What happened to the balance?

After last week I thought I was improving a little. But working long hours for 6 days this week has set me back a little. Unsurprisingly working 12 hour days has destroyed my energy. But it's not the normal energy that I am lacking, this is the sort where by making the simplest decisions are a tax on your soul. Extreme huh. Just part of the old depression ride.

Part of this illness is a long running issue of confidence, self belief and negative talk. It may seem to most that I have no problem with confidence, but as I have said before bullshitting is my game and I'm able to pull the wool over the eyes of the closest people. This problem is one that I will be addressing with a psychologist soon. My doctor thought I was doing well (so did I mate) and suggested I see a psychologist when I was more stable. This is the old chicken and egg dilemma, what comes first? In some ways I can't approach the psych side before I stabilise because I'm struggling to find the energy to do normal day to day stuff, I'm not sure whether I'm ready to open up Pandora's box.

I know this much is true. I don't help myself very much. I did reach a point yesterday when I had finished a 12 hour Saturday that I didn't care. But it was more out of lack of energy than some Zen meditative plane that I had reached. I just couldn't give a shit anymore. The sad thing that I am struggling with is that I don't care a lot about anything at the moment. I care about my amazing wife Catherine, but beyond that I am not really able to care for much else. I will admit that I am not at my best in writing this, so this post will appear worse, but when I get to this level of fatigue all I have is the truth. The bullshit has gone and I can be an open book, maybe that is a good thing.

I had a great talk with Catherine this morning. By great I mean I actually talked a little about what I was feeling. Sometimes words can't do justice to how you feel, sometimes your mind won't work to let you tell the most important person in your life how you feel. Some days it would be useful if Catherine was like Professor X in the X-Men, with his telepathic powers she could feel what I feel and have an understanding of this mind of mine. From me talking I reminded myself that I have to meditate and do it daily. The gym has been great, but I have only been once this week, so I need a daily practice to help calm me. This is probably the one habit that I need to create in earnest because I can do it anywhere anytime.

There is not much else for me to splurge from my brain right now, so I'll leave it at that. When I am in a better place I will tell you about some of the work I have been doing and what events we are planning on running in the coming months.

Thanks for listening.

Are you ok?

Tom