot of effort to see friends. Not because they are difficult, but because all I ever want to do is nothing. My resting state is much like a sloth's and for me to really recharge my batteries I need to not talk to anyone, read a little, write a little and just be in a quiet place. So when arranging things with friends I find it difficult because my immediate response will always be "no". Yes I do care about friends and I do want to be there for them too, but there are times when just existing is hard work and I have to escape to a book or writing. The other thing is that friends are really good at asking how you are doing. That's lovely, it's really considerate. But my approach to this question now is not to lie, so if I am in a bad spot then I answer with "meh" or some other indescribable sound that conveys the message of "I feel like a bear took a poo inside my head", without actually saying that. I don't want to bring other people down or talk about me (except in this blog, in which case darling it's all about me!) and I want to avoid the simple way in which people rationalise it. It can be helpful as I said above, but if I am talking to you about it then I am probably not going through it at that moment, so talking rationally is easier. If I was in the thick of a low then my mind would probably command me to crush you for speaking so sensibly. It's a fucking loopy thing this, a loopy thing.

 Anyway I probably got off course there and can't really remember the point of this post. It may have been to say that I really appreciate my friends for sticking with me when I've been going through my lows. You may not even know what is going on because I don't talk to you about it, but if you ever read this through the magic that is Facebook and my page dedicated to advertising this ranting blog then THANK YOU. You do more than you will ever know by simply sending a message and inviting me for beers, even if I tell you that I can't because I have to wash my hair or have some important project to work on. Like sloths I enjoy doing things at my pace and chilling, if I could get my brain to think the same way then I will have mastered this depression business.

Before I sign off I would ask that you contact five friends or family members that you haven't spoken to in a few weeks. Just message them to say hi and ask how they are doing. Maybe invite them to something social if it's been ages. The power of checking in can never be underestimated. You will remind that person that they are wanted and you never know how powerful that could be.

Tom :)